This is it! The end of season seven of Game of Thrones and definitely when someone important is gonna die. PleasenotBrienneorTormundPleasenotBrienneorTormundPleaseNot you picking up what I’m laying down, Veronica? Also: no more incest, peese and fanks. Let’s do this!
We open outside King’s Landing (prolly got that wrong?) with Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) and the Unsullied in formation prepared to attack and Bronn (Jerome Flynn) readying the troops behind the gates. Bronn switches things up and talks about cocks for a while as a break from talking about c*nts with Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), maybe Bronn’s growing as a person. Or ran out of things that rhymes with c*nt.
VS: I love Jaime and Bronn together, just wish they weren’t on the side of the Mad Queen Cersei. I hope Tyrion can bring them over to the Light Side before they get chargrilled by Drogon or blown sky high by Cersei.
Now comes the Dotrhraki horde and all their screaming, Bronn doesn’t look so cocky any more. There’s a large part of me that wants to see a horse take Bronn the fck out.
VS: Not the horses! Where did they get all the horses anyhow? They didn’t bring all those over on the ships did they? Must be a Horses-R-Us near Highgarden I suppose. I love Bronn but I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him right now, he’d switch sides if there was a good brothel to be had on the other side.
Ah, my bad, it’s Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) and Jon Snow (Kit Harington) heading to King’s Landing, no bloody idea where the other gang is. Oh damnit, now we’re in the thrones room with Cersei (Lena Headey) and Jaime, so let me shut up. She’s asking where Queen of the Dragons Daenerys Targarean (Emilia Clarke) is but I’m transfixed by Qyburn (Anton Lesser) and his fancy brooch: has he been the Hand of the Queen for awhile? I don’t remember seeing that before!
VS: Yes, he’s been her Hand since the end of last season. After getting his little birds to get all stabby stabby on Maester Pycelle (*squeaky fart noise*). Creepy mofo worked his way up the ranks quick smart huh?
Cersei takes a minute to explain the killing order to Ser Clegane aka The Mountain (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) aka The Hound’s uglier brother: Dany is to be killed first, then Tyrion, then Jon Snow and then he can mix it up however he likes. You have to expect that it will be The Hound vs The Mountain tonight. I fully expect The Hound to (almost) die killing his brother to fulfill his density. Jaime looks on in consternation.
VS: CLEGANEBOWL! I will be pissed if they’ve made The Hound appear more human and lovable (fuck off!) to us just to get him killed by FrankenMountain. I sense that there may be some payback flames in Ser Gregor’s future.
As the A Team heads to the meeting, Bronn wanders up with an army and hey! Brienne of Tarth (Gwendolyn Christie) and Podrick (Daniel Portman) are already there! You should see The Hound’s (Rory McCann – who plays a mean mandolin!) face when he sees Brienne, who handed him his arse many moons ago and thought she killed him.
WHY AM I TRYING TO PICTURE BRIENNE AND THE HOUND TOGETHER NOW?? I just want her to have some luvin, for the love of GOD.
VS: So confused why Cersei requested Sansa go to Kings Landing for this, as if she would knowing that Jon would be there? I know she is supposed to be loyal to the Lannisters but really, why send anyone at all? Why put our beloved Brienne in danger?? Sansa, I will come over there and kill you myself if something happens to our true Queen!
Awww, they have a little smirk talking about Arya (Maisie Williams), who very much doesn’t need anyone looking after her any more, except maybe from Petyr Baelish (Aiden Gillen). A sword won’t stop Littlefinger, though, whoever’s face is on the end of it.
They look exactly like a long-married couple talking ruefully about their youngest, who always was stubborn af.
VS: NAWWWWW I love this! Arya has been pissing me off with her Creepy McCreeper assassin booshite, but her and the Hound tripping around Westeros was the best! Her laugh when they got to the Bloody Gate at The Eyrie and found her aunt was dead, so good!
Some bantering with Bronn and they’re to it: walking into the Lion’s Den with the Mad Queen on the throne.
ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE GOING TO DIE???
We’ve got Tyrion, Jon Snow, Brienne, Podrick, The Hound, Ser Jorah (Iain Glen), Misandei (Nathalie Emmanuel), Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham), Guyliner the Dothraki and too many randoms to count all herded into a pen in the middle of the city. I DON’T LIKE THIS!!
VS: Surely after all this it’s not a trap? Right? Side note, how amazing are the locations this season?
