Below Deck Mediterranean S5:E03 The Italian’s Job Recap

Hai everyone! It’s time for Below Deck Mediterranean our weekly dose of batsht shenanigans on from the unruly crew aboard The Wellington, we even get a new set of charter guests today, wooo! Let’s find out if Walking Insubordination loses her job or not after the break in Below Deck Med S5:E03 The Italian’s Job recap.

So we left things with chief steward Hannah Ferrier dealing with this arsehole, her second steward Lara Flumiani.

In case you don’t know, that’s Lara and that’s how she talks to her manager Hannah.

Hannah’s had all she can take of this one, she grabs Captain Sandy Yawn out of the crew mess, we gotta get this nipped in the bud.

Captain Sandy comes in cold, so when Hannah starts to explain what she asked Lara, Captain Sandy asks her to let Lara speak. Captain Sandy is an excellent leader, but a lot of people have mistaken her collaborative leadership style as weakness. Lara does this, laughing when Captain Sandy mentions that she and Hannah have had their clashes previously.

Captain Sandy really likes people to make it work, she counsels Lara and Hannah through a talk where they decide to start afresh. Lara agrees only because she respects Captain Sandy, which appears to cause Hannah physical pain.

Captain Sandy tells us Lara has a “f*** you energy” and that seems about right. She has high hopes that Lara and Hannah can reset, just like she and Hannah reset. Okay!

Hannah decides her reset includes handing Lara a list of things to do in front of Captain Sandy then running off. Her third steward Jessica More will be back in cabins on the next charter.

Bosun Malia White tentatively directs her deck crew, she needs to get a lot less unsure in a hurry. The deck crew is super chill but they’re going to start slacking if she doesn’t set expectations. Already lead deckhand Pete Hunziker, aka The Unit is saying things.

Pete and deckhand Alex Radcliffe fight over who will get with sexy Italian Lana, too bad her name is LARA.

Jessica gets taken off shift and decides to lay out wearing 1/8 of a swimsuit. Wow. That was…a lot showing. I think I saw a fallopian tube. Deckhand Robert Westergaard is fully okay with alla that.

Rob sits next to where Jessica is laying out (jaaaaayyyysus I don’t know where to look), impressed because she’s reading a book. It proves she’s more than just surface.

Plus there’s the bikini.

Captain Sandy calls Hannah, Malia and chef Hindrigo Lorran aka Kiko down to the crew mess for our pre-charter meeting, yay! Who’ve we got coming aship? Oh, right, Roy Orbison Jr., his Swedish wife Åsa Orbison and awwwww Roy Orbison III! He’s so cuuuute. We don’t get to see his brother Bo Orbison as much, but the important thing is that neither one can swim, so it’s all lifevests, all the time. Nanny Anges Roosman is on board, wow, she’s gorgeous. They’re all purty rich people, including Gloria Erickson and Ulf Ekberg from Ace of Base, wooooo!

I am going to try so hard not to use song puns all the time, but this was the soundtrack of my very first years in the bar y’all. I saw the sign(s) and got out just a short decade later.

Kiko is also a musician, shoot your shot, boo! If that’s all that you want!

This is the first time we’ve been on charter with Hannah in a (real) relationship, her fella Josh calls for a love top-up, everyone needs those, right?

Pete, well, I’m sure trying. And so is Lara, she digs how much he works out and he loves showing her.

There’s a heart beneath that underboob, though, his dad was recently diagnosed with cancer so he moved home to be with him but we’re talking six months to a year. That’s brutal.

Everyone dresses for a night out, wow, Lara cleans up well. You can tell who’s in a relationship because you can’t see what they had for lunch like you can with everyone else.

Hold ON. Are Pete and Lara already holding hands?

At supper, the deck crew talks about how much they love working under a woman, Pete even grew up inspired by a woman who owned 7 Domino’s franchises. If she could do it, no way he couldn’t, right?

I don’t think Pete understands that isn’t exactly a compliment.

It’s a fun night out, in the beginning. Hannah and Kiko and both wifed up so cuddle up and shittalk Lara, who has Pete climbing into her lap six feet away. Or as we say in Social Distancing:

She’s got an attitude, Hannah, she’s not DEEF. Malia talks to Lara a little bit, pointing out that she would fire anyone on her crew who didn’t do what she asked.

What the fck man, Pete goes into a four part metaphor which begins with getting Lara in the game and ends with something flowing away in a chain?

I don’t…think that’s how chains get…stronger…which part flows?

Rob and Jessica are getting along great, well, she likes his energy but it might be his attention she’s interested in.

*There are a lot of things they call people who are open about wanting attention, none of them suitable for transcribing without a lot of *&%(&^^. However, I’ve been listening to the Most Empathetic Podcast In The World and they pointed out: what’s wrong with enjoying being adored? Life is hard, having someone be nice to you is not the worst thing in the world, so suck it, naysayers, and you drink in Rob’s attention, Jessica, take it all. I’ve been thinking similar thoughts about guys who look like Pete. It’s super easy to call someone like that narcissistic, dumb and vain, but he clearly works really f***ing hard on his physique, snaps, bro.

Hannah calls the party over at 2 am, oooh Lara and Pete get their own cab! So she can fall asleep immediately and he can cuddle her somnolent adorableness.

