Hello! Welcome back to Below Deck Down Under where the marina and crew are shallow, the captain is hot, and the sea is delightfully warm. Rolling into my recap of Below Deck Down Under S1:E03 The Plunger Down Under after the break! Wait that sounds AWFUL.
We’re in the middle of our first crew night out and a fight between bosun Jamie Sayed and deckhand Benny Crawley; it’s getting personal. Benny has sussed that Jamie used to be a police officer and he’s not one of those listen-to-authority types. He’s not your monkey, he won’t dance, Jamie!
But…you’re on a boat and you have a boss and that boss is Jamie, you know that, right, Benny? Like you’re aware that his job is to tell you what to do?
And then he says he IS listening to Jamie and I have to give Bravo producers a slow clap for their editing once again. That “I’m listening” part wasn’t featured at the end of last episode, just Jamie’s frustrated face.
Benny is aware how he needs to be motivated; he needs positive reinforcement and mutual respect. I will say that managers that believe respect only flows in one direction (upward) don’t tend to make great leaders.
Chef Ryan McKeown has been arguing with the not-present chef at the restaurant they’re at about whether the Porterhouse steak someone just had (I don’t even think it was his) was indeed a Porterhouse, he finally asks the server: ‘where’s the filet.” He’s told Porterhouses don’t have filets in Australia but he’s somewhat happy that he made his point anyway, for someone else’s steak he didn’t order or eat.
Okay maybe it was his but still; shut it.
Jamie is paying more attention to third steward Magda Ziomek than Ryan’s steak; he thinks there’s a spark between them. We know Magda has a soul mate back home and a crush on Captain Jason Chambers so I’m not expecting any fires betwixt them any time soon.
Captain Jason paid for dinner, time to get into our first round of bikinis and make some big mistakes in the hot tub!
I mean, they should get in bikinis, not us, but really, I can’t speak for you, do what you like.
I honestly don’t know where to look, everyone is basically naked and putting on a show and:
- Deckhand Culver Bradbury is ridiculously ripped
- Chief steward and personal favourite Aesha Scott and Benny remain fully dressed at the edge of the tub/ledge; they’re just there for the show!
- Second steward Tumi Mhlongo from South Africa is as reserved as I expected. She’s class.
- Magda is essentially wearing a pile of string
- Watching Jamie forlornly mimic smacking Magda’s bum in the air six inches from her actual bum was worth the price of admission
- Jamie and Magda grind for the next hour, standing up in the hot tub and that’s not even what hot tubs are for. They must be half freezing and half sweaty. Tumi does try to dissuade Magda, saying “boyfriend? Nothing?” in her face and that’s a friend, you guys. Tumi is definitely the type of pal who would hold your hair on a late drinky night. It has to be noted that Jamie is still not aware that Magda has a boyfriend.
Magda explains in interview that she just likes to dance and have fun, she’s Latina!
*Magda is Polish and not even a little bit Latina, even though she feels that way, really deep inside
Tumi finally spills the beans to Jamie; ‘Have you not asked? She has a boyfriend!” Jamie thinks that is interesting in the way that I think Apple arbitrarily increasing the prices of things without notice is “interesting.”
He’s out, unhappy. The only two actually single crew members are deckhand Brittini Burton and chef Ryan (hardest of passes). Oh wait, and Tumi and Jamie is being an absolute dick about there not being any girls he’s interested in on the boat.
He says this TO Brittini and Tumi! People can be attracted or not attracted but to act as though someone owes you a sexually attractive person of your choice to work with is…a lot.
He’s just drunk and feeling a bit like a fool after all that flirting with Magda in front of everyone.
I love that Aesha finally has a decent boyfriend, woooooo!
The next morning Culver gets up early and goes for a run, Magda does yoga and Captain Jason does laundry and cleaning up after his crew.
I’m trying to imagine Captain Lee Rosbach from Below Deck doing any of that…I cannot.
