There's been a distinct lack of snogging so far on Below Deck Mediterranean, wouldn't you say? One drunken face rub but not one crew hookup that went past inadvisable shot-taking in a bar. Let's see if S4:E07 All Hail The Queen changes that after the break!
We ended last time with the crew enjoying a night out, well, "enjoying" because bosun João Franco felt the need to make sure that former third stewardess and current yacht chef Anastasia Surmava understood that she wasn't actually a chef, right toots?
To be fair, she was complaining about the pressure of a job she took willingly and without duress, but it's still hella stressful and everyone needs to vent now and again. Calling her a rank amateur was kind of a dick move, João.
Anastasia mostly works for praise, though, which she's fully aware of but somehow also doesn't understand that is not a hole that is going to be filled. If you have to get all of your peace and joy from others telling you you're awesome: it's going to be a painful time for you.
ALSO, before I leave this dead horse I am thumping, I can't help but feel that everyone was chief stewardess Hannah Ferrier when she found out that Captain Sandy Yawn was planning to run a chef apprenticeship asea.
It was fine that Anastasia covered for them in their time of need, but to do it full time...was she really ready or up to the task?
Back to the bar! Lead deckhand and sous chef Travis Michalzik is always the voice of reason, he reminds João that Anastasia is under hella stress and maybe shut up. João defends himself as the honest person who gets in trouble.
There's honesty that people ask for and then there's hitting someone over the head with TRUTH.
João keeps drinking, he's well into the tequila shots when we hear what else Travis is thinking about his boss. He doesn't think João treats his crew well and I'd say he's talking about extremely green deckhand Jack Stirrup. Jack's a lovely lad from Liverpool but his work ethic leaves a little something to be desired, like the "work" part.
Travis thinks João is making the same mistake a lot of new bosses make, of not empowering his crew to make sure they know he's more important than them. Or "Billy Big Balls" as Travis calls him because he is Australian and they have nicknames for everything.
The partying continues with second stewardess Aesha Scott performing on the dance floor, twerking her non-existent bum and inexplicably on all fours. João is in full flow, calling her "whorish" as she asks Jack "who cares what I do?" Exactly. Whose business is it? Twerk your non-junk all over the place, do whatever you want, who cares what he thinks? It's your tiny bum!
Jack takes an unusual route to avenge his friend Aesha, he's going to do absolutely nothing at work the following day to get back at João.
If ONLY he hadn't already done that every single charter, it might stand out more as a protest.
An extremely drunk Travis and João get into a pushy-shove-y match outside the bar while deckhand Colin Macy O'Toole appears to literally have João's back.
João and Colin hop in one taxi with Hannah while the other four traumatized crew members regroup in the other. There's been a metric tonne of drinking, it must be said, and that explains the aggression, the grouping and João threatening to fire Jack at 2:37 am.
*Major kudos to the editing team here on Below Deck Mediterranean, it's first class.
6 hours later, half the crew is up and ready to get this boat in shape for charter. João was pretty close to a blackout the previous evening, so he has to find out what happened from Colin, who shittalks Travis.
Now. I am on the fence about adorakable Colin. He finds Travis's worldliness offputting and has been feeling isolated but I think that's because he's so super controlled.
João feels bad and vows to not drink on charter again. We've never ever heard this from another crew member ever.
Hannah and Travis even got in a little cuddle last night, she's not looking for anything serious but ehh maybe some fun.
João is good as his word and wakes up Travis and Jack at 10:00 am sharp, which he calls slightly lenient.
Time for one of my favourite things on Below Deck and Below Deck Mediterranean, the Pre-Charter Preference Sheet Meeting!
*Something just occurred to me: shouldn't they know what kind of food to shop for BEFORE ordering provisions? There is no way they're just looking at it for the first time now. Boooooo
ANYWAY, Anastasia is already feeling pressure, now that she's not just helping out. Captain Sandy is going to expect an actual meal plan and not burgers and fries, no matter how precisely cut.
Who's coming to Below Deck Med?? The Queen of Versailles herself, Ms. Jackie Siegel!! I am ridiculously excited about this, I saw the documentary and was impressed with how carefully she protected her sense of self. It didn't matter what anyone else thought, she was perfectly happy moving through her life just as it was.
Also joining Jackie are Adena Ajayi, Janet Beres, Jackie's son Steve Siegel and his wife Jenessa. Or Denise Emerson, who is also traveling with the gang, sometimes Captain Sandy lisps. This gang wants a picnic atop Eze, it looks shamazing.
Aww no, they're going to be celebrating the life of Jackie's daughter Victoria, what happened? I'll let them tell me, Google can be mean.
Boat set up! How can it get dusty so fast? Aesha is cleaning one of the cabins when João comes in to apologize for calling her a whore. She hates judgemental people; she ran into that a lot when she was young and her mum was struggling with addiction. Mind your beeswax, peeps!
Then Aesha and Hannah trashtalk Jackie's 90,000 square foot mansion, it's so tacky! I almost thought that was judgement but then she just said she hates that, so.
João's still pretty green as a manager, however much he wants to seem in charge he's willing to change his approach if it's not working and I appreciate that. He's written up a list for Jack instead of just shouting at him, let's see what excuse Jack uses next to do feck-all!
