Below Deck Mediterranean S4:E04 Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen Recap

So when are we getting a new chef on Below Deck Med already, amirite? There's only so much mayo I can bear being squirted into canned fish, you guys. Also: it's hella easy to make mayonnaise, all you need is eggs, oil and a mixer and we saw all of that! Anyway, let's get ready to watch rich people eat subpar food for at least one more episode, roll with me into S4:E04 Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen after the break!

So it's 10:15 and Primary Charter Guest Dr. Jennifer Berman is frowning into her "fine" steak. It's not fine, the fish was crap earlier: basically she's paying six figures for food that would be sent back on Denny's graveyard shift.

Third stewardess Anastasia Surmava was brought into the galley to help rescue Chef Mila Kolomeitseva from the weeds, but Captain Sandy Yawn knows the day was beyond assistance. The only thing to do is move forward and get better.

(and maybe replace your chef. What's Ben Robinson doing these days? He's capable and adorable and has those filming clearances that are apparently so important)

Deckhand Jack Stirrup has a bit of a thing for Chef Mila (he calls her sexy Hitler since everyone found out how homophobic she is. Sexy.Hitler.) so asks a lot of questions while lead deckhand Travis Michalzik stares at him. Travis does feel a little bit bad for Chef Mila and admires the giant ladyballs she gathered up to present herself as a chef when she's clearly not competent, but basically still thinks she's a steaming pile of oxygen thief.

Second stewardess Aesha Scott jokes around with Jack while cleaning up after service while the guests call it a night.

*I cannot imagine chartering a boat to go to bed early. I don't drink, so I wouldn't stay up all night doing that, but I would probably sleep out on deck.

Anastasia videochats with her mom about the meal she helped prepare, Chef Mila hears her and joins the conversation. Anastasia and her mom are from the Republic of Georgia, Mila is also Russian. Everyone settles in for the night, Bosun João Franco bonds with deckhand Colin Macy O'Toole over their mutual disgust re: former second stew Brooke's new "jabroni" boyfriend.

Good morning! Captain Sandy gives the order to depart as Aesha sets the table and Chef Mila hustles to get breakfast made before her helper comes along.

The guests get up and start ordering a la carte, I've not seen that before with breakfast. Usually the chef just slams out a bunch of platters and calls it a day. They're not...serving this like that, are they?

That's gonna be re-plated, right?

Right?

The guests eat pineapple because they think it will make their ladybits taste better and I suddenly want to look up Dr. Berman's medical degree coz that ain't it, Chief. Perpetuating the myth that there's anything wrong with ladybits that have not been treated internally with pineapple doesn't sound super sciency. HOWEVER. Dr. Jen Berman is indeed a medical doctor of Urology and seems totally legit.

*I eat pineapple because it's delicious and the only thing ever scientifically proven about its properties is that it's a meat tenderizer, so make of that what you will.

Well. They removed the paper towel, at least?

But the meat isn't cooked and nobody wants trichinosis for brekkie so they're not eating it. Chef Mila starts working on the pancakes she forgot...she didn't just randomly pour oil in there without measuring, did she? They look kinda runny.

Anastasia works on the guest cabins while Chef Mila throws out batch after batch of runny pancakes. The pancakes are from a box.

*Imma need a minute*

I make pancakes from scratch at least once a week because apparently I have too much time on my hands and I have a working knowledge of how freaking.easy.pancakes.are.to.make. And she's using a mix and she can't get one pancake on the table?

Aunt Jemima is for EVERYONE!

Chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier starts to pile on Chef Mila; how can a chef not know how to make pancakes? (Or a cake, or shrimp or crab salad or) Chef Mila suggests she jump on in there instead if she knows so much, Hannah comes unglued.

*I don't like to agree with incompetent people in general, but Chef Mila is right in that there is sooooo.much hatred in Hannah's face. She couldn't wait to scream at Mila for taking her third stew. Why?

