Hi! We're back in Hollywood with our pretty people on The Hills: New Beginnings, are you as over the pending triangle as I am? Maybe they'll veer off, anything could happen, right? Let's find out in S1:E03 after the break!
We open at the Malibu Farm (which looks like a beach...) with Audrina Patridge meeting with Ashley Wahler and Heidi Montag. Heidi always had very complicated hair, she has a person for that, right? I can't see her YouTubing how to do a waterfall braid on a wig at 5 am.
Heidi's been struggling with post partum depression, well, she hasn't called it that but she's having severe-seeming anxiety when she leaves her son Gunner and this is her first ladies lunch in the 18 months he's been alive.
That might have been a difficult decision to make, filming this new season of The Hills. That's going to be cutting into her time for sure. I wonder if Spencer...okay, okay, never mind, not jumping to any conclusions.
They discuss Audrina's on again off again relashie with Justin Brescia (who is really Justin Bobby) he's giving mixed signals like it's 2007, y'all. To be fair, he always has. He didn't pick her up for their music festival date, but as soon as the cameras were off, he was all over her physically and then kissed her.
This might be because Audrina was going on a double date with a guy named Matt and Ashley and Jason Wahler (LC'S EX!!!). Justin, who had previously blown Audrina off with a "Why didn't I text you? Why didn't you CALL me?" texted Audrina through the whole meal.
These people seem much younger than I expected.
So Matt was cute but maybe not chemistry? They're all going to see Justin Bobby play an acoustic set shortly, that oughtta be fun! He's adorable.
Ashley asks after Heidi's husband Spencer Pratt, he's off at a pool party with Brandon Lee. Brandon's a solid decade younger than the original gang, I can't imagine what they have in common to talk about. Tequila? Diapers? Brandon doesn't drink and or have kids, so
We're off to Brandon's mom's house, oh you know: PAMELA ANDERSON. I know her politics and activism is a little...all over the place, but I will always love Pammy. She's hilarious.
Speaking off, how bloody much does Brandon look like his dad Tommy Lee??
Brody Jenner is the first to arrive at the (extremely quiet) party with...pineapple watermelons?
What is that?? Ohhh it's behind the pineapple, okay cool. Anyway, Brandon just got a lead role in a movie and wanted to celebrate with the guys. He offers Brody rosé, who declines because "Dude. It's Tuesday. At noon." hahahah
Spencer arrives next with TWO bottles of booze, he doesn't care if it's noon on Tuesday, he's away from the fam and he wants his crew back! Justin Bobby is next, all in black of course, followed by Michael Utsinger, a friend of Spencer's. I don't know who he is, but he has some very young, very pretty and very thin women with him.
Spencer brought crystals for everyone, awww. Then he tells us about his retail addiction that led to Pratt Daddy Crystals and honestly.
We covered this last time, but Brandon Lee is sober. He ran into a lot of trouble in his late teens and that led him here, not able to drink. I get it, bro, own your story. Not everything in life has to be padded or eased with drugs or alcohol. Unless you can do that casually, do you!
Spencer razzes Brody for not drinking (at noon on a Tuesday), he needs to get a new clique! *Quick camera swing to the very young, very beautiful and very bored young women* Brody says he would have more fun if his wife Kaitlynn Carter was here, but she wasn't invited, so.
So. Was that Brody shading Brandon? WHY are they hanging out with a 12 year old anyway?
Spencer listens to a little more of Brody going on about preferring to party *with* his wife (sure), he says "I just don't believe any of this sh*t" to HIS FACE and that is the magic of Spencer Pratt.
Like when his sister Stephanie would say horrible things about him and his family in the press but pretended she wanted to be close in real life and Spencer called her on it.
It's a pool party, so lots of shots of small bikinis follow plus dudes jumping off of unlikely places. CAREFUL!
Spencer is using everyone there as Instagram models for his crystal line; here's the young lady going surfing with Brandon later.
THEN he FaceTimes Heidi so she can see all the beautiful young women wearing their crystals. I don't know if the editing was supposed to be like this, but seeing those women in the pool wearing oil and not much clothing was a huge difference to Heidi, with her ornate (and heavy looking) hair and eight layers of clothing.
Ashley (whose face I am obsessed with) is impressed with how solid she and Spencer are and how good Heidi looks *for her age*. I didn't even have to bring this up, but I was thinking it!!
Heidi was such a cute kid back in the day, she leads up through the decisions that led to her having the metric tonne of plastic surgery she's had.
She calls it an impulsive decision that she was too young to make, awww. Hollywood got to her. I always liked Heidi, she was just very easily influenced.
Don't think I don't notice how they're carefully presenting her Before as much happier than her After.
Back to the pool party, where Brody has left and Spencer is complaining about how p***ywhipped he is. Brandon thinks they're like ex boyfriends, sometimes former friends are like that. When you're really immature.
Spencer blames their distance on Kaitlynn; Brody and his wife host a lot of parties but he's never once been invited. More gossip, where's his best friend?
Audrina and Stephanie Pratt meet up in a flower shop to talk about Spencer and Justin Bobby. They were kind of setting us up to think that Stephanie was interested in Justin, but maybe Audrina didn't watch last episode because she's spilling all about her date with our musicianbro.
SHE tells Audrina that Justin came to see her when she was upset after the party, Audrina is 5 feet 2 inches of WTF.
