Welcome back to the Red Production Co. show Paranoid, I hear it gets even more exciting this time ’round, which makes sense, seeing as we were just setting the table last time. Thanks to EB for pointing out this show to me, rolling S1:E2 after the break!

We’re at the Reuben LaCana death scene with Detective Helber (Christiane Paul) in Dusseldorf; Reuben’s house has class A drugs and a drunk young blonde woman, a bit of a departure from his baby-mama Dr. Benton and her lifestyle. He wouldn’t be the first person of a certain middle age to experiment, however.

Everyone’s gathered at the park for a candlelight vigil for Angela Benton and I mean this in the best way, Lucy. I’m glad you’re all zen and shite, but maybe stop smiling at people mourning the loss of a close friend or family member. It’s not respectful. Fake sadness like the ones in the back who’re just trying to figure out what’s going on!

Felber’s filling our British gang in on what’s up with LaCana; it seems the young blonde woman is Sheri (Ayda Field) and she just moved in there after a whirlwind courtship. I like to imagine it went something like this:

Reuben: hey, I’d love to lock down that 20-years-younger arse, how about you move in?

Sheri: how much coke you got?

Reuben was a chemist, though, so odds are he had the REALLY good stuff. Update over, Felber’s out with a “hands across the water” Bjork-oot!

Nina (Indira Varma) is incensed at Felber’s unprofessional attitude and descriptions “stupid circumstances” to describe a crime scene? She may be more pissed at “Mary Poppins” sunny attitude and four children, however (ALL BOYS – mein gott), although time will tell on that one.

Niles (Neil Stuke) brings everyone up to speed on the investigation, he doesn’t get the cards. Alec (Dino Fetscher) suggests that maybe the Ghost Detective is trying to help them and I would bet that anyone doing that is more trying to GUIDE them, not necessarily help them, but then I tend to over-think. Nina argues that the Ghost Detective is a wanker intent on involving himself in the investigation because he gets off on it, but Bobby (Robert Glenister) is just creeped out that somebody is watching him. I get that.

They still need to find out if Jacob Appley is the real murderer, they need blood, they need a weapon, they need EVIDENCE! Go team!

Alec is suspicious about Jacob’s supposed suicide, the bridge is a long way from town for a schizophrenic on foot. Nina doesn’t care, she wants to talk about her love life some more. You know, I get it, she put a lot into that sodding tosser Dennis, but she’s at WORK and at 36 technically a grown-up, so.

Oh whoa whoa whoa!!! Alec says Nina’s facing “a woman’s biggest existential crisis” in being single at this age and without children AND HOW ABOUT ANY OTHER EXISTENTIAL CRISIS?? Like, where did we come from?? Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing with my life?? Why do I have an extra toe? Do I need bigger shoes? Is there a higher power?? What does the Big Bang REALLY mean? BUT NO, according to Alec (and whoever wrote this shite), a WOMAN’S biggest existential crisis is that she may not have children. I am not downplaying the desire to have children, but to assume that all ovary-bearing people in the world are solely fixated on THAT is the worst kind of bullshit. Are those other crises just for the menz, then? We shouldn’t worry our pretty heads about it? Or just keep nurturing our maternal instincts because THEY AND THEY ALONE DEFINE US?? SOMEBODY GET SALLY WAINWRIGHT ON THE PHONE!!

Cuppa break

Okay right, where were we? Ah yes, Alec was trying to help Nina come to terms with her recent loss, and encourage her to focus on the case. They need to investigate the Ghost Detective.

Bobby’s gone to see Lucy (Lesley Sharp), does she remember what made the detective seem genuine? She slows him down to the present: hall Bobby, would you like some tea? I’m terrible for that, rushing right in and forgetting the Hi’s and How Are You?s sometimes. She thought the Ghost Detective seemed sad, that’s what made him seem genuine. He seemed sad like Bobby, actually, she asks about the pills he’s clearly on. She’s a Quaker because those things didn’t for her.

He can’t just do what she’s done, Lucy! He’s worked hard to get these panic attacks! He can’t just grow flowers and make tea with bits innit. He has crime to stop. I think he’d like to, though. He’d also like some of her fried eggs with halloumi, and then this.

You know, I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time, but I don’t remember rubbing my nose on someone’s cheek until the 4th date. Is SHE the one trying to get close to the case by exploiting a vulnerable detective?

