Whewww long break for Orange is the New Black, let’s see what Piper, newly crowned leader of the alt-right, will mess up this time. Rolling OITNB S4:E6 Piece of Sh*t after the break

We’re getting guard backstory this time, Luschek starts us off by getting dropped off for work with a coffee cup full of codeine and a belly full of weed-infused chocolate. All I got out of that was “you can’t let other people define you” and that you should always show up high the first day of work so they think that’s normal. Gerber (Baxter Bayley – that’s his full name!) would really like him to look at his mailbox. It’s overflowing with missives like

I bet all of those are from Nicky! Speaking of Nicky, she’s getting her three year chip from AA in Max! She chokes me up a little

And then a mutherhumping guard takes it away from her right after! CONTRABAND MY ASS!

Piper’s uncomfortable with her new leadership role in the burgeoning white power movement, so she ducks a supporter and ends up irritating Alex. Or Alex irritates her, I can’t tell, but it doesn’t matter because they don’t really say anything anyway except Alex and her “you were too busy fcuking that tattooed kangaroo” which legit took me 30 seconds to remember that she means Ruby Rose, not an actual animal with ink.

Maria and the Dominicans are discussing strategy for the next panty moving but first Maritza gets a Snickers for her “James Bond level shit” in saving the transfer. She gives herself a new nickname

I do think it’s interesting that Ouija and Blanca want to get into selling ACTUAL contraband instead of dirty panties, but Maria doesn’t want to do anything illegal. But. What they’re DOING is illegal. Have y’all watched Wentworth? Do so. The Citizens of Litchfield come up and after some discussing about whether the “dirt tacos” are congregating or conga-ing; Maria and her gang get shots for “gathering.” I totally counted how many were travelling in the white girl gang, only 3 damnit, need 4 or more. Also: what’s a dirt taco?

Caputo and Linda are brainstorming in bed; he thinks the biggest problem the inmates have is boredom. They can’t get them jobs, but he wants to give them enrichment classes, taught by the guards. This is what Kip Whatsit was talking about in his lecture before Caputo got kicked out, they need to give the inmates something to focus on. He thinks it will be his legacy, but I think he’s about to be shanghai’d by Linda, who wants to pitch it to MCC solo.

At the next meeting of the White Power Assembly of Litchfield, Dixon’s taking notes while Angie’s recounting the group’s progress; there are almost 50% fewer drawings of private areas! The more hardcore members of the group are freaking me and Piper out, and somehow, they’ve also sniffed out the panty business. Dixon carefully writes all that down while Piper stares at the floor and pretends she totally didn’t do this to herself.

This is just like on Game of Thrones when Ciercey enlisted the Faith Militant to help her clear out Margaery and her brother and instead ended up a prisoner in the sept for ages, right?? Same same!

Some hella unsafe construction is going on at Donuts’ house. Luschek’s got his inmate electrical crew installing pirated cable while he and Donuts play video games. Gina cuts herself with rusty metal shears, she needs Medical! Luschek doesn’t wanna leave in the middle of his game, though, so he puts her off. She calls him a piece of shit, that’s two times today! Donuts delivers a searing speech about how Luschek is responsible for these women and he’s not taking care of them and he’s not LISTENING.

Y’all know how I feel about Donuts The Rapist, so I will just say that his speech would have been really good coming out of anyone else’s mouth.

Max has no sense of humour, Nicky is finding. She looks so lonely. She’s mopping floors in the SHU when she spies Sophia in a cell. Sophia begs for a blanket, she can’t sleep. She doesn’t know what day it is, she doesn’t know the weather, she’s inside and gone. Nicky gives her a magazine but is too scared to commit to bringing her a blanket. It’s a lovely moment.

The first ever stop and frisk is happening in Litchfield, Big Boo (who is not looking that big – she looks drawn?) is wearing so Piper and her pals

Wait nervously while one of the more misogynistic guards separates out the ones whose ginch he wants to see and doesn’t. Hapakuka gets picked (yay for her) but Big Butchy Boo does not. Whew. Ah poor Hapakuka, who never wanted to wear the panties, it’s hard for us big girls to drop trou for a crowd, y’all! Well, not for all of us, thank the gods and wee boarlets.

