Below Deck Mediterranean S2:E3 Chefs, Lies and Face Time Recap

Hi everyone, we get new guests tonight on Below Deck Mediterranean: who's excited??? ME TOO! Rolling after the break

We're still with deckhand Bobby Giancola freaking out on chief stew Hannah Ferrier for "cockblocking" him with deckhand Malia White, who is busy saying that they weren't even TALKING about him. He doesn't believe it, but I do: yeah there was a little review of the Bobby-Trying-To-Help-Malia-While-Naked sitch but mostly those two girls were flirting with each other. You weren't even in the picture, bro.

Bobby goes to bed while Hannah goes to cry in her bathroom and Malia..wanders off? The next morning everyone looks all perky. Ish. Malia hopes Hannah understands that she was just playing around.


Hannah chalks it up to being drunk and having fun


Um, Bobby, seriously, you need to chillax. He's working himself up into a lather retelling the story to deckhand Max Hagley, starting with the assertion that Hannah's not even gonna remember what she said about him because she was what? In a blackout? She was not in a blackout, FunBobs and if she doesn't remember trashing you, it's because she DIDN'T. He brings up Hannah talking to third stew Lauren Cohen when he was dating her in New York; did he even talk to Hannah about that? Does he even know for sure that Hannah said anything to Lauren? Also: two women does not make something ALL THE TIME.

God I feel like I'm running herd on middle schoolers: just ASK HANNAH. And then stop shouting long enough to hear her answer

We get the story from Lauren then; the night they all met up at the club, Bobby had invited Lauren out on a date. And then invited two more women on this date. They all ended up at the club and Hannah spoke her mind.

I think I've figured out the problem, Bobby!! You take three women out at the same time; that only works if you're paying them by the hour, ahole.

Pre-Charter meeting in the mess! The guests are from Mr.Skin, purveyor of all celebrity nude photos and they're there to celebrate the anniversary of (NOT LINKING) by filming a Naked News segment. The Primaries are Jim McBride and his wife Michelle; other guests include Lucas Tyler, Whitney St. John and Andrea A Lowell, who only eats raw food, which Chef Adam Glick knows from nothing.

Adam sources raw food while Bobby approaches Lauren in her bunk; he's planning to confront Hannah and he wants Lauren to back him up. Um. Hannah is Lauren's BOSS and Bobby has barely spoken to Lauren at all since they stopped dating, exactly why is she going to do that? She declines, she does not want to be in the middle of their stoopid fight.

Annnnd it's go time; Bobby finds Hannah smoking on the top deck (is it weird that I worried about where the cigarette butt went when she threw it overboard?) and braces her about her behaviour the previous evening. She denies talking shit about him AND throwing him under the bus with Lauren, so he whips out his radio smugly and calls for Lauren to come meet them.

I can't decide if it's sadder that they're wasting so much time on something so stupid or that I'm spending so much time writing about it.


Lauren swears she doesn't remember what was said in New York, why can't they just leave it in New York? She refuses to back Bobby up, which she told him before he called her, and then leaves to him shouting "WHY DON'T YOU GO F*CK BEN??!!" which I think is ALWAYS a good idea! Do that!

And now we have the full story; Lauren and Bobby were on a date at a party (did Bobby have his two backups?) and she left with Ben. That's terrible date etiquette, Lauren, but if you're gonna groupie for Below Deck, that is exactly the right way to do it. Ben is MUCH more fun than SoNotFunBobs.

Hannah can see exactly what the problem is now; ol' player Bobby got played by Lauren and none of his anger has anything to do with her.

Lauren videochats with Ben! Hey Chef Ben Robinson! And makes him say he misses her, hahahaha that was hilarious. Don't even try to tie this dude down, ladies, Ben has one foot out the door, always. I wonder how Emily is? I never bought that.

Aww, and now Bobby is crying on the phone to his mom and I feel bad for him. His feelings are all so close to the surface, you can't say anything to him. He's the guy that brought two backup women on a date and he STILL sees himself as a victim. Aww but then his mom explains; Bobby's still having a hard time getting over his ex Alex, whose mom didn't think he was good enough for her daughter because he didn't have money. He cries and we all got a bit choked up, didn't we? I'm sorry, Bobby, relationships and interpersonal communication is tough and sometimes: we don't use our words the right away. There is an ocean of regret in my life for the choices I've made and I'd change at least half if I could.

The next morning, Hannah explains the nature of the coming guests (they all make ewwwwww faces) while Captain Sandy Yawn preps the deck crew for the charter ahead by giving them a primer on letting out the anchor chain. They need this lesson because last time Bobby forgot how to count to five and almost lost the boat anchor at sea. She doesn't say that, which is good, but everyone's thinking it.

Look; I couldn't even be nice to Bobby for five seconds after he cried, honestly!