  1. Probably because Hannah has been enjoying having someone who knew what they are doing in that position for once
  2. Then Hannah doesn't have to do stuff and can smoke more!
  3. You know when you act like you're a martyr and you're doing something for the "greater good" because you're a problem solver, not a complainer, no siree! But then the person you're helping isn't appreciative enough and you can't WAIT to beat them over the head with how helpful you're being and how you haven't even said anything bad about it. Until now

Four tiny flat pancakes make it out of the kitchen to be shunned by the guests. Captain Sandy apologizes and heads to the Bridge to express her disbelief to João at how bad Chef Mila's food has been.

Captain Sandy arranges to have the guests brought ashore for lunch, she's going to go eat with them there. Good call!

Jack gets his second and final warning about having his glorious hair down, Captain Sandy doesn't like how messy it looks.

Look where they anchor!

Captain Sandy takes Hannah aside again; Anastasia will definitely be in the galley from now on. She even goes as far as to tell Anastasia that she'll be running the galley for dinner that night. That's a metric tonne of pressure on the person with the lowest seniority on the boat. Hannah did some soul searching about her anxiety last season and arrived at a conclusion.

That's like one third of the Serenity Prayer!

The deckhands gossip about the interior problems then Jack heads over to flirt with the charter guests. Okay, Dr. Jenn is flirting with him, not the other way around, but Jack would "be willing to risk his life and job to bang Dr. Jenn" (slight paraphrase) and back the fuck up, sailor. Dr. Jenn is 54; light-years out of your league and nobody wants to hear your juvenile seduction techniques involving "banging" a grown woman. I don't know why I find that so offensive, maybe it's the "bang Dr. Jenn" like she's a wayward door in a storm.

Awww, Jack hasn't had sex for 10 whole days.

Chef Mila gets the news that Anastasia will be in charge in the kitchen tonight, she cries in the bathroom after.

Hannah's trying to figure out the menu for the evening with Anastasia, Chef Mila's not down yet. Hannah uses that as yet another opportunity to slam Mila's terrible food.

See. Chef Mila has produced some extremely suspect foodstuffs. But as much as I give Hannah credit for saying something to her face, there's just too much anger there for what's going on between them. It's difficult to watch.

You can't "BOOM" your own sentence, Hannah!

Travis and Colin head with the Captain and the guests for lunch ashore and João nudges Jack about his hair again. I like João in charge, he's laid back but good at motivating his crew and seems to work with his crew's strengths. Those are all signs of a good leader.

Chef Mila has been hoarding special meat in a secret compartment on the deck, she brings it into the galley with defiance: she wants to cook this giant fowl leg (goose? mutant chicken?).

Colin Macy O'Toole has the BEST family, his mom calls awww. He's just not connecting with anyone aside from João, I wonder why that is. Sing some showtunes, Colin!

The crew jumps in to help the interior clean cabins while Anastasia works on her Georgian meatballs in the galley.

Meat.balls. Like, fancy meatballs? Don't get me wrong, they're a fave of mine but I don't think high-end when I'm making them.

Sous chef Mila can't believe she's taking orders from Anastasia and finally understands how the guests have been feeling about her food:

João is still stalking his ex-girlfriend's Instagram account and I'm starting to find it less adorable. It's been pretty much constant and that's crossing a boundary. Lemme tell you how many times you should be on your ex's social media: none times.

Huh. Chef Anastasia is a vegan but she's trying the meatballs to make sure they're okay, then spitting it out. Mila and I swear internally. (My brother is a vegan, I'm allowed to make fun)

Travis whips out his Tinder profile for the deck crew, I can't tell if he likes A-cups or doesn't but I've never seen a dude that screams "confirmed bachelor" more. Not in the euphemistic sense, either, just this is a guy who wants a laugh and that's all.

Anastasia has prepared a vegan meal for the crew, it looks like...spaghetti? The guests drink and ask each other inappropriate questions that I desperately want the answers for. What WOULD people say at my funeral??