Cersei and her entourage enter, it’s one big brilliant family reunion bash, with Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbaeck) and Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen – I don’t believe those two are related after all) glaring at each other, Cersei sneering at Tyrion, The Hound eyeing up The Mountain and HONESTLY! You could cut the tension with a knife!
Ooooh and The Hound makes his intentions clear!
VS: Euron you big cartoon character, go away! One thing I have really not enjoyed this season is the Greyjoys, almost as bad as the Sand Snakes! I like Yara and feel for Theon but couldn’t give a rats about the rest. Annnd we have the set up for the Cleganebowl! Surely that won’t fit in the finale? Next season, okay? I can’t take too much more stress tonight.
Oh of COURSE Dany didn’t take a boat to King’s Landing, duh. The fact that Cersei even has to ask
VS: Dany loves dramatic entrance. I’d be more impressed if she turned up on a bike or something. Seriously impressed seeing as they probably haven’t been invented yet in Westeros.
WHERE’S THAT BLOODY SCORPION??
Drogon drops Dany off and she strides in like, hey fellas, what’s up? Ready?
VS: If she’d burned in and dropped a skid on her BMX in front of everyone I’d be more impressed right now, just saying. Dragons are so yesterday.
Before any negotiating can get done, Euron’s got to toy with Theon some more: if he doesn’t submit right now, he’ll kill Yara. Now look, Theon was a bit of a murdery arse back in the day but I have no idea why everyone wants to emasculate him: he’s already lost his wobblies!
VS: Obvs Theon has a redemption storyline coming up, otherwise he’d still be floating around in the Dornish Sea. We’ll be queuing up Bob Marley soon, mark my words.
It’s Cersei who sits Euron down after he has a go at Tyrion, so Tyrion can carry on with logic. Blah blah fighty blah and
VS: I was wondering if it had died on the way, ohhhh, already dead . . . carry on!
Everyone but Qyburn and Jorah look horrified; Jorah’s about peeing himself, saying “wait for it!!! wait for it!!” in his head and Qyburn’s trying to figure out how he can get a wight of his own.
VS: Qyburn is eyeing up some modifications on Frankenmonster. Upgrade!
Jon does a killing demonstration, he ought to do driver’s ed vids, he’s magic. Everyone’s still reeling
VS: Do dragons need flight attendants? He’d be good at those life jacket and whistle demonstrations.
I knew exactly what Euron was gonna ask: can they swim? No, he’s gawn, baby, gawn, back to the Iron Islands where he’s safe. Did Jon mention winter was coming and it might freeze up the water and let those walkers walk right up to Euron’s ships?
VS: SEE YA! WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA!
Cersei is not pleased at Euron’s defection, but she sees the value of the truce and accepts it.
Everybody relaxes, whew! Oh but Jon’s gotta stay in the North and not come after Lannisters too, okay? You know, as Ned Stark’s son, so for sure he’ll keep his word, even when given to the people who murdered Ned Stark.
VS: Jon Snow wants to be as honest as his dad. His dad Ned Stark, who lied to him his whole life about his parentage, HE’S NOT EVEN YOUR REAL DAD JON. That Raven could be sent any time ya know Bran.
He canea do that, though, he already pledged to Queen Daenerys of House Targaryen, soo…
Cersei accepts that with good grace and accedes that they’ll all have to work together to defeat this monstrous enemy. Just kidding, she wigs out and leaves with a GO FCK YOURSELVES THEN.
Brienne takes a run at Jamie about it, but he’s not buying it and he’s certainly not gonna cross his sisterlover. What about loyalty?
VS: Shit yeah, Brienne. Knock some sense into that beautiful thick head. Does she know that Jaime sticks the pointy end in his sister? I can’t remember.
Tyrion is pissssed at Jon and his truthiness, Y CANT U LIE??? Just a little? Dany’s upset because SHE LOST A DRAGON TO BE HERE, JON, remember??
Tyrion’s off to see Cersei, alone, I smell some tiny behind about to be roasted. I hope Jaime is there.
VS: Jaime such a lovable idiot, until you remember the incest.
A lovely brotherly moment outside of Cersei’s chambers and we’re to it, ahhhh, watching Tyrion enter.
Cersei has always been disgusted by her libidinous and drinky sibling, but it was when he killed their father (on the can, no less) that her dislike turned into murderous rage. She blames Tyrion for the death of her children, if Tywin Lannister had been alive, nobody would have dared.
