Oooooh you know this is gonna be a good one, it’s time for the seasonal RuPaul’s Drag Race Musical!! Remembering such classics as Shade: The Rusical (I am so sorry for whatever is going down in your life, Lucian, you need to get OFF the interwebs) and Bitch Perfect, the season 9 Kweens have a LOT to live up to! Rolling S9:E5 Reality Stars: The Musical after the break.

Last time our eldest but not betterest queen Charlie Hides got sent home after phoning it in on her lipsynch challenge against Trinity Taylor; Trinity wasn’t taking any prisoners

And Charlie wasn’t taking any advice, like: MOVE, B*TCH!

The girls file back into the workroom, Trinity wasting not one second wiping off Charlie’s words of wisdom off the mirror. Eureka O’Hara and Trinity got into it on the runway, let’s just say Eureka did not appreciate Trinity’s leadership style. Let’s also go ahead and say Miss O’Hara is gonna get picked at the next team challenge by Trinity the Body shortly after it snows in Miami in June.

Subway fish Alexis Michelle is ready, mama! Put her in, it’s her time to shine! I forgot her already, but she’s the almost-as-pretty-as-Roxxxy one, right?

It’s a shame the Nina B’nina Maleficent Mofasa Brown is feeling bitter about Shea Coulee (she came to slay) and Sasha Velour (the bald, arty one. Sasha looks like Michael Stipe and Nina Flores had an upset baby) being happy about winning, girl, you can’t fix yourself if you’re always looking at somebody else. Also: you and Eureka were fab, if everyone else on your time hadn’t sucked, you’da won.

Our guest judges this week are Todrick Hall (he’s a regular, hunty!) and Meghan Trainor. Her music plays during water aerobics and I think that says it all.

Good morning MamaRu! It’s time for our first mini challenge, yay!! And it’s got the Pitt Crew, woo hoo!!

I don’t know who’s more excited: me or Eureka. Selfie time with mostly nekkid menzeses!

Peppermint is up first! She just blends into the background for me! I need to wake up

Everyone does pretty well

Valentina asking MamaRu to introduce her as Miss Venezuela was my fave.

Aja knows her angles, yes??

Subway fish takes it!

She gets $1000 and we’re getting

Shea loves the Kardashians!

I

Do

Not

But I can totally stand them being made fun of by a bunch of my fave peeps!

Alexis gets to choose the parts for everyone: guess who doesn’t like her part? NO, GUESS???! Okay, it’s Nina, you never woulda got that, huh?

Peppermint is also gonna have to go method

Farrah Moan fills Valentina in on the goings on of the Kardashian family and I try to follow along but, look, I’m not a snob, I just can’t watch that shite. It’s so BORING.

Todrick and Chester have come for some Koreography! Todrick asks Eureka how she sees North West, so far “she’s 403 pounds and 6 foot four, a cripple” hahahaha. Eureka blew her knee out during the cheer challenge a while back. SHE’S 6 foot FOUR?!

Aja isn’t great with Koreography and Cynthia Lee Fontaine as Kim Kardashian (which would make sense if Cynthia actually HAD a cucu) is struggling but as usual it’s the girl with the bad attitude that sinks the rehearsal. Nina, you have an amazing drag aesthetic and the most amazing, dewy skin I’ve ever seen but you are a one-legged buttkicking machine. You are in your own way.

Farrah can’t even clap. Like. Not even CLAP. Good thing she’s adorable!

Eureka can’t wear heels, so she’s stoning her ballet flats and that makes Trinity not hate her. Eureka decides to ride that wave of non-hate over to Valentina and Sasha, whom she offended with her joke about Valentina having an eating disorder last week. Not only did it not sound like a joke, Valentina was trying to open up and share and instead it turned into a fight. Eureka apologizes; it turns out Valentina does have an eating disorder. And so did Sasha and so does Shea. It’s extremely prevalent in the gay community; everybody tears up while putting on makeup, it’s RuPaul’s Best Group Therapy Race!

I don’t know what it is about those makeup mirrors, but if I’m within ten feet of them ever (IF THERE IS A GOD I WILL BE), I’m just gonna start confessing and crying immediately.

Oooooh lookit RuPaul as Monster!

So SHINY!

Omigod the Kardashian Musical is the best thing ever.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Shea as Blac Chyna was awesome, and I don’t even know who that is! There was some miscasting (Cynthia as Kim, Eureka as Northwest (?)) but Farrah Moan was as perfect as Sasha was…not as perfect.

Runway time! Faux Fur Realness!

I’m sorry but RuPaul’s Eureka commentary had to be repeated because it made me laugh for a minute straight: presenting “The Whore of Whoville!”

“Stop relying on those…crutches.”

Critique time!

Peppermint: good staying in character! Stop wearing stupid skirts

Alexis: gets alllls the kudos for her Kris Jenner Momager role, but her faux fur look: Already Available. Mall. Ooooooh

Cynthia: her massive dress has swallowed her alive (THAT’S BAD?) but really, her Kim was no bueno. And she didn’t know the words.

Nina: Carson Kressly calls her runway “Mary J. Blige going to get milk in the winter in Chicago” which is perfect

But really: her bad attitude killed her energy. Ru asks if this is a conspiracy theory or is it paranoia? This IS RuPaul’s Best Group Therapy Race!! MamaRu reminds Nina to not wear her victimhood like a badge, which is a little harsh, but she’s the Mama, so I’m not gonna argue. Get out of your lovely head, Nina.

Farrah: underwhelming and nobody knew which Kardashian she was. That’s because she’s a Jenner!

Shea: course they loved her! She was awesome! She’s gotta be top three at least.

The judges are more disturbed by Nina than they let on; there are some issues there. But her drag! It’s so fun. But that tear.

Who’s gonna win! Oh come on, we all know who slayed. She even has the chutzpah to flirt with MamaRu on the way by!

THAT’S confidence!

Oh wow and Nina makes it through to fight another day, leaving crying Farrah Moan and Cynthia Lee Fontaine to lipsynch for their lives to Meghan Trainor’s “Woman Up.”

Cynthia strips down to bra and ginch: good choice, that dress looked HOT. Farrah is soooo pretty, but I’m getting mostly fear and not energy.

Before Ru can say who’s staying, a member of production comes over and whispers something, she needs a moment.

Whut?

RuPaul walks off the set!

And then comes back to call Eureka forward.

WHY ARE WE ALL CRYING??

Because Eureka has to go home, the doctor’s news is not good and she need to go heal. All the tears, I’m so Eureka

Cynthia and Farrah both getta stay and we’re out to “Hey Kitty Girl” which I actually love but we’re all still crying. Until next time you guys. Cheers!