Hello Girls! Ready to roll Queen for Two Days with hopefully some more hilarious Dill / Elijah cuddling? ME TOO! Rumour (okay Twitter) has it that Lena is imitating a sex act she hasn't actually done, and that sort of boggles the mind, so let's see whutarp!
Previously on tells us we're dealing with Hannah's parents divorce (Tad has burst out of the closet and is ready to mingle, Loreen isn't convinced it's not a reaction to her getting tenure first but she STILL wants a divorce) and Jessa picking a fight with Hannah so she could bang Adam guilt-free.
Hannah and her mom are on their way to a Spring Queening retreat, yay! There will be lots of workshops and fun for the "multiecstatic" women amongst us! Loreen says she needs it, she's turning 60 and she doesn't want to end up sexless and alone. But no! The sex with Hannah's gay dad has been even better lately and I LOVE that. Hannah does not.
Shosh is working as a waitress? In a restaurant with cats? Yoshi is visiting her but he has to go when she gets called away to help...with a cat? And her friend is here. It's Abigail, yay! I love Aidy Bryant, she's got perfect comic timing and doesn't go the typical route with her comedy, given she's a lady of size. But what is she doing here in Japan?
Oh. She thinks Shosh is dealing with Abigail ramming a "spiked dildo" into her "heart hole" and she hates seeing her working in a sex hut. A sex hut where people dress like Heidi and there are cats everywhere? It's a cat cafe, silly! And Shosh's entering a phase of serious romantic exploration with Asiatic-looking One Direction-looking Yoshi "from her heart", she's all good, Abi!
Hannah and Loreen are checking into Spring Queening. A very helpful young man named Sam comes over to tell Hannah to put it away: no screentime here. Dhanamahilia is about dropping our walls, yo. It's freaking me out a little bit, I was raised Buddhist with a group called the Dharma group and there may have been communal living, so each time Dhanamawhatever flashes across the screen, I start. My overshare over, Hannah's continues: "If you're telling me to masturbate, I already did." Bam
Hannah and momma move into the main mixer area, meeting Cathy with a C, Kathy with a K and Barb, with neither a B or a C, HANNAH. Another woman in yoga attire introduces herself and it goes like this: I'm Courtney, but call me Koko and are you the yoga instructor? Oh no, I wish, but I do teach spin. And yoga. And sure.
Orientation was supposed to start 10 minutes ago, says Barb, are they meant to be somewhere else? And a woman starts speaking loudly; yes! Orientation WAS supposed to start 10 minutes ago, but nobody said anything, being fearful, polite, waiting for permission and I know they're making fun of workshops like this, but IT'S SO TRUE. I'm obnoxious about stuff like this, so I would go ask someone, but I am also polite to a fault, so I always ask really nicely. With lots of minimizing words like "just" and "kinda" or maybe even a "sorta" thrown in there for good measure. I would argue that I know a lot of polite men as well, but I would probably be missing the point and maybe just kinda derailing. Plus it's making fun. AS YOU WERE
Hannah says they didn't say anything because they were late and the women shouts her down "yes you WERE and NOW you're interrupting" so which izzit?? Speak up or shut up?? I'm so CONFUSED
I don't know why we get to see Hannah's entire naked ass just then, but we do. And her body from the side and HELLS YEAH! How many of us are afraid to stand side-on naked in front of a mirror because, well, you know why. And there she is, in all her glory. Yay!
But the ass? Why the ass? And why wear a bra to bed but no ginch? Whet?
Hannah talks about the problems with Fran, and her mom says it's her's and Tad's fault: they gave her no way to deal with someone who is kind to her. I have to call some serious bullshit on this; everyone keeps taking Fran's side! He masturbated to pictures of his ex-gfs, disregarded her teaching strategy and clearly does NOT understand how mental Hannah is; why is he the good guy? Just because he's cute and looks normal? He's TOTALLY controlling!
Loreen blames on it on Tad and his secret eating away at the core of their marriage but Hannah doesn't think that's the problem, she absolves them of all guilt: they did NOT fcuk her up.
Also; you can't just brush your teeth in the morning, going hard or not, you gotta do it at night!! Sheez.
Adam and Jessa are fcuking again, this time role playing that he's gonna accidentally get her pregnant and yeah. It's as stupid as it sounds.
Did you know Jessa had a sister? Me either! She's in town and Adam's gonna meet her too, same time as us!
At Spring Queening, lots of trust exercises and shenanigans ensue, but Hannah misses most of it staring at her phone. She's off for a walk in the woods in a bikini, hiking too close to Loreen: it's alone time for at least an hour!
I do not understand why Hannah dresses this way, but it must be deliberate. I also don't understand why they make clothes like this either, but that's another story.
Tad texts. Hannah calls him and they talk about the impending divorce, Tad probing for details, until a herd of divorced KCathies comes her way and she has to go. Hey!! WHERE WAS THAT PHONE STASHED??