João is really struggling with the end of his relationship with Brooke, especially since it ended because of her infidelity (we're only hearing one side so far, but I'm not gonna question a grown man crying) and he had so many trust issues even before her.

Captain Sandy encourages him to let it all out, I think it's great that he's able to access his emotions so freely. So many men get stuck in that macho role and can't see a way out.

Captain Sandy is the best. He can trust her!

See? She says "sleep together", not "you're not gonna bang me like a faulty screendoor in a tropical storm." I don't know why that bugs me so much, it just seems disrespectful. And I'm a huge fan of banging!

It's time for our fateful last dinner with this group (and Chef Mila in the kitchen if there is a GOD), Hannah has spackled on the goo and commandeers Colin and João to serve with her. Aesha will be kept downstairs cleaning the cabins (for the third time that day) as she's much faster than the fellas.

I think Hannah and João  are FLIRTING. Toldya they're totally be hatehumping before the season is out. If someone gets under your skin as much as they did for each other last season, there's something going on.

Oh great, Captain Sandy is coming for supper! Anastasia freezes.

She plates her carpaccio with its foam, but the guests take over 40 minutes to be seated. I mean, they're up there, standing by the chairs, but not...sitting. Chef Anastasia is angry and Mila smirks. You can actually see the

"NOT SO EASY, IS IT??"

Written all over her face.

The carpaccio is sent back by Dr. Jenn and Captain Sandy, they don't eat raw meat. It looks pretty, but quite thick. I'd probably drink the horseradish foam!

The second course of salad with homemade vinaigrette is well-received, now we're on to the spaghetti with dry meatballs.

Jack and Travis mess around in the kitchen, joking about their muscles to be shut up firmly by Anastasia, who needs to concentrate. Travis rolls his eyes but Jack likes a woman who bosses him around!

I think Jack's whole ten days without sex has made him like just about anything that has the possibility of an orifice.

The meatballs are served.

Turns out our Drunky Loud Guest is also a meatball expert, let's see what Drunky has to say! She likes them! There's silence as everyone tries them, they all like the meatballs! Yay! One meal has gone mostly right, including the dessert everyone loves.

The crew cleans up as the guests start dancing and disrobing on deck. They're going skinny dipping, yay! This is like the nekkid hottub party with the Okies!

Travis watches closely, complimenting the "old bird" and her decent arse.

Dese guys...

Last day of charter! Mila wakes up to find Anastasia in the galley already, she's adapted to her new role in the kitchen. Erm.

She works on Russian pancakes (like crepes) while João drives the yacht away from their anchor spot. João guides Captain Sandy into dock and it's Tip Time!! We're not going to find out what it is yet, but they do mention Captain Sandy's superb crisis management when it came to the food.

Everyone cleans the boat to get ready for the next charter, but all their focus is on the partying planned for nighttime.

Hannah asks Aesha if she's into Jack, nah, she just likes him as a brother. He's fun to watch.

Tip Time!! It's wow. It's $18,000 USD, which is $1,430 each. Mila better not take any of that money, y'all.

She DID.

Hannah and Anastasia smoke until Aesha comes over and farts on Hannah. Now, I have young boys and this is common for me, but Aesha is a grown.woman.

Mila is called to the Bridge.

Captain Sandy starts by complimenting Mila on her attitude and remarking on how pleasant it is to walk in the galley and see her there.

*This better be the bottom half of a shit sandwich or I RIOT

Mila offers the moon to stay aship, will Captain Sandy give her another chance? We've all heard how difficult it is to find a proper chef right in the middle of charter season, and one that can appear on Bravo would be extry hard. So what happens? We'll have to tune in next time and find out, because we're done for this week!

If they keep that no-cooking, pancake-ruining, mayo-squirting, filet-microwaving Golden Corral buffet linecook for one more episode....

Until next time! Cheers!

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