Jack's leaning on the hot tub when a new person approacheth: it's the new third stew! Who is it?? *PleasebeRockyPleasebeRockyPleasebeRocky*
Ah. It's not. Hai June Foster! Wow, she's gorgeous!!
Who does she look like?? Jen from another season? It's going to drive me nuts, she looks like an athlete and until I figure it out...
Oh okay, I take back my producer shade above, Anastasia is off in Old Town in Antibes sniffing cheese for provisions. That does seem crazy short time, but what are you gonna do? Or most of the things are on order but she's going to smell tomatoes for us on camera so she know she's taking this chef job Super Seriously.
Hannah takes the new girl on a boat tour while Anastasia and Travis work in the galley. June's trying to learn as fast as she can. Hannah's more interested in the gossip: has June got a boyfriend?
Hey! What about girlfriend??
Colin Macy O'Toole is just happy to have another American on board, he's been swamped in accents since this season began.
Guest arrival time! Woooo hai Primary Queen Jackie and friends!
Er but that dress is open at the back and there's a bra and
You know what? Who cares, they're rich and people can wear underwear as outerwear whenever they like.
Primary Queen Jackie Siegel was all "I thought I was gonna get a male captain. *pause* But you're beautiful!" I forgot how she talks, it's kind of bitten and nasally at the same time. Midwest?
Hannah takes the guests on a boat tour while everyone else works their nads off. Jackie's pooped after walking up the stairs in the superyacht, she asks Hannah if there's an elevator. There is not.
Captain Sandy is de-docking smoothly when Primary Queen Jackie interrupts to ask plaintively if she has to unpack herself? Hannah sends Aesha to help, who is carefully instructed in matching the dresses to underwear by Jackie.
Jack wanders around the galley scrounging for food then goes out on deck to not drop the anchor properly. João has to come help, swearing all the way.
The deck crew sets up the water toys as Anastasia sends out lunch and June does laundry.
Manufactured drama alert! Primary Queen Jackie asks what's for supper and when is told lamb, requests mint jelly. There has literally never been a time that those things are not served together, if you have lamb: you have mint jelly.
Anastasia's deer in the headlights look suggests otherwise. Oh come on, check the cupboards, you know there's a dusty green bottle in the back.
The guests check out the toys, hahhahaha I am this guy putting on a lifejacket.
June has taken a shine to Colin and his corny jokes, she likes him already. He's solid and genuine and I can't argue with that.
Anastasia assembles a chocolate cake for dessert, Hannah checks their wine stocks and João accepts a Randy Russian Love Doll from town. Party time, excellent!
Oh wait. Primary Queen Jackie wanted these for her stepson's birthday party, for a joke. Wut.
Of course Aesha has a great time blowing up the dolls. Of course she does. She is a great help for June, showing her exactly how to set the table perfectly so Hannah doesn't go too hard on her. Awww.
The guests dress, Primary Queen Jackie even brought her own sash! I'll try to get a clear shot.
Soooo remember when I wasn't sure who the Primary's son was married to? Steve Siegel is married to Jenessa, a very young blonde. Why are they all married to very young blondes? Because they can?
Jack and Travis lurk by the door as dinner is served, Jack suggests a double date with Hannah and Aesha.
Look how pretty the lamb is!
Yogurt/lime sauce has replaced the mint jelly, everyone loves it. Time for the sex dolls and birthday cake for the stepson birthday boy!
The guests love the sex dolls and cake and head to bed while Hannah and Aesha clean up in the galley. Travis and Jack call them up to the bridge, honestly, these guys are acting like pre-teens. Jack goes first, asking Aesha out quite nicely, to be laughed at by everyone. She says yes and so does Hannah, who's just happy because Travis isn't likely to catch feelings.
Downstairs in the galley, super slim June eats and eats and eats leftover chocolate cake while Aesha croons over how sweet Jack is.
You really need the sound to be able to appreciate that thick New Zealand accent, but do your best.
It's the next morning, the guests are up and Colin helps Captain Sandy lift the anchor and they set off for Eze and their picnic. They legit ALWAYS forget something, so let's draw straws on what it will be this time. It's usually booze, but I would also accept submissions of salads and/or plated sandwiches.
Primary Queen Jackie stops by the kitchen to ask for boiled quail eggs, she's a trend setter! Take fanny packs, which she used to wear and now everyone does, wooo.
*I use a totally boring fanny pack for running!
June's still trying to figure out the schedule: when do they get to EAT?? Hannah calls her energy weird, let's find out what that means! Anastasia's melon is slowly expanding...
Primary Queen Jackie wants her picnic super early, they're not going to have time to set up properly. Anastasia will do her best to have lunch ready as early as possible, they're still going to be up against it.
The deck crew unpacks every single water toy they have while Captain Sandy oversees and the interior crew does their best to set up for this picnic on top of a massive hill. Hannah calls it "a little bit of a walk" and sends her crew off with everything they need.
Except what? What could they have forgotten? The guests get lost almost immediately and we switch back to the boat where Captain Sandy has set up a fun day for everyone not on the picnic. They get to try out all the fun water stuff!
Anastasia wears some tiny, tiny bikinis, yes? Hannah's in a one piece and the rest of the crew is lugging huge amounts of gear up a giant stone hill in the midday sun.
Colin, June and Aesha are out of wind, guess what's missing? Cutlery! The cutlery is in the crew mess! And we're oot. Boooo! Until next time!