Are you ready to rummmmmble?? Nah, me either, my belly hurts and I just wanna go HOME but instead I shall recap Kingdom, which always impressed me with its ability to provide the exact atmosphere I imagine exists in all UFC gyms: smells like aggression and Axe bodyspray. Rolling S2:E14 Do Not Disturb after the break.
We open with Jay Kulina (Jonathan Tucker) the morning after his big win over Ryan Wheeler (Matt Lauria) at King Beast, apparently Jay doesn’t know how hotels work so we get a full minute of him ordering towels in Spanglish from a housekeeper. Okay, it was so we got to see the Do Not Disturb hung on the door.
His dad Alvey Kulina (Frank Grillo – these two are definitely my faves on this show, powerhouses both) took Garo (Bryan Callen) up on his offer to meet with his lawyer to deal with the lawsuit Alvey’s facing, but Roxanne (Wendy Monitz) isn’t what I expected. For one thing, I think she’s ACTUALLY a lawyer and for another she has clothes on. I totally pictured a super smart stripper and that is a reflection on Garo, not super smart strippers, who are awesome.
Roxanne looks a lot like Alvey’s ex-wife Christina (Joanna Going) to be honest, and she has about as much good news. The case against Alvey is legit (he doored a cyclist who subsequently broke his collarbone) and since Lisa has been gone, nobody renewed any insurance.
So if he wants representation, she’ll need $650/hour. For however long. She’s like sushi: you get what you pay for
He totally nags her into a drink later, they’re not very well matched lifestyle-wise, but he is gorgeous in an extremely fit and gaunt way, maybe she likes dating incredibly fcked up men. Or humping them at least.
Jay and Alicia’s little sister Ava (Lina Esco) have super graphic but boring looking sex? I think it was to show off Jay’s sweaty abs as she laid there and tried to stay awake in her fancy hotel room. Because she’s high AF and while everyone else might buy that she’s a model and that’s where all this money comes from: I do not.
Ryan tries to talk Alicia Mendez (Natalia Martinez) into staying in bed, but she’s gotta train, baby! Not everyone has a blown knee, RYAN.
She gets approached by an energy drink guy outside Navy St., Kevin Bostic (Robert Baker) wants to pay her $2,000.00 to model for an hour. Why did I immediately think of those newbie pron girls that get sent on first-person video shoots and it’s literally one guy with a wad of cash and a camera in his hand? Anyway, she’ll talk about it with her manager, Lisa (Kiele Sanchez) who we haven’t seen in MONTHS.
Alvey doesn’t think much of Alicia’s snakeleggings OR that offer, although I think they’re adorable. She can’t reach Lisa anyway, so we’ll see if she goes ahead.
Before Christina left rehab, she was attacked by her therapist, who’d she had been sleeping with off and on for extra privileges. Dude would NOT take no for an answer, so she had to bash him across the head a couple of times to remind him of her right to refuse. He had strangled her even, so she’s at home trying to cover it up with makeup so Jay doesn’t notice. Her other son Nate (Nick Jonas) she backs down with a reminder that he didn’t report his recent sexual assault either, so he doesn’t exactly have a leg to stand on.
To clarify, Nate was drugged at the house of one of his clients and ended up in a (surely recorded) threeway with another guy and a woman.
Left alone in the house after Nate leaves, Christina digs out the drugs she had been hiding and…flushes them down the toilet. Go Christina! Addiction is a BEAST.
Keith (Paul Walter Hauser) is the worst assistant ever, making Ryan take a phone call from reporter Mario Goldsmith (Adam Shapiro) who prolly just wants to ask rude questions about Ryan’s dead dad. Mario’s totally like that.
Alicia trains while Nate has a visitor, Will (Jonathan Howard), the assistant for the man who drugged Nate at that party a while back. Will is gonna keep coming by with 10 grand until Nate accepts it, which might not be so bad: Will is ADORABLE!