Taystee’s showing everyone the Judy King garden pictures. Black Cindy is just bummed they weren’t in the pics; they could have been prison famous! Taystee wants them to FOCUS. Cash money, y’all! She has the internet and people pay a lot of money for closeups. It’s a game changer, they just need to

They just need a cell phone…. guess who’s listening and has a cell phone?? NO, GUESS!! Alison!

Lolly and Healy are walking the yard and bonding over mental illness, sure. He wants to help Lolly where he couldn’t help his mother. She felt as though she lived in a fake world and Lolly can understand that. She lives in several prisons and there really aren’t any easy answers for what ails Lolly; medication makes her feel like a zombie, prison keeps her locked down and she just fights ideas in her head all day.

Red wants Toothpick’s keys, Octopus-Neck would like a little heads up, please

Red doesn’t have the time or energy to be clever right now, Octopus Neck! She hasn’t had a decent sleep in WEEKS.

Big Boo is freaking out about the panty raid, but Piper’s not worried. She knows they’re targeting people of colour, they’ll skate. Big Boo is thinking bigger picture, though, for sure one of the Dominicans will rat Piper out instead of Maria. Piper needs to do something to protect all the women she brought into the business and has put at risk. Everyone hates Piper, there is no way she won’t go down, does she have a plan? The dirty panty business is what gets Piper out of bed in the morning, though, all she heard is that everyone hates her, she is incapable of thinking of anyone but herself.

Judy’s wrapping up her cooking class (I HATE how stunned Poussey still is around Judy) when Luschek approaches for some freshly whipped butter with Maldon salt (she has my attention), what’s going on?? He feels bad for screwing Nicky over. He wants a (somewhat) honest opinion… is he a piece of shit? Maybe half a piece of shit. There’s still time to fix it! But he doesn’t know how. Judy sends him on his way with this wisdom “You are a straight white man. You don’t get to be a victim.”

Nicky doesn’t have any friends in Max, maybe the Oldster who tried to stab V in season 2 who gives her a head nod, but mostly in the yard she keeps to herself and tries not to get shanked. Hey! The tattooed kangaroo is there, though! Hey gurl hey! Stella (Ruby Rose) and Nicky have been humping in the bathroom but Nicky feels like I do! She hates it when Stella talks. She also hates it when Stella uses, which she’s about to, so Nicky’s oot. Deuces, Stella.

Alison approaches Black Cindy. She heard she has a thing she wants? “What? A religion that will stone me to death if I get raped?” makes me Ohhhhhhhhh!! Alison invokes Bernie Madoff and then they get down to brass tacks; cell phone time! They negotiate but cannot come to an agreement, so Alison is tamponless and Black Cindy doesn’t have a phone to take creepshots of Judy King with. Black Cindy doesn’t care, though, she’s “so enlightened” those words don’t mean anything to her.

Luschek’s come to visit Nicky in Max, he wants to apologize. There. He did it.

She fills him in on the sitch: she’s alone, she has no family, she’s sober on purpose for the first time in years and yay, thanks for clearing your conscience, but next time, “do it the old-fashioned way and just come on my face and leave.”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh buuuuuurrnnnnnn

SoSo and Poussey are bathroom humping (sans fisting, yay!) I was just wondering if it was always just that one way when SoSo totally owns up to being a Pillow Princess. Her head’s always on the pillow, she doesn’t do much

Ohhhhhhhhhh buuuuurrrnnnnnnnn

Poussey’s ready to wait, though. SoSo won’t have to do do anything she doesn’t want to do. They kiss and “you taste like vagina” takes us out of the bathroom while I wonder, I mean, she went down on Nicky, remember? That was the only thing that Nicky could find that shut SoSo up.

Red’s purloined some pills with Toothpick’s keys, I’m hoping they’re for sleeping!

Luscheck’s doing worse after the visit, of course. Judy tells him he better get used to feeling like a piece of shit, the only way to clear his conscience is confess and she doesn’t want him to do that.

Nicky’s cleaning the SHU again when she gets called in to clean Sophia’s cell, oh noo. Sophia used the magazine to slash something, there’s blood everywhere.

