Welcome back to season 1 of The Split with the lovely Nicola Walker and Meera Syall, woooo! My series 1 episode 2 All the Affairs recap is right after the break!

Last we saw our complicated DeFoe family, we had the longest day ever wherein someone had a birthday, someone showed up with a paper card after literally 3 decades of silence, clients switched lawyers almost as fast and furious as the sibling rivalry-fueled sexual hi-jinks of the second youngest and we all wondered how we’d look in Hannah’s blonde bob.

We jump right into another family law case (that’s what we call them here in Canada, is that different in the UK? I feel like it would be fancier, perhaps…), the pending union of a footballer, his 20-person entourage, and his glamour model fiancee represented by our Hannah Stern (Nicola Walker).

We thought there was just a prenuptial on the table, but no! Dishy Dutchman and fellow solicitor Christie Carmichael (Barry Atsma) talks his way into joining Hannah, only to find out that the footballer’s lawyer is his ex-wife Lauren Brooker (Ruth Bradley).

PREGNANT ex-wife, let’s throw that in there. Because she and Christie broke up because he didn’t want kids.

Christie’s going to be dating Hannah’s sister Nina (Annabel Scholey), did we mention that yet? But the chemistry between him and Hannah is as undeniable as it is tragic.

Hannah’s mum Ruth Defoe (Deborah Findlay) waits impatiently in a park for her long-lost-now-found husband Oscar (Anthony Head), seriously, does he just lurk in parks all day? Wearing that same scarf?

Quick synopsis of their conversation:

• He calls her fat
• He left her for another woman, presumably one who cares what his chubby old arse thinks about her weight
• He wants to see their GROWN ADULT CHILDREN and thinks he has to fight her for it
• She is ready to fight him seeing their GROWN ADULT CHILDREN

Divorce really is the worst, anyone who thinks they’re doing other adults favours by ‘protecting them’ is just as deluded as someone who thinks they can wander back into a stranger’s life 30 years later with only shared blood in common.

Ruth cares so much about her grown adult daughters that she goes straight back to the office to tell Rose (Fiona Button) she won’t be going to her bridal dress picking (okay something bridal) but she’ll pay for it. Both Rose and other daughter Nina fail to mention they will be seeing their dad later because that’s just how we roll with this family.

And THEN. Ruth and Nina have an awkward chat about the father wanting to meet them and that he’s a rotten bastage who will only take what he wants then leave (paraphrasing). I mean. Does Ruth think so little of her daughters that she thinks they’re likely to swoon over this stranger? Ruth seems more angry than anything softer like affectionate and caring towards her grown adult children that she chooses to either have work for her or dominate in some form.

As we were saying…Ruth sends Hannah a ‘Form E’ which prompts an incensed Hannah to bid her safe journey to Hell. This is the financial disclosure form of divorce.

We’re watching baby Rose choose a wedding dress but really the choosing is in the careful words between Nina and Hannah about Christie and what he likes. They’re meeting after dress choosing! Hannah’s sisters are determined to make her come meet their father, Rose really pushing.

Aw love as emotional blackmail, all is right with the world.

Dinner starts off terribly, so many awkward hugs that Hannah deftly dodges. She only makes about five minutes of conversation but walks off after Oscar artfully dodges direct questions. 90 seconds later, she’s gone again, she just can’t fake civility and she calls herself a lawyer??

Hannah goes back to work, where she finds Christie in what looks like a compromising situation with his pregnant EX-wife. Hannah leaves in tears, but I mean, he was supposed to be n a date with her sister at this point, so I am slightly confused why his ex-wife stroking his arm is more upsetting to Hannah than all the upcoming shagging her sister has been forecasting.

Hannah seeks refuge with her children and husband.

She tries to process how tonight made her feel; her dad had a great life out in New York with their 24 year old nanny named Maya, still in braces when they ran off together to a beach house and boat. Which Oscar never shared with his girls, none of that.

Perhaps that’s why Ruth is so carbon-plated.

Hannah’s husband Nathan (Stephen Mangan) tries to comfort her, but then they’re talking about affairs and the air is thick between them. Nathan shuts down entirely when Hannah brings up Christie.

Christie almost texts Hannah (as she stares at her phone) and then we’re with a mostly drunky Nina. Yaaaaay. Oh and Christie stands her up.