Alvey finds Nate staring at Will’s business card, his huge jump to hide it made us all laugh, but Alvey has good news: he has a fight for Nate! Off he goes, Nate hiding the money but taking Will’s card. Hmmm
Alvey’s supposed to be talking about his drinking in therapy but it’s dad he’s thinking about. His dad doesn’t sound like a ball of laughs, vicious, arrogant and mean, but never a sloppy drunk. I have no idea how it would be to live in a world where not losing your shite while schwasted is considered more important than being a good dad.
Where were we, what? Oh, ALVEY’S drinking, he just got off track. It seems he noticed the same thing I did about Foxy Roxy his lawyer: she’s a lot closer to his age than, say, Lisa.
The therapist wonders if Alvey is ready for this exactly, he’s got a lot on right now.
Alvey’s therapist is just worried about this pattern of his, pain sends him reaching for external sources of comfort, like alcohol, women or fighting. Alvey and I stare at him for a full minute: isn’t that what people DO??? Honestly.
Nate does specifically what Christina told him not to and goes and finds a drugged-out Jay and tells him someone tried to rape his mom. Oh I told you not to get a fancy room, Ava. Jay has very low impulse control, is in insane shape and extremely protective of his mom.
Mario Goldsmith is just as much of an arsehole as I remember, starting with mentioning Ryan’s dad then calling Ryan’s response about training a cliche. Upshot: Ryan wants another shot at Jay because duh.
Jay’s face coming in to see his mama makes me think two things
Awwww and I bloody hate it when dudes make sexual assault all about them. Because the first thing she has to do is try and reassure him she’s fine, which obviously she is not. He feels guilty because he chose that rehab facility for her and he just wants one name, please. One name. She asks him to let her deal with it her own way and respect her wishes, we’ll just see about that.
Ryan calls for a little kiss and cuddle with his trainer, erm oops, he may have messed up the interview…and he wants to fight Jay, so…yeah. Alvey doesn’t have much time, he’s gotta do some shots of Patron on the way to his date. Who does that?? He has to go meet Foxy Roxy east of La Cienega!
Oh noooo
Alicia shows up for her “photo shoot” and it’s 6 guys with shaved heads drinking beer and listening to thrash metal. GTFO, Alicia, GO.
Jay blows a couple more rails then heads off to the hotel, I have a bad feeling about what he’s gonna find when he gets there. He would like Nate to drive him there, because he’s doing his best to not murder the guy who attacked his mom, so: little help?
Alvey and Roxanne are having a great first drinks-not-date, she totally pegged him for both being a felon AND owning an almost-Camaro. Okay, blue IROC Z28. Close enough.
Whew, Ava isn’t selling drugs out of her hotel room or doing whatever “models” do when they aren’t models, she’s ordered room service and valium and is there for Jay to literally cry on her shoulder.
I am very worried about Alicia and I don’t think I’m the only one. I don’t think pictures of her looking scared are going to sell those clothes well, if there actually IS a clothing line that exists.
Kevin starts. He suggests she take her top off and instead of measuring the distance to the closest exit and how many of those guys are in between her and it, she’s complaining. He starts to play angry, man. She should have listened to Alvey, these guys are not legit. Never mind that now, just GTFO, Alicia!
If they show two rape attempts back to back on disfcking show…
Alicia makes it to the bathroom to “fix her makeup” and calls Alvey, thank the gods and wee fishies. He cuts his date short (that was going really well) and heads over. He walks her out without issue, but then she asks to spend the night at his place. Alvey and I aren’t so sure about that.
Oohh and all the eyehumping she’s throwing at him! Where should she sleep *smolder smolder*. In his bed, coz he sleeps out here on the couch now. Next to his best friend Johnny Walker.
Left all alone with his ten grand, Nate calls Will as Ava soothes Jay
There’s something off there, but we’re not finding it out this episode, everyone’s asleep! Until next time
