This is the season finale (and all that’s available thus far) for Spotless, the title has me all nail-bitey, let’s spoil some of you, shall we?

Julie is now fully aware of the extent of Jean’s deception and has kicked him out, Jean and Martin have vowed to end Victor, but Jean thinks he can get Nelson to do it for them, Martin and Sonny broke up because Victor found out and Maddy has been up to absolutely no good. Everyone up to speed? Let’s go!

We open with Olivier (Niall Hayes) reciting a Keats poem about dying to his father Jean (Marc Andre-Grondin – my kingdom for an accent button on WordPress!); or leaves and cider. One of those. Olivier asks what his dad thinks happens to people when they die and I held my breath and whew: Jean’s an atheist! I meet more atheists as I go and it’s like meeting someone who likes The Live! as much as I do: rare and totally awesome.

Olivier wants to be like his dad, he’s an atheist too! But Jean wants Olivier to be better than him, I’d say that ship has already sailed, Jean. Ketchup beheadings and all. All this is about one thing: are Daddy and Mommy really spitting up for good? Jean doesn’t answer, which irritates the hell out of me, but probably just because I will be having that exact talk with my kiddos this weekend and I think he should be more straightforward. Carry on, Jean, I’m micromanaging from afar!

Jean, Martin (Denis Menochet) and Sonny (Kate Magowan) are meeting at the Clay apartment in town; Jean immediately lays into the both of them about what were they thinking? And I cheer when Martin tells him to shut it just as fast; he has no right to pose that question, and it’s a bit rich coming from the philandering Jean. Martin says he doesn’t regret it and there’s a pause.

Jean brings up Nelson swearing that Victor will die if he messes with corpses again, and Sonny backs him up when she hears of Victor’s recent exploits, but it’s interesting that Nelson didn’t tell her the real story about how Victor’s wife died, but did tell new friend Jean. Also interesting is that Victor (Liam Garrigan) hasn’t had any girlfriends since he killed his wife; when I first watched this series that detail was left out; it made Victor’s acts seem more random and less directed.

Jean tells Sonny they need her help; they need her apartment. She doesn’t want anything to do with it, though, she’s not part of what “you people” do. Martin disagrees and asks her how many other places she has like this? She icily directs them to show themselves out and to “take your bottle with you”. She says thorough Nelson will have the place forensically swept, which seems slightly stage-y for dialogue, meaning it will come up again. There’s just hate on her formerly lovely visage .

Jean and Martin are brainstorming about how to lure Victor into a safe spot, Martin asks if Jean is going to tell Victor he has “a date with an attractive recently dead girl”? and hide in a wardrobe to take pictures? Jean is worried that he doesn’t know Victor’s type, what if it doesn’t work? Martin is confused; “necrophiliacs have a type? Other than just, you know…dead?” Nobody knows and if Victor gets a whiff of it…Jean wants to fabricate a scene, but they need Victor’s sperm (Nelson and his forensic sweeping – look, it came up already!). And a location. And a dead girl. 3 problems it is!

Julie (Miranda Raison) and her sister Nina (Lucy Akhurst) are discussing the impending divorce; it goes to Julie feeling that Jean is “fundamentally a good man who’s just behaving like a c*nt.” Nina just wants to know if Jean is a “redeemable c*nt?” Because if not…what does that leave? “Life as a single parent” which really does get easier the more you say it. It’s even easier to write it down in the beginning!

Jean should be able to get access to a body fairly easily, in his line of work, but when it comes down to it, I thought Veysel’s wife’s assault was more about power, no? But then there was poor Joanna, so who knows? Jean has a line on the a body through a pill-popping doctor Gregor (Niall Greig Fulton who I know from The Five! I thought he was Swedish for ages, my bad), aka the Quasimodo of the addicted doctor set. 24 hours in and out (no pun intended) and she’ll be back in untouched condition, no harm no foul. There’s some negotiation, but they come to terms and are off to see the body. I don’t think Victor’s gonna spring the wheel for this particular 60 year old lady, or amputees or men but as the doctor says: attractive women in their twenties tend to not drop dead of natural causes. And natural it would have to be, otherwise autopsy and the family sniffing around would be a problem. This seems like it will be trickier than thought. Martin waxes nostalgia about Anita, the one-legged sprinter he dated while Jean glowers. I wonder if these two know they’re in the same show?

Jean sees Claire (Tanya Fear) at her mother’s funeral, they’re very much done.

Julie’s gone for a run, coming home to find that the kids have made lunch. Er, WHAT?? When does THAT happen?? They think their dad must have really hurt their mum, Maddy (Jemma Donovan) has inferred that because they’re being dragged off to Grandma’s. Julie packs everything but her wedding ring and I’m really sorry I’m interjecting so much about the separation, it’s so TOPICAL!

I want a cigarette.

