I’m very blue, I didn’t get to watch this with my online besties first as I usually do, let’s see what I managed to pick up on my own.

Sasha and Abraham are completing their patrol, him telling a story about a camel eating his military transport keys and her not believing it for a second. “You’re an idiot” “I’ve never denied it.” And I am so wondering about them as a couple. He intimated as much when they were on that fated supply run that ended in dress blues and blown-up bikers.

Abraham can’t believe Maggie is whelping and that’s probably an insult, but hee hee, that’s just Abraham! Blergh. He thinks it’s mad to bring someone new into this world; I’m just concerned about the logistics thereof. It did not go so well for the mama last time a bebeh was birthed on The Walking Dead, and although I was ever so glad to see Laurie (typo and it STAYS, JSierra!!) go, I wouldn’t wish a c-section by Buck knife on ANYONE.

Sasha is bailing from their usual patrol, Eugene wants to be more involved and there is something more there. They chunk up the deuces and it gets super sad for big A.

Oh. He’s still boning Rosita Espinoza of the pillowy lips and incredibly short shorts. Huh. What’s he sniffing around Sasha for, then? There’s not enough people left to double up, Abe! You get one! IF you’re lucky. Rosita will be training Eugene and he’s gonna teach her about chemistry. Yay!

They make out for awhile and it’s super gross. For one thing, it must be hot as hayull, they’re both sweaty and he’s gone all ginger-blotchy (you should see me post-coital, it’s a MESS) and he looks as though he’s trying to inhale her, one sweaty gross kiss at a time.

She gets up to throw him something; she made him a necklace and pendant made from the fuel truck’s brake light. He waxes poetic about how perfect she is, she wants him to put his penis where his… ookay, that metaphor went sideways, she wants him to mess up a shower with her, but he has to do some more thinking about those final-sounding deuces from Sasha. GO WASH NOW, ABE!! Come ON!!

Maggie is outside tying together poles for the crops she has planted, Glenn comes and helps and thank you so much for putting them in the same frame for me. Le sigh.

Jesus is sitting outside Rick’s bedroom door examining the local art when Coral finds him and holds a gun on him; Jesus says he’s just waiting for Coral’s “mom and dad” to come out….ohhhhhhh!! Coral’s gonna find out they were making the beast with two backs!!!! Plus we get a bonus shot of half nekkid Rick; today is not a bad day.

Family Meeting time! Everyone convenes in the kitchen, how the hell did you get out of the dungeon, Jesus? It’s like..a miracle…or sumpin. Or there being two entrances and just the one guard, and knots untying and all that. Party pooper. My favourite line of the night: Entrophy comes from order, right?

While he was wandering around untied and all that, he had a good long look at what’s what in Alexandria. He respects their arsenal but notes that their provisions are low and awww, he likes Carol’s cookies!

He also thinks they’re on the same side, the living, but Daryl is just not that sure.

He has a community that has been surviving through trade and he wants to hook these guys up with his guys and make some beautiful compromises; like food for ammo or what have you. He’s gonna take everyone to his group and Maggie latches on to the most meaningful part of his pitch: his community trades with LOTS of groups: how many are there? We know about Negan, sorta, and disfookinguy, but who else? He says their world is about to get a whole lot bigger.

Denise is so adorable; she’s baked Daryl a homemade oatcake for the journey, which he doesn’t want ant awww, he thinks they can just make a pitstop and pick something up. CIRCLE K IS CLOSED, DARYL! I really like them as pals and I hope we get to find out soon who he reminds her of; I’m guessing brother or dad. He takes the oatcake.

Rick and Coral are talking outside the motorhome they’re taking on the journey; oh and about Michonne…it just happened and Rick says last night was the first time and I call shenanigans! Coral is staying home with Judith and I really hope that isn’t because he’s worried about the impression his missing eye will give the other community. Some of the best people I know only have one eye!

On the trip, people are napping, but Abraham has to know; he asks Glenn “when you were, uh, pouring the Bisquick, were you trying to make pancakes?” and it takes Glenn and me 30 full seconds to realise he’s talking about Baby Batter, not flapjacks.

Abraham doesn’t UNDERSTAND, given the situation of the world currently, how they could make a call like that. Glenn says they’re trying to build something and Abraham says that he uses at least two condoms at once and WE DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT.

Awww, Rick grabs Michonne’s hand and I mean this in the best possible way: I am so happy my Richonne dreams have all come through, but Imma need you two to focus, okay? There’s still a lot of shite going on of the bitey and shooty variety.

