Below Deck S5:E08 Under Cover Boss Recap

I know, I know, you aren't seeing things, I actually DID just recap Below Deck yesterday. It's just that I have literally nothing better to do and I am super behind, so why not do a double header? Y NOT? Rolling S5:E08 Under Cover Boss after the break!

So we're back asea with Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy of The Blind Side fame; whatever the family money is, there must be LOTS of it.

We left Chief Stew Kate Chastain being sassed by third Stew Jennifer Howell, she is just sooooo slow! So slow! Kate leaves her with a FIGURE IT OUT and an empty jar for orange juice, it takes Jennifer until 3 am to not find any oranges. She checks the same cupboard over and over: still no oranges there!

There's a life lesson there, but it isn't that Kate's a b*tch, Jen, honestly.

The next morning second stew Brianna Adekeye goes above deck with Lead Deckhand (not a thing) Nico Scholly to watch the sunset, oooh Nico, you need to sort out your girlfriend back home. I can see the chemistry from here.

Brianna heads to the galley to squeeze oranges for OJ as Sean's already asked for some: lookit all the oranges in that galley!

Nico's girlfriend texts without getting an answer AGAIN. He talks with deckhand Baker Manning about not being ready to go back to the real world, he needs "backups."

BRI DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE CALLED YOU??

Nico leads the deck meeting in the morning, right next to his boss. (Canadian) Bosun EJ Jansen stands there looking like a sad elf. Honestly, we Canadians have no game.

Baker likes EJ, though, he's got a much more collaborative, teaching style of leadership and she digs it.

It's time for the guests to leave, they're all very purty and Texan and they have a BIG teep envelope! Wooooh! Kate enjoyed these people, now she's gonna be stuck with a bunch of ahole crew members.

Jen rolls out of bed at 11 am to see an adorable-looking Brianna fuming at her laziness. Bri's been up since 5 am and Jen is just not pulling her weight. Which, to be honest, can't be much, like a buckfive? I could pull that with one hand!

Kate is done with Nico bullying EJ, even if she doesn't use those words. She compares EJ to a nerd and Nico to a jock and just say it, Kate: Nico is totally a bully. A bully getting moved to a smaller room, whoop whoop!

Tip meeting time!! Everybody loved the last group of guests but Canadian chef Matt Burns gets a lot of flack for not having vanilla ice cream. The tip is $21,000 for three days, woooo! Captain Lee Rosbach is really happy with the crew and is sending them to a resort to relax.

Nico finally calls his girlfriend, who is pisssssed at how long he took to get in touch. He shouts a lot that he's WORKING but fails to mention that what he's working on is Brianna's underwears.

Similarly not having any luck in love is Matt, whose ex-girlfriend Samantha has finally picked up the phone but only to humiliate him on national TV. Wanna get together? NOPE. Glad we got to see him completely embarrassed! I guess he broke up with her, so makes sense.

Kate is moving EVERYONE around, including putting Nico and Brianna in the same room? You've got to be kidding me.

Crew resort time! Their cabana is awesome! Uh oh, Matt is drinking lots again and has lost the ability to speak clearly. He does manage to ask deckhand Bruno Duarte to be his sous chef, so Nico agrees to let him go. Without asking EJ, who is both of their bosses.

Nico and Brianna hold hands in the sun while Baker and EJ go for a wander. They like each other!

Jen's half cut, spilling out of her bikini and talking to random animals. Matt and Nico head to pee together (not a thing), Nico doesn't get why Matt is an emotional drinker. Just make out with a coworker like him! He tried, Nico, same girl and everything.

The crew heads back to the boat and Bri and Nico head to their special spot because they are totally gonna messysmash.

Yikes.

Remember what it was like when you were first falling in love, though? That's deseguys and it's kind of cool in a totally creepy way to watch.

Matt wakes up hungover, Brianna and Nico a little quiet. Baker asks EJ on a date! Yay!

Remember when we all thought Bruno was gonna get it first? He's SO goodlooking.

Kate sets up a speed test for the stews, Jen is repeatedly rude and disrespectful. It's like she thinks she's people! Okay, Kate is coming down hard on Jen but she's not been able to find a way to motivate her to do her job and she's getting frustrated. Brianna puts it best: do the work, be respectful and Kate is no problem. She's there to make money, not besties4Lyfe and I'm sure she'd rather not torture you, Jen, just do your effing JOB.

Matt and Nico go for bevvies to discuss life, can you believe how insecure Nico's girlfriend is right now? It's like he's not calling her and spending all his time making out with a female coworker!

Matt's back on the wagon (he's making me dizzy!) and talking about life as a chef. It's totally true that every single chef I ever worked with drank their faces off.

Jen talks to Bruno, crying about her being disrespected by Kate and being extremely rude. Brianna comes up to find out what's going on, but it's not the girlchat Jen is looking for.

Jen's OWT!

Brianna talks to Kate about it while Jen loudly throws things in the galley, jayzus wept.

Baker looks lovely for her date with EJ, she's so much more forward than he is. She's really trying, they're allies but I don't know about the smashing.

Brianna and Nico snuggle in bed while Jen calls her daughter.

Can I share with you a pet peeve? OF COURSE I CAN! Nobody's reading this months after it aired! It drives me mental when people on reality shows hold other people accountable for their being separate from their children. You choose to be on a show? BOOM: your choice. Nobody else's fault. Just like magic. I understand being upset that you gave up precious time with your littles for reality shite, but once again: your choice. Yay we're clear on that!

EJ has zero game. Zero

Pre-Charter meeting! You know how everyone loved the last group? That's how much they're gonna hate this bunch, lessee what we got. The Primary is Robbie Lodes from Dallas, TX and he just got engaged to his sugargrandbaby Sara Hall.

The guests want an engagement party and a pajama party because of course they do.

Nico breaks up with his girlfriend over text in between sips of water. Someone aship is giving him what he needs. He needs to take care of number one for once.

...

I will say that they didn't show ALL the texts and Melissa's response was pretty understanding, so I bet there was more stuff in between

The guest are here! They don't look stereotypical at ALL!

Sara Hall was too busy ordering around the staff to let the Captain welcome them so it took a little longer to get to the boat tour. The deckhands fetch luggage and gossip about how "f***ng hot" Primary Sara was, super classy guys.

The rest of the guests are all quiet and seem pretty nice, if only that Sara would stop caterwauling. The drinks aren't right, where's her bikini, where's her vodka, let's get this party started!!

See, the deckhands had to help the crew get off the dock so they didn't have time to get the luggage put away and that is not okay for Miss StripperPole 2015, she hates this!

Actually, I shouldn't say that about dancers, they're usually WAY cooler and wouldn't play this shite. Millennial sugargrandbabies are the WORST. Until next time!

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