Hi everyone, I know I'm late but I just moved (thanks, August long weekend in Canada!) so I'm catching up with Below Deck Mediterranean as fast as I can. Who's ready to bang this moho out before the next episode airs? Me too!!
We still have our threepeaters (fourpeaters?) Ken and Amber Novotny aboard, but the real dramz is on the bridge where Captain Sandy Yawn is FUMING over chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier taking a day cruise with the guests after having a Anxiety Day Off the day before. Captain Sandy can barely control her anger, so she sends Hannah to her room (NO SUPPER) before talking to her about her life choices.
I love Captain Sandy, but this was a miscommunication and ain't nobody firing Hannah. Girl just got grabbed for a selfie by Chrissy Freaking Teigen.
Captain Sandy asks bosun Conrad Empson for an explanation; why shouldn't she fire them both? The chief stew and bosun are knocking boots, Captain Sandy doesn't like how unprofessional they've been and TWO bosses go at the same time on a pleasure cruise while everyone else works?
PLUS the guests asked for second stewardess Brooke Laughton and Lead Hand João Franco, NOT Hannah and Conrad, which is what they got.
Deckhand Jamie Jason has picked up on the EVERYONE IS GOING TO GET FIRED vibe all over the ship, third stewardess Kasey Kohen is all ehhhh.
Conrad distances himself from Hannah; he had no idea she had a deal with Captain Sandy to come back to the boat after one soda at the bar. She excuses him and he remembers how to breathe.
Kenny (doing a Donald Duck impersonation) and Amber check on dinner with chef Adam Glick, they're thinking 9:15-ish, so maybe 11:37? Place your bets, ladies and gents!
Hannah hears Conrad come back to his bunk, everything alright? Nope and stay away!
That's not going to do anything for Hannah's anxiety based in abandonment issues, izzit?
Now João finally gets a break now that Conrad is back, he eats while everyone watches Conrad unload his dramz on deckhand Colin Macy-O'Toole. *lots of big eyes and even bigger gestures*
So hey, let's talk about how you COULD have a functional relationship on a boat, even whilst you work with a romantic rival! You could be Brooke and Kasey, both formerly flirted with by João, yet committed to working well together. Brooke and João even keep their kissing for off times, is everyone else on board writing this down??
Okay, maybe there's some thigh rubbing in the galley.
Captain Sandy calls Hannah up to the bridge, there is noooo middle ground these two can reach, nope. Captain Sandy just wants to get through this charter because SHE CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.
Now, she said that about Adam, too, and he's back for round two, so let's all take that for what it's worth.
We getta lotta bra shots of Hannah changing, hey?
Ohmigod it's 9:15 the guests are here at the table. Former NBA player Desmond Mason is very happy to see bread available for noshing. He was about to eat the table while the Novotnys were sleeping the other night.
Captain Sandy apologizes to Conrad and they hug it out while Adam sends out the first course: an onionless minestrone soup. Everyone holds their breath until Kenny tries it, whee #noonions!
Adam didn't have time to set up his (stupid) onion scavenger hunt, so Hannah's gonna hide them for him for the guests to play after supper.
I love onions and if I never heard that word again this entire season, I would die a happy woman.
Remember when Hannah was doing everything she could do to get Kasey fired for her inflated resume (FULL OF LIES)? Now she's gonna share her Chanel exfoliant with Kasey, she never shares her Chanel!
Brooke and João kiss in the hallway and make me a liar. Fine.
Hannah pulls champagne for the newly engaged couple and introduces the onion hunt to the game couple. I cringed while rolling my eyes, you try it, that's next level, yo!
Hannah knows from guest satisfaction, you guys, pfft.
Conrad comes up to the bridge to find João asking Captain Sandy about his work hours, he must have to apprentice to be a captain just like a trade.
Kenny is not participating in the 2018 Onion Hunt but Amber pulls it out and they get to throw Adam off the boat tomorrow!
Conrad and Hannah have a hasty kiss in the smoke pit, no fraternizing!
They throw Adam off the boat.
They said onion eleventy thousand times again already
The guests brace Kasey about who is together aship, Kasey is really growing on me.
Conrad sweeps in the crew mess whole João gets to steer the boat. That seems apt.
