Hi there, welcome time travelers to Below Deck from November of 2017! Almoooost done this season, who's still with me??! Rolling S5:E011 after the break
We open with third stew Jennifer Howell and second stew Brianna Adekeye cleaning up after the guests go to bed, their boss chief stewardess Kate Chastain is punishing both of them by making Jen stay up and do dishes.
Bosun EJ Jansen is leaving tomorrow when the guests depart, he takes this last chance to cuddle deckhand Baker Manning and get the party started for real. Just kidding, he does a pushup next to her and talks like a greeting card given to someone you don't know well.
I am so disappointed in disguy.
Baker did everything but kiss herself, come on EJ! Maybe he doesn't know he's asexual? Or doesn't want to talk about it, you do you, EJ. And ONLY you apparently.
It's the next day and guess who's tired and grumpy about having to work? I am so torn about Jen, most of the time I think she's harmless but annoying and clueless, some times I think she's harmless, annoying, clueless AND unnecessarily dramatic and this is one of those last ones.
Captain Lee Rosbach wasn't able to get the yacht off the dock yesterday thanks to the weather, so he pulls the Valor out for a spin. Lead deckhand Nico Scholly finally admits he has been a complete dick to EJ and everyone else and vows to be better 15 whole minutes before it's time for EJ to get off the boat. Whatever man, deuces.
Jen was too busy pouting to listen to what was for breakfast, so she can't answer the guests when they ask her. She makes a point to blame that on someone else, though, this is why I never could work well with the Jennifers of the world.
It's Eggs Benedict!
Guest Eden Alpert thinks it's bland.
Guest debarking time! Now this is a first, the Primaries aren't even saying goodbye and doing a speech to the crew, it's Eden Alpert and guess what she didn't like? NO, GUESS? Did you know she has a restaurant? And that everything would have been sent back? I mean, it's not as though she kept her dislike a secret, she told the stews she hated the food and didn't think it was good enough, so chef Matt Burns shouldn't have been surprised, but there he is: looking shocked.
The Primaries left?
It's time for the tip meeting in the crew mess and I'm not even excited. The guests accepted that they couldn't get off the deck, but did they really? Because that was a weirdly dickish move. I have to wonder how the tip will go but it's not bad, $15,000.00 which means $1,325 each.
Captain Lee drops the bomb that EJ is leaving, Nico about pees himself with relief and hey, Captain Lee's wife Marianne is coming to visit!
Jennifer makes this about her, she's the only one *pouty face* hasn't gotten any wuvving.
EJ packs and Nico shittalks, man I don't like Nico's attitude. He talks about making it great like it was before EJ got there and DUDE: if it was great, Captain Lee wouldn't have brought EJ in, you hoser!
Goodbyes! I mean
Boat turnover time! New guest are coming, Primary Shelly Snoddy and her 7 ladyfriends, Ultimate Girls Trip! The only other names I caught were Darla Jobkar and Suzy Fehlig but everyone looks of a certain age and this should be fun. Matt's on the hotseat as Captain Lee didn't enjoy the takedown of his work, and that wasn't even the first time. Get yer game face on, Canuck! We're also getting another deckhand and I think I know who this is. Nico says he's happy, but he's a dick about coworkers.
Awww, Marianne, Captain Lee's wife is here and he can't stop touching her, he's so happy.
Brianna and Nico are heading ashore to a hotel, I love that he at least wants the rest of their first time to be off-camera.
Supper time and everyone is so dressed up! I do love Marianne and Skinny Kenny Rogers together, they've been married for 42 years and it's work, yo. Says the divorcee. Brianna and Nico head off together to the hotel and the rest of the gang heads back to the boat.
The guests for this charter want a Caribbean-themed party, which Kate can't believe she's never done! Me either!
New deckie is here, wooo, it's Kyle Dixon from another season!
He's fun but things got a bit...weird with me and a commentor over how he talked about his relationships. He looks like he's put on weight and a bunch of neck tattoos, welcome Kyle!
Quick synopsis: he and his girlfriend Ashley broke up and he has another daughter. I started when he said that because no way it was with Ashley (who is transgender) but maybe they adopted or he knocked someone else up while blind drunk.
He's been gone so long that Kate was a lesbian when he was last aship! Captain Lee doesn't care what his crew looks like as long as they keep their body parts straight.
Time for guest arrival! The guests are super colourful!
Kate goes to make drinks while the guests pray (for real) and Kyle makes friends with deckhand Bruno Duarte and Jen, who's exactly his type. "Hair, makeup, very expensive chest" he's into that. Also the crazy he says, but he needs to stop making snap judgements and get to know people's exact brand of crazy before trying to get them blind drunk and pregnant.
Nico offers to get toys for the guests, they want to know 'WHAT KIND OF TOYS??!!" and for him to take his shirt off.
The guests love Matt's food, these ladies are going to be awesome! They just want to have fun and do the splits for Nico.
Kyle and Bruno are talking now, he's not just into chicks, he doesn't even need a vagina these days. He's got good gaydar, saying Bruno isn't into chicks exclusively, right? Bruno considers himself about hearts, he falls in love with the person, not the gender and I will just say: his boyfriend is hawt AF. Bruno might not consider himself gay and that's his choice, course, but that is how he literally tags himself on Twitter.
Twitter is life, right??
Jen and Kate have this weird convo
Which Jen finds horribly offensive because she was MARRIED, tyvm. Um, you said she was whoring around first, Jen, what?
Everyone loves Kyle!
Oh Jen comes at Kate for the "lowblow" of suggesting she was a whore and her daughter is a trick baby? I DON'T KNOW but Kate and I do know that Jen brought up the whole whoring talk first and it's actually hurt Kate's feelings.
Jen is lockerroom poison. You try to get along with her, help her whiny bum that doesn't pull her weight and spends all her breath complaining that she does everything and then she goes and calls you and whore and yells at YOU for responding.
Now Jen's invoking the other age-old reality show mantra that "kids are off limits" and it's like she missed the point and is now attempting to bludgeon Kate with it.
Supper time! Captain Lee has lost confidence in Chef Matt, so he's hanging around the galley much more than usual. He doesn't like at all what he sees, which is Bruno planning the next's day's menu and suggesting changes to the current meal.
Bruno...you know I love Bruno because he's very customer service oriented. However. There's an arrogance to him that does not bode well for his future on the boat. His answer to the Captain was lacking any kind of deference and when Captain Lee went outside to eavesdrop, he heard more borderline backtalk. Eeh
Kate has lined up a performer for the night, she's amazing!
Kyle has never been one to let the grass grow under his feet, it's his first day and he's already asked Jen out. I can't tell if she agreed or not.
Captain Lee's made up his mind and Bruno is out of the galley, which worries Kate because Matt relies on Bruno a LOT.
I hate listening to Jen complain about Kate. I hate listening to Jen full stop. How many more episodes are there this season?
Now Captain Lee calls Matt up to the bridge; pull out all the stops! Nothing is blowing him out of the water and it needs to. Er.
Matt complains about Captain's complaints: he's had a tough charter season! People haven't liked his food because he's been phoning it in between actually trying to phone his ex-girlfriend and in between that and his binge drinking he's exhausted!
I would like to feel bad for you, Matt, but if you read your comments back you will realise those were ALL YOUR FAULT. And these guests paid a lot of money for salad with chicken on it, ya know? Pull it together!! And we're out, just in time because if one more person whined at me...until next time!