Victor is at the peep-show ballet observing the talent when Martin calls; he’s planning to talk to Nelson tomorrow about his affair with Sonny. He wants Victor’s assurance that he will take care of his brother Jean. Victor rightly asks if Martin’s taking a piss, but no, no, he and Martin drank together and bonded and he wants to see Victor’s face so he can tell if he’s telling the truth. Victor agrees to meet him at the wine bar the following evening.

Martin is holding forth about how women are always held responsible for everything wrong: Helen of Troy, Joan of Arc, the Virgin Mary, Hillary Clinton; Jean’s mom. We flash back to the boys’ childhood after Capoue’s death, everyone knew Capoue (who I’d forgotten was a policeman) was sleeping with Jean and Martin’s mom and weren’t shy about commending Jean & Martin’s dad for killing him for revenge. Martin told his dad what they did, and says he was responsible for their dad’s death, but Jean doesn’t want to hear anymore, he’s had ENOUGH! I would like to hear, Martin? It sounds important. Just speak directly into the camera in French so I can use the subtitles. Thanks!

I think Martin told his dad that he and Jean had killed Capoue, which makes Jean FURIOUS.

Maddy is playing tennis with Jean and for once looks all young and healthy but also very privileged. She tells him he needs to fix things or they’ll have to leave London: try harder, Dad! He drops off Maddy but makes a run at Julie instead of leaving. She’s not wrong when she says he loved all the excitement and drama of the past few months; he loved it. It reminded her of when they first met. I’ll say this; when you’ve been married for a long-ish time and your life is just about kids and activity schedules and potty training and all the minutiae of day to day life; it’s possible to feel as though you would sell more than one of your ambulatory limbs for some excitement, something DIFFERENT.

She asks him what can only be called The Husband’s Dilemma: did he love Claire? Of course, he can’t answer yes, because that will torpedo any future for he and Julie, and he can’t say no, because then he risked their whole marriage on a nothing piece of arse…and he opts for the latter. I think he did have feelings for Claire, but he was right to not admit it if he ever wants back into Julie’s life again. She kicks him out as he gasps over her lack of wedding ring.

Julie looks out her back window to see Victor, leering at her from the garage. She approaches him, seemingly unafraid, and they have a very tense but commonplace conversation: his and Nelson’s names are old-fashioned – their parents were (negligent) patriots that put them in care; he doesn’t necessarily want to hurt Julie and her family, but he will.

Culminating in her slapping him for threatening her family and him throwing her up against a brick wall. Maddy calling out saves the both of them from their next moves and there’s still something there with them.

Nelson (Brendan Coyle) and Joey (Doug Allen) are going through the 100 kilos of paperwork for Buckingham Gate; this is “being inside the tent and pissing out” which I feel like I should understand. She reassures him: she doesn’t want any of this, just him. And maybe Martin on the side, but no, no, just him. *doe eyes*

Martin meets a whiskey-swilling Victor sitting at a table with Kevin, who leaves.

Lots of whiskey and muttering and ehhhh!!! When Victor says he thinks he’s gone soft, he couldn’t do a job today, he’d formed an attachment, so he had to send Kevin, every single hair on my body stood up. GO, MARTIN!!!!! SAVE JULIE!! Instead, Martin pours more whiskey…but he calls her and she answers and is alive. Huh. Who else could that mean? EHHHHHH he did mean her, she lollygags and goes back for her wedding ring and there is Kevin! Oh FFS JULIE, WHEN YOU HEAR A WINDOW BREAK, YOU HIDE, YOU DON’T START CALLING OUT YOUR KIDS NAMES, AS IF THEY’D LEAVE THE CAR TO COME BREAK A BLOODY WINDOW!!

I would really like a cigarette.

Martin takes Victor to a whorehouse, where he falls into the willing arms of Genevieve (Magdalena Kurek), who comes with a guarantee and can suck the chrome off a tailpipe. She’s to collect the sperm!

Jean is calling Julie, still no answer, while Martin is being hypnotised by jellyfish in the whorehouse lobby while the Madame catches up on her knitting. Genevieve hasn’t any luck, she’s got lockjaw and no condom and when Martin sarcastically says maybe she isn’t Victor’s type (re: alive), her answer makes me laugh out loud

Then Martin talks himself into beating Victor off; I mean, he’s AT A WHOREHOUSE. THEY HAVE PROFESSIONALS THERE. That made no sense at all, except for the funny; I guess; har de har, men pulling each other off is so hilarious. If you think that’s a hoot, you need to spend more time on Tumblr.

They’ve got their body, a 22 year old who died from cerebral hemorrhage, no family means nobody to notice if her body goes missing for 24 hours and a CTScan diagnosis means no autopsy to leave unsightly marks on the missus. She couldn’t be more perfect.

Nelson is going over the Buckingham Gate final paperwork with lawyers while a very hungover Victor slouches in the corner. Jean and Martin bust in (Denny (Sam Mackay): oh look! It’s the Kardashians!), fists flying, and shouting about Victor “doing it again.” He fcuks dead people!” Game time! Jean says Victor fcuked a dead woman in Julie’s studio and all I get from that is that NELSON sent Victor to see Julie in the first place. Aw man. I do have to say I think it’s hilarious that everyone seems to think that Victor saying ” I don’t do that ANY MORE” is a valid rebuttal, like once was okay, but twice? Come ON!