They come across a recent car accident, it looks BRUTAL, but they overdid it with the zombies, they look like a Halloween attraction at my neighbour’s house. Jesus recognises it as their people and asks to have a gun. I’ve never seen Daryl look more disgusted, and I’m pretty sure he had to drag floaters out of a well once. He says they’ll track instead.

They find the rest of Jesus’s flock in what looks to be the remains of a police station, they handcuff the Messiah just to be safe and leave him with Maggie. As far as I know, handcuffs DON’T untie, but they do have pickable locks, sooo

The gang sweeps room by room, killing walkers as they go, finding more people alive, and I think it’s hilarious that everyone says “We’re with Jesus” hahahahahah. One can’t leave yet, he’s waiting for a hurt friend, and said wounded warrior comes thisclose to Abraham in a murdermistybrain.

Maggie and Glenn are yakking to newly found Harlan, and WOO HOO, he’s a doctor!! AND AN OBSTETRICIAN!! I am so happy!!!! Yay!!!

His wounded friend Freddie isn’t looking too hot, nasty cut on his leg and he’s already having hallucinations about his wife that died pre-epidemic and…what caused the walker flu again?

The motorhome spins out in the mud, but no worries; they’re at Jesus’s abode and let’s go meet the folks! They walk up to an gate guarded by men with spears HAHAHAHAHAHA says machine-gun-toting our gang. Jesus says he trusts them: “trust us.” And in they go.

The headquarters of this group is a beautiful old mansion / museum previously called the Barrington House, and it’s surrounded by FEMA trailers, noice. That’s how the group met and that makes sense.

The inside of the house is just as beautiful, all drapes and shining wood floors and very Old South. Double doors open and we meet Gregory (Xander Berkley) the self-proclaimed boss who already I don’t like. Just his face. And pretend-poncy manner. I mean, if you’re gonna ponce, PONCE, but don’t ask our group to wash up before even talking to you. I mean

Rick tells Maggie to go talk to Gregory, because he “shouldn’t” hahahaha and she needs to start getting involved.

Harlan and the rest of the gang return to their homes while Abraham asks Daryl how long he figures Michonne and Rick have been “ugging bumplies” and I would totally steal that if if didn’t make me think of Abraham, which makes my eyes roll of their own volition. He keeps staring at the pendant Rosita made him and I can’t tell if he’s thinking about her, Sasha or bebehs.

Maggie comes in to see the Guv, I mean Gregory, who calls her Natalie and see? I was right to think he was a fargin icehole. He puffs out his chest and shows off “his” study and all of “his” things while flirting and let’s get down to business.

He opens with thanks for saving the doctor, but doesn’t answer when asked HOW they have all these things at the Hilltop Colony, he takes ALL the credit “I’m good at this. And I don’t get hung up on the details.” And I mean…

He asks about Alexandria, but Jesus has given him a complete rundown of their situation so he already knows. Maggie brings up trade, but he says they don’t have shite. But he’s a nice guy and happy to help (so sure), how’s about beautiful Natalie there swing her beautiful behind in his direction (Maggie already mentioned her husband) and he’ll see what he can do. The rest of the gang can work for their share, and it’s all very Company Store. This is pretty much a history of colonization in a nutshell: someone comes across something worth keeping, convinces other someones to help them protect it, putting the first someone in power and Voila! They have a new land that’s all theirs and they get to make all the rules that ensure that they stay in power until the end of time. Or something that rhymes with smapartheid.

Maggie gets all my love for her “Lemme stop you right there. No. Stop coming onto me, and calling me honey. You don’t have an ammunition. You’re low on medication. You need things.” He dismisses her with a “thank you, Natalie” and we’re out on our petard.

Jesus explains that they do want to trade, but they don’t really need ammo, they have those nifty spears, after all. Rick says something that I would be shocked to hear in season 1, that they came for food, and they aren’t leaving without it *lurking menace*. Jesus asks for a few days and it’s Michonne who answers, saying yes, they have a few days. I am suddenly reminded of when she clocked Rick on the back of the head when they were in Alexandria in the beginning and hmmm. Rick’s eyes go all fluttery at being spoken for, but he assents, yes, they have a few days.