The Ghost Detective interviewed Eric Benton (John Duttine) as well. What did he ask, Nina and Alec want to know. He wanted to know why Angela came back from Dusseldorf; it was because she was pregnant and Reuben didn’t want to know. Eric didn’t want to talk any more, so he just gave the Ghost Detective the papers and he left.

Alec and Nina about poop themselves: what papers?? There were these papers under Angela’s pillow. I guess Eric didn’t think of them when Alec and Nina were asking for anything before, and now the GD has them. They were medical papers, but Eric couldn’t make anything out. Alec’s working on that while Nina’s checking out their company, someone in a hoodie is watching them.

If it has a happy-face on the hoodie and they chase him through the woods, I already know who it is! It’s Jesse, from The Five!

Oh, no, this guy has a dirt bike, so it’s the guy from Rose and Maloney season one!

I may be watching too much British television, but really, IS there such a thing as TOO MUCH British television?

Nina gives chase, she thinks it’s the Ghost Detective, but I don’t, I just wonder how big this must be to have more than one person involved, in several countries even. The Ghost Detective is older and personable, if sad, this is a young guy dirt biking around and taking down Nina handily. There is also someone in Germany, since it’s not a realistic coincidence that Rueben was found dead RIGHT after his baby-mama was stabbed. Also, if it WASN’T Jacob Appley who killed Angela, that’s another person who killed him, although maybe the dirtbiker diversifies. That’s almost a vast conspiracy

The gang is watching the CCTV footage of Angela’s assailant, they couldn’t get any facial features or body mapping, so they can’t compare it to Jacob. Bobby goes to see Henry Appley (William Ash) to see if they can find out anything about his brother’s movements which might tie in with what they do know. Henry’s working through his angst about his brother going off the plot, taking care of an adult schizophrenic is no joke.

Nina’s had to get a crutch and she doesn’t need any help from Detective Dimples Megan (Anjli Mohindra) FANKS! Alec congratulates her on the brilliant attempt, she grouses that she can’t get the stench of that mud off her.

This, my friends, is a textbook example of mixed messages

The detectives are reviewing the evidence from Angela’s room, who uses a typewriter anymore?? Niles isn’t impressed with any of their theories, he thinks it’s maybe just some “head-bang who thinks he’s Columbo” or maybe a head-bang who thinks she’s Jessica Fletcher? I lurve both! Bobby’s got a idea!

Felber’s interviewing Sheri, who was swept off her feet in “the most romantic city in the world!” which she thinks is Paris but I might argue that point. They press her to move past her exciting two-week romance and details of the night in question; it seems Rueben died of a drug overdose and she didn’t want to go swimming with him.

I have to agree with Nina, Felber’s a little woo-hoo

Henry’s at the same park with his kiddo, hmmm, that’s probably going to be awkward for a bit. Bobby asks him to check his brother’s pills, if he was off them for a few days, as Henry thinks he would have had to have been, they would be able to tell. Henry can’t do that, though, the psychiatrist has already picked them up.

Um. What?? Our extremely defensive doctor of psychiatry actually went to a former patient’s house and TOOK medication he prescribed? There is no way for that to appear normal, it looks exactly as though he’s hiding something.

Bobby asks Henry to come watch some of the video of the assailant, he’ll be able to tell if it was Jacob or not. I think that’s probably going to be useless, now that Henry has the hope that it might NOT have been his brother, he might not quite see the footage the same, even if he really wants to.

Felber fills in the detectives, it really looks like an accidental drowning /  overdose, no suspicious circumstances. It’s just the TIMING, see. Alec and I are convinced that it can’t be a coincidence.

Henry’s reviewing the footage from the park, it seems I was wrong, Henry is doing the opposite of trying to absolve his brother, it’s Bobby who’s having to convince him to look closer. Henry thinks the shoes are off, so that’s something.

Alec and Nina are bonding a bit, hey, would she like to come to his mother’s birthday? She thinks he’s just feeling sorry for her, but he presses, no, he doesn’t fit in that world, maybe if he brought a bit of this world… She asks what if they think she’s his girlfriend, but he kills EVERYTHING with “no they won’t! Because we’re different ages.” SHE WAS DOING SO WELL. You can actually see her gorge rise, but yes, she will come to the damn party.

News! They’ve found the weapon!

It’s from Jacob’s Appley’s set, it has his prints onnit: game, set and match. Bobby’s given that hope to Henry, though, dang it, but Niles doesn’t want to hear about laces when he has “quality forensics” in hand.

Niles is kind of a cocky jerk, hey? For a boss?

