Below Deck Mediterranean S5:E15 Shot Through the Heart and Ibiza’s to Blame Recap

Hi! It's the best part of the week, it's time for Below Deck Mediterranean, yay!! We've got the Damons still on board, a maybe-Michelin-starred chef and one grouchy couple sharing one tiny little room below deck. Rolling into my Below Deck Med S5:E15 Shot Through the Heart and Ibiza's to Blame recap after the break!

Last we saw our crew, third steward Jessica More was experiencing some scary heart palpitations while enjoying some water sports, bosun Malia White is also our medic on board so that's who's caring for her now. Deckhand Alex Radcliffe watches from close by, Malia radios Captain Sandy Yawn to fill her in.

Primary Johnny Damon and his co-Primary Michelle Damon and friends are all partying at the O Beach Closing Party, someone's got second steward Aesha Scott pinned down on a daybed! It's Primary Michelle and she's determined to get some alcohol in Aesha, hahaha.

That probably totally won't get her fired. Like, mostly for sure.

So Jess has been dating deckhand Robert Westergaard, who couldn't wait to tell her he loves her but also is keeping contact with the woman he was dating seconds before dating Jess. He thinks maybe her anxiety is over his actions; he does not go see how she's doing but rather talks to another deckhand about it.

Dude. You said you LOVE her.

Captain Sandy takes Jessica's blood pressure, she had a heart attack a few years back so she doesn't mess around. Captain Sandy texts a cardiologist friend all of Jess's blood pressure readings, awww, she didn't even have to ask Dr. Google.

Rob's all over Jessica as she appears on deck, she's worried that she's too exposed in this brand new relationship. She heads to her bunk for a nap as the guests decide they want to come back to the boat. Primary Michelle must be tired after hovering over Primary Johnny's face all afternoon.

Aesha radios Malia, who stops cuddling with chef boyfriend Tom Chekkets (are they still together?? Did anyone check Instagram?) to dig out the tender to grab the guests from shore.

I don't know if you know Primary Johnny Damon, but he doesn't just rent yachts and cuddle his wife, he used to play baseball? Like major league stuff? Right now he's as schwasted as someone can be and still be upright, they're making him try to hit biodegradeable balls into the ocean. It's not going well.

It's time for a late 20's themed dinner party, woooo! The guests are loaded but appreciate chief steward Christine 'Bugsy' Drake's fancy table setting and all the costumes.

*Awww I am so slow, I just wondered for the first time if Bugsy got her nickname because of her glorious and oversize chompers. They're gleaming white, tho!

Captain Sandy watches patiently as an extremely shitfaced Primary Johnny attempts a toast, but she pays even more attention when he says he wants his tiny steak cooked more. I don't even know how Primary Johnny can seeeee anything through the slits that have replaced his eyes, but he knows what he likes!

The steak is excellent, everyone cleans their plates and loves the dessert even more. It looked much fancier than eating Chipits out of a bulk bag in the dark at 10:00 pm on a night where you had a work meeting and two work calls right around 9:30 pm.

It's 1 am and the guests show no sign of stopping. Aesha tries to get some banter going in the galley but Bugsy just looked taken aback when Aesha called her a "sh*tstain." Urm. Yeah. I'm guessing Aesha is used to working around mostly 17 year old boys?

It's 3:00 am before the guests call it a night, but Primary Johnny takes a leak off the deck first.

(I literally don't know one man who wouldn't do that, if given half a chance. Oh shut up, you know you would)

Jessica and Rob are both on early shift, but she's the only one who gets up. She hears Alex radioing for Rob and runs down to their room to wake him up, Malia is not going to be happy.

It's 7:23 am when he rolls onto deck, that doesn't sound that late but when you work steps from your bed and others are relying on you: it totally is. They run a pretty lean crew, I guess all the better to share the tip with?

Even though he's half an hour late, almost, he has time to kiss and cuddle Jessica, who's actually doing her job. That's where his boss Malia finds him, cuddling Jess while she's setting the outside guest table.

Malia takes a bleary look around and notices immediately that very little outside work has been done. Alex didn't even have to rat Rob out, his lack of work did that itself.

Rob just responds very poorly to literally any negative feedback or constructive criticism that I can't see this being a good day to be on The Wellington deck crew.

Bugsy gets up at 9, checks on Jessica's table and heads into the laundry room to compliment her third stew on how great it all looks. She calls it investing in someone but really it's just good management. Then Bugsy goes upstairs and takes the credit for a great laundry room from Captain Sandy. Okay, no she gives Jess the credit, never mind.

They set anchor; Jessica is called to the bridge by Captain Sandy.

She doesn't get it.

We're only an hour and a half until guest departure, they're still snoring away in their rooms although Tom's been making food for four and a half hours already. Thanks to Primary Michelle's thumb, Primary Johnny and everyone is ready for breakfast at only 11:30 am, one hour until they leave.

Aesha makes it up on deck for kisses from the guests, everyone else is focused on changing into their dress whites for saying goodbye.

It's not a great docking, Rob messes up with the lines more than once. It looks bad, a giant superyacht being manned by someone who can't throw a line, twice in a row. Make that three times.

Rob overhears Malia mocking his work to Bugsy, that was not a good look, Malia.

The Damons and friends depart, that's also the first (and probably only) time we see deckhand Pete Hunziker. The Damons liked their last charter, but this one kicked it up a notch for food and service so we all wanna see what's in the envelope!

It's a quiet-ish crew cleaning the boat after, Malia takes Rob aside to remind him that mistakes happen but hustle after is all that matters. Had there been a boat on the other side, they would have lost their stern, which sounds incomprehensible but also concerning.

Aesha and Jess bond while cleaning, talking about past relationships. Aesha can't believe Jess and Rob have dropped the L bomb, are they serious?

Oh. But the tip's not great, it's $18,000 USD, which is $1500 USD each or $1300 Euros.

Huh. What else could they have done to make that trip more amazing? Nothing, that's what!

There's a weird tension in the crew mess as Aesha natters away at Rob; Jessica and Alex decide to go shopping together and it's just...off.

Now it's gone entirely south, Rob and Jessica argue full out on the dock until she walks away. Nuff o dat.

Our other couples fare better, Tom and Malia cuddle in their room and Alex and Bugsy go shopping in town. Okay, they're not quite a couple yet but they should be! So cute.

Jessica and Rob make up after showers as Tom and Malia share a romantic glass of champagne on deck. *Barf*

The crew dresses for a night on the town, Bugsy goes all out and bedazzles her eyes even. Okay! Erm. Is Bugsy trying her hand at being a domme??

Alex isn't having it, anyway.

A mime/illusionist entertains the table, so trippy! Then Jessica and Rob start fighting again, Aesha and I are all the way over it.

Everyone but Jessica and Ron are ready to party, Aesha's preeeetttty sure she partied in Ibiza before but has no actual memories of same. Interesting that everyone decides that Rob's an awesome guy but isn't compatible with shallow Jessica. Malia even points out that Jessica's phone background is herself, which is petty AF, Malia.

Awwwww Alex and Bugsy finally make out!!

I'm so happy for them! Let's just concentrate on them instead of Jessica freezing out Rob all night at the bar. Or Malia and Tom, who talk about getting married, naaaahhhhhh. Okay fine. Back to Jessica and Rob. Whatever.

And we're out to Jessica flipping out on Rob for flirting with Aesha. He was standing next to Aesha, showing her a party trick...how is that flirting? Well. Jessica is seeming to feel very insecure and vulnerable right now and unfortunately doesn't appear to have the maturity to deal with those feelings.

I'm just going to enjoy this in a totally non-creepy way instead of thinking about those two.

Awwwww!

Until next time! Cheers!