Hi guys!! Ready for some Game of Thrones recapping tag-team style with Veronica and myself? I THOUGHT SO! Rolling all the spoilers after the break for S7:E3 The Queen's Justice.
We open on the beach at Dragonstone ZOMG ZOMG Daenerys Targaryen (Emila Clarke) and Jon Snow (Kit Harington) are FINALLY GONNA MEET!!
Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) and Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) are awaiting Jon's adorable royal re-woke arse, he's being escorted by Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham). Oooooooh I hope he sees Melissandre (Carice van Houten) and settled that outstanding Shireen score.
Tyrion leads the welcome wagon; he and Jon compare scars, which are many,"it's been a long road. But we're both still here."
Bandiage aside, its time to hand over that big sword, Jon! Missandei smiles when she says it, at least. A Dothraki in enough guyliner to make Jason Mamoa blush relieves Jon personally of his weapons, whodis?
VS: Budget Khal Drogo. Everyone look like the store brand version after Jason Momoa.
Ser Davos makes small talk with Missandei, who was born on the Isle of Naath because apparently it's important that we know this. Tyrion's busy with the old "I Totally Did NOT Bone Your Sister When I Was Sham Married To Her" chitchat with Jon, hooo I'd forgotten how bloody incestuous this show is.
Like, not just literally, but figuratively too.
VS: How come Sansa and Tyrion aren't still married? Obvs it wasn't consummated, but I don't remember them ever divorcing? I guess the no sexy times was enough for Ramsay. Ugh. No wonder Sansa is gonna lose her shit at some point.
Some more catching up until Drogon does a fly-by and everyone hits the dirt.
Hahahaha Jon peed himself! I think Davos just dropped an onion.
VS: Davos - WHAT THE FOOK
Lord Varys (Conleth Hill) finds Melisandre atop a cliff (NOW JUMP OFF, THERE'S A GOOD RED WOMAN), so that's why she didn't want to meet the gang. He didn't take her for a "bashful girl"...some delicious banter later (I adore Lord Varys) and veiled threats later, Melisandre takes her leave for Volantis. But don't worry, Varys, she'll be back in this country to die, JUST LIKE YOU. Oh I didn't like that. You touch ONE HAIR on..er, one silk robe on his body!
VS: Now, I think Varys is gonna be something mystical himself. I've said it before, the boy is magic. My favourite theory about him is that he is a merman. So good.
The fabled meeting of Daenerys Targaryen, lady of four thousand titles and..Jon Snow. "He's King of the North," supplies Ser Davos.
VS: I love you with all my heart Ser Davos. If only Tormund were there for even more lols.
Dany calls Jon a Lord, not King, Davos protests and we get a history lesson and I try not to fall over from rolling my eyes. Jon's not there to bend the knee, however.
And if she's not responsible for her raving madman of a father, then he's not responsible for the vows of his forefathers, deal? And he doesn't want to rule with her. Now let's haggle over some dragon-glass!
You know last time we thought we saw a big battle with the Greyjoys and the Sands meeting in a bloody war at sea? That was NOTHING compared to watching Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen fight about what has to be done first: kill the Night King or take five seconds and bend the knee so they can scoot over and start the victory tour of the Seven Kingdoms with Dany at the head.
They end at an impasse, a detente is called for the evening.
VS: That was cool, these two have been through A LOT in their short lives. If they can hammer out some kind of accord, that doesn't involve an incestuous marriage, I will be pleased. I wish Melisandre had been able to show Dany something in the flames that would make her see what was coming. I get that she needs to piss orf out of Dragonstone before Jon and Davos get there, but what's the point of your red magic if you don't use it to help get what you want? Eh.
Speaking of the Greyjoys! Lord Varys runs into the throneroom as Jon and Davos are lead away with the news of the Ironborn's rousing defeat asea. Theon (Alfie Allen) being alive while Yara (Gemma Whelan) isn't means he didn't protect her, so.
Euron (Pilou Asbaek) is making his own Shame Walk through King's Landing with Yara, Ellaria Sand (Indira Varma) and one of her annoying daughters.
They're cheering for a Greyjoy, he loves it! He's 'CITED. Yara..less so.
Queen Cersei (Lena Headey) loves her engagement present, she practically pants when she sees Ellaria! Her brother/lover Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) less so, but that's probably because Euron is such a disgusting fcking pig. He actually tells Jaime he'll be asking him for advice later; you know, "does she like it gentle or rough? A finger in the bum?"
Too cartoonish, Euron.Come on.
VS: Yawn. I'd take a Joffrey or a Ramsay any day over this Evil Cap'n Pugwash. All the Greyjoys are scum, who cares? I do have a little soft spot (snort) for Yara, but that's only because I love Gemma Whelan. And I can't even look at Theon right now.