I love Brittini and Tumi’s friendship, they can crack each up in seconds. Brittini thinks maybe the reason she took Jamie’s loud rejection of her so poorly is that she hasn’t had sex in a long time. She just got out of a long term relationship (how old is she?? 22? 23?) and is finding her way as herself.
Captain Jason cleans the galley then pulls the general alarm so all crew members muster for a Come to Jeebus Meeting. If someone makes a mess, he expects that they will have the decency to clean up up before they go to bed.
There’s really no time and now I get why Captain Jason is so irritated: charter pickup is in 3 hours and the boat looks like a bunch of drunken yachties had their way with it.
Everyone works hard, well, except Magda, who finds the time to FaceTime her boyfriend.
Jamie, Ryan and Aesha are called to the crew mess, time for our Preference Sheet Meeting! Who’s coming on board? Why our Primary Charter Guests are none other than Randall Waller and Suzie Waller! You may remember him as a rock musician from various acts like Shania Twain, Elton John and Keith Urban, which is a…diverse musical background. That’s what his preference sheet says! He looks like if you ordered Nikki Six off Wish and nobody can pronounce Shania Twain – Shan-EYE-ah.
Wooooo I love it when we get to see the sheet, Primary Suzie is blonde, gorgeous, of a certain age like her hubbie and listed as a successful TV producer oh oh oh wait. IMDb tells me she’s in adult educational films. Oh right! This is the charter with Australia’s 2020 Male and Female Strippers of the Year! So sorry, so sorry, that’s Suze Wallace! My bad!
I’m sorry, I just don’t like the word stripper even though that’s what’s written on the sheet, I think it’s used in a derogatory fashion usually, so I will say dancer because that’s what it is, folks!
Back home the vernacular is “peeler” but I don’t think anyone’s ready for that.
Dana Rosiak – aka Tamara Rose is Australia’s Female Exotic Dancer of the Year 2020, Darren van Heuman (I think that was his name? Blurry!) is the Male Exotic Dancer of the Year. Congrats, guys! She’s a gorgeous brunette and he looks like what Richie Sambora used to look like, but with more baby oil.
Jennifer Roberts is another (blonde) guest
Okay! Randall and Suze are celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary and we’re going to have a sexy pirate theme dinner night two. Aesha is disappointed; what five star restaurant has a pirate-themed dinner?
Chef Ryan is gross.
The chef thinks this will be down and dirty, even eaten in a strip club? The preference sheet says lots of curries and Vietnamese food, guess that will be burgers and ribs again! Throw in some chicken wings and really class it up, why don’t you?
A cleaning montage later; we’re dropping anchor in Pioneer Bay waiting for guest arrival. The whole deck crew watches Benny very dramatically hook up the tender for lifting and storage; I mean. I see why Bravo cast him I just think he could be very draining in person. Aesha and Ryan talk about the upcoming charter in the galley; she’s trying very hard to keep communication flowing but finds him mystifying. “It’s very hard to be friends with a c***.”
Guests are heyah!! Benny isn’t ready, Captain Jason grows increasingly angry. He arrives seconds before the guests, who watch him join the others; who else was lagging there?
Wow, Primary Suzie Waller looks 1000% better in person, she’s smokin hot. Ryan is visibly excited about all the silicone on this boat right now.
Darren’s stuffing fruit down his pants already, I feel like this is going to be a very pixelated episode. Twerking and random splits slow the boat tour; you guys! Look around you! You can hump the furniture later, enjoy the luxury someone’s paid a lot for!
Darren humps the master bed while Dana takes on the ottoman, I mean, come on guys! Guest Jen pulls up her short dress to expose her whole arse for no reason to cheers.
Can you imagine needing that much attention to exist? That looks EXHAUSTING to be around.
Brittini volunteers to flake the anchor chain; unlike Benny who shouted on about how dangerous the job is, she wants to show her boss that she’s a badass b***h. Jamie high-fives her after while Ben pouts in the corner.
