Fleabag is the hottest thing going right now, isn’t it? Phoebe Waller-Bridge is all over pop culture, with her hit Killing Eve and this gem right here. She was also in Broadchurch and I want to say Apple Tree Yard, but I’ll have to confirm. ANYWAY, Fleabag! It’s awesome and it’s rolling after the break!

We open with Fleabag (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) and SexySwearyPriest (Andrew Scott) trying on robes; they both like the last one better.

Walking on the street, we get all kinds of side commentary, perhaps he can’t read her mind as we thought? But he does have

and

But then she mixes up what she’s saying to us and to him, he’s quite brought up short by “his BEAUTIFUL neck.” He arm-touches her into a Quaker meeting; which is very intense and very quiet. Also either neurotic or erotic. If you want to say anything, it has to be spoken aloud.

SexySwearyPriest stares at the ceiling while Flea wonders frantically what he’s thinking and I just stare at how dreamy Andrew Scott is.

Flea is compelled to her feet, speaking almost against her will “I sometimes worry that I wouldn’t be such a feminist if I had bigger tits.”

*Speaking as someone whose rack could not be any larger and be upright: what the SAM HILL does that have to do with anything?

It makes SexySwearyPriest laugh, anyway. They leave, he was having a lovely peaceful time then suddenly he was thinking about her chest, what was that?

He’s at the cafe!!

And asking all sorts of personal questions AND noticing she’s talking to us again. I am trying to follow, but the man is cuddling a guinea pig FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

WHAT

And then he says he’s there to help her. She Canadian kicks him out, suggesting she’s about to get a customer any minute and taking her guinea pig back. She’s not ready to let him in that far, and I fully agree with that choice. He’s not available. On the other hand: perhaps talking to a genuine person who actually gives a shit is just what she needs, whether she can bed him or not.

She walks, crying, her best friend Boo (Jenny Rainsford) is everywhere and then we’re back at her mother’s funeral. Unfortunately, Flea looks glorious, her skin glowing and hair falling just so, nobody can stop talking about it. Godmother (Olivia Colman) is going through a hair-down stage and Flea’s sister Claire (Sian Clifford) looks as edgily contained as ever.

Boo watches Flea and Claire argue about whether Godmother is trying to hump their dad (Bill Paterson) – totally is – and suddenly I see how important Boo was to Flea. I mean, I knew it, but Boo was us before we were there, someone Flea could sideye and snort with as her awful family kept on being awful.

In case you didn’t watch the first series (WHAT), Boo died when she attempted a romantic gesture that went straight south. That romantic gesture was to impress the fella she’d been dating, whom she had sensed was cheating on her. He was, and with Fleabag, her best friend. Flea has been trying to deal with the shame and grief of loss ever since. Look, I got into a fight with someone about it in the comment section and I stand by this: Flea was not responsible for Boo’s decision to walk into a (murderously fast) bike lane. Her actions may have influenced Boo’s, but I don’t believe you can take responsibility for any one else’s choices, unless you deliberately tried to do so, and even so: people make their own choices in the end. Neither Flea or Boo thought there was any chance that Boo might die, and certainly Flea had no idea that accepting the pass of Boo’s boyfriend would lead to the end of her best friend’s life. It was definitely a shitty friend move, I’m not denying that, and I’m so sad that Flea jeopardized her amazing friendship over some loser. You can see why her family treats her like a spoiled brat. But everyone makes mistakes and that’s what that was: a giant painful error. Shutting up. Sorry!

Back to the funeral! Where Flea’s boyfriend Harry (Hugh Skinner) seems much more upset than Flea. Godmother counsels the sisters after, she will always be there long after everyone else has gone. Always.

Flea finally talks to her devastated dad, who is…jealous of how effortlessly kind and fun his dead wife was. Flea takes that as a compliment as Godmother interrupts as creepily as possible.

*Hahahahahahahaha I love Olivia Colman

Flea finally cries, to be stopped by her father and told to buck up. They’ll be okay.

Back in the present, she sits alone in a church, thinking about Boo. She didn’t know what to do with all the love she had for her mother, Boo will take it! “It’s got to go somewhere.”

ah god, we’re Boo.

Flea hears JLo music playing in the church and goes to investigate. Is she seriously in HIS church?? She is.

Jaysus. Full on gasped.

He’s schwasted, waxing drunken nostalgic about Winnie the Pooh and trying to reach something on high. It’s hard liquor and he’s an alcoholic like his parents, yes? They do a toast “here’s to peace and those who get in the way of it.”

We’re all trying to gauge just HOW drunk he is and the answer is showing her his first robes shitfaced. He sometimes wonders if he’s only in it for the outfits.

He’s asking questions again, but she can’t answer so he leads her to a confessional, which he talks her into. It’s aching and painful and actually honest, when she says she just wants someone to tell her how to live her whole life, we cry as she begs him to just tell her what to do.

Then he says “kneel” and every hair stood up on my body.

AND

My god. I’m pretty sure I died. They kiss and tear at each other’s clothes and it’s frantic and passion but a picture falling at the back of the church snaps him out of it and suddenly it’s over.

I will need a full five minutes in my bunk followed by a cold shower, brb.

Wow. What is this show doing to us?? Laughing all the while, then crying one minute, in our bunks the next, good lord. We’re out.

I don’t think Fleabag was a danger to SexySweary until this very moment; I thought he was an old hand at deflection and enjoyed her company while able to state plainly that they would not become intimately involved.

And then this

Flea looked much less triumphant after their makeout session than I would expect, more tentative and a shade sorry but ultimately: thwarted.

A long time ago, when I was very young, I wanted to be an actress so that I could kiss Richard Gere like in Pretty Woman. I don’t think I’ve felt that same pull to another actor since but Andrew Scott is unbelievable. Brendan Coyle in Spotless MUST be mentioned in that same class.

I find I have so many questions I didn’t think about previously; why did Flea sleep with Boo’s boyfriend anyway? Why didn’t she tell Boo it was her? But really: WHY? Even Flea understood how important their relationship was, she gave her all her mother-love! How/why did Godmother move in on Dad, who here found her annoying? Is Flea like her mom? Why did Claire marry the impossibly gross Martin? Until next time, which needs to be REALLY SOON, cheers!