Now we're watching Justin play his music, he's got a guitar and a microphone and an audience of one: Spencer. He's got a gig Friday at Paloma, Spencer is there to enjoy the magical creatureness of Justin Bobby.
And talk shite about Stephanie. Justin would like to get to know Stephanie better, Spencer hopes he enjoys that journey. Let's talk about Audrina!
That makes zero sense. None. You're not in a tank! Audrina isn't tapping on it! He's freaked out that she has a child, though, what if he gets attached and then can't run off when he gets bored? He grew up like that, he doesn't want to disappoint anyone. It's scary.
So. Bear with me. What if Justin said that to AUDRINA? I love you and really enjoy our time, but I'm scared of a serious relationship with someone with a child. Can we take it slowly?
Just throwing that out there.
Ashley Wahler and Audrina meet to shop for clothes for the concert at Paloma; Audrina isn't even sure she's going to the show. Then Audrina mentions that she visited Stephanie. Ashley's FACE.
Ashley thinks Justin Bobby won't allow himself to be friends with Audrina because he wants more from her but has commitment issues: again: wouldn't this be a relatively basic conversation between dating adults?
Audrina agrees to go to the concert, just because everyone else is going to be there, not for Justin nuh uh.
Spencer rolls over to Brandon's house with a housewarming crystal and a burrito; sure! Brandon's a bit worried about his new acting role, he's playing an addict and that's bringing up his past dependency issues.
That was the short part of their conversation, they move onto trashing Brody immediately. Brandon (all of 12 years old) doesn't have time for friends who aren't 100% down, dawg.
Justin pops into Paloma, Stephanie shows up to "help." He likes her look, he's a "man's man" and he likes a woman who looks like a woman. Then he digresses for a solid minute about nothing.
You know when someone can be really cute but then you get to know them better and suddenly it's much less?
I guess Stephanie isn't a mom, so she's got that going for her? In Justin Bobby's world anyway.
Now she's grilling Justin Bobby on kissing Audrina at the music festival and their "friendship." He straight up says Audrina made up the kiss, they're friends!
I sort of hate Stephanie just for this, the condescension.
Brody and Kaitlynn are at an arcade for a date night, within minutes Kaitlynn has blamed Brody's lack of desire for kids on his poor relationship with his dad Caitlyn Jenner. Then we're shittalking Spencer, who Brody says he's been texting. "Spencer is being a little b*tch."
Quick segue to "I'm 30, when are we having a baby??" But Brody's wary of divorce, which given everyone he knows: is a reasonable reach. But Kaitlynn is determined that they will make it and given their hinted-at possible maybe extra curricular activities, maybe they have a shot!
*Basic compatibility and honest communication, yo.
Brody is not ready for children. At all. Kaitlynn talks fast and asks him to respect the promise he made her.
Does he have HUMP written on his fingers??
Stephanie (wearing chain mail lingerie?) and Kaitlynn are the first to arrive at Justin's show, Mischa Barton arrives right after before Heidi and Spencer. They haven't seen Stephanie since her welcome back party, hopefully they stay completely separate. Ashley and Jason Wahler show up with Audrina, Brandon Lee has brought model Lorena from the pool party.
Frankie Degado teases Audrina about Justin writing songs for her, Mischa referees her and Stephanie, who is loaded for bear.
Those cheekbones are so distracting!
Kaitlynn throws around Brody's DJing gigs, nobody's come and seen him do his thing. Let's bring the cameras to Las Vegas! Kaitlynn mentions it in front of Heidi, who immediately shuts her down: Spencer was not invited.
Being a mother has been great for her!
They chitchat a little bit, not only did Brody not invite Spencer and Heidi to his wedding, he didn't come see their son Gunner when he was born.
Michael Utsinger and Jason Wahler try to broker peace between Spencer and Brody, but Spencer is scurred. Brody doesn't even understand the words coming out of his own mouth, it really is like these guys used to date.
Brody approaches Spencer directly and they sit to talk. I love that Brody is all "tell me how you're feeling! Just talk" *shoulder pat*. Spencer starts slowly, looking very much as though he's worried he's going to upset Brody irrevocably.
(There's always been a power imbalance in their friendship)
Spencer explains how he feels about Brody missing his son's birth and just when I think they might be able to find a way to their friendship again, Justin Bobby hits the stage and Brody says "you're acting like a little baby" to Spencer.
Then they're fighting about Brody's wedding and he tells Spencer to "get in line" while Justin Bobby is stillllll singing in a super stupid way.
Oh but we're not done! Now Brody and Spencer are screaming over top of Justin's yodeling and mugging (yeahhhhh no) about being hurt by each other and ruining their heart friendships and dudes: I've had romantic relationships break up easier than this. Well, not lately, but in general.
Audrina dips without talking to Justin, there's too much going on to interrupt him in Rockstar Mode, he's "A Legend in his Own Mind."
And we're out! But ARE WE?? Noooo, we have a deleted scene to watch wooooo!
It's the double date with the Audrina, the Wahlers and their friend Matt. I was wondering why we didn't see it as they were obviously filming it. Maybe we'll eventually see the scarlet kiss between Audrina and Justin some day too!
Matt's cute but his eyes are shiny and over-eager. I'm so picky, he's cute, never mind. They eat oysters then Matt and Jason go to the bathroom (??) and the girls chitchat over Justin, who's been blowing up Audrina's phone the whole date long. NOW we're out! Until next time!