Now we're in the dungeon with Cersei monologuing at Ellaria Sand and her daughter. Mostly at Ellaria, about her choices and the death of her lover Oberon because of his choices, really, it reminds me of being at a playground and a woman screaming "WE'RE LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOUR CHOICES!!" at her four year old because GOD FORBID YOU SAY NO! Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, we're in the dungeon with Cersei taunting Ellaria with all the ways she could kill her because she killed Cersei's only daughter Myrcella.
I think that's the first time I ever saw Cersei look even slightly human, talking about the beautiful daughter she loved who was, by all accounts, a complete innocent even with her nightmare of a mother.
I thought it was odd that Cersei stopped to refresh her lipstick mid-rant; it turns out she had Qyburn (Anton Lesser) acquire the same poison that Ellaria used and now she's kissed the Sand Snake and Ellaria has to watch her die and rot forever.
I mean this in the best way, but this is the absolute best you could come up with during ALL those sleepless nights, Cersei? Seems a bit derivative and essentially the Game of Thrones equivalent of starting an unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism. I gotta give it to Indira Varma as Ellaria, who sold it with every inch of her being, including some truly impressive head veins.
VS: I think watching your daughter slowly die, then slowly rot and turn to dust is pretty heinous myself. I was dreading this scene, sure there would be some disgusting act of violence. Nope, just some psychological torture every second of the day for the rest of Ellaria's life. Yeesh.
Cersei is all hyped up after, she bursts in on Jaime and jumps on top of him. He said NO, Cersei! She's not taking that, though (payback scene for Joffrey's wake?), unzipping (they had zippers?) his pants and kneeling before god and everyone. He stops protesting about halfway through.
They awake the next morning, hey, Cersei got some sleep! She answers the door with Jaime in full view and no clothing, she's the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and she'll do what she likes. She'll need fresh sheets for the bed, fanks.
It's just...too much, right, Veronica?
VS: Ew. I hope the prophecy the witch told of Cersei being killed by her brother is true. But it's Tyrion, not Jaime, and he does them both in. Dirty buggers. Jaime, I was coming around to liking you. Now? Nope. Nein. Non. Nyet. Noooooo. PS - I hate your short hair cut that moves whenever you raise your eyebrows.
The interruption is a banker (Mark Gatiss!! From Sherlock!) from Braavos, he doesn't want wine for brekkie? Cersei doesn't like him already. The Iron Bank wants it's gold back, thanks and ta. Cersei negotiates hard; she is very much Tywin Lannister's daughter and "a Lannister always pays their debts." Awww, I haven't heard that in ages! She gets two weeks.
VS: I would like Mark Gatiss to read me stories at bedtime and lull me off to sleep with that gorgeous voice. WTF is Cersei gonna get done in TWO WEEKS that will be enough repay the Lannister's debt?I'm scurred!
I hope Yara's okay, even though she apparently talks a lot better than she runs an army.
Tyrion is meant to be brooding on the clifftop, but there's Jon doing it so much better, he feels even worse than when he started out brooding!
Jon's pouting because he's a prisoner, though, he can't go anywhere and nobody believes him about the White Walkers!
VS: No one broods better. That wolf around the neck is very off-putting, and the greasy man bun. I thought you were offered a bath? Tyrion is looking super handsome, all curly and windblown. I really should stop with the constant ogling.
Tyrion explains gently: Dany doesn't know you, Jon, she's not about to give up her entire life's path after a single meeting with a hot guy with a tiny bum because he's telling tales about walking dead people! It's not reasonable. Now: is there anything reasonable he DOES want?
Tyrion makes a pitch for dragonglass to Daenerys on Jon's behalf; it's like they always say: "you should never believe a thing simply because you want to believe it."
Dany: who said that?
Tyrion: I dunno, whatever, some guy
Dany: "Are you trying to present your own statements as ancient wisdom?
Tyrion: pfft, whaaaaa?
VS: Dany - epic side eye.
Jon finds Dany watching her giant murderous children flit about in the air, they still can't find common ground but she'll let him take the dragonglass, chop chop.
VS: You know the best bit about this scene? No sexual chemistry. Not a whiff. Please don't force it.
Back at Winterfell, Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) is surveying the preparations for winter like she's wearing a short skirt and a long jacket. Her dashingly creepy uncle Petyr Baelish (Aiden Gillen) listens approvingly and then adds his own counsel: picture every eventuality and plan for every possible outcome. It's the only way to not be surprised, work through every scenario and your response in advance and respond as the chips fall. It's the only way to win.
She's mesmerized but called away to the gate, so he can't sink the hook any deeper.
VS: Please don't take Littlefinger from us this season, oh you Writerly Gods. He's out there playing the game, alone, and he's the kind of man who can turn a war on its head. I lurve him so, I just keep picturing everyone dead and little Petyr Baelish on the Iron Throne, having finally won but there's no one left to rule.
