It's time again for Game of Thrones; what say you about the last episode, Veronica? I could have taken slightly less exaggeration and a whole lot less graphic-ish incest, what say you? Let's find out what The Spoils of War have for us! That's Game of Thrones for you, all queasy but still begging for more!
VS: Last week was a bit silly and melodramatic, let's step it up (free)folks! Take it away Littlefinger!
I've been thinking about the mistake Daenery's team made in their first offensive and I can only come to the same conclusion as Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg): Tyrion Lannister is an extremely clever dude who talks a lot (fist pound) but his logic was flawed. Cersei isn't the least sentimental, save her preference for banging only close blood relatives, and I think Tyrion isn't going to be much help in planning. He never knew Cersei all that well. USE THE DRAGONS, DANY.
We open where we left off, with Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Costner-Waldau) rolling all of the Tyrell's dough back to pay Cersei's debts like a good Lannister, hey look, Bronn (Jerome Flynn) is finally getting some screen time. Sorry, Bronn, I've definitively declared the Lannisters The Bad Guys and as such, we can no longer hang out and braid our hair while discussing your piercing eyes. I SAID GOOD DAY SIR.
He's still whining about Jaime not giving him a castle yet anyway, he's got his eye on Highgarden. I really don't like the easy breezy way they're talking, they just killed Olenna Tyrell!!!!!! I have hope because Jaime is sending all that gold by wagon and it could totally be stolen by a band of raving marauders. I'm just saying.
VS: Tyrion is way too much of a bleeding heart to be a good military strategist. He loves Jaime and that will always hold him back a little bit against the Lannisters. It's a shame Dany let Daario go, he is a master of several fighting styles, also HAWT. Plus he can get in the middle of whatever the fook is going on between Dany and Jon, and I don't mean make it a sandwich.
I do love Bronn, but he's always been a scumbag deep down, or right in your face, actually. I don't blame him for wanting Highgarden, I'd call dibs too. But yes, Jaime has lost his allure, mebbe if he grows his hair out? And stops schlepping his sister? Nope, think I'm done.
Aww man, lookit that arsehole Randyll Tarly (James Faulkner) and his unfortunately-named son Dickon (Tom Hopper) did turn against the House Tyrell in the end, although I don't imagine they have much choice. It's just one more reason for me to hope Randyll's son Samwell (John Bradley - is he in a Witness Protection program? He might as well be named James Smith) eventually sticks a blade through his dad's belly.
VS: Dickon can get it
Tycho Nestoris (Mark Gatiss) from the Iron Bank is agog with Cersei (Lena Headey) having paid all that money back in one installment, it's almost as though she didn't murder scores of people to do so. He and the Bank have grown so used to her interest payments, surely there's something else they can finance for her? Something something about Qyburn talking to the Golden Company in Essos, they are good at recovering things and Cersei would like some stuff back. Like...Veronica? Little help? I need backstory!
VS: I just totally read his name as Nacho something or other, now I'm hungry. As to the Golden Company, I'm not sure what Cersei wants them to get back. They are a group of sellswords, maybe 10,000 or so, happy to fight for the highest bidder. In the book there are a lot of connections, but also a lot of the characters involved aren't in the show. Jorah used to fight for the Golden Company, maybe he'll get back in Dany's good books by bringing them over to her side?
Peter Baelish (Aiden Gillen) or Littlefinger as we know him is showing Bran Stark (Isaac Hempstead White) the blade that almost killed him as a wee babe, had Catelyn Stark (Michelle Fairley) not intervened. Back then Littlefinger identified it as one that Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) had been wielding, which is shite, Littlefinger can never be trusted. Like, ever. I'll still do one weekend, hair braiding optional. Call me! Sorry, sorry, where were we?
VS: Girl, you know I called shotgun on the Littlefinger first.
That lie started the war, however, was that always Littlefinger's intent or just something he used to his advantage? He offers his protection to Bran in Catelyn's place, I'm waiting to hear what Bran has to say since he's seen everything that has ever happened as the three-eyed raven. Call this dude out, ThreePeep! Oooh, I liked this but I don't know if Littlefinger did.
VS: Ooh, I'm scurred for my sneaky Bae(lish). I think he's just realised that he's no longer holds the title of Creep in the North anymore. Petyr, you in danger girl!
Meera (Ellie Kendrick) interrupts and Baelish makes a run for it before Bran can excoriate him with those unsettling eyes any longer, she's leaving. Bran's all: deuces and she can't believe it. Her brother, Hodor (WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT HODOR shit too late I'm crying already anyway), Summer and so many others died for him and he's just sitting there in his new wheelchair saying yeah, he doesn't need her anymore coz he has wheels.
