You guys! YOU GUYS!! Below Deck is back!! This is a spin-off show from Below Deck, which I recapped last season on the Bookie Wook. You can start reading THOSE here: Below Deck S3:E1 More Foam Bosun Recap. The crossover crew member is Ben, the flirty cook what like to wreck throw pillows. We roll into the Mediterranean!

Let’s meet our new crew members! First up is Captain Mark (I always wonder if no last names means “captain”, like “doctor” or “uncle”), who looks appropriately stern and non-nonsense. Fingers crossed for an awesome schtick like Captain Lee’s old-timey-isms! Ben thinks highly of him, anyway

 

Bosun Bryan is young and perky, looking for YesMen deckhands, please!

Chief Stew Hannah is the most important person aboard, just ask her! On “chattah” it’s perfect or it’s nothing, but off “chattah”  it’s all booty-shaking shenanigans

 

Deckhand Bobby is appropriately muscled, tall and cocky, reminding me of Kelley Johnson lo those many moons ago. 6’5″ of pure attitude, yaaaaayyy. He calls himself a nerd, much like Olivia Munn and Dax Exclamation Point do: cuz they think it makes them sound deep and multilayered. Pack it up, ain’t nobody buying today, Deckhand Bobby.

 

3rd Stew Tiffany is also a secret nerd, but like, for reals, she’s a scientist. She has amazingly stunning teeth and has already mentioned ejaculate, so I’m guessing she’s our Connie this year; inappropriately sexualized comments out of the blue: soooo edgy.

 

Danny the Other Deckhand is really cute, he remind me of Derek from Real World Cancun (don’t judge), see?

He just wants to have fun! He worked on Marc Anthony’s boat! He’s probably a lot of laughs but not too intellectually burdened, ifyouknowwhatImean and Ibetyoudo

Julia is the 2nd Stew and she’s ADORABLE. She’s English and managed to work p*ssy into her second sentence, so sure! She’s not the least bit reserved.

 

Jen is our third deckhand, following in the footsteps of Connie from last season and Jennice from S2, she wants the tough jobs! She’s the most experienced.

 

Chef Ben is our official link between this show and Below Deck OG; he dated Kate briefly and messed with Kat even more briefly, did you read that Kate Chastain is dating a lady now? Goodon’er. He’s still adorable and spiky-haired.

And we’re starting!! Woo hoo! We’re in Naxon, Greece, which captions tell me is in the Cyclades Islands. It looks PURTY!! Ben’s first aboard to meet the captain, he’s very excited to be back in the Mediterranean, having trained in Italy, which is just like Greece, where they are! They’re completely different, actually, and I can explain it in one joke I used to tell everyone! In a car, you’re Riding Italian when all the chicks are in the back, and you’re Riding Grecian when all the men are in the rear.

Chief Stew Hannah is next and the boat is GORGEOUS!! We get to see a little bit while she’s wandering in; taking her shoes off before entering: STRONGLY APPROVE. She’s been in the Med for 5 years and though she’s come from the south of France, she only speaks “une petite peu” of Franglais. Awww, Ben’s excited anyway, she pretty and I’ve never heard anyone’s voice go up AND down four octaves in one sentence before. Well, except for when puberty hits.

Hannah goes in to meet the captain and get the bad news: they’ve gotta set up the boat PDQ because they’re picking up the guests the following day. That’s UNHEARD of, she says and that’s the first time I’ve ever seen anyone actually wring their hands. She says they usually get a month and WHUT? A month. A month to provision? Whut?

Side note: I’m not gonna pick, but I’m worried that something terrible has happened to Captain Mark’s face: it’s all melty and freck-ly and I think he’s drawn on the eyebrows himself and there may be a perma-booger situation and it seems like one of those things that should only be seen by candlelight. Through a spyhole.

Hannah is freaking out while checking out the rest of the boat, and everyone else arrives. Bryan and Ben are bunking together and yakking about all their experience while Hannah shit-talks the “hideous” boat. I mean. “You gotta work with what you got.” You poor thing, however will you be able to take care of a bunch of pretentious aholes in amongst all that disgusting gleaming wood and crystal?

Okay, it does have a LOT of brass and gold-leaf, plus vomiting swans, so I’ll give them their gaudy Liberache references. Julia is speechless! And still talking. It’s like people don’t know words have meanings any more. Literally. Says the one that just made up the word perma-booger.

Oh wow, NONE of this crew knows each other, how will they ever be ready for the next day? I mean that sans snark. How will the captain even be able to tell anyone how to prepare the ship? Let alone all the pretty stuff.