It's Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead Wright) and Sansa is overcome. Bran...seems pretty chill. Sansa calls him the Lord of Winterfell, as he is Ned Stark's trueborn son, but he can't do that, he's a three-eyed raven now. Nobody knows where to look when he explains that he can see and has seen everything, including the night she was raped by Bolton on her wedding night. Jeebus wept, Bran.
VS: Boo, I was hoping for Arya. Bran, we know you've been though some shite, and seen even worse, but what's with the Creepy McCreeperson? We already lost Hodor because of you, and now you're reminding your sister of the worst night of her life? Even worse, you're telling her that you saw it happen? Christ on a bike, Bran.
Heeeey, Ser Jorah (Iain Glenn) has been cured of greyscale, yay Samwell (John Bradley)!! Archmaester Ebrose (Jim Broadbent) will be seeing Samwell later in his office, hmm. Ser Jorah is heading back to see Dany, ooh, I don't know if that's a good idea. Awww, Samwell shakes his hand and everything, like he's a person!
VS: God I hope Jorah finds Dany, fella needs a new wardrobe, stat! He would look fine in some tight leather, mmm hmmm.
Ebrose starts out giving Samwell his usual load of shite for not listening to orders, but he eventually grudgingly gives him props for his tricky work. How did Sam do it?
Poor Samwell can't catch a break; he's on moldy manuscript copying duty: I'm hoping there's some awesome secret knowledge in there!
VS: Everything ever written about the Long Night, white walkers and how to defeat them in one mouldy pile. What a coinkydink!
Dany FINALLY wants to use her dragons, testing them out on Euron and his fleet is a brilliant idea! But nobody wants to let her, too dangerous, booooooo!
VS: I keep waiting for the dragons to recognise someone else as a Targaryen, giddy up Tyrion! Pull up a saddle, Jon Snow! We all know you're the three dragon riders.
Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) and the Unsullied are just now approaching Casterly Rock, which is guarded by the fearsome Lannister Army trained by Tywin himself. There's just this one thing...
Tyrion was given the job of building the sewers after the rest of the castle was built because apparently Tywin didn't understand how houses or castles work, and Tyrion built in a back door. That's right, Grey Worm and the Unsullied are literally invading right up the poop chute to glory.
*much stabbing ensues*
VS: Clong, rock to the noggin! I always thought the hot tar being poured down would be the worst, but that was obviously not on the menu. You know what I'd be doing if I was Cersei? MOAR WILDFIRE! I'd be wildfiring everything in sight.
Grey Worm knows this was too easy: where are the rest of the Lannisters??
Marching on the Tyrells, led by Jaime and Bronn (Jerome Flynn - I missed you!), don't make me choose between you guys and Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg) you arseholes. Because you won't like it.
VS: Fer crissakes Bronn, now I regret asking where you were. I guess the one thing we can count on with him is he goes where the money is. Maybe he'll end up back on the good side again eventually?Come get your boy back, Tyrion.
Jaime finds Olenna alone in her room, still clad in black. Some reminiscing later, Olenna asks about Joffrey's sword that Jaime is wearing.
And then Olenna wants to talk about Cersei, boy does she. She calls Cersei a disease, a monster, but Jaime thinks once he and Cersei have the kingdom all peaceful, well, you know: what's left of it, nobody will care about how it got that way.
He's prepared a painless poison for Olenna as a kindness, she drinks it all quickly and then. Then she tells him how she murdered his and Cersei's son with a decidedly not-painless poison while Jaime works his face in horror and we're out.
VS: As much as I love Olenna, this was SO PERFECT. We all knew her time was almost up, and holy shit she made it count. I'm no longer charmed by Jaime, he and Cersei disgust me right now and the look on his face was so worth it. I can't believe he just let her go peacefully though, I was covering my eyes in case he got all stabby stabby, head choppy.
I don't know, Veronica, this episode felt a little...melodramatic and cartoonish. I've just about had it with Jaime and his malfunctioning conscience, this man is a Kingslayer! He's got to be the one to take down Cersei in the name of righteousness but he's taking his sweet time about it. I did enjoy the view of his bum, did I mention Cersei was also walking around in the alltogether? Another thing: no way will Cersei keep Jaime around after she's won (if she wins), she's strictly a Useful Pay Patron. He's just so DUMB. And Euron has to go, like, now. Until next time!
VS: It was a bit weird, Tyrion's voiceover on the battle at Casterley Rock was just odd. I know we're moving at a rapid pace but I feel as though everything in this episode was too rushed and squished together. The Dany and Jon meeting was cool but also a bit lacking in atmosphere. The Cersei/Jaime scene I could have done without. The Euron parade I could have done without. I think the Greyjoys are getting too much focus, seriously no one curr. We want Dany and Jon, Winterfell, Whitewalkers, Arya, The Hound, reunions, flaming swords, and Cersei getting what's coming. The rest is all just filler.