SoSo tries to pull Poussey’s pants down in the library. Poussey only wants her to do this if SHE wants to do it, not because SoSo thinks she has to. Lots more words, but basically… SoSo isn’t a lesbian and Poussey is. It’s one thing to love someone, but if you are only ever the pin-ee ever and never the pinner and you don’t want to… how can you not want to? I don’t know, you guys. That reminds me of Charlotte and the high powered art scene lesbians in SATC!

Piper’s gathers up her merchandise and heads out, stopping to visit with Alex and Lolly again. Once more they really say nothing and Lolly sums it up the best. That WAS like a bad play! I will say that Alex is looking absolutely beautiful

The inmates have taken over the mess with improvised tents and game boards, they’re bored! Piscatella is in the process of trying to clear it when Caputo comes in. Everyone gives him a hero’s welcome but also rush at him, it was unsettling to realise how many prisoners there were compared to how few guards. ‘Tucky’s been hard at work at improvised basket weaving (you don’t want to know) so Caputo figures this is the right time to tease the educational program. I have a bad feeling about this.

In the chaos before Caputo, Red’s snoring roommate gets punched in the nose, aw man, Red isn’t EVER getting any sleep! But she is right now, the sleeping pills she stole from Medical have kept her out for going on 19 hours.

The Dominicans are gossiping about Sleeping Beauty when the screws come grab Maria. I guess Piper was on her way to plant contraband under Maria’s bed when she stopped to yak at Alex.

Taystee is mediating an agreement between Black Cindy and Allison; “let’s remember to use “I” statements, please.” They bond over a mutual hatred of Scientology and conspiracy theories, there you go, L. Ron Hubbard: still bringing people together from beyond the veil.

Piscatella’s got Maria in his office. She tries to throw Piper under the bus, but Piper’s stupidity is also her saviour, as it so often is. He scoffs that it was Piper’s very own group that found Maria’s illegal activity, and he’ll be recommending adding three to five years to Maria’s term. She can’t believe it, it wasn’t drugs! It was stealing, though, so. That’s 3 to 5 more years away from her baby girl, oh man. He wants to make an example of her as a gang leader, she should go tell her friends about what poor life choices can do. “Maybe cry.”

Luschek will just not leave Judy alone! She’s done him a favour, though, she’s gotten Nicky out of Max and now it’s time for him to take care of her. Wait! Does she mean sex? Luschek does not look excited.

Piper strides out into the yard to be met by a very angry Maria. She’s going to burn Piper down, she’ll never come back from this. Hapakuka is confused: what did she do? Piper was a shark, just like Big Boo told her to be, she protected her people. Maria goes back to her friends, that’s it, they’re going into drugs. If they’re gonna get that much time for panties, they might as well get for real, right?

Nicky is NOT out of prison, I’m confused. Isn’t that what Judy said before she extracted her Butterscotch payment? She’s buying drugs from a guard, too, and there’s a payment involving her going into a small room… Oh never mind, Nicky is coming back after all, Caputo is signing the docs just then.

Not quite quickly enough, she’s busy going down on a female guard for drugs, be right there! And we’re oot.

Okay. That was not a great episode. I mean, to start by showing us Nicky doing so well JUST so we can see her fail right before getting out? Lazy and manipulative writing. I expect better of you, OITNB. As for Maria, I know we’re supposed to be all aghast that the system turned her into a drug dealing gang leader, but it’s just SO unrealistic that she wouldn’t have been selling drugs in the first place that I can’t muster up any outrage. Do NOT get me started on the guard in Max selling ALLS (you know the payment?)the drugs for oral sex; no way it would be a cash money deal except for maybe here and there.I get that it’s supposed to be extry humiliating for Nicky but PLEASE.

Donuts’ little speech by anyone else would have been good: again, manipulative subpar writing and finally: the SoSo / Poussey love story, you’re going to have to give me one hell of a break. SoSo, who previously enjoyed sex with women does no longer want to actively participate in sex with a woman she’s in love with… I mean. Honestly. Until next time, when I hope I’ll be able to keep my eye-rolling in check. Cheers!