The next day, the interwebs have come for Hannah’s client Kelsey Ashworth (Chanel Cresswell) who is all over the online news looking drapey all over male models in Dubai. It looks like the prenuptial agreement her fiance Diallo Diapo (Thierry Mabonga) has been considering is no longer needed. Christie’s ex-wife and Diallo’s lawyer Lauren offers up a non-disclosure agreement instead with a ‘generous’ offer, but Kelsey is having none of that.

A moment of connection between Lauren and Hannah, I think Lauren is a bit softer now, understanding that Kelsey really was there for the right reasons, and perhaps Diallo was not.

Interesting.

On to our main client Goldie (Meera Syal!!), but she’s running late. She can’t get her giant ring off and is still living in the same house with the wanker she married, Davey MacKenzie (Stephen Tomkinson), the guy currently and previously shagging her best friend.

Hannah and Goldie go over the financial disclosure provided by Davey, I don’t know why these people think they can get away with scamming courts. Maybe it’s their first divorce, it’s certainly not the first one for anyone in the business.

Davey has given his reasons for the divorce and they’re very difficult for Goldie to hear. Even if you hate the person you’re divorcing or being divorced by, it is still incredibly difficult to hear terrible and untrue things from the person you once loved. Maybe even had children with.

Hannah warns Goldie that the other solicitor (her MUM!) will fight hard, but she’ll be in her corner and I think it was just then that I realised that Goldie with her huge sad eyes and glamour girl legs is just the symbolic battleground for this family fight.

Hannah and Ruth meet at the MacKenzie estate with a forensic accountant; the only thing they get along over is a shared hatred of Maya, the nanny in braces who stole Ruth’s husband and Hannah’s dad.

Oh. Weird. Nathan has come by to see Hannah but instead he’s hanging out with Christie. And might be coming to work with Christie and Hannah on something? Good lord, please no. Their ten second interaction as a group hurt my entire brain with its discomfort.

So many things happen over night! Back to Kelsey and the footballer Diallo who have just ended their engagement

Okay.

Kelsey and Diallo are back on. She’s going to agree to sign the pre-nup without amendments.

BUT.

Lauren had drawn up 5. 5!! of these exact same non-disclosure agreements with 5 different women before Kelsey. Kelsey will get what she wants.

These are five different women that agreed to sign NDAs for money and they don’t all pre-date Kelsey. One was after they were engaged. Kelsey agrees to go ahead anyway.

Lauren switches the conversation to asking about Christie – she’s put things together about her marriage. Lauren thinks Christie didn’t want kids with HER, inferring he did want kids with Hannah.

Oscar shows up at Ruth’s office to be met with a cheque for $500,000.00 but it’s not nearly enough. Oscar is after the big game; Nina listens at the door as Ruth discovers Oscar’s real motives for making friends with his ‘fully cooked’ children. He wants half of the firm; she’ll either give it to him and he’ll try to convince the girls to sign.

Ruth laughs with relief, understanding he is just as disgusting a human being as she had remembered.

Nina takes it rather more poorly.

Goldie’s daughter Dawn (Maya Sondhi) comes by to grab her dad’s mail; funny that she’s helping him when she thinks he’s a total sh*t. Divorce is garbage.

A few more minutes alone with Christie and Hannah, one more cryptic remark of many from him and Hannah’s had it. She’s very direct. They got drunk and slept together the night before her wedding, but that’s it, this is nothing and it can’t continue. She married Nathan, she chose Nathan and that’s all there is.

It’s always interesting the lines people draw in the sand. Nathan would be absolutely undoubtedly think sleeping with someone the night before they got married was cheating, and choosing to work with them later on: putting yourself in exactly the wrong sort of situation.

Christie leaves, furious, indignant and incredulous but also without a word.

Rose destroys the wedding dress she just bought to marry the lovely James (Rudi Dharmalingam) as Goldie does her level best to destroy all the expensive bottles of wine she can manage. Davey and her best friend won’t be drinking these!

Christie knocks on Nina’s door to be turned away while Hannah takes off her makeup and we are out for today, my friends.

Hmmm so Nina has relented. Rose is disillusioned. Hannah is resolute and Christie is unhinged. Interesting. Until next time!