Malia and Bosun Wes Walton chat on deck while cleaning; she's enjoying the scenery aship but Wes's earnestness isn't what usually draws her in. Usually she ends up with the Bad Boy because they're more fun LIKE EVERY WOMAN EVER UNDER 30. It doesn't make you unique, sweetheart, it makes you female and eventually most of us grow out of that. Not all of us and thank god we're not all the same, somebody needs to scrape Johnny Depp off the floor for a bounce here and again. For the record: Wes doesn't date while working, so he doesn't care that she's leaning towards Adam and not him.

Lauren hears second stew Christine "Bugsy" Drake crying in her bunk and runs to tell Hannah; who finds out that Bugs' grandma just died. She's heartbroken. Captain Sandy consoles her; her mother died while she was on charter so she understands. Hannah just bitches; what if she has to do a charter with only two stews? Bugs decides to stay (WHEW HANNAH), it's what her grandmother would have wanted.

Captain Sandy does the 5 minutes to dock call; nobody is ready

And the guests are upon us!

It's time to take the naked ladies and their suitcase pimps on a boat tour!! Two of the younger women are very pretty, but I don't think they get along. This is literally the smallest swimsuit I've ever seen

She's not in it long, though, the men (sitting inside) decide that it's time for some nudity so the three women sunning on the bow dutifully take off their bikini tops while the men rate their bodies.

Normally I'd be bitching about misogyny and the patriarchy, etc, lather: rinse and repeat, but I think in this case that would be implying the women have no agency. They know what this trip costs and they're willing to provide the skin if they get paid. It's a win-win. I have no idea why the two blondes are sunbathing, though, they must have SPF 199 on since they're both even more pale than I am.

It's not just topless news, though, it's Naked News so we getta see one of the women completely nude bitching on camera about the "cheap" boat while trying to remember her lines. I'd say talking into the wind while staying upright with those massive foobies is the real problem.

Bugs is dragged into the next scene (none of this is okay for giffing); where Whitney gets into the hot tub and we all winced when she climbed in, right? Yurk

Wes is trying to lower anchor while the pretty girls sunbathe right behind him; I'm impressed with his professionalism at 25. One day I'll try to dig up the story as to how he got so high on the totem pole at such a young age.

It's first meal time! And that's not easy, either, since we have a vegan, a raw foodie, everyone gluten-free AND a pescatarian. Just to make things more fun, Katherine Curtis (one of the young, pretty blondes) is annoyed that she specifically said no octopus or cephalopods on her preference sheet and yet: here's octopus. She eats it anyway because preference sheets are bullshit.

The guests go naked water toy playing because of course they do, while Mr. Skin contemplates Drew Barrymore showing off her pre-breast-reduction tatas in a movie. The women are nonplussed: why would any woman do that?? REDUCE bewbs?

Bobby is having a hard time keeping his eyes to himself; I'm surprised at how much they're showing. He flirts with Malia, who shit her pants six times in Asia. I figured it had to be a major plot point given how many times they brought it up.

Bugsy is pushing through the shift, head down and working while other crew members talk about how they would react if their grandma died. Not like that, I guess, although I highly recommend getting schwasted for a weekend in BC and crying all over elderly people with kind faces.

The guests eat their food while Lauren decides to make things right with Bobby. So get this: she brings him out on deck, now that he's all chill, and winds him up by saying that Hannah "didn't say anything nice!" Now we're all confused and she's screaming at him that he's a loser and there we go: it's actually all Lauren's fault. I see it now. Take a lap, FunBobs

The next day, Lauren walks in just after Bobby's been talking about her in the mess, she goes straight to Hannah and asks to talk to her on deck. For the love of. She says the deck crew is ostracizing her and gurlll; you just should have stayed out of everything. Yes Bobby was acting crazy, but that was based on information YOU gave him, so. Hannah and I are over it. She'd just like to work, please.

Captain Sandy is determined to try anchoring to rocks again; Wes and I are worried that this fake deck crew might not be able to handle it. Max and Malia are super pretty and can fold towels like nobody's business, but they don't seem to have the basics of boating down just yet. This is too advanced.

They do it, though! Good job, team! The guest who's a lawyer wishes she could strip down like the talent, who are working out in the gym. Gotta stay fit!

The guests are served their food calmly while everyone freaks out in the galley; a sink is overfilling and the boat is about to hit the rocks. It's just that good of customer service that the guest don't sense either of those problems yet.

They start doing topless dives for fun while Captain Sandy wakes up Wes and has Max out in the tender trying to push the boat away from the rocks. I'm with Max: whut?

We're done for this week, but next episode looks a little freaky, messed up anchor chains and things snapping all over the place! Including Lauren, who's having yet another meltdown about HER shittalking, honestly. Until next time you guys!

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