The Five S1:E6 Scottish Not Slavic Recap

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The season / series(?) finale of The Five on Sky1 and Canal is this Friday, they made us handy little binge-bundles of two episodes dropping at a time but also made them tricky to find, so I'm still two behind. No more! After this one, will be only one and then hope to be caught up by Friday when the last two air. SO I CAN'T SEE ANY MORE SPOILERS ON TWITTER. Let's roll!

We open at Alexa crying while watching a video message from her mum Selena (all supposition, no actual proof of that, turns out Selena looks quite a bit different when not dead) and The Weeknd plays. Selena's left Alexa a memory stick, probably what got her killed, here's what she wants Alexa to do with it.

It's morning and Ally wakes up in bed with a chipper Karl, yay! By that I mean BOOOOO, he's such a typical bro. I'm surprised he's still there and not up making them liver smoothies or something. Danny's organizing his large family and fighting with his wife Jennifer (who looks GORGEOUS) and has her mother's 60-year-old birthday party to go to. There's a pointed remark in that she doesn't see her mother EVERY DAY *look across at Ray*, she's going and doesn't give a flying fig about who looks after Ray: that's for Danny to sort out. And she won't be back UNTIL he's got it sorted; he really needs to put his dad in a home. Since Danny's never home EVER, he's probably missed how difficult it is to care for a full grown adult in the grip of dementia.

Danny does not call the home Jennifer suggested first episode (Esther House or somefing like that), instead he calls Ally; he wants to check out another of Jesse's possible routes.

I totally called it, Karl wants to stop for a smoothie on the way to work, awww! Ally is hungover and already regretting this shame-shag, wanting to rush right to work, but Karl needs to stop by a hospice on the way to drop off something for his dad. Awww, humanizing the bro! That's not predictable. I wonder if he has a past??

Mark's over to see Pru at the shelter, he would call, but since Stuuuuart checks Pru's phone..."yeah, but not in a psycho way" says Pru and we all goggle in disbelief. Mark calls her on it, she apologizes for being pissed and trying to give him a shock through the Anyway, Mark can't go for a I'm Sorry I Was A Dick Last Night Breakfast, he's off to find Alexa(er) while Pain(Payne?) watches from his car.

They wander inside the shelter to see the worst jailhouse tattoo ever, I mean. "Britnay" is all crooked and it's infected and the whole shelter is feeling gross. Besides which, her name was Rachel, which just makes the whole thing a farce. If you get a tattoo of the name of someone who was using an alias (which had to be anyway, not many prospective parents don't know how to spell Britney, thanks to Ms. Spