Below Deck Mediterranean is the show that never ends, ending right now (or maybe a few weeks ago) before your very eyes! What will happen next? Will our couples become singles? Is this a grown-up game of Musical Beds and everyone will switch partners as the band plays down? All this and more, answered in your Below Deck Med season finale recap!
We left lead deckhand João Franco flirting dangerously with third stew Kasey Cohen, they both know things would have been different if she hadn’t have moved from within his drunk reach for a second that fateful night he kissed second stew Brooke Laughton. After he kissed Brooke, everything made sense.
He continues to flirt outrageously with Kasey, irritating and confusing Brooke, so it’s all totally making sense.
We’re on second day of charter with Primary Clint Harkins, assorted daughters, sons-in-law and one Wicket Stepmother Trish Cona.
Ashley Harkins makes yet another comment about her dad’s girlfriend to her “Daddy”, honestly. We’ve seen him lay down the law, though, so she’s just frilly-flexin. Family relationships are hard, y’all.
Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier continues to complain about how much she’s spending on changing her flights to go home NOT from Prague with former boyfriend (dating dude? Guy she snogged for 10 episodes?) but bosun Conrad Empson has yet to offer to pay for at least half. It’s as though he’s treating her like a grown woman responsible for her own choices! And she could still go to Prague, he just doesn’t want to go with her.
It’s sometimes hard to believe that Conrad is the junior in their “relationship.”
So much more interesting!
Captain Sandy Yawn sets anchor with deckhands Jamie Jason and Colin Macy O’Toole, the rest of the deck crew prepares water toys. Awww, João and Conrad have bonded over their mutual dislike of Hannah, they finally found common ground! Too bad the previews show Hannah and Conrad sexing it up in the guest room this episode.
The deck crew was really fun by the end.
Supper time! Trish is the last to arrive again, which I get. These people have nothing to say to each other, I wouldn’t be rushing to that either. I suggest childcare as a way to avoid extended family members you hate!
Chef Adam Glick brings up the first course, he knows Hannah wouldn’t explain it properly, hahahaha. Enjoy your tomato coulee, Daddy Megabucks!
Kasey walks in on João and Brooke kissing, she feels bad for both of them, but for sure not for herself for not kissing the hot guy she likes.
*I mean, some people would think João is hot, if they liked frosted tips and all that goes with it.
Last supper course of the season! Last table clear!
Last bed turndown! The guests are all loaded, one daughter passing out by the hot tub on the Leto deck. Ashley Harkins will not be awakened. Her sister Emily and Hannah manage to get her moving.
Jamie and Colin canea WAIT to get back to real beds, Colin’s going to do bed angels and that should absolutely be a thing.
Working in a pressure cooker like yachting where you work and play with the same people in a super small space for weeks on end can result in some strange bedfellow. Like: Kasey and Hannah hugging for long, long moments and Hannah offering Kasey a reference, any time.
For reference, Hannah spent the first half of the season trying to get Kasey fired.
Also relevant: Captain Sandy spent the same amount of time trying to fire Hannah, so: pressure cooker.
We’re in Sorrento, Italy and the guests don’t want to leave. Captain Sandy and the crew are all: you don’t have to go home but you do have to GTFO, so drop the fat stacks and blow.
Lots of insincere hugs later and a short speech from Ashley or Emily and they’re gone and the season is over!
Everyone cleans, except Brooke and Hannah, who are having a heart to heart about how much Brooke likes João and how sure Hannah is that he’ll f*ck Brooke over. Why…would you do that, Hannah? Your ego is more important than the friendship you’ve made with Brooke? Because you clearly care naught for her feelings. Maybe it’s a thing where Hannah thinks truth-telling is her super power; I’ve known people like that. Arseholes who beat you over the head with “truth” then ask for a thank you. They’re helping you!
Last tip meeting!!! Captain Sandy reminds everyone: they won! Nobody got fired! “A few were close.” Nobody killed each other! “A few were close” chimes in everyone, hahaha.
I will guess $15,000 USD from this charter, I can’t figure out the money. Or $20,000 USD, which is pretty good, right? I don’t even know any more, these Euros have me messed up.
$143,500 for the season, they beat Below Deck Mediterranean season 2! Captain Sandy is even gonna come for supper with them, I’m sure that will help keep the drama down.
João and Brooke cuddle in her bunk while everyone else cleans, he loves how she accepts all his flaws.
*But can you do it forever, girl?
Time for a night out!
Oh. And Colin is rapping again.
Well. The crew likes it.
Supper time, Conrad asks anyone, anyone at all to block Hannah from sitting anywhere near him. She sits right next to him. Brooke makes a joke about Conrad not going to Prague and we all laugh except Hannah who does not like being the butt of a joke. If Conrad had been more comfortable, he could have rescued that, but with Hannah right on him there was nowhere for that joke to go.
Captain Sandy does a speech, Adam loves her and plans to stick as close to her as possible. Conrad and João make up, Conrad knocked it out the park. Hannah, who hates João with fire, watches and drinks.
Hannah shittalks Brooke to Jamie at a smoking tables approximately 4 inches away: everyone can hear her. Everyone back at the table laughs about Hannah getting so wound up, it was a really funny comment after all of her over the top complaining.
Hannah’s loaded and confronting João directly in the taxi, Conrad is just happy he’s in the other taxi! He has a plan, to grab his duvet and head to the starjfvnjxidskbf forjsbvdj and please tell me you don’t expect me to believe any of that, Conrad.
Hannah and Brooke are left in the taxi, Hannah’s got her second stew cornered. The taxi driver sighs while Brooke tells Hannah to f*ck off then after several attacks.
Brooke tries to make up back in their room, but Hannah’s still very angry. Brooke heads onto the deck with João while Conrad sneaks into a special room with a bigger bed.
A drunken Hannah goes on the search for Conrad while Adam cooks amazing food at 4 in the morning.
Hannah is SO drunk. No way this isn’t approaching blackout. She finds Conrad in the guest cabin he’s hiding in, talks her way in, ignores his “please go away” and asks if he’s okay if she goes to visit a friend on his yacht after the show?
He has no problem with that, in fact, it would be great if she went now. This “friend” might want to “****”, is that okay?
Oh please turn off the mikes, now we’ve got Hannah drunkenly smooth talking Conrad and my asshole-twenties self is both seen and cringing. Does anyone else feel creepy watching/listening to young adults moan and slurp and stuff in a non-educational movie?
Hannah is sullen the next morning and Conrad is embarrassed, especially with Colin and Adam making dragon/raptor noises about Hannah finding him in the room.
Colin out! Then Jamie! She cries, she moved from the interior to the deck and I.get.it. Kasey reviews her journey from Seasick to Incompetent Resume Liar to Recommended Anywhere! João leaves next, no cheery words for Hannah but crying literally on Captain Sandy. She would love to have João come back as her bosun.
Brooke tries once more to make up with Hannah, she’s really proud of herself. She and João are off to Florence! It’s so cute to see them walk off together.
Adam’s got ten years into yachting, he’s 33 and more in love with it than ever. Captain Sandy is so happy with his work this season!
Now it’s just Conrad and Hannah left on the boat, it’s awkward but ends well. She learned last time to not play with the crew, this season to not play with the crew, but she’s got a plan for next year!
Hannah is the last staffer to leave, she says goodbye to Captain Sandy last, who apologizes for yelling at her.
By Captain Sandy! You were awesome! Cheers, you lot. I probably won’t do the reunion show, as everyone just lies and says they’re best mates and all that, so thanks for reading Below Deck Mediterranean with me for season 3!
