Fleabag S2:E05 Nine Recap

Hi everyone and welcome back to Fleabag, where we're not even responsible for our reactions, are we? No. We are not. Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Andrew Scott have us twisted up like sweaty pretzels, I canea WAIT to see what happens this week after last episode, so let's get right to it, shall we? After you!

Okay FINE so we're not starting back where we left with Flea (the amazing Phoebe Waller-Bridge) and SexySwearyPriest (the divine Andrew Scott), instead we're having a drink with hot misogynistic attorney (Ray Fearon).

She's trying to convince us and as much herself that he's funny and awesome and smart and he's maybe one of those things but more importantly: not SexySweary and totally wants to have sex.

Flea is skeptical, but convinced mid-romp. She runs into her sister Claire (Sian Clifford) on her walk of shame (I know it's feminist and all to say Walk of No Shame, but when she looks like she regrets even breathing, it's the first); Claire's carrying an obnoxiously large bunch of flowers which Flea only just manages to not throw up on.

Oh they're off to sit for Godmother (the fabulous Olivia Colman), their dad (Bill Paterson) is there too! Oh shite, so is SexySweary, what IS it about him?? I'll give you five and ten Flea will puke on or near him.

Oh no. SexySweary isn't doing the wedding. Flea and I are even more devastated than Godmother, wow does he look trim in his little collar. Mm. And he's lying, so he's skipping Godmother and Dad's wedding to avoid Fleabag.

We all watch Godmother to watch her explode, but she's surprisingly understanding, really, everyone is shocked. I do NOT want to see Godmother when she realises that Flea is sort of responsible, she barely gets SexySweary out the door before screaming "WHAT A C***!!!!!!!" at the top of her lungs.

Sitting cancelled! Flea and Claire run away, Flea ends up on a bus bench, where SexySweary finds her.

Ah no. He's staring at her mouth

And then he tells her to please not come to the church again.

I don't even drink and I feel hungover and full of shame and regret.

It's Chatty Wednesday in the cafe again, even though she pretends it's Quiet Tuesday to Joe (David Hargreaves) who unfortunately understands how calendars work and so persists. Oh and here's a friend from season one of Fleabag, it's the Bank Manager (Hugh Dennis) and he looks sweaty.

*Quick recap of series one with the Bank Manager! Flea met with him to ask for a bank loan, accidentally removing most of her top and receiving his ire as he'd just been on an enforced sexual harassment training course. They ended as friends, he's the one who brought series one full circle for us, that even if you make mistakes, you can move on, start over, when he brought her loan application to her cafe for a do-over.

He's been offered a new job, just stopping by to say goodby and drop off a hamster named Stephanie that he thinks is a guinea pig. Claire calls crying and in a panic, Flea runs off and leaves Bank Manager in charge.

Claire's had a haircut.

Anthony (Kardiff Kirwan whom I know from somewhere, but not his IMDb) swears that's exactly what Claire asked for! Besides, it's just hair, it's not everything!

Oh. Claire got exactly the cut she asked for. "If you want to change your life, change your life. It's not going to happen in here."

Never a truer word spoken.

They get deep into sibling bonding immediately after, Claire actually calm and open enough to speak about her miscarriage. She felt relieved, she didn't want her husband's baby.

**Listen, her husband Martin (Brett Gelman) is the biggest ahole on this show and that's saying something, given that the adorable and toxic Godmother is with us as well. I totally get not wanting to procreate.

Claire even feels relaxed enough to ask Flea how she's doing, that ends as soon as Flea says she's seeing a priest. Flea's Claire's f***ing hero!

Claire's "partner" workmate Klare (Christian Hillborg) pops out of the woodwork to exclaim over her haircut, he loves it! He invites her to a music festival, but she has to drop off her stepson's bassoon...Flea takes it and runs back to the cafe where Bank Manager is looking very much at home.

He tells her there is a man waiting for her

and it's not SexySweary. It's Martin. I loathe Martin, but then I'm supposed to. It's not so much that he's abusive, although he can be, it's that he's an obnoxious bore with a serious drinking problem and inability to maintain boundaries.

His composure finally cracks; is Claire leaving him? Flea hopes so (SHE SAYS TO HIS FACE) and then he begs her to not let Claire leave him.

A fast verbal fight later and Flea realises she better call her lawyer. The hot misogynist one who gave her nine orgasms, whom she's waiting for at her door wearing a thin layer of coconut oil and a trenchcoat.

**Aww this is a throwback to series one where she used to do that for Arsehole Guy's booty calls.

But it's not her lawyer at the door.

(I'm sorry, I can't not gif every single thing he does!!)

We all forget to breathe. She has nothing on under that short trenchcoat.

He's going to do the wedding, he can't let them down like that. Meanwhile, Hot Misogynist is ringing the doorbell over and over yelling "I'M BACK!!!"

I laughed for a minute straight over that.

She is forced to answer the door with all the screaming, only managing to get rid of him by telling him he is the best sex she's ever had. 9 orgasms. SexySweary is listening to everything, his eyes moving faster and faster as he digests. Flea finally gets her lawyer out the door.

SexySweary cuts to the chase, he can't be physical with her. Flea banters back; loads of priests have sex, most don't burst into flames, we Googled.

That was devastating to me, but Flea read it differently. She tells us that means they're going to have sex. He hates it when she talks to us! Hates it! But he knows now.

Yup.

Wow

And then she pushes the camera away when the throwing down is on! She's never done that before! We're out.

I'm not going to say how many times I watched that ending, but it might be close to 9. There's something unique in the exhilaration in getting something you want more than anything that you know you shouldn't have. Until next time, which I hear is the last time, cheers!

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