Hi everyone, sorry I’m late. It’s just, it’s been a brutal week for the loss of talented people. hasn’t it? First designer Kate Spade then chef Anthony Bourdain, it’s so hard to countenance. I’m sorry, let’s switch over and watch Below Deck Med, where everything is lovely and complicated only on the surface. Rolling S3:E04 after the break.
Okay. We’re on charter with Dr. Jennifer Berman, who is a vag-rejuvenation surgeon (I wonder what Dietland would have to say about that…) and Captain Sandy Yawn’s bestie. It’s not been amazing for the guests so far, what with not being able to get the boat off the dock and no tender to swan about in either (coughConradcough) but it’s even worse right now at breakfast. There’s only one stewardess serving: second stew Brooke Laughton as third stew Kasey Cohen is as useful as an empty bag of hammers and chief stew Hannah Ferrier is ordering stuff on the computer for the NEXT charter instead of helping her coworkers trying to finish THIS charter.
Captain Sandy’s tough questions send Hannah off crying to her room, I think she’s probably just tired because one of the guests wore shoes (with permission from Captain Sandy), so Hannah and crush bosun Conrad Empson were up until 4 am flirting and scrubbing stains out of a carpet. I honestly cannot imagine a less efficient way of cleaning a carpet than crawling around on all fours with a spoon, but that’s what they did.
To be fair, I don’t think the guests were upset about the service, but they are friends and Captain Sandy would like at least the bare minimum for her pals, pleaseandthankyou!
Hannah regroups and heads above deck to check on the guests, who are getting ready to leave already. That was a fast turnaround! Crew lineup on the dock, Dr. Berman has only good feedback and then we’re on to tip meeting!
Overnight only and the service was…okay…so I will guess 10k.
Captain Sandy starts by going over the breakfast service while Hannah suggests in interview that the Captain was only mad she didn’t get to drive around in her boat to show off to her friends and I need a moment.
Would Hannah or Kate Chastain from Below Deck EVER say that about a male Captain? No fucking way, you need to check yourself, Hannah, lest ye wreck yourself.
Chef Adam Glick leads with asking for praise for his supper the night before, right after Captain Sandy reminded everyone how long it took her to get bloody toast at breakfast. Over 40 minutes!
Me too!
Conrad gets read for not taking out the tender after Captain Sandy told him to, twice, and I have to call producer shenanigans on that. The tip is more than decent, 12 thousand Euros and HOW does Kasey get any of that money? She doesn’t do jack!
I need to calm my toots. We’ve barely just begun!
Adam went to the Captain after the meeting and complained about the Interior crew not giving him the orders in time and that was definitely a factor. Hannah overhears and is pisssssed. Captain Sandy reminds Adam that it’s not personal, it’s positional.
The crew hangs out after and eats pizza, lead hand João Franco talking to Kasey the whole time while Brooke watches from across the room. See, João has been flirting with Brooke, but that’s because I literally don’t think he can stop himself from hitting on everything with the possibility of an orifice. Brooke has just been broken up on by her boyfriend and has transferred all those transitional feelings onto João, but felt bad about it and said they need to stop. João switched over to Kasey with nary a hitch and Brooke is 5 feet 3 inches of WHAT THE EFF, DUDE?
Supper time ashore! João is a huge binge drinker (on wine, which is not easy, people), he’s already had a blackout this season and we’re only on episode 4. He’s seated closer to Brooke than Kasey so starts flirting with her again, which she has clearly been waiting for. Kasey is fully aware of the sitch.
Adam’s being his usual passive aggressive self, talking loudly about how good the service is and how hot the food is and generally: how not like Hannah and her Interior crew do things, although he doesn’t say that outright. Here I have to address something.
Some of you didn’t watch Adam last season and maybe you’re wondering why I dislike him so much. This behaviour is exactly why. He would get bad feedback and get his shorts twisted in a knot and go after Hannah or Malia full bore, just the most inflammatory and ridiculous things far beyond rational behaviour to wind them up. Here is a classic example of Adam’s shitty behaviour from last season:
Or even BDM S2:E02 Three’s Company
So his being rude and passive aggressive isn’t anything new for me, but Hannah is still rising to the bait. Did I mention he’s being a dick while he has his arm around her? Totally does.
Conrad follows Hannah outside for a smoke and they talk about his life a bit. His parents got divorced and he never really sees his bio-dad, who sounds like a complete arsehole.
Back to the boat! And back to the smoke pit for Hannah and Conrad at 2am, there’s so gonna kiss any second, even if Conrad has a rule like Wes from last season.
He needs some time to warm up is all, just give him time, Hannah. Then the kissing, which I feel creepy for watching, but it was so odd how there was no face turning, you know? Just straight on. Do their lips stick out further than their noses?
