Below Deck Down Under S1:E13 99 Problems and Thalassa Ain’t One Recap

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Welcome back to Below Deck Down Under starring a frustrated model, a tablescaper, a line cook masquerading as a chef and one grumpy Captain. Rolling into my Below Deck Down Under S1:E13 99 Problems and Thalassa Ain’t One recap after the break!

I’ll tell you what the problems are on Below Deck Down Under! Maybe they’re not Thalassa but they are:

  • Third steward Magda Ziomek‘s explosive relationship with her far-away love
  • Magda’s inability to manage her time
  • Chief Steward Aesha Scott’s inability to manage Magda effectively
  • Chef Ryan McKeown’s sheer laziness
  • Ryan’s shitty attitude
  • Deckhand Ben Crawley’s inability to take any criticism of any kind
  • Bosun Jamie Sayed’s inability to give Benny feedback effectively
  • Jamie’s general inability to manage his crew effectively

And so many more!!

Captain Jason Chambers has been interviewing the entire deck team about the dynamic between Benny and Jamie; he called Ben in for a chat at the end of last episode and now we’re finally going to find out what’s popping!

So Captain Jason isn’t firing Benny, but he’s receiving a formal verbal reprimand and he has one more charter to prove he can work better. Jamie takes this decision personally, Captain Jason doesn’t have his back! To be fair to Jamie, he did issue Captain Jason an ultimatum: Ben or him, so maybe he doesn’t like the taste of that back in his face.

Benny’s not worked for a hierarchical organization like this before, but he tells deckhand Brittini Burton he’s going to do his best to improve. He doesn’t want to miss this opportunity.

It’s almost time for the next charter, but you wouldn’t know it in the laundry room where Magda is furiously texting her boyfriend about why he’s hanging out with her best friend.

I just have to say: if you have that little trust in your best friend AND your boyfriend: long distance relationships may not be for you.

Aesha and lovely second steward Tumi Mhlongo are working in guest cabins when Aesha calls Magda, who doesn’t hear because she’s on the phone.

Slow clap to Peacock for showing Magda doing the same during interview, not listening and fixated on texting on her phone.

She makes it below deck to work with Tumi on beds and by that I mean she complains about her relationship while Tumi makes beds.

Woooo team night out tonight! Magda starts off by texting her boyfriend that she’s going out and ‘I look so hot’ even though that particular tactic has never worked in the history of time, not once.

Aesha decides to play a joke on Jamie; he’s quite sensitive to being called a ‘b*tch’ as she and Brittini have already done; so she directs Magda to call him a b*tch next.

I mean.

He very politely asked them not to do that.

Jamie is furious when Magda calls him a bword, he almost leaves but instead stands around calling Aesha and Britiini b*tches.

This is the stupidest argument ever. Why be unnecessarily hurtful to someone you work with? And sleep three feet away from?

Deckhand Culver Bradbury and Britinni have kiiiind of been flirting? Sort of? The whole crew wants them to bang but they’ve not obliged just yet. We get a little closer as he shares his signature move with girls with her: he invites them to the Bradbury Compound.

For real he says that and for real there is actually a Bradbury compound! Of course there is, he’s 100% brawn Americana.

You can’t not like Culver, though, he’s sweet and square-jawed and willing to fake any accent for entertainment at any time. He has a mullet COLLECTION.

Tumi and Magda chat, Tumi is trying to help Magda be better in her job and focus on what she’s doing but Magda is crystal clear that she doesn’t care at all about her job, she’s all in on her relationship right now so eff Thalassa and eff them too.

She doesn’t say that EXACTLY but that’s why she means!

So it’s just a bad night all around. It’s a quiet goodnight followed by a quiet morning.

Ben gets up early and hits the deck, he’s turning over a new leaf!

Magda wakes up in a panic, she can’t find her phone. She’s in tears within minutes, completely melting down with not being able to contact Maciek.

It looks extreme, but I’ve felt that surge of anxiety when I put my hand in my purse and don’t immediately feel that reassuring weight.

I’m working on it! It’s turned off right now!

Not working on it is Magda, her phone must be in her bed, we saw her using it when she went to sleep.

Eventually she finds it and immediately texts Maciek that she didn’t cheat on him but she’s still mad at him.

7 hours to charter, let’s turn this boat over!

Woooo and it’s time for the Batshit Preference Sheet meeting the precedes guest arrival yay! Who’s coming on board?? Our Primary Charter Guest is Sharleen Crooks, wait, she and her friends are only coming for one night?? That’s a lot to pack into one day.

We’ve got weird food instructions: a Mexican-themed dinner and an English High Tea…when? When they show up? And there was something else weird in there. A! A chocolate fountain! Chef Ryan thinks this means they’re fake money and have no class but I think he’s probably not the best bullshit judge ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo.