I mean, he’s still pouting on the corner of a yacht in the middle of the ocean, so.
I can’t take my eyes off these guests for a second, they’re all shenanigans all the time! Darren feeds himself grapes in the most uncomfortable way possible while Dana, on her knees, tries to get into Jen’s dress from the bottom.
Captain Jason is trying to teach Benny a lesson by sending him on deck in the middle of a bunch of unruly waves; I don’t know if that is the best way to motivate Ben. See above: the key to Ben lies in positive reinforcement rather than negative. A good manager learns to motivate allllll of his people, not just the ones who respond to his preferred management style.
Ryan had a problem with Aesha not ‘telling’ the guests on their six-figure vacation to come to the table for lunch; he’s found a workaround in grilling kebabs in front of them on deck so he can himself tell these guests to be seated for his gdamn kebabs.
That meat wasn’t marinated; I don’t see any spice, this is going to be…well, I hope the guests are drunk enough to not notice bland and completely not on their preference sheets.
They’re drunk and hungry, the food is plentiful, Ryan gets another pass!
Captain Jason is disconcertingly hands-on; he leads the entire deck crew in loading the tender and then in getting the water toys out. Bosun Jamie and I are confused; isn’t that literally Jamie’s job? Why is the Captain checking the air pressure on paddle boards?
Jamie’s background means he will take instructions and follow rules.
Dana and Jen practice various sexual positions on deck then catcall the crew members setting up floaties on the swim platform. They detail descriptions of their genitalia, Culver looks uncomfortable and Benny sings out ‘Omigod it’s CHRISTMAS!”
Captain Jason tells Benny to chill; what’s Captain Jason doing there anyway? He lets the interior crew know they can come outside on the boat trip if they like, Magda jumps at the chance.
That’s…bizarre. Since when have crew members been able to come swim with guests??? You just know Magda is going to wear something completely inappropriate and she does.
Do you think she’s auditioning for this group?
Captain Jason sends word that Magda is to wear a work shirt over her string bikini. When she arrives back on the superyacht Captain Jason hands her a towel and tells her to cover her bum.
Awww Culver FaceTimes with his whole family, it’s so lovely, I will now remember him. I love kiddos that love their moms!
Captain Jason is still on the deck cleaning things; he sprays Benny who complains about getting hypothermia while Captain Jason smirks and I don’t understand how this captain works at ALL.
Magda gets some concerning texts from her boyfriend, he’s going out tonight but will not be twerking. I mean. Magda was twerking, so that’s okay, right?
Ryahimn makes pizza for crew supper; he learned that from his dad and being in the kitchen is how he honours him.
Primary Randall and Suzie are having a vow renewal, not just a celebration their anniversary so Captain Jason will be officiating. He’s feeling shy about it; do you think that’s why he insists on being so hands-on? He feels more comfortable doing work than being in charge? He got married at 20 himself, wow, that’s super early!
Captain Jason is single, but he doesn’t want to get married because rings cost a lot of money. Okay!
Ryan has once again plated food without notification that any guests are at the table.
Tumi is intrigued by Ryan’s grossness; she was raised to be very prim and proper so someone so unburdened by the politeness requirements of the social contract is interesting to her. But she’s working on not being intrigued by broken men, yay!
The vow renewal is lovely given how quickly the crew put it together; Primary Randall and Primary Suzie love it. It makes Magda want to call her boyfriend and makes Culver text his mom, because he wants a girl just like her.
Oy.
Magda is now pushing her boyfriend to marry her via text then videochat; Aesha reminds her to go to bed at her regular time because there’s a lot of work coming up the next day.
The guests get into the hot tub in the creepiest way possible; Darren keeps his beanie on.
Benny is woken up by his toilet flooding, he takes this as a sign he needs to quit right now at 1:15 am.
Okay.
Until next time, everyone! Cheers!