Now here’s our explanation; there is already a Greek-speaking bosun on board. Bryan is the Pretty TV Friendly one, I gather, although that’s not exactly how Captain Mark phrases it. Oh but wait, he won’t be bosun, like Our Eddie of the Wandering Penis from Below Deck OG, he’s been bumped to 1st Mate, which sounds like a promotion. He looks forward to the challenge; losing isn’t an option and I hate it when people say that, it’s as though they don’t understand how the zero-sum mentality works.

Tiffany shows up after everyone else, but no! Danny is last and is immediately nervous about the size of the boat. He’s only been in the business 6 months ooohhhhhhh. Hannah’s scoping out Bobby, she must be tall because he doesn’t tower over her or anything. He’s a good two heads above Danny, though. Oh man. Bobby used to be a firefighter in Florida and I don’t know if it’s the whole massive terrifying fire up north that’s making me flood my basement re: those uniforms, but any way you slice it: wow.

The uniforms finally show up 20 hours before the guests arrive, and we learn the final crew sleeping arrangements. Jen and Tiffany will be sharing a room, as will Julia and Hannah. Meeting time!

There are three additional Greek seamen (me and Julia snicker, cuz we’re 12) to be introduced, hello non-camera-friendly seamen! *snicker* Captain Mark really wants to stress how important communication is… by babbling incoherently while Julia and I snicker some more. Me and Julia are kinda aholes. Ben calls Mark a little odd, but he doesn’t wanna be rude about it!

Provisions have arrived! So! Much! Food! The whole team jumps in to help. Man, the outside of the boat is BEAUTIFUL! It’s the Ionian Princess and it’s got Renaissance-era pictures everywhere, Julia can’t believe they’re on the walls: “all I see is dick!!” There does seem to be an overabundance of peni represented. Well. It is Greece.

Deckhands / bosun meeting! Jen is definitely the most experienced and her insane bawdy-awddy-awddy must be referenced immediately. Bryan tells the deckhands they must just jump when he says jump, none of that “how high?” nonsense, just get after it! Danny with The Big White Teeth agrees!

Hannah is calling a Stew meeting at the same time to find out what she’s working with. Julia just came off three seasons back to back, she’s good to go. Marine Biologist Tiffany is “not super detail oriented”; Julia and I roll our eyes AT THE SAME TIME!! You can’t not be detail oriented in this kind of job! She’d rather be on deck. Hannah doesn’t look worried, but she interviews that she has no idea why someone would accept a job they’re not interested in doing properly. She lays out the rules; 8 hours of sleep a night, no attitude and washes the towels in 90 degrees. What?? Who explains what temperature or angle they wash linens in? Maybe I’m not detail-oriented either, then, but Julia likes it, she feels like she’s in good hands.

17 hours before guests! Jen and the deckhands are in to help; Jen off to dust / vacuum the guest suites. Jen says that’s not normally her bag, but since Hannah’s so cute… do we have a lady lover here? Woot!

Oh man, Ben has a walk-in fridge on a YACHT! I want a walk-in fridge! I have a whole house to put it in!

Jen from New York and Julia from Leeds are visiting while dusting, oooh, Julia has her own fashion label, and yeah, no money from that. Do it for the art, Julia! Like recapping while your children sleep: the ART! They’ve got nicknames for the other crew members already; Big Bobby (Clobber! Thank you CBC) and Pocket Rocket Daniel. Oh no no no says Jen, in American that’s a v*brator for girls! Wait. There are vibrators for NOT girls? I don’t mean to show my ignorance, I just didn’t realise we had separated the buzzythings along gender lines. What pocketrocket really means is a SMALL v*be, something that can be carried in a pocket, or purse, or gym bag, I’m just saying it’s tiny like Danny!

Julia has a boyfriend back home, has for two years and isn’t interested in any of the boys, not her type. Now I wanna know what her type is! Emo Goth? Hipster EmuBeard? The mind boggles. Maybe incredibly smart and huggable? I hear that’s a great type. And yes! Woo hoo! Jen is indeed playing strictly for the girl’s team! She also has a crush on Hannah already, describing Hannah interview as looking like Jennifer Lawrence with bigger boobs and a bigger bum. Um. Thanks?

Okay, it’s not a walk-in fridge, I can pet my green-eyed monster down. Flower arranging and stew-stuff, pfft, BRING ON THE GUESTS! Hannah was a high school drop out, so she’s got a lot to prove, and she’s even putting my not-really-OCD-arse to shame. Wiping down an entire 50 metre (150 foot in Murican!) boat with alcohol wipes in less than 17 hours sounds impossible.