Right after the meeting, Jamie tattle-tales on Brittini and Aesha for calling him b*tch and I dunno, man. Captain Jason is similarly mystified.

Captain Jason talks to Aesha first, then Brittini, who calls that a bitchy-bitch move. She’s not wrong.Brittini cries on Aesha’s shoulder, it’s so ridiculous that last night went so far. They agree that Jamie is totally being a b*tch.

I get that Aesha was just joking around, but nobody wants to be the joke, do they?

3 minutes before guest arrival Captain Jason finds Magda texting her boyfriend in the laundry room, she’s just not listening.

Guests are heyah! The guests are quite young, Primary Sharleen is a gorgeous brunette followed by like 8 stubbled boys in sunglasses. I couldn’t tell them apart if you paid me. They’re all British except one American named Eleni. There is a Luke, a Timothy, Nicholas and some other random stubbled white dudes.

Lychee martinis for everyone wooooo! One of the women throws hers all over herself, whole thing, full stop. I bet that is sticky and cold.

Aesha takes a break, leaving Tumi in charge and to deal with Magda’s completely distracted assistance. It takes something like ten minutes to make three strawberry daiquiris for three dudes in the hot tub. That’s ridic.

Tumi’s not impressed with Ryan, either, he got this cheap little fondue fountain from the provisioner but her idea of a deconstructed fondue dessert is much better than throwing that little plastic thing on the bar to the side. Ryan’s being really negative toward the guests again, Tumi and I are not impressed. I guess he was just being good for the Captain last charter.


Ben’s working his butt off cleaning the hot tub that the boys got super gross; Jamie sees it and doesn’t say anything but he has to have noticed Ben’s much improved attitude.

Supper is…uneven. We’ve got a pretty basic avocado and tomato salad to start (with Danish Feta cheese instead of a Mexican cheese? Why?) followed by tacos, one of which is so hot nobody can breathe after trying it. The fish taco compensated by having no flavour at all. So, yeah. Horrible meal and the guests look as unhappy as they sound.

This is followed by waiting forever for a chocolate fountain that needs to be plugged in. Aesha told Ryan to make sure there was an extension cord or something to plug it in but here we are. It takes another hour to get an electrical connection, the guests are now visibly angry but the chocolate calms them somewhat.

Brittini and Culver chat on deck about their upcoming van trip together, aw, she’s starting to feel a crush on him and that’s terrible and mortifying and could be exhilarating but that’s not how that works in life or reality TV.

The guests, staying for only one night, had such a terrible experience at dinner that they’re in bed by midnight. That’s sad, they’re so young! Magda finally gets a call from her boyfriend around 12:30 am and spends the next 45 minutes speaking to him in the bathroom while Aesha tries to sleep.

Ben is up early the next morning cleaning like a maniac, Aesha reprimands Magda for leaving the cabin late, at 6:04. Magda argues it was 6:02 and I honestly don’t even know why you would mention anything under 10 minutes?

Captain Jason wants to revitalise the guest experience so takes the guests snorkeling himself, I hope maybe he helps with the High Tea too because you know Ryan’s gonna mess that up.

Wow, it’s like I can see the future! Of course Ryan doesn’t make an actual high tea, he just put crap food on three tiers and called it done. I’ve never heard the guests sat they want to get home and eat food that doesn’t suck before.

Guess what? Captain Jason has a backup chef and a backup stew ready to come at any time! He leaves the stew up to Aesha, who asks Tumi her opinion.

Magda texts furiously.

She may even appreciate being fired so she can go fight in person with Maciek.

Of course the guests mention the crap high tea and crap food in their goodbye speech, they were much nicer than I would have been had I spent almost five figures for one night on a superyacht.

Hahahaha just kidding, I would never do that.

Tip Meeting! It is $20,815 AUD, which is $16,011 USD, working out to $1,333 each for one night’s work. Jaysus. You can see why thy get into this racket, yes?

Captain Jason pulls Aesha aside after the meeting; what’s her decision? She would like to replace Magda with someone experienced, thank you.

Magda texts.

She is called up to the Bridge, which everyone hears, Jamie snots that ‘don’t worry, nobody gets fired on this boat’ and then we’re with Magda and Captain Jason and he is definitely firing her.

You know that scene in Finding Nemo when a large amount of ugly fish are gathered up into a net and it’s chaos and nobody knows what to do, everyone is scared and swimming in different directions? That’s the crew right now with Magda being fired; just as Ryan wonders aloud if they’ll bring in ‘another dime for us to fight over’, Captain Jason walks in to talk to him. And with that, we’re out!

Until next time! When Ryan absolutely gets his arse handed to him, 100 percent.