Hey I heard today was Cheat Day! Thanks, The Magicians! Although, really: every day should be Cheat Day, so let’s roll after the break and find out what the Foo Fighters have to do with Fillory anyway.

Penny (Arjun Gupta) is looking for advice from Dean Fogg (Rick Worthy) because his digits are continuing to disobey; Dean’s got nuthin’. BUT, he can send Penny to see Mayakovsky (Brian F. O’Byrne) who we met back in The Mayakovsky Circumstance when Alice (Olivia Taylor Dudley) and Quentin (Jason Ralph) got freaky as foxes in front of everyone.

Penny takes a hard pass on the “drunk perv in the igloo” and so Fogg suggests something else; he can send Penny where he sent Q. We cut to Quentin working in an office and tell me this doesn’t look like the set-up for a twink-slam on one of the less expensive gay porn sites?

Some rando tries to engage Quentin in small talk; he even forgot his wallet in his story! But we don’t segue into filth, it’s just a way to show how awkward Q is in public. That’s why he liked Fillory so much. He tries a little magic on a jam jar (not a euphemism) just as a co-worker walks in; a mysterious email after suggests she’s also into wiggling her fingers at closed jar lids.

Penny has been transported to Mayakovsky’s chilly school after all, but it doesn’t look like anyone’s home, except for whoever stuck him to the roof.

“Best Bitches” Julia (Stella Maeve) and Kady (Jade Tailor) are brainstorming over old newspapers, looking for any sign of a woman who once banished Reynard the Fox and yeah: that couldn’t be any more vague or any more of a waste of time.

Oh but I was right lo those many moons ago when I said that Julia was impregnated by Reynard (Sean Astin); she’s puking in the sink now and a woman of a fertile age puking on TV always equals pg. A test proves it, Mazel, Julia!

That was the one single pass I gave The Magicians for Julia’s rape (and showing so much of it); I figured she had to be expecting a baby Reynard any minute.

Julia wants to terminate with a spell; Kady doesn’t think that’s a good idea since they’re all pretty freaky. She tries to calm Julia down; an abortion is a simple, uncomplicated procedure, but is it? Is aborting a god’s baby a simple, uncomplicated procedure? I’m guessing not.

Eliot (Hale Appleman) is spitting out yet another cup of substandard Fillorian champagne when Fen (Brittany Curran) comes in with a rabbit, but instead of dying, this one talks in the creepiest way possible.

Awww, they have an heir on the way! He drinks a toast to “our violently attractive progeny” as Fen glares at him in disappointment.

Mayakovsky needs just a little help from Penny before he’ll fix his hands, deal? Deal!

Ah the co-worker that walked in on Quentin casting is the student who got Charlie killed! Emily Greenstreet (Abby Miller) explains to Q how they get along in the “real world”: they drink. Like, a lot. They complain about how magic doesn’t fix anything, it’s like magic is prescription medicine! They cast, then have to deal with the endless side effects, one after the other that all require spells and then more side effects. Just when they decide that magic is just a waste of time, she spills red wine all over her white shirt and he magicks it away.

Eliot is REALLY not wanting this baby, but it’s because he had a shitty role model in his bad dad. He’s trying to make Fen understand, but a sudden murdery attack from a valet distracts her anyhow. High Queen Margo (Summer Bishil) foils his attempt at just the right time, but I think Fen might have been in on it…

Some throne room discussion later, Margo dismisses everyone so she and Eliot can decide what to do with the would-be assassin. They didn’t like the tone of the advisor’s remarks; they clearly hate commoners.

Emily is pissssed about Quentin saving her job and white shirt; she doesn’t want his apology, they JUST talked about how bad magic was! (It’s like she HEARD me!). Find another company, Q!

Mayakovsky is planning to KarateKid-Mr. Miyagi Penny’s hands back to health; first step is untying the knots in a 10-foot-high pile of ropes. Have at ‘er, P!

Julia has her pregnancy confirmed; now let’s talk options. She wants her abortion immediately, but the doctor has a waiting list. 2 days doesn’t really sound like a horrible wait but she talks the doctor down to one and who here thinks this is going to go well? By show of hands?

Eliot and Margo visit the murderous usurper in the dungeon; he immediately directs them to leave and we’re confused. Isn’t he like, in the dungeon and all? Ah but he thinks they’re on his land because he is Bayler (Rhys Ward) of the Fillorians United and a Foo Fighter. (I LOVE THE FOOS!).

Margo and me:

They’re at a loss, though, when was the last time they dealt with a political insurgency? They can’t execute him because that would martyr him, what are they gonna do? Margo’s off to do research at Brakebills, maybe Eliot will go celebrate with Fen. Right.