The lawyers want to come back later, which is a little rich considering at least one of them was perfectly content being next to Joey counting cash from presumably nefarious enterprises last time. One little spot of necrophilia and everyone’s oot!

Joey and Denny have a bit of a tussle; Jean reaches for his phone to show the pictures of Victor on his bed, Denny points his gun and Joey says “easy Rambo” and when Denny says “Rambo didn’t have a fcuking gun!” Joey headbutts him and says “he did in the fcuking sequels”. *icy stare*. Nelson has the line of the night:

Then tells the lawyers to STFU: he wants to see the girl. Field trip!

At Julie’s studio, Nelson checks out the scene and Jean is killing his own deal by explaining exactly in clinical terms how he knows it was Victor. Nelson quite rightly knows his brother’s style and this calm scene ain’t it, but the presence of semen (confirmed by Denny *herk*) convinces Nelson to at least run a DNA test. With Jean’s assurance, Nelson turns to his brother, who has been gibbering about Martin and Sonny the entire time.Don’t just deny, make it plausible!! Victor can’t say anything.

Nelson tells Victor that if this is true…the responsibility lies with him.

So. They’ve effectively neutralized Victor as a threat about him telling about Sonny, it will seem to only be about retribution, that’s the good news. The bad news is: that’s not Victor’s sperm, it’s Martin’s. And if Nelson tests it, both brothers will be dead.

Nelson walks out into the night and suddenly, I am very afraid for him. There’s nobody in front of him or flanking him and he can’t intimidate bullets shot from a distance. It passes as they get into a big circle and he grabs Martin, puts a gun under his chin

Martin sells the lie (too much blinking!) while Victor screams “do it!!” from behind. He does not do it.

Instead, he turns the gun on Jean, who is absolutely clearly not lying and brings up Veysel Keaton and his wife. DCI Squires can tell Nelson everything he needs to know about her post-mortem assault, and Denny is creeped the eff oot: half her face was blown off, man! How could you? Oh sure, her having a mutilated face was the problem, but the whole BEING DEAD issue was fine I guess. Victor says “alright I did it I fcuked the Turk’s wife..” and just then Nelson shoots him in the eye. It gets all over Joey and Denny and that seems apt.

Nelson hoists Victor’s body up to display his failure; he let this sick man continue for too long and AHHHH HE’S GOING TO SHOOT HIMSELF AND AHHHHHH THE GUN MISFIRES OR IT’S OUT OF BULLETS AND ANYWAY IT DOESN’T FIRE AND AHHHHHH.

Holy shit, I just spent a full minute saying “ohnodon’tyoudare don’tyoudare oh no non nonononononon”  and my husband thinks I’ve lost my mind.

Martin takes the gun away, saying “It’s not your time, mate” while Joey stares. Things have changed with them. Martin accidentally shoots Denny in the foot; now the gun works?

There was a moment when Nelson had the gun pointed at Jean and I love that Martin stepped in front of him. That’s what big brothers do, and while Nelson thinks they are the same, these two sets of brothers raised in care, Martin knows different.

https://youtu.be/M17euz4DuE4

This plays while Nelson is drinking by the fire when Sonny finds him, he turns to her and says “You’ve been fcuking Martin Bastiere” and she forgets how to breathe. He doesn’t want to hear anything from her, he chose to kill his brother today and he is choosing to not kill her. So he knew.

Jean and Martin are dealing with synchronized screaming and throwing up. Martin has something for Jean, an old Christmas card that their mom kept. And postcards. WAIT. The cards are from Martin and Jean’s DAD! He’s still alive maybe! Jean thinks any parent who faked his own death and stayed away for a quarter century can go fcuk themselves, but Martin retains hope.

They go home, Jean’s door is open. I’d completely forgotten about Kevin!!! They find the broken window…and we oot

Wow. That was quite the rollercoaster ride. Lookit the contrast between the two sets of brothers raised together in care; one older brother still protecting the younger and the other killing his younger brother out of a sense of responsibility. Lookit Nelson with all his available choice: to kill Victor and Sonny or to not. And Victor, as above, with no choice at all. You know, you can kick a dog for being a dog as many times as your conscience will allow (like, none); it will not stop that dog from being a dog. It will just make it an angry and dangerous dog. Maybe the suggestion is that Nelson dragging Victor into his world is what broke him, this beautiful manchild with homicidal tendencies, an affection for cool flesh and zero coping skills.

Does any of that apply to the Bastieres? I don’t know. I don’t know if I agree that Jean is a “fundamentally good man behaving like a c*nt.” I still think an axe to the head is a bit much for someone slapping the shite out of your brother, although maybe it had more to do with Capoue having sex with his mother and humiliating his father. Who can say?

I haven’t heard tale of season two being in the works yet, but I have my fingers crossed. Until next time, find your fucking discipline, mates. Cheers!