Jamie keeps coughing, Captain Sandy asks her to manage her own health, they got more charters coming!
Colin is rapping again, I didn't sign off on that.
Guest departure time, also known as TIP TIME wooooo!! I'ma guess $25,000 based on the killing it. Adam particularly is excited about redeeming himself.
After the guests leave, Captain Sandy calls Hannah to the bridge for yet another discussion about their discussion. I hope they never work together again.
Captain Sandy calls everyone to the crew mess for the tip meeting, leading off with a message about not allowing personal emotions affect them while asea. Got it? *everybody carefully doesn't look at Hannah and Conrad* Now! Onto the service, it was excellent because no Hannah! Fastest beach setup ever!
I GOT THE TIP RIGHT!!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!!! 25K IN YOUR FACE!!! WOOOOOOOOO
Colin makes my teeth hurt. He and João chat about going home, they're missing it. Party time!
Everyone is getting ready when Conrad hollers over to Hannah that she owes him 50 Euros, she already made it clear that money only flows in one direction but she hands over the 50 along with a side of bad attitude.
Jamie looks GOOD! Work it, girl!
Hannah's been talking a lot of brands this episode, hasn't she? Last time it was a McQueen bag, then the Chanel exfoliant and now she's walking down memory lane, reminiscing about the BMW M3 she had at 21. Let's just say that Conrad is not THAT type of boyfriend. She is reaaaaaly pissed about that 50 euros, complaining about how many smokes she left on his bed and on and on. "Are you really that ****ing tight?" Conrad is pissed.
Hannah expects someone to spoil her, she is not understanding what's happening right now.
Does Hannah not understand dating rules? Whomever is older pays, right, or you split it? I should mention that my last date was 1 millionty years ago, so things might have changed since dinosaurs roamed the earth.
Apparently the 50 Euros was for a carton of smokes? Honestly. Hannah is ready to leave this night out over this, Conrad busting her talking shite is all the schadenfreude we need for this episode.
Conrad and Hannah head out for a glass of wine and a smoke, it's over in seconds. Conrad walks away after the 50 f***ing Euros comes up AGAIN.
You guys just got over $2,000, I'LL give you 50 bloody Euros if I never have to hear about it again! Conrad comes back to the table, he's confused. How could Hannah think he was that guy? Adam points out all the name brand stuff Hannah wears, how could he not know she is that girl?
João drinks and drinks while Brooke and Kasey bond over the excellent charter they just banged out. There's a little less-awesome out loud talking about how Kasey will keep an eye on João for Brooke, she doesn't want to see Brooke made a fool off. João is a foot and a half away, they know he can hear them, right?
Hannah and Conrad take another run at talking, it doesn't go very well, but once Conrad realises that Hannah deliberately baited him in to being pissed off, he starts enjoying himself.
And then he walks away again.
The crew has a great time at a pub, João and Conrad even dancing together! But Jezebob, João's alter-ego is on the way. Conrad dances and dances until Hannah comes in and literally bumps into him, then passive aggressively complains because she thought he would be sad like she is.
This is so Friends, someone should check in with the photocopy girl.
João is now fully drunk, I'm measuring the distance between his face and Kasey's. He's angry with her because he heard her warning Brooke at the table about him, (I don't want you to look like a fool).
Conrad wants to know: does Hannah want to be happy or be rich? She won't answer (probably coz he's drunk and that's not really a one or the other question, izzit? I'm sure some rich people are happy, carefully rolling around naked in their piles of money) and he ends it right there. He maybe should not have said "you're digging for money"...
That's Hannah's cue to leave and us too! We're out!
So. Relationships all have baggage; Conrad is dealing with biodad being a tool and cutting contact after child support was over and Hannah is dealing with needing to know in material form that she is loved. Yes, we can call him cheap and her a golddigger and a bunch of other things, but she's used to being adored and fawned over in that way and so are a lot of other people. It's the 6th love language: moola. Nobody's perfect. She was deliberately trying to goad a reaction out of him but that's also part of her past and insecurity. Talking about it to other people as well wasn't an excellent choice but hey: people are who they are. They should have stopped discussing while drinking, yo. They genuinely like each other and if they could meet on equal footing, they could actually make something of it. Unfortunately, it doesn't look as though that's happening any time soon. Until next time! Cheers!