Now Kasey will actually have to pull her weight, they’re leaving the dock! She’s been struggling with severe motion sickness while asea and I can’t see them keeping her if she isn’t able to do anything more than puking in a garbage can while on charter.
Pre-Charter Meeting on the bridge! We’ve got Honey Sarshar as Primary, the only other name I could see was Sheela Hadim. They have very specific dietary requirements, Honey is a type of Kosher that seems even more specific than usual, so Adam will be up to his ears trying to source the right food because there are also vegans and they need 1942 tequila. The gang also wants a Great Gatsby-themed party, sounds fun!
Conrad heads off to get supplies, João and Colin Macy-O’Toole scrub the boat while other deckhand Jamie Jason…takes a nap? It’s 10 am. Well, I guess she thought she had an hour off and slept through, taking an hour and fifteen minutes, but when João asks her about it, he doesn’t appear to know she was taking an hour off. Her snide attitude while answering isn’t doing her any favours.
Instead of hitting the work hard, she sits on the deck and calls home to cry.
Being young is hard.
Hannah calms Jamie down, what’s she going to do about my eyes getting stuck from rolling so hard?
Brooke’s researching The Great Gatsby all morning, only three hours until charter! Conrad gets back and finds out what’s been going on in his absence, he’s absolutely right that João shouldn’t be disciplining crew members, but I question the way João presented everything. He was practically asking to get shite for overstepping, was that the point?
Brooke’s switched focus to Adam, she thinks chefs are sexy! The only chef I thought was sexy ju. Never mind. SWITCHING.
I think Brooke is…Brooke. The deck crew is killing it outside, while Captain Sandy watches closely. Time for guest arrival!
The guests are barely aship when they start asking for tequila shots, the Don Julio 1942 Hannah got isn’t the right Don Julio 1942 and I can’t farking believe these guests were able to tell the difference. Not only that, but they’ve asked for the shots to be chilled, so Hannah has to run upstairs to grab that while the guests complain that they haven’t gotten their boat tour yet.
HONESTLY
The boat tour goes fine, Honey is super excited about a bubble bath! She’s nervous about food, though, and wants to talk to Adam right away. There are some extremely stringent rules about the type of eating she does, givver, Adam.
Hannah calls Kasey over and over to clear champagne glasses, but the seasickness meds are making her suuuuper slow and I guess Brooke is still reading The Great Gatsby because the guests are wandering around wondering why there’s nobody to pour them drinks. To be fair, they keep sending off anyone who is there on wild goose chases, so there’s that.
These guests are so difficult, it has to be on purpose. Hannah seems to be caught off guard all the time, I’ve heard about that stupid alternate Don Julio 1942 several times already!
Adam walks in on the guests shittalking how little food he served them, Chinese chicken salad was okay for an appetizer, but they would like something else. Adam offers pasta but then cooks it all up with shrimp, which means Primary Honey can’t eat it. ALSO, he serves it in big platters, which I find personally offensive. This isn’t Pizza Hut family share pastas, Adam, you were already warned about serving food in a bowl!
Adam scrambles while the deck crew sets up the slide, which Conrad has never done before. It’s also loud AF while the guests are eating.
Another guest wants to talk to Adam about the food, Captain Sandy comes up to support him and his menu. He’s already ordered food for the menu, so he can’t deviate from that too far. She leaves and another guest shows up to ask for more different food, this charter group is like 7 Dean Slovers at once! How could you possibly make any of these people happy?
The guests hit all the water toys, Conrad heads to get the provisions and wooooo other expensive Don Julio 1942! Adam is making all the meals separately, is there not a crew member that can help?
Hannah and Conrad flirt in her bunk, she might go for a nice guy for once!
Brooke and Colin flirt in his room, he’s under the covers but pantless and they’re both adorably clueless.
Adam gets told at 9:05 that dinner has been pushed back to 9:30, now he doesn’t have time to make supper for the crew. Captain Sandy orders pizza!
I don’t understand why anyone eats so LATE.
It’s 9:35 pm and the guests aren’t out of their cabins yet, but the first course is plated.
10:00 pm. Hannah is contemplating romantic roads not taken.
10:45 pm. Adam makes snide comments about Hannah’s ability to manipulate, why isn’t she doing that to the guests now? See, with Adam, he’s always got to blame someone when something goes wrong, and it’s usually Hannah.
These guests are huge arseholes, it’s 11:00 pm and they still haven’t made it into the dining room. Yes, you’re paying for concierge service, but when you ask for 7 different meals served in 5 different courses, you also have to come down for supper to eat all the food you painstakingly ordered in great detail.
We’re oot! Until next time.