Bran Stark died in that cave, he's no more. Now Bran is ThreePeep, a straight up stonecold motherhumper. Bai Meera, thanks for dragging my arse across the entire of the north, THAT'S what he meant!
VS: ARE YOU KIDDING ME BRANDON STARK? I hope that the magnificent daughter of Howland Reed sticks around and busts his balls some more. Unless it's just some reverse psychology to get her to leave so she can be a little safer. Even though she was leaving anyway. Nope, Bran Flake is just a jerk.
I forgot most people think Arya Stark (Maisie Williams) is dead, but the buffoonish guards at the gate bring it all back when they won't let her in. Lots of "f*ck offs" later and Arya is inside looking around at her old home and then gone. The guards reluctantly tell Sansa (Sophie Turner), who is looking BEAUTIFUL and knows exactly where her little sister is.
Arya's down in the crypt looking at their dad's effigy, I cried again during the whole sister hugging. And then a bit more when they talked about their dad and their stories not being over yet.
VS: Like, so dead. I'm not crying, you're crying!
Oh, and Bran's back, Sansa says in the way you talk about the family member who went walkabout and came back barking mad chewing on twigs and talking about Gaia.
Bran's sitting in the woods with Littlefinger's dagger, the sisters are confused as to why he has that? It's Valyrian steel, which means that it was someone very wealthy who wanted Bran dead. It would make sense if it was Cersei, right? I mean, Bran had just seen them dancing around their straight up and down Family Tree. Bran gives the dagger to Arya, that seemed important because they lingered on it for ages.
VS: Wasn't the assassin sent by Joffrey, trying to impress King Robert? Littlefinger knew about it of course, but he wasn't there at the time. The dagger originally belonged to Littlefinger, but he lost it in a bet to Robert so I guess by killing Littlefinger with it, things will come full circle.
Lady Brienne of Tarth (Gwendolyn Christie) and her page Podrick (Daniel Portman) watch the siblings walk across the courtyard, alive and well and protected as Brienne promised to Catelyn lo those many years ago.
Littlefinger watches with trepidation, this gang is the only honest one in the bunch and if they find out what he's done...
VS: Once Bran sees everything, Littlefinger is TOAST. Or they'll embrace him as the evil genius he is and use him in their fight against the Lannisters. Dude does know where all the bodies are buried after all.
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) wants to know alllll about the "many things" Missandei and Grey Worm got up to before he stormed Casterly Rock
VS: NO THINKING ABOUT RUMPY PUMPY DANY.
But it will have to wait because Jon Snow (Kit Harington) needs an audience with his Aunty Dany. He wanted her to see the dragonglass before they started hacking it to bits, it looks like there's a dragon made of dragonglass in there!
There are also hundreds of carvings all over the walls, made by the Children of the Forrest and the First Men, they fought together against the White Walkers! Jon makes another pitch but I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HOW CLOSE THEY ARE GETTING IN THIS LOWLY LIT CAVE.
Jon, I know you do your best work in caves, but I can't take any more incest, I just can't. You understand.
VS: NO TOUCHY! Won't someone think of the children and please just tell them that they are related? Send a raven Bran, FFS! They're so gonna bone *sigh*
Anyway, Dany will help him defeat the army of the night if he bends the knee and we're back to this again.
They come out to find Tyrion and Lord Varys (Conleth Hill), why the long faces?
Dany is furious, Tyrion's clever plan has lost her Dorne, Highgarden and the Iron Island. She's sputtering while Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) and Jon try to slink off, she's gonna run her dragons up Cersei's bum RIGHT NOW. She asks Jon: what would he do? Jon's a great one to ask, he's super good at being on the losing side of a battle.
He thinks she's different, and her being different is what has made people believe in her. If she uses the dragons to be the same as everyone else but more melty: how different is she, really?
VS: Ah Jon, I see your point but trying to be fair to everyone got you straight up kilt. They have to be prepared to match Cersei for psychoness (that is not a word), or she's gonna flatten them.
Arya finds Brienne training poor hapless Podrick in the courtyard, she'd like some training now, please! But she doesn't need it, we find as she and Needle dance around Brienne's heavy broadsword. That was glorious!! Sansa and Littlefinger watch as Arya is every inch her Spanish fencing teacher, one arm behind her back, spinning her blade and dagger like a sprite. THAT WAS AWESOME.
"Who taught you to do that?" asks Brienne. "No one" hahahahahaha so true! Littlefinger and our Arya are going to have a problem, you can see it.