It’s chaos back on the boat, I think Alex peed his pants? Maybe that’s Rob…anyway, Pete tries to find Lara for a goodnight hug but tells us it wasn’t even going to be sex. “It was going to be making love. It’s gonna happen.”

You know, I bet he does well on the scene. Anyone that oblivious with that much confidence AND Popeye arms probably polls well in various enclaves.

Lara wakes up at 6 am, 3 hours before everyone else and goes…where? We don’t know. Most everyone else is up by 9 and on deck by 10 but Alex spends an extra 11 minutes pooping and Malia isn’t happy.

Hannah starts looking for Lara at 10, it’s only two hours until they take on guests but Lara is nowhere to be found. She’s still looking an hour later when Lara instead radios Captain Sandy. Lara’s on the deck, she’s not comfortable and she’s quitting. Don’t turn around, Lara.

I kind of love that Captain Sandy gently took the radio from her hand as soon as she said she was leaving.

However. I’m torn. I can see how sad Lara is and how uncomfortable she was with being talked about by someone just a couple of meters away. It’s just that: she picked the fight and kicked it up to 100 before the first day of charter was even done. So.

With 45 minutes to go before charter, Captain Sandy calls everyone into the galley to explain the situation and sends someone into Lara’s bunk to pack up her stuff. Let’s go, team!

Pete helps Jessica pack Lara’s stuff, he slides his card into her luggage because he’s bummmmed. He brings her suitcase to her and gets a hug in return, this is gonna be tough for him. He literally cries while wiping down the deck, for longer than he actually spent with her. He didn’t even know her NAME.

Hannah and Jessica are STOKED! But it’s going to be a tough charter down a stew, especially the more experienced one.

Provisions show up, Pete cries in his bunk and feels sorry for himself, it’s the story of his life not to be lucky love.  Aww, Pete, you just need to oil up your muscles or something, you’ll meet someone. You can be happy now living without her, lots of women like a man who refers to himself in the third person and kisses his own arms! Oh oh oh ohhh oh.

Everything seems to be cut very fine today, provisions don’t show up until twenty minutes before the guests arrive, that’s crazy late.

Hannah and Jessica have a really hard time putting together the folding crib, I know exactly what to do with those! I would help people in department stores, for real. Pete also knows the drill, being the dad of an almost-nine year old boy, he’s able to get it set up right away. There’s a trick to it, you’ve got to pull the sides up sharply.

The guest arrive, look how cute everyone but the guy with inherited money is! It’s a beautiful life.

Hannah takes everyone on the boat tour, I don’t remember a blue room! Do you remember this room?

The deck crew works hard in bare feet to get the luggage on board and The Wellington off dock awwww the little boys are so CUTE!!!

They drop anchor in the middle of a really pretty area, but the weather has turned relatively ugly and no water toys can come out to play. The water slide is deployed, but once the wind starts messing with it, it has to come in too.

We’ve got a communication issue about lunch, Jessica carefully and tidily set the table on the aft deck where the slide was also set up by Malia and Alex. They’re stowing the slide now but it won’t be out of the way in the next five minutes, which is when Kiko will start sending out lunch to the hungry guests.

Pete decides to throw the slide out over the railing so it’s out of the way just as Captain Sandy directs Malia to leave it on deck. She radios down, then comes to the deck to show them where to put it as the deck crew wonders aloud WTF.

Pete and Alex babysit the boys while the adults eat, it’s making Pete miss his son. Could it be that all that he wants is another baby? But he’ll be gone tomorrow. Hm. Why isn’t the nanny watching the boys?

Captain Sandy is worried enough about the weather that she decides to pull anchor and head to another spot. Malia starts sending her crew around but takes exception to one of the guys saying he’ll follow Pete to learn anchors. Since Pete doesn’t know the anchors yet either, everyone should be coming to her for learning, GET IT?

Malia leads an excellent docking back in Parma, awww, that’s no fun being in a floating hotel. I hope the weather clears up for our shirtless mogul.

Two musicians arrive with very little English and some fun looking instruments, Hannah stashes them in the crew mess and promptly forgets them. To be fair, she is down a steward and also checking on the baby regularly, so she may have been distracted. Kiko sends out an eight piece Spanish tapas menu, everything looks great!

An hour after they board, the musicians are brought to the dinner table. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as Spanish bagpipes, that’s awesome!

The guests go to bed before midnight, which is super early for a first night on charter and a lucky break for our crew. They really, really need another camera-ready stew, and fast.

The guests dig into breakfast; Captain Sandy calls Malia up to the bridge for a chat. How is everything going? Well, some of the guys have been late more than once, but Pete calling her sweetheart and sweetie over and over is starting to grind. Captain Sandy is furious when she hears that, calling the whole crew to the bridge for a Come to Jeebus Meeting.

She lays it out very clearly, and Malia seconds it: don’t call her sweetie, sweetheart, she’s not your friend, she’s your boss. If you don’t like it, get the eff oot. Copy that?

We don’t find out if they agree (of course they do) because we’re done for another week! Next week we get another second stew, but it’s someone we already know wooo! Someone Hannah has a problem with…hmmm. who could that be? Bugsy wouldn’t come back, would she? She really only needs to be chief stew, though…I’ll do some thinking. Until then, cheers!