Shosh and Abigail are wandering around Japan
they get fish-nibbling pedicures, steam baths, the whole Japanese experience. Shosh gets uber deep "You cannot rush a cherry blossom" but mostly I wanna know if her and Yoshi are rushing that particular blossom, ya know?
Hannah's had her phone confiscated and here's all the conflicting messages at once: she's an adult, give her back her phone! Adults follow rules! Isn't this whole workshop about NOT following rules? A woman in yoga gear walks up and backs Sam down and her and Hannah have the BEST talk!
Hannah doesn't want to be there, she hates every moment of it, but she'd STILL rather be there than home with her super-judgy-grammar boyfriend. He's so nice, she says, and the other woman says "fcuk nice. Nice is the mask angry people wear to hide their inner asshole" and I could not agree more. People tell me I'm nice all the time.
Mystery woman tells Hannah she is way too "luscious" to be with the wrong person and whutt? It makes Hannah blush and then dance like a crazy person to "All Hands on Deck"
Adam and Jessa are on the way to meet Minerva, and by the way, they've all slept with the same people, except Minerva also slept with Jessa's father, freaking Adam and I oot, but they don't share a father, so it's totes okay (it is not okay). Oh and if Adam wants to have sex with "Minni", that's ALSO totes okay (so not okay) because she's used to it. She introduces Adam as her boyfriend to Minni who is alllll over him but my favourite part is where Jessa and her sister discuss how awesome it is that Jessa is so skinny because she got really sick. THAT is the subversiveness of Girls that I love so much.
Hannah and gang are eating lunch, KoKo copping up some salt for the bland salmon because she works out sooo hard and drinks a lot of water and one time? Almost drowned from the inside. Then there's a rousing round up of all the food the group has had at hey! How many retreats have these ladies been to?? Hannah storms off at their refusing to live in the present arses.
She is accosted in the hall by the sexy mystery woman, who takes her off to the sauna to stretch her out. They end up making out on the floor and once Hannah stops talking, it's fine.
The other women are still eating? Complaining about their husbands and one's okay with it! I think it's Kathy, but it could be Cathy, anyway, a good book and a bottle of wine equals a perfect morning and HAHAHA.
ERMEGAHD!!!!! The other Cathy is Maddie Corman, who is always and forever Eric Stolz's sister in Some Kind of Wonderful!!
Okay back to it! She tells the tale of a woman she knows about getting on Match.com at 57 and being swept off her feet on a trip to see Celine Dion and ending up with genital warts, herpes and mouth chlamydia and it dismays Loreen, but I LOVE the hand motions, in case we didn't know where genital warts would go. Loreen spills the news about her gay husband and everyone is jelly; they ALL want gay husbands, except KoKo, who wishes she were gay. Honestly, KoKo, says Cathy: why are you here?
Hannah is trying to go down on sexy mystery lady but it seems unnecessarily complicated (and involves Holly(! Her name is Holly! )holding her feet) and this must be the sex act she was talking about never having done before on Twitter because it looks about as natural as it did when Kevin Spacey did it on House of Cards. Hannah is overcome by the heat and she doesn't want to finish; Holly asks for 30 more seconds and Hannah is DONE and dressing while Holly finishes her own self off. Then cries.
Mini is apparently divorcing, but her ex is letting her stay in the house (even with misbehaviour) and she's getting spousal support (trust fund doesn't count as income, yay! Ya no) but that means Jessa wants some money for her schooling. Jessa wants to be a therapist?? And her sister gives her a hard time about it, calling her a dilettante, Minni KNOWS her, she isn't going to finish this as she hasn't finished anything, her symmetrical face and Mama-favour has left her soft. Adam calls bullshit, saying Jessa is a "beautiful fcuking rainbow, cutting and sublime" and a bunch of other stuff and wow. He offers to pay for her schooling.
Abigail is lunching and learning about umami, the elusive fifth taste and I have to punch anyone who says that immediately in the face. I don't advocate for violence but everyone has their limits. Abigail is dreaming of a reality show called "Yosh and Shosh Take the City" that she would totally binge-watch while sick. Yoshi tells her about his and Shosh's future plans, which involve meeting his grandmother and losing their virginities to each other and. Er. Abigail and I don't know exactly what to say to that.
Yoshi excuses himself and Shosh cries; her job as assistant manager in the second largest cat cafe in Tokyo (everyone's sah jealous), her adorable virgin Japanese boyfriend, it's just so PERFECT! Except she's so homesick she could hurl and she says "if one more person I bump into bows and says "I'm sorry" I'm going to CUT SOMEONE" and hahahaha. Don't come to Canada. She leaves.
Hannah comes back for a cuddle with her mom, who has decided to not leave Tad and I feel like that was the OPPOSITE of what this retreat was about. Tad's Chris Rock impersonation and mad Scrabble playing skillz have won her over and mostly the divorcees have scurred her. Imma just say, if I found myself single at 60 I wouldn't be sitting around, I tell you whut. Elderly piano bar singers had better watch OUT.
And we oot! With Life on Mars? playing while Shosh walks home alone in her teeny tiny deserted toyland.