Meeting with the captain about the primary charter guests, yay! We’re getting closer! It’s Bryan, Hannah and Ben going over the particulars of Christine Bullock, who does NOT look like a real person, Ben, I’m with you, wow. It’s her, her husband and two other couples; she just launched a skincare line (WHERE’S MAH CHEQUE??) and her preferences are everyone’s preferences in the Cult of Christine Bullock. They’re very health conscious, so we’ll see if Ben can handle that. The only really weird thing so far is that they want a special dessert that incorporates the ingredients from her skincare line and that just means the natural stuff, right? Like strawberries and shite?

The guests are big Steelers fans (my uncle has two dogs: Jerome and Bettis, so I bet this part makes perfect sense to him) and want a 3 hour football party at 3 am. Yerk. Hannah figures that will be no problem, if she can find 10 hookahs for other bosses, streaming a game is a piece of sulphate pie. Did she just admit to pandering? Someone get Legal on the horn.

Ben is drinking 12 hours before guests, hanging with Hannah in the kitchen, who is already talking shite about Tiffany. It’s been 8 hours! Ease into it!

4 hours to guests! Getting ready montage, everything looks ready! I don’t understand how crappy the crew looks, though, they look sloppy and everyone has glasses in their hair. WHUT?

And we have guests, yay! Primary guest Christine Bullock (have I said that full name enough? I’ll just go round to the mailbox and see if mah cheque is there yet) looks as unreal as her pictures, and oh, thank goodness, she has a baby voice, too. Whew. Also daisy Dukes and half a shirt, thank goodness. I was worried she wouldn’t conform to stereotype!

Boat tour time! It has so much mahogany! All gleamy and marble and dat baby voice.

Bryan thinks working with a woman will be challenging, he won’t be able to swear in front of Jen or punch arms and COME ON. I’m pretty sure she swears and punches arms and probably does it while scoping your girlfriend, Bryan. Welcome to 2016. Later, SHE’s the one that gets the anchor to go down, NOT the boys and it’s actually a really fun moment. Bonding!

Tiffany is our Rocky / Raquel this season, ironing everything and stuck in the laundry. Jen comes in and offers to help, and she comes on to Tiffany a little too, hahaha. I like this Jen, she doesn’t mess around, straight to it. She shouldn’t be in there so much is all, shouldn’t she be out on deck?

The boys are on deck talking about the fantastic girl situation on the boat; Julia is a unicorn, being brunette with blue eyes, “that’s a hard find” drools Big Bobby. And her accent! Bobby is coming off a bad breakup from a three year relationship and just when I’m all relaxed, Bryan makes a remark about working on past boats “with some heifers…” awww, you mean people you worked with that were there doing their jobs weren’t sexually attractive to you? I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Do you need a fuckrightoff and a glass of water?

Oh man. Ben’s come up top to meet with Primary Christine, who is wearing the smallest bikini bottom I’ve ever seen, it’s ALL out there. It’s super cute and I’m sure Renoblondee would say something about how fit the woman looks, but I still have a hard dying, drunk-baby-voice hateon. Plus, Reno’s nicer than me.

Ben’s nervous AF, these are the definition of high maintenance guests and plus, we’re worried we’re ’bout to see her halo any second, but she assures him that she will eat whatever he feeds her! Fresh, seasonal, no problem! I.just.bet

They’ve anchored at Paros, Greece in the Cylades Islands, lots of boys jumping off the sides while Primary Christine goes through a series of incredibly impressive calisthenics while the deckhands watch, mouths agape. This woman is crazy fit!

One boat over, a much less fit gentleman in his looks-to-be late 60s is going snorkeling, hey, tan that bum if you’re going to be waving it around, he almost blinded us! Waverider fun, guest shenanigans, signature blueberry, basil and vodka cocktails, yum!

Hannah’s just now starting to look for the football game, she thought this would be the easy part, maybe go round up that buncha hookahs again, I think you’ll have better luck.

Bobby and the gang have time to sit around and play with their shorts. I have seen what Big Bobby is working with, I repeat, I have seen the shadow of the behemoth. Shouldn’t they be wiping down the interior with alcohol wipes? In fact, how did Hannah have an hour to sit and look at the TV guide?

Bob, the other Primary Charter Guest is mad AF that Hannah can’t find a way to stream the football game and dude, all I gotta say is that you are in the Mediterranean surrounded by the best your money will buy and you wanna bust some poor Stew’s balls over a football game while you’re in Paradise?

We all know what this means: no game, no good tip

Ben is explaining the menu to Hannah, he’s starting with Saganaki, oooooooh, I love Saganaki! She asks what it is and Ben explains; it’s a Greek cheese battered, fried and cooked with a flambe at very high heat. And he hasn’t done it before. Whuuuut??? This is not when you practice! I sure hope he’s got some of Chef Leon’s Beef Cheeks simmering away in the crockpot. Heeey, upping the ante is the fact that flambe is usually done tableside, that’s AWESOME for a dish a chef has never cooked before!