Penny untied all the ropes! And still has no fecking manners, yelling at Mayakovsky in his own home, chill, bro!

I was totally right! The creepy co-worker who lost his wallet is back in Quentin’s office, talking about jerking it in his and asking if Q’s about to and yeah. “I’m not doing that!…here”

Emily bursts in; she’s come to apologize and see if he’s masturbating in his office like she does; I am not touching one surface in this place. She’s loaded, and ready to party!

Penny’s on step two of his Miyagi Plan; something involving wood planing. Mayalovsky is looking for a drinking partner (just like Eliot and Emily!) but Penny’s not doing it right.

Julia is furious with herself for falling for Our Lady of the Whatever; she should have known the difference between magic and miracles. “One is real and the other is a lie with sparkles” and I legit had to take a second to figure out which she meant. She’s just nervous about the abortion, really, so Kady tells her about the one she had.

Emily and Quentin bond over many, many beers and their losses through magic. It’s like the most unsexy game of Truth or Dare ever. I mean, Quentin gets dared to smoke pot. It’s Cheat Day, though, so she’ll do a little magic with her pot

I wish they’d just bang and get it over with. Her second smoke spell is the galloping horse that Alice in school.

They end up back at her place, she wants to do a spell. Quentin suggests instead they just keep drinking and making bad decisions, howbowdah?

Mayakovsky and Penny talk about his condition; maybe Penny’s done. Maybe he won’t do any magic anymore and this is his chance to get out now that The Beast is out of his melon. Mayakovsky’s been tracking the magical currents, which are supposed to stay steady, but are sputtering all over the place. He advises Penny to go, Penny, get OOT! He himself can’t go anywhere, he is trapped by a bond thanks to something he’s not drunk enough to talk about it. Oh no, wait, he screwed a lot of students, which was fine until he f*cked the wrong one. Who???

Eliot creeps in to stare at his pregnant bride, then he’s off to the dungeon for advice

Emily has a great idea for a spell; it’s an illusion spell that requires wet skin and I DO NOT TRUST THIS WOMAN. I do enjoy watching him shower though, stop judging! Ohhhhh, the spell makes him look like Mayakovsky, who was exiled for screwing HER. Then they just cuddle. I mean

Now he gets to see Alice again; he cries and they bang and it’s like having someone put on a mask made of your ex’s face so you can get it up. WEIRD.

Emily is all post-coital glow in the morning, Quentin bails at the speed of sound while she gets angrier and angrier. I am worried that she’s not one to cross.

Eliot surprises everyone when he announces his decision to not execute the prisoner; Margo most of all. She’s furious, even more so when she realises that her disagreement doesn’t matter: Eliot has final say. “So this is what the Patriarchy smells like. Not the freshest” is probably the line of the night. Off she stalks

The nurse at the medical clinic is under some kind of enchantment; she deletes Julia’s appointment from the system and refuses the Best Bitches access. A phone call to the doctor gets Julia in, but there is no way this will go smoothly.

Mayakovsky awakens in a pile of wood shavings; he explains his MiyagiMethod: all the work Penny has been doing has released magic that he has captured in a ball, like a battery. He’s storing magical energy for when there’s a drought, now go get some moss from Fillory, Penny!

Ahhh I wasn’t far off with Fen, she definitely knew Bayler and that’s why she hesitated to stab him when he was trying to kill Eliot. She’s not a Foo Fighter anymore, Bayler! That totally made me laugh, but the plan always was for her to be on the inside where she could help them.

She swears she won’t help him, and when he threatens to reveal their past relationships swears to do it herself. And if the Foos rush the castle again, she’ll kill him herself.

Julia’s getting prepped for her abortion, I’m much more nervous than she is because she’s high AF. The doctor’s fingers stop working and then Reynard takes over and forces the doctor to stab herself in the eye with something sharp. GO!! Go you guys!!!

Quentin’s been working on an email to Alice’s parents for a little while, he sends it from his phone while on the street (looking like a disturbingly handsome Italian model) and looks up to see a dead and decomposing Alice herself staring at him. She mouths “help me” and is gone. He runs after her and we’re out.

Quite a few directly mirroring sequences tonight; the twin pregnancies, the drinking, the only being able to get it done while looking at your dead ex (or similar – the thing with Eliot and Javier last week) and so on and so forth. I think Emily is going to be a factor somehow, we’ll see if her extending her Cheat Day rule means that she’ll explode all over Quentin in a slightly less sexual way. The Foo Fighter but was just awesome, I couldn’t help but wonder if it’s timed to match all the advertising about the Foo’s first concert in a bit, who knows? Until next time you guys!