VS: I think I know why there's not much grain in Winterfell cough*Podrick*cough, boy looks like he's squirrelling it away in his cheeks for Winter. Look, no shame, we all need a Winter coat. Arya is a badass, even Sansa seems a bit worried. I'm telling you the power is going to Sansa's head, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.
Davos is in rare form today, ribbing Jon about staring at Dany's "good heart" then sliding over to ooze all over Missandei They question her about her status with Daenerys, could she just leave if she wanted to? Of course, Daenerys is the queen she chose, not just the daughter of some king they never met.
VS: WTF is going on with Davos, three quarter life crisis? Is he planning on retiring to Narth, or just running there before the Long Night arrives? I'm pretty sure that Missandei is not interested, even if you do have missing appendages. Nice throwback to Stannis, the original grammar Nazi.
That's it, Davos, that was your one comedy break, now I want you back and focused on destroying the Red Woman and not acting like that One Drunk Uncle who hits on every women under 25 at the family reunion.
Theon (Alfie Allen) and his ship come ashore just then, the meeting between Jon and he is...fraught. Jon won't kill Theon because he rescued Sansa, but that it the extent of Theon's credit. Theon's come to see if Dany will help him rescue his sister Yara (Gemma Whelan) but it seems Daenerys had other stuff to do at the moment, shes not on the island.
VS: Poor Theon. I kinda feel sorry for him, but then remember all the chances he has had for redemption. I'm sure it's building up to some huge sacrifice, like himself for Jon right when it counts. Otherwise he's such a drag to keep around, poor fella.
DAMNIT the gold made it into King's Landing and Lord Tarly has a plan for hurrying up the rest; he wants to flag the slowpokes. Jaime suggests giving fair warning first, Tarly clearly disapproves.
Jaime and Bronn approach Dickon next; how did he like the battle? He didn't much, these people were his friends that he was killing. Plus the pooping while dying wasn't as glorious as he'd been led to believe.
What's the sound?
VS: Um that is quite a set of shoulders Dick-On. Old Man Tarly is a straight up see you next Tuesday, no remorse over your childhood friend Olenna? Better go whip some peasants to make yourself feel better, ok?
Jaime rounds everyone into formation as the noise grows louder..and the Dothraki horde starts across the plain.
Bronn is our realist, he tries to send Jaime off to King's Landing but all of a sudden we also have a dragon on the field and it's game over for these particular Lannister soldiers.
VS: Weeeeeee I'm flying!
We l I guess it doesn't smell like poop this time, Dickon?
VS: I think I would go poop over charred and boiling flesh. Just personal preference.
I HATE IT WHEN THE HORSES GET HURT!!!!
Omigod when the Dothraki get up on their knees to shoot arrows while riding their horses!!
JFC BRONN CHOPPED OFF A HORSE'S LEG!!! IT IS SO OVER BRONN!!
VS: I think it might have been a Dothraki that did the chopping on Bronn's horse. Poor pony, gonna be called Stumpy for the rest of his life now.
Bronn gets to Qyburn's Scorpion, but DAENERYS IS UP THERE!! And Jaime is at risk on the battlefield!!!!! I CANEA BREATHE!!
VS: That was an amazing one-shot sequence, bloody hell! Bronn should have died 863 times then, come on! I'm ready to let go of Bronn, COME ON DROGON!
Tyrion and the leaders of the Dothrakis watch the fight from above, will Tyrion watch his brother die at the hands of his army?
VS: Major props for including the Rains of Castamere in the score here, I'm so emosh! Tyrian won't let him die, there's still lub there. Bring him in, Tyrion!
Bronn misses his first shot, probably because moving dragons are so much harder to hit than stone ones, I don't think he's going to get another shot. G'bye Bronn, I barely knew ye.
Damnit, he did get another shot and he hurt Dany's dragon. Now she's on the ground, trying to pull it out and Jaime has a chance. He thinks, anyway. Tyrion and I are watching through our fingers, begging Jaime to run away to fight another day, but he's seen this tiny blonde lady and he's going for the kill.
VS: I'm betting that arrow was poisoned too. Some one call Meera and her sled!
Bronn saves him, pushing him into the water ahead of the flames, but there he sinks, endlessly into his watery grave and we are oot.
OH MY GOD VERONICA!! I almost peed myself!!
VS: I danced and cried for Arya and Sansa, cringed at Jon and Dany, cheered for Drogon, stopped breathing for the battle and sat with my mouth hanging open for Jaime. Seven Hells! I'm thinking Jaime is alive and will be captured, Bronn died saving him. Tyrion will turn Jamie against Cersei and he'll eventually fulfill the prophecy and kill her. But, if he is dead, Cersei is gonna lose it completely, man.
How can we only have 3 episodes left!? Oh yeah, I think we just blew the budget.