Welcome back to Gigolos, our guilty pleasure right out there in the open! I’ve heard a lot is staged, and I don’t know if it’s true or not, but like wrestling: just ’cause we know what’s gonna happen doesn’t mean they aren’t flying off the top rope, ifyouknowwhatImean. Rolling episode 5!
Woo hoo and we’re starting with A Vin date and everything! I’m happy, even if he’s wearing a stupid mesh shirt! Michelle is a ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher who describes herself as fun and flirty with a bubbly and outgoing personality. She looks pretty young.
She’s hella nervous too, she left the door open and I bet that’s not a GREAT idea in Vegas. I love her teeth! I am transfixed by their gleaming, straight whiteness. She has a zaftig body type, which Vin (and I!) LOVE(s) and truly horrible hair extensions.She’s hiring male companionship because she was cheated on in a terribly thorough way, with a baby as a Welcome Home present, she’s never falling in love again! Of course Vin can’t let that pass, he falls in love all the time! Daily! Hourly! Right now *smouldering look* (okay, that was just me, but that’s where he was going with it) and it’s just so important!
I can’t look at Vin without seeing that sunpatch on his face; be well Gigolo!
Now the secks: kissing, undressing and always starting with the oral for the dude. You know, even if you’re a big fan (and I know someone who for sure is!), these women are PAYING, I would expect a slightly less-traditional byplay. For something different, we have real bewbs, woo hoo! Nothing against foobies, but they move reallllly strangely in HD, very distracting. They’re pierced and I’m trying to figure out how much detail to go into…well, we all know Vin is the Scuba Captain of the Cowboys4Angels Swim Team, ain’t nothing gonna stop him from diving EVER, and today is no exception. She keeps some really uncomfortable-looking wedge shoes on as Vin waxes lyric about breakups in interview.
Seriously, those extensions are TERRIBLE.
Things end in the usual way, and in the infomercial after, Michelle tells us she feels super awesome and 10/10 would do again, that’s a good Yelp score, V
Now we’re on to the “story” part of the show; the boys have gathered at Brace’s house, where he is being hectored by a tiny monkey. Nick is cuddling with the wee monkey, who’s name I haven’t quite caught, but COULD be Mikey; Bradley’s losing his mind. Did Brace buy a monkey on the black market? That’s the first time Wolverine Lords made me laugh! Brace’s got a friend in the entertainment industry, though, so he he’s rented the monkey for a storyline pet-sitting for a bit.
This monkey HATES Brace, who seems drunk again. Brace always seems drunk, and that can be a downfall in the industry, fo shore. He’s just not that good at keeping a straight face “give him a chance! We all deserve a chance!” and I.can’t.even.
Nick Hawk date time! His companion for the evening, or next 90 minutes, is burlesque dancer Megan, also young and a ginge, yay!
Like Michelle, she calls herself fun and bubbly, but she’s also a traveling burlesque dancer, all over the western US, and that’s not the best for relashies. That’s not all that’s different about Megan, she has vulva vestibulitis, which is extreme pain in her nether regions when she tries to have sex. It can happen before, or after, but it’s chronic and will not get better. That has to SUCKKKKKKK as a burlesque dancer, having to stimulate without being able to be stimulated herself??
She deals with it through dance, and I can’t be the only one that thought: that’s just vaginal pain, right? There are other things, right? Maybe not with a hired handypeni, but in general, right? She has a plan, though, she can do bondage, that works for her. That works for Nick, too, he wants to trade! Burlesque dance for her, bondage for her and didn’t she ALREADY trade over a buncha cash?
She puts on some ankle-breaker boots, gotta be 8 inches high in shiny, shiny leather and gives him a really awkward lap dance / burlesque tease? That’s not exactly what I think of, but sure! He ties her up, super tight, please! And then tickles her, which she is NOT into.
Then starts the fun stuff, with actual play and NICK GOES DOWN AGAIN!! I’m telling you, this is TWICE in the whole 6 year run, and both were this season! I was going to say that I could see what women see in him, he has a bit of bashful charm around women he’s attracted to, the looking out from under his artfully arranged bangs, I can see it. But then he went down and I almost forgot all that, it’s a MIRACLE!
It ends well, Megan has a terrific smile and she so appreciated his compassion in not pressing for his needs. That was nice.
Brace is fishing monkey poop and everything else out of his pool, I didn’t even think of it, but yeah, the monkey has little opposing thumb hands and could easily get a knife and hurt somebody. Mikey The Fcuking Terrible is in SO MUCH TROUBLE. Brace watches Mikey paw through his pockets, then head for his fly, hey, he knows women like this!
Ash date! He’s meeting Graphic Designer Renee at her hotel room, she has wild eyes and a high, wandering, piping voice. Very unusual.
She calls herself an artsy vegetarian that loves animals and is helllllla nervous. Not just from Ash, who is super solicitous, but maybe from the camera crew? And the fact that she normally dates women. She’s testing her chemistry with the D. Ash asks if she’s even been attracted to men? She says George Michael, so gay men, right? They laugh. She has an unusual explanation for dating only women, men never asked her out and she didn’t have the nerve, so she just…became a lesbian? Um. She’s never been asked out by a man, ever and that seems to really bother her. Sigh. She was with a partner for 10 years, the last seven of which were sexless and I bet that was brutal. She’s still talking about this person and Ash counsels her to let go, acknowledge that you will be letting go of this person daily, but still do it. With love, but let go. That is actually some fantastic advice, Ash!
She chose Ash because he seemed to be very chivalrous, intellectual, kind, all of that, but she asked for his hair to be pulled back, because she’s dated women with his exact coiffure and ain’t nobody need a trip down memory lane right now. Especially with an outtie. I knew something had to be up, he’s usually flapping that shite around everywhere.
There is remarkably little warmup, straight to the “liberation” and “there we go!” She dug the warm, non-toy aspect of Ash’s manbits and that was it! She felt a rush and after this experience, she thinks she could ask a dude out, yay! It’s helped her self-esteem!
Brace and Mikey have come to an agreement of sorts, he won’t murder Brace in his sleep and Brace will keep the flavoured popcorn coming. Some gross shenanigans ensue with hand feeding from the monkey…I mean. Brace’s friend comes and gets Mikey and we oot! Until next time, keep your monkey shite out of the pool! Yay Vin date! Get that discolouration on your face checked oot!