I know you’re working up a head of steam, Cersei, but Tommen killed himself because you were a creepy monster who killed his much much much older bride.
Tyrion taunts and taunts Cersei, kill him! You’d have a father, a mother, your incestuous offspring, all that family if Tyrion didn’t exist! He stands in front of The Mountain, asking for the decision.
VS: Didn’t kill Joffrey, shouldn’t have been arrested, which means Oberyn shouldn’t have fought and died for him, which means Myrcella wouldn’t have died as revenge, which means that Cersei wouldn’t have lost her shit and killed everyone, which means that Tommen wouldn’t have jumped. You can’t murder by childbirth, and Tywin sentenced him to death, shagged his girl and rejected him as his son. Fair play I say. Maybe if Cersei and Jaime hadn’t squished their bits together and made a psycho baby monster called Joffrey, none of this would’ve happened.
We all breathe again, Tyrion goes and gets Cersei’s favourite pastime: wine. Cersei monologues about fear and staring death in the face and taking her family to be safe but she’s also touching her belly, so Tyrion interrupts to ask about the bun in her oven.
Jon and Daenerys get to know each other a little better, I snorted out loud at Jon’s version of “you’re not like other girls” but before they can do any cousin-humping, footsteps approach and Veronica and I can breathe again.
VS: We just have to take a deep breath and accept the fact that they are totally gonna do it. Take another deep breath and hold in the incest vom.
Tyrion’s alive! Course. Pfft. And he’s brought Cersei back the bargaining table, even better. Well this is unexpected, she’s going to send her armies north with them to help. She’d like them to remember that later, fanks.
Back at Winterfell, Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) is reading Jon’s raven in disbelief with a rapt Littlefinger advising. She can’t believe he bent the knee! With Littlefinger’s encouragement, she’s taking this personally, Jon’s ignoring her counsel! Honestly. Sansa, you’re okay and you’ve been through hell, but you can’t listen to a word Littlefinger says! Lookit how mad you are, I bet you don’t even know why. Poison.
VS: This does not sound good.
They discuss it a bit more and Littlefinger wants to play a game! It’s called What’s The Worst Scenario I Can Goad Sansa Into Believing? and really, Sansa? You think Arya came all this way to murder you and take over as Lady of Winterfell? Bsh please
- Arya didn’t even know you were there, she’s just keeping you honest with that scroll pledging your undying love for psychotic Joffrey
- Sansa: you are never gonna be anyone’s main reason for going anywhere or doing anything, except for maybe Littlefinger coz you’re starting to look more like Catelyn
- If you’re stupid enough to think Arya wants to be a LADY, you deserve all of Littlefinger’s machinations, you silly twat
VS: THIS IS NOT GOOD AT ALL!
A seemingly important negotiation takes place in the war room, Jon wants Dany to sail with him to White Harbour, Jorah thinks that’s too risky for Dany and now we must, because they spent five minutes of screen time onnit.
VS: Jorah just doesn’t want them boning on the boat, no sexy times on the back of a dragon!
Theon grabs Jon for a chat, he was impressed with Jon refusing to lie to Cersei, he’s never known how to do the right thing. Jon yells at him for a bit, then relents and forgives Theon, even calling him a Greyjoy AND a Stark and then Theon and I cry like little girls for a bit.
VS: Redeeeemmmption Song! Toldya. *sniff*
He’s got to go save Yara (Gemma Whelan), that’s his density. She’s the only person who tried to save him. Go get her! First he has to talk his crew into it, they’re not impressed since Theon already abandoned his sister once and they’re in the mood for some rapin’ and pillagin’, fanks.
The captain beats the shite out of Theon, but Theon repeatedly running his face into this guy’s fist seems to tucker the captain out, so Theon gets his second wind while the Captain wastes time kneeing Theon in his missing wobblies.
VS: Far out, that was so funny. Awful fight, but kneeing him in his nonexistent bits? LOL. And Theon’s face, ahahahahaaa. Good for you, Theon.
Sansa thinks on it, then has Arya brought to the Great Hall in front of all the Northern lords. Her “are you sure you want to do this?”
It’s what honour demands…so, “you stand accused of murder and treason. How do you answer……
VS: Shit. Oh, his face. My deliciously dastardly villainous bae has finally had everything catch up to him.