The main dish is Moussaka, very Greek, very gross, sorry, hate lamb, but I make a great slightly different dish with turkey, called Patitsio.

Now all the deckhands are working on the football streaming problem, I’m hoping Hannah’s sufficiently managed the guest expectations.

Bryan is training Big Bobby on working on the boats, Jen is frustrated because she has more experience, but it isn’t being taken into account, which she feels is sexist. Given Bryan’s interview about not knowing how to work with women, I’d say she’s right.

Dinner time! I love that the guests always dress for dinner, but where is Hannah with the bevvies?? Guests should never have empty glasses, Hannah! Kate would CUT her staff before she allowed that lapse. Hannah is annoyed because Ben is too busy flirting with Tiffany and Julia to get her radio calls that the guests are all seated, she bursts in to tell them to get it together. Ben gets on it while Tiffany gets sent to do the guest cabins. You know what would suck? Having a degree in Marine Biology and instead wiping down mirrors and hanging towels.

Ben manages to get the flambe done properly (the second time) service, please! Everyone really likes it, but you know who isn’t happy? Tiffany. Cleaning toilets is just not her bag. Did someone force her into this job? I’m confused.

Bryan is taking the late morning shift, asking Jen and Danny to get up two hours earlier at 6 am. He appears to direct every request strictly to Danny of the six months experience, while Jen watches. Man. Also, brand new Danny says he doesn’t need the list, he’s got it all in his head as Jen and I stare in disbelief.

Ben’s frying the eggplant and Hannah, honestly. She isn’t introducing the meals properly, calling the lamb beef and forgetting everything else about the dish. She’s Chief Stew! Not like 3rd Stew Tiffany who just takes herself off to bed at 10pm.

The Moussaka all comes back almost untouched, and yeah, it’s a heavy, greasy dish. Nothing like what they wanted. Ben is mad like me, she gave absolutely shit descriptions of both dishes, that was ridic. The charter guests are NOT happy, but Ben has a plan to make amends, that’s the best thing about yachting!

On to dessert! Ben isn’t taking chances with Hannah fcuking up his food explanations, so he runs up ahead of her to explain his Green Tea Panacotta with Coconut Caramel and Coffee Ice-Cream. They love it!

The next morning, Danny is up at 6 as he was directed, Jen is still sleeping. The guests want fancy coffee and Tiffany complains about being stuck in the laundry room and not knowing where anything is. TIFF! Don’t do that! Bad service! THINK ONLY ABOUT THE TIP!!

Danny is doing a great job, working away on deck and doing all the stuff that Jen SHOULD be helping with, when she finally drags her bum out on deck at 6:40. They only have 80 minutes until Bryan gets up and she asks if Danny’s gonna tell on her? He won’t bring it up, but he doesn’t want to lie either. She guarantees Bryan won’t ask because everything will be done and how’s she going to assure that when she just wasted another of their precious five minutes on this shite?

Oop, well, Bryan is there NOW, over an hour before expected, what’s been done? Awkward…

Hannah’s got a new plan plan, she’s going to town to see if she can throw money at a bar to stream the football game for her at 3 am. Apparently Bob et. al haven’t missed a game in years and maybe it has more to do with some kind of Fan Prize: I went to the Mediterranean and even in the middle of the ocean, I watched a Steelers game!

Ben’s making breakfast, which I think I remember he hates doing. I love making breakfast! He’s made a frittata, and the guests dub it worth the wait.

Hannah’s off to town with the guests, Julia is concerned about how stressed she appears to be. She learned her iron poise from doing gymnastics (acrobatics she said, but that’s what she means, right? She’s not a Flying Wallenda or anything? Or praise be to Jeebus, not another diver like Rocky / Raquel?).

Bryan actually DOES ask Danny if both he and Jen were up on deck at 6 am; putting him squarely on the spot, but he really doesn’t want to answer. Bryan asks Jen instead, who TOTALLY LIES and says she was “just a few minutes after. Like five or ten” or 40, Jen! Bryan is pissed. Jen is pissed Danny wouldn’t lie for her, iinterviewing that she can’t believe Danny has morals and doesn’t like to lie, how does he get through life? I think we just figured out how Jen gets through life.

The guests are going for lunch while Hannah is checking every single public building in town; Bob’s never missed a Steelers game and we all know: the guests watch a game or there will be almost no tip.

And that’s it! We’re oot! We get to find out next episode if the ill-fated Steelers game came aboot or if Jen can learn to respect Bryan’s command, as well as if Tiffany can learn to understand the basics of customer service; i.e. not bitching to a guest that you can’t make them a mocha because you were stuck ironing their ginch all day. I mean

Until next time, huntys, deuces!