Below Deck Mediterranean S3:E02 A Perfect Storm Recap

Hi everyone and welcome back to Below Deck Mediterranean where the sea and guests are MAD. Nichelle Gainey and friends are not having a good time and they're about to let Captain Sandy know exactly why. Rolling S3:E02 A Perfect Storm after the break!

The ocean is rolling and throwing waves at our luxury yacht, I can't even imagine how this is going to affect poor third stewardess Kasey Cohen. She puked all day on perfectly calm seas, I say throw her in a padded room covered with plastic wrap and let nature take it's course.

Instead, Kasey throws up in the garbage can while Nichelle moves up to the bridge to explain everything to Captain Sandy Yawn. Her "I have some concerns, which are valid" is not how validating concerns works, but then I didn't blow 100 large to eat Alphaghetti out of a bowl, either. WHERE ARE THE NUTS??

Nichelle brings up Chief Stewardess Hannah Ferrier's unhappy face; I think we all know who's got the resting unhappy face asea and it's this one right here.

Basically, Nichelle expects better service and a full glass at all times. Captain Sandy cannot believe that empty glasses were just sitting around in someone's hands on multiple occasions yesterday.

Right next to all the booze. WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GET IT THEMSELVES?? WELL, ARE THEY???

No. They are not. Captain Sandy will fix this.

The deckhands practice tying knots in their kitchen, lead hand João Franco making the mistake of being sexist while deckhand Jamie Jason has a rope in her hand and the tip of his penis pays the price.

Hannah decides to send Kasey to town since she the whole boat thing seems to be a problem (HONESTLY) and Captain Sandy checks in with Chef Adam Glick.

It seems the guests owe Adam an apology, he explicitly told them what he would be serving, even using the words 'spaghetti'. I don't understand why Nichelle and her friend Areca Whatmore (LEMME SEE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE) think agreeing to spaghetti then complaining they got starch makes any sense at all.

Adam promises to be more careful then Captain Sandy calls Hannah to the bridge to take her lumps for her attitude. She has to apologize and everything, but that's what you do when you're serving customers, you make them happy. Even if they don't understand food groups.

Bosun Conrad Empson is frustrated with João already today, the lead hand keeps trying to talk over Conrad and Conrad is faaaar too chill. He's going to need to take his second in command aside before everything goes Nico/EJ.

Hannah apologizes and sends the guests to Capri with Kasey and João, the crew taking some time off while the guests rest and eat. All that selfie-taking is exhausting! Kasey drops a bomb on João, she hasn't had sex for 8 years. She had a boyfriend in high school that cheated on her, she just can't do it again. I would go into a rant about people who hold women's virginity as a totem and how sex shouldn't have that much power but hey: it's not my ladybits, so do you. Or rather do not do you, or João either. He takes it as a challenge, of course.

Slow speaking second stewardess Brook Laughton is dealing with a boyfriend clinging from afar, she feels as though they're perhaps doomed from the start.

It's raining like crazy now, lightning strikes everywhere and I am so.freaking.jealous. It's been disgustingly beautiful all week and I am a totally typical redhead. I dip myself in sunscreen every morning and hide under all the slides I can but loathe the heat. I would murder for some precipitation.

João and Kasey eat in the restaurant and babysit the guests while everyone aship tries to save everything on deck.

Not-even-Primary Areca throws another shitfit (lemme see what she ate in the restaurant, come on!) at the dock, then everyone is finally back in Conrad's tender and all is well. For NOW. They make it back on board with more babbling from Areca, honestly, what is her deal? I can't even tell if she's making sense because she's all over the place and doesn't understand that bread is a starch.

Kasey throws up some more while João tells the deck crew all about her sexual history. Total dick move, J-bird.

Areca pulls Hannah aside to ask about the birthday cake, Hannah and I: wat? What birthday cake? Hannah says that straight out, maybe next time knock the edges off, H! Round your vowels while you're losing your shite.

Hannah checks the preference sheet, no birthday cake requested so they'll explain that then say they can try to pull something out of their backsides. Adam is not excited about this brand new surprise menu item.