Some excitement; a search team has come back. Gregory asks the leader, Nathan, where’s everyone else? Nathan says Tim and Marshall are dead and they still have Craig, his brother. It was Negan, he says they didn’t send enough food and I believe I have the shape of this Negan now. He’s Kevin Spacey as the grasshopper in A Bug’s Life, he’s the mafia goons in Vinyl, he’s your average guy in the Protection Racket, running the “I will make sure you’re safe, from me, if you give me all your stuff” and good, nice to have him sorted in my mind. The hipstermonologuer from two episodes back made him seem mystical and that no longer sounds like the case.

ANYWAY, Nathan isn’t getting his brother back until he delivers a message to Gregory, which is literally a knife to the guts and a “sorry.” It all gets very shouty at that point. Rick jumps on Nathan, but is pushed off by another disciple, who Abraham tackles. Other Disciple starts choking Abraham and he hears Sasha’s voice, huh and it’s been a rough time for Abraham this episode. You can almost see his brain starting to smoke from all the “thinking”. Daryl pulls OD off Abraham by breaking his arm in a really uncomfortable to watch way; the ruckus causes Rick to lose focus for a second and Nathan swings the tide and Rick around underneath him. He gets a knife to Rick’s throat and starts shouting but Michonne tells him to drop it. In that split second, HE loses focus and Rick stabs HIM in the throat with a small knife and it’s Bleed Out City, Population: Nathan

Y’all need to remind me of when I thought Rick was hawt?

A woman runs over and punches Rick in the face, but Michonne throws her to the ground one-handed, saying “don’t” and I TOLD you they were a great match! Jesus asks everyone to stand down, he needs time.

Abraham is still laying on the ground, Daryl asks him if he’s all right, Abraham says better than all right and as he gets up, his pendant from Rosita stays behind. Does that mean he’s going after Sasha? DOES IT? Somehow, I’m not invested in either character, but I do like to watch people bounce on each other.

In the study, Rick is asking Jesus about Negan; who dis? He’s the head of a group called The Saviors and how he introduced himself is by killing Rory, a 16 year old boy: he beat him to death in front of them all. This sentence filled me with SO MUCH inappropriate joy: in the comics, THAT’S GLENN!!!! NEGAN BEATS GLENN TO DEATH AND THAT’S WHY RICK GOES AFTER HIM AND NOW WE DON’T HAVE TO LOSE GLENN!!!!!! Sorry not sorry, Becks!!!! Oh. Um. Sorry, I am totally not celebrating the horrific fictional death of a fictional 16 year old boy.Just the fact that my fictional Glenn will survive another day. Fictionally. WOO HOO!!!

The deal struck with Negan is half of everything; Gregory being shit negotiator and all, Jesus wouldn’t have chosen him as a leader but people like him (cut to Maggie/Natalie rolling her eyes) and in exchange, Negan doesn’t kill any more of them.

Daryl jumps right in; why not kill Negan? Nobody in the colony knows how to fight; so Daryl says they already took out a gang, if they hook them up with food, they’ll take out the rest. He wants food, medicine, and “one of them cows” and for some reason that made me laugh for a long time.

Jesus is off to talk to Gregory, who wants to see Maggie/Natalie again. Rick says they don’t have enough of anything, except them, what they can do, and yeah. They’ve turned into quite the guns for hire. And it worries me when Maggie says: it will cost, because you know it will. And as much as I’m not invested in Sasha and Abraham, I respect their ability to fight and they’re just the kind of second-stringer the show likes to execute.

Gregory is STILL trying to negotiate, but Maggie cuts him short with “half. Half of what you have” and that’s it; the ants have a new grasshopper to feed. It seems so unfair that these guys farm and tend all the food and whoever has the biggest, baddest boot gets half of it. I think if it hadn’t been for Negan and Gregory being such a prick, the gang would have negotiated ammo for food and been on their way and now: they get to be the NEW Protectors and I get it. New world post apocalypse and all, but I don’t have to like it.

Awwww, Maggie gets an ultrasound!!! And we get to see the bebeh! There’s a sonogram after passed around and it’s lovely! Awww! I am so happy they found a baby doctor and yay! We oot.

So. Abraham is having some kind of mid-life crisis, we’ll see how that metastasizes in a couple of weeks; Glenn and Maggie are all safe and happy (‘FOR NOW!!” snickers Greg Nicotero *insert evil laugh*), our gang has a huge fight ahead of them in meeting the head Mafioso Negan and yeah, we should start picking out who we can live with losing and bombard show runners online. Richonne is in full flower and Jesus is kind of awesome, no? He’s so level-headed, for a religious symbol. Love you, mean it!