Oh but it’s all deadly serious now, and Lord Petyr Littefinger Baelish knows this is desperate. Sansa and Arya know everything. They know he murdered their uncle and aunt, set the Starks against the Lannisters and thanks to Bran (Isaac Hempstead-White) know that he held a knife to their father’s throat.
VS: He’s crying! It’s all booshite, I know, but but *waaaaaaa*. He just wanted to love you in place of your mother, Sansa! That’s not at all creepy!
It’s Arya who deals the killing blow, a slash across his throat with that Valerian dagger, I can’t believe he didn’t get away! I had to watch until I knew he was dead for sure because I could hardly believe it. I’m so sorry, Veronica, I know what your Uncle Lyttlyfyngyr meant to you.
VS: After all the big talk of faces lately, you know we’re gonna see Arya as Littlefinger next season. Cersei is still on the list!
Never forget the best Littlefinger gif ever. Here he comes to save the daaaaay!
I’m sorry, Sansa, you’re not as stupid as I thought you might be.
Cersei finds Jaime strategizing for the expedition north, his smirk when she asks to speak to him alone gave me a full eyeroll. Jaime, you suck. You’re also the stupidest Lannister, thinks Cersei, of course she’s not marching next to foreign scum, vows schmows.
Oh a tense verbal spar and Cersei almost has The Mountain kill her brotherlover when he says he’s going to ride north anyway! She’s got that bebeh on the way and hey: Euron left to go get the Golden Company, he’s not giving up on getting to marry the queen, is he? Jaysus. And now Jaime is with Tyrion once again and winter is very much coming, we’ve got snow in King’s Landing.
I legit got all flichy when The Mountain grabbed his sword in front of Jaime: we can’t lose him AND Littlefinger!!
VS: You can’t kill your baby’s Uncle Daddy! Run away Jaime, and don’t look back. Winter is here.
Ah feck. Samwell (John Bradley) shows up just in time for Bran to explain everything to us (that Veronica already explained to me carefully and slowly because I’m thick), Jon Snow isn’t a bastard, never was, he’s Aegon Targaryen and he’s the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne. He also is wobblies-deep in his aunt right now, hey Dany, maybe…don’t.
VS: Hey Sam, thanks for bringing on the R+L=J vision, nice timing! Maybe if you’d ridden a horse instead of a friggin donkey cart you could have prevented the sexy times. ORRRR Bran could’ve sent a raven about a season ago. You can’t tell me he hasn’t been trying to get a vision of Dany in the nude since he worked out what he can do, he knows what’s up with her and Jon. Perv.
Also, I think Samwell meant to say GILLY translated the thing about Rhager. Didn’t you Sam?
Well, we got a great shot of Jon, I mean Aegon’s adorable bum but the ick factor…oh and Tyrion’s listening outside the room in case that wasn’t gross enough. What’s his deal? Is he in love with Dany too? Oh come on!
VS: Yep, I giffed his bum. Jon’s been doing squats apparently, nice! Ooohh, Tyrion is jelly. Don’t do anything Lannisterish now Tyrion.
Also, I’m not calling him Aegon.
So. Um. What if she gets pregnant?
Bran flies as the three-eyed-raven to the Wall, where Beric Dondarion (Richard Dormer) and Tormund (Kristofer Hivju – hai Tormy!) watch the dead advance, will the Wall hold?? NOT WHEN THERE’S A DRAGON FLYING AROUND SHOOTING BLUE FIRE!! RUN TORMY!!!!
He can’t go out like that!! RUN TORMY!!
VS: Well that escalated quickly! There’s no way they’d kill the most adorable ginger beard, right? RIGHT? Poor Beric, no one gives you a hope in hell now Thanos is dead. Buh bye! But not our Tormy, okay? We need some big, beautiful, bearded strawberry blonde babies in the future, OKAY?!
I think he’s okay, whew. But the dead are through the Wall and I have no idea how anyone is gonna stop ViserionBStyle. Nor WunWun. Until next season! Dayum, Veronica! They’re setting us up for something SERIOUS next year!
VS: I guess we’re gonna get a Viserion vs Drogon flame battle next season, like a Voldemort vs Harry Potter wand fight huh. I’m thrilled that lots happened, we found out about Jon’s parentage and right to the throne, but bummed about Littlefinger. I will miss your silly accent, fabulous style and mustache twirling antics. I hope Arya wears your face next season, that doesn’t sound weird at all!
On the bright side, there might be two incestuous babies next season! #blessed