Hannah's new service uniform is..

Jamie gets pulled in for service and Kasey goes to bed because it's supper time! Captain Sandy will be joining, why isn't she in her dress whites? I'd LOVE to see that!

Adam is sooo worried and he should be. These women and their preference sheets are about to drive him around the bend.

So you remember Michelle, right? The guest who asked for spaghetti while everyone else was screaming "NO STARCHES" (bet they meant carbs), that one. She's not eating her fresh lobster bisque because she doesn't like seafood. The entire night's menu is seafood, so Adam is scrambling to find something suitable for her for dinner while baking a cake he knew nothing about until 5 minutes before supper.

Captain Sandy is doing her best to entertain the guests while Adam does what he can, throwing out a duck breast for Michelle.

Michelle is very disappointed in her duck breast when everyone else has a crab-stuffed lobster tail. Why didn't she say she just didn't like the soup instead of all seafood?

MICHELLE

She's put on the spot, caught by Captain Sandy eating someone's lobster and then someone else has to tell Captain Sandy that Michelle would like a lobster but without crab stuffing.

GIRL.

Captain Sandy gets all my cringy hurrahs when she brings Michelle her preference sheet and asks her what the hell is going on? I think perhaps Michelle does not know the actual meaning of shellfish, i.e. fish in shells and am shook that she doesn't like chicken. Who doesn't like chicken?? Chicken is the most inoffensive of all meat! It practically cooks itself for your pleasure, it's so accommodating!

Everything else goes well

(except for the part where Areca talks about fishing for tuna, pulling it out of the water and eating it on the deck while it's still pumping blood)

and the guests head to bed so Hannah can finally sleep. João suggests that Kasey be brought to shore, I honestly can't see her staying any longer. She's so continually ill.

Captain Sandy sends Kasey to town to a doctor and wakes up Hannah who is not appreciative. Neither is Jamie, who's pissed at being left out of deck work. She's terrified she'll be stuck back in the Interior.

Hannah walks in on the guests shittalking her, did she really roll her eyes at them?

Some time later we're docking and somehow they've got me emotionally invested! It goes really well! Conrad's as relieved as I am!

Guest departure time, yay! That means Tip Time!!! Nichelle gives a little speech about paying attention to the details on the preference sheet as Adam, Hannah and I scream internally.

First post-charter tip meeting in the mess: How much is the tip??? Imma guess 10k because these ladies were NOT happy.

It's...$

Okay, first we get Captain Sandy talking about Adam and Hannah needing a reset, I agree that Adam takes things personally but I wonder if Hannah has a reset in her. She has loads of experience, but this is the type of job you need a lot of enthusiasm for and burnout is real.

So now we get the tip: $12,000.00. That's a crap tip but João knows that grand each would go a hell of a lot farther in Zimbabwe, he has respect for the kwan.

We haven't see anything from Fire Island ferry captain Colin Macy-O'Toole and the first time we really see him this episode (except when he was sleeping while everyone else was running around in the rain) is when João is making fun of his massive shoe collection. He likes to look nice! And wear outfits! And sing showtunes! And suggests Hannah might not be 24 as she lies!

First night out on the town! Kasey is still ill but game as João drinks every single thing in sight. Brooke has been flirting with João all day but ends up chatting with Colin about his ex girlfriend and drinking almost as much as J, but much much quieter. Everything Brooke does is very, very quiet and slowly spoken. It's very restful but slooooowwww.

Oh and now Brooke's crying, because her boyfriend broke up with her. Meanwhile, João's swiveling hips at every nearby female and Hannah's making a move on extremely young Conrad.

The cab ride back gets tense fast, Hannah's adorable but very drunk and same same with João. She decides to pull rank, which is lame, then he refuses to accept said rank spit out by a drunken stew and it escalates quickly. I don't think he should have shut up because she outranked him, I think he should have sat the eff down and not got in her face, full stop. There was no need for that, it wrecked a good night.

And screw you, J-unpronounceable for making me spell your names so many bloody times this episode! What shall we call him? Until next time!

Join us! One of us! One of us!