Hey there kitty gurls, sorry I'm so late getting the RuPaul's Drag Race Season 9 party started! LIFE. You know it gets in the way of all the fun stuff. As always, my fellow Drag Hag extraordinaire BeckyMae (the name may be country, but she's ALL city) will be alternating recaps with me; so without further ado let's roll into S9:E1 Oh.My.Gaga where I promise to keep an open mind. Swearsies.
First up is Peppermint, first (but never last) of the New York Drag queens: she's sweet and sassy. Come through, hunty!
Oh gurl, but you shouldn't have mentioned those braids, I was already wondering why you had 10 o'clock shadow.
Ooooh and now we gotta pretty girl; Valentina is 25, from California and is giving me Marilyn Monroe on a cleanse vibes
She's adorable; very dramatic and that accent! She calls herself "an undiscovered superstar" and you're in the right place then, kitty girl!
We gotta big girl next, you know I love me some juicy queens (I LOVE YOU LATRICE!!), so Eureka, 25 from Tennessee will be getting my looks for a bit.
Lotta young queens this time, yes? Eureka is "as country as a biscuit" and her style of drag is FABULOUS. Two snaps. Valentina shark bumps Eureka's weight, Eureka claps back with "I will eat you" and all is okay.
Oh gurl, I spoke too soon. We've got Charlie Hides up next
I personally think it's wonderful that RuPaul is trawling retirement homes in the drag community; vaudeville is a dying art. You go, Charlie, 52 is just the beginning, right? She's known as a celebrity impersonator and she and Peppermint go way back. She's the insult queen; paging Bianca! Charlie has a GORGEOUS face.
She doesn't waste any time coming for Eureka but I give her three snaps for going somewhere other than Eureka's weight.
Sweet baby jeebus, we've got a sweet baby drag queen on the stage. Farrah Moan
Is clearly going the Less is More route with her clothing; what's with that awful makeup and Dollarstore wig? Gurl. I am NOT impressed with her inability to banter, but I have faith in Mama Ru. Farrah must have something other than a repressed gag reflex,
We've got a screamer!! Sasha Velour is 29, from Brooklyn and is our avant garde girl this season
She screams for a full minute while Peppermint and I try to figure out why people think making noise is art
She introduces herself as a visual artist; and always uniquely Sasha. I like a performer with a bold vision and I'm not even gonna mention Nina Flores except for right then.
OOOoh, Alexis Michelle is gawgus out of drag, I'm not even gonna talk about Roxxxy Andrews because this is a whole new season and we've moved on. She's another New York queen and knows Peppermint, course.
Oh gurl, we've got New York from Flavour of Love up in this joint!!
This is Shea Coulee from Chicago and she's the only one been able to hush Eureka so far. Her makeup, tho...
Trinity Taylor, 31 is next
She brought that body oddy oddy! And it's all bought and paid for, none of that padding shite. Somewhere Detox iCunt just woke up mumbling. Anyway, she does a lot of pageants but she doesn't like to refer to herself as such because of the "stigmatism" associated. Wait. Never mind, illiteracy is on the rise and we all know it, let's move on. She calls herself "the body girl" and hey! Her and Eureka go way back! All the way to when she won a bunch of pageants and Eureka didn't. *tongue pop*
She swears she isn't one of the mean pageant girls, Eureka DISAGREES, Trinity is all "she jelly" and we have our first tempo drop of the season! That didn't take long
Lookit this bootiful lady! Kimora Blac is another young 'un and she's not lacking in T&A OR confidence. "Kimora Blac is EVERYONE'S sexual preference." None for me, thanks, I'm driving
Kimora's ass is famous in Vegas (okay) and she's Farrah's sister, awwww! But Kimora's been at it for ten years; Valentina only 10 months and we're all mad. I mean, she pretty and all, but I'm going to need to see more personality.
Oh for the love of we have a ventriloquist? Jaymes Mansfield is another baby queen, from Milwaukee with bad, bad makeup and a budget wig. She's adorable out of drag
Already I don't get Nina Bo'nina Brown but she seems fun!
But that's okay, I'm sure there are Disney drag aficionados out there that sell padding by the pound.
ANOTHER junior queen, what? Aja is 22 like Farrah Moan but has a very different look. Almost like a dress full of cameras *tongue pop*
She's great friends with Sasha, who says Aja is IT on the Brooklyn scene right now. *crickets* Aja hits on Trinity, who's just staring at the horror that is Aja's makeup. Yes, it's messy, but she's an arty queen, right? Who cares? She ain't pageant, that's for sure.
THIS one looks exactly like Lady Gaga!
And she IS Lady Gaga!! (self censor moment)
It's awesome how long it takes them to realise it's ACTUALLY the woman herself and then they all cry. You do not want to see a bunch of drag queens try to save their makeup when Mother Monster walks in the room.
Eureka breaks first; Lady Gaga has pulled her out of near death situations and she just wanted to thank Gaga from the bottom of her heart for allowing them to be who they are.
*all the tears break*
MamaRu comes in then, gather 'round ladies! There's a twist already in season nine: NOBODY is going home today! Woot! That's a first for RPDR! There will be two runways today; one is to represent the ladies' home towns and the other is their best Lady Gaga drag. Another first: Gaga herself does the start your engines speech, whut?
Farrah, aka Blonde Benet Blamsey (tm Shea Coulee) can't find a work station, so she's wandering around with her suitcases looking sad and whining while the other girls get to work.
Charlie is an impersonator, so she's got this, she's just worried about when celebs watch her impersonations and get mad. Like Lana del Rey. Hold on; Lana del REY is famous enough to have people make fun of her? Go on
Peppermint's just worried that Charlie's offputting sense of humour might..put the judges off.
Kimora is already over Aja's rainbow cloak and name dropping; bish please. Eureka just wants to beat Trinity; Nina's gonna do a Georgia peach as her home town look; but how's she "gonna go from a mouse to a peach?" The poster-board peach in her suitcase will help for sure.
We know that the dragtestants know what they'll be doing and that this is essentially a showcase of some of the best drag talent currently sashaying across stages, but you gotta at least TRY to keep the illusion, Nina. Pfft
I CAN'T SEE MICHELLE VISAGE'S BREASTS!!!! WHAT'S GOING ON????? I hate it when hookers get Klass
Carson Kressly is just happy to be at this scholarship pageant; Ross Matthews has a bit of grey in his hair and vaseline on his teeth. I seriously love Ross on this show and I would have bet you one million dollars a year ago I wouldn't have said that. E! has a lot to answer for.
Lady Gaga does her thing (self-censor moment - Becks knows what's up) and then we're to it!
I just realised we never gotta see Ru as Monster!!!!!
The home city looks:
And all the Gaga stuff
She likes Sasha's look as one of the best; it's a risky choice to look ugly on purpose and she did great.
Top Three are Eureka, Sasha and Nina Bo'nina Brown; if for any reason the winner is not able to fulfill her duties, the second and third runners up shall thumb wrestle for it. So sayeth RuPaul and the winner is:
Nina! Lady Gaga bought her drag! She didn't rent it from the Netlfix, she bought it! I love that and must use it immediately.
But we're not done! Ru is bringing in anoth queen! *cue everyone losing their shite* And the lucky returning person is...
TO BE CONTINUED
Now I got spoiled (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) but I won't do that to you all (BECAUSE IT'S MEAN), we'll all find out next episode! Cheers, m8te!