Nina’s standing in a corner alone with a glass of champagne staring at dirt, oh yeah, GREAT party, Alec! He brings over his mother Monica (Polly Walker, who I recognise but can’t say where from. Maybe Miss Marple, I’ve watched ’em all!) who reminds Nina of Alec’s first class degree. Monica is a creepy nightmare, so smothery. Hey, Dr. Crowley’s there too!

Ah I’m sorry, it seems that Monica is a pathological liar (Imma guess hypochondriac as well) and there may be mental health issues at play there. It was still creepy when she pawed her adult son and insisted he spend the night, though, I stand by that.

Oh ho, it seems our Alec has given our Nina another shot, this time he kisses HER, even at different ages no less! Their making out around one crutch is hilarious and sweet.

Bobby’s gone to see the Quakers again, walking Lucy home after as she explains the Quaker way of life to him. Then she asks if he wants to stay with her, woo hoo, the whole team is getting lucky tonight!

Alec and Nina are all giggly and mussed when they get back to the car to make their escape, but an envelope under the wipers redirects their focus. It’s from the Ghost Detective and I swear, Alec just about came in his pants reading it.

It’s all very mysterious, don’t look for me, don’t ask about me, “they’ll” find me and if I stop reaching out, it means I’m dead. MeloDRAMZ thinks Nina and I, but there’s a DVD to review! It’s a person outside Eric Benton’s house, the Ghost Detective calls him Dr. Benton’s murderer and they get a partial view of a face. When they ask Eric about it, he freaks out, but brings up the cooker blow-up, so that’s something they haven’t investigated.

Detective Felber can’t let it go either, she’s reviewing scene footage at 3 am when her husband comes in to complain. No bringing stuff home! Cedric (Daniel Drewes) seems like a great support, though. She goes to bed, but her bed is freaking her out, was it disturbed? I don’t understand.

Felber and her partner are at Reuben’s house again. Felber just doesn’t think things are fitting. She goes to his bedroom and THAT’S what she was looking at!  There is an indent from Reuben’s head, which means he went to bed and didn’t go swimming.

Alec and Nina fill Bobby in on the new cards from the Ghost Detective, they agree to keep Niles out of the loop. Megan creeps up on them while they’re reviewing it, never watch anything suspicious when you’ve got your back to traffic!

Monica finds Nina’s crutch under the bench in the garden, I bet she won’t like that! Alec’s got a whole plan, he has a space where they can investigate without Niles ever finding out. Nina takes a moment to apologize for jumping on him in the garden, she’s all rebound and still in love with Dennis and can he never say anything to Dennis?

Relationships are hard, y’all.

Another thing, she wants to tell Niles, it’s her CAREER! They fight, but there it is.

Felber’s interviewing Sheri about her and Reuben’s sleeping habits, did he usually come to bed first? Was there a towel? A tall man watches them across the restaurant and Felber’s ears are up.

Monica’s come to see Nina, yaaaaay. I don’t think it’s likely to be a quick crutch hand-over. Maybe we’ll get the background about the weird psychiatrist talk. Monica explains. Alec is not as strong as he seems. He tried to commit suicide at 17 over a girl and the problem is we don’t know if she’s lying again or if that’s true. There is definitely SOMETHING up, but Nina ignores Monica’s entreaty to keep it between them and starts to text Alec. Monica is a piece of work, alright, don’t ask Alec, he’ll deny it because he’s wiped it from his memory. I mean.

Bobby and Alec are brainstorming, trying to get into the head of their murderer. Alec thinks maybe… he stayed at a bed and breakfast? They find someone with a German accent, woot! They stake out the house and follow the hooded man into the woods in the middle of the night.

NOTHING CONSPICUOUS ABOUT THAT, carry on!

Nina’s trying to apologize for earlier via voicemail, but Alec’s hot on the trail of a German-accented man in a dark hoodie in the middle of the night, no time for that! Good thing he hasn’t noticed them following him through a well-lit industrial complex in the middle of the night! Alec finally confronts the man, to be tossed over the side…. to the water. Whew! I thought, well, I was wrong, yay! Water is good, much softer than concrete!

Bobby’s not having any of that shite, he turns and flees, but he’s trapped. He manages to make a radio call and get a little ways away, will the perp find him?

I DON’T KNOW, IT CUT OUT! And we’re out. I think. Stay hidden, Bobby! You’ll be all right, help is on the way! Alec, keep bobbing, you’re 26, use your young legs! Until next time, you lot!