Below Deck S5:E09 Hot Mess Express Recap

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Hi there, we're running through the fifth season on Below Deck like a MACHINE! A three month late MACHINE! Who's ready to get back asea with Robbie Lodes and his guests on Below Deck S5:E09 ? ME TOO!

Here we are with the Primary Charter Guest Robbie Lodes and his sugargrandbaby fiancee Sara Hall screaming about her luggage not being unpacked yet.

The deck crew did take slightly longer than usual to de-dock, but I don't remember any other guest complaining as much as Ms. Hall, so I dunno. Lead Deckhand (not a thing) Nico Scholly blames everything on his new boss, Bosun EJ Jansen because of course he does. Nico's brother is coming for a visit, which means EJ is gonna get TWICE as bullied. Yaaaaay.

Third Stew Jennifer Howell unpacks Sara's luggage while telling us her coworkers (Chief Stew Kate Chastain and Second Stew Brianna Adekeye) are being mean to her like elementary school and blah blah something I work harder than everyone blah blah something.

Sara walks into the room in her tiny swimsuit and all the men forget to breathe. For real, I thought her sugargrandaddy was gonna have a fit right there on the couch.

One of the guests brought a childhood teddybear on the cruise. Eyes missing, dirty, the whole works. This is a grown adult on a grown up cruise sleeping with her childhood teddybear.

Chef Matt Burns is all relaxed now that his ex-girlfriend is ex in his mind once again, he runs through the menu with the guests after cleaning up his galley.

The guests asks for lunch, and music and then music again then malbec then MUSIC, where is the MUSIC, deckhand Bruno Duarte?? Just a reminder: Bruno doesn't work for the Interior, but he's spent an hour already looking for the Bluetooth speaker.

Sara has busted out another tiny bikini, and I do mean busted out but I'm watching this one creepy couple eyeing up Jen. She's working, you guys! Leave her alone!

A full day of drinking and water toys and changing bikinis and shots and shouting "WOO HOO" later, it's supper time and Matt is pulling out all the stops on a seafood extravaganza. It looks fab! Kate can't believe how much better his food is when he isn't staring at his phone all the time.

Time for a pajama party on the Bunny Pad! EJ and deckhand Baker Manning set up the pillow fight while Jen irons Sara's completely non-wrinkled pajamas.

EJ and Baker have been flirting and she even asked him out to dinner, but EJ is what we call a slow mover. He's quite reticent and Baker likes to holler things like "more cushion for the pushing" so I'm not sure they're a match. EJ is intrigued but cautious.

Jen delivers pajamas to that creepy couple that were checking her out earlier

The woman closes the door and takes her top off, confronting Jen with her "old titties." Gurl, if you think those are old titties, you are in for a shock once you get off Realibooby TV. Sorry, sorry, you can't do that, guests!! You can't trap a worker in your room and flash them!

The guests enjoy their pajama party, Kate is over it but Baker is jelly. The guests go to bed at midnight, it only takes the crew two extra hours to clean up. Bruno helps out in the morning, he's a good helper.

Now we have a beach party, but it's super windy. Nico steps up and insists he can handle setting it all up and taking it down at Krokus, EJ steps back to let him do so.

You know EJ, you seem like you know what you're doing, but if you don't start actually leading this team, Nico's gonna steal it out from under you.

Kate does not find Bruno so helpful when he stops by the galley and offers to set up a bar for the guests at 9:45am; she wants them focused on watersports, not booze. That's an unusual call, why wouldn't Kate want help? Why does Bruno make this face?

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Kate helps Matt get the menu ready and Bruno is lied to about limes, I don't understand why they're trying to make this a Bruno vs. Interior thing. He should clearly be working in the Interior.

Setup is going poorly on the windy beach, the tent is dead, he forgot something and the guests are getting mad. They have skin to turn to leather under cancerous UV rays!

The guests finally get ashore to complain about the cheap bubbles (Sara is a bubble connoisseur), and smoke cigars (Sara is not a cigar connoisseur) and then they want to go back because they aren't getting water fast enough.

Supper time! Ooooh first course is Vegetarian Truffle Carbonara YES PEES!

Captain Lee Rosbach calls Nico and EJ up to the bridge, he's pissssed at the picnic clusterfuck and Nico is in trouble.

So is Jen!

That's not okay, guest! Ohh but Kate chastises Jen for giving the guest mixed signals, because when the guest came into the galley, Jen put her hand on her waist. Huh. DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE THAT ARE WORKING.

I can't tell if EJ is into Baker or into sex or into women or anything but he's trying? Baker talks like a 90s Bumblebee, every single thing she says is a tagline. Word up!

It's the next morning and everyone can't wait to get rid of this extra boozy-crooz. However, the dock isn't ready for them and they'll have to wait. Or will they? They're gonna send them ashore in the tender it's the Hot Mess Express Out!

I will say one thing about this group; we had an odd mix of extreme age gaps and annoying screaming BUT: they didn't take pictures and post every damn thing as they went, I kind of love them for that. They experienced every bit of this boat and every last drop of alcohol but they didn't just record it, they were fully present and I dig that.

Except for the predatory older couple, they can fark right off.

The guests are gone, leaving $18,000 behind and an unhappy Captain. $1625 isn't bad but Bruno is dismayed to hear that Captain Lee thinks that they're mediocre, even if he can't pronounce that word exactly.

Nico's big brother Josh shows up, Jen thinks he has the potential to be an ex-lover of hers. Just. Stop.

The crew hits the beach for a night off and Nico fills his brother in on how much he hates EJ; I've never actually seen projection that strong before. He keeps calling EJ a douchebag!

I think...Jen is flirting with Josh? EJ and Baker cuddle a little but then wind puts sand in his eyes and nuthin'! Josh is definitely responding to Jen given his cheesy cheesy dance moves.

Back on the boat, EJ's got black black feet and starts yelling at everyone to wash their feet because they're tramping it all over. There's some odd shaggy blonde guy in the back one hundred times more interesting than watching this fight, but watching EJ pick a fight with the Scholly brothers was samey.

Annnnd we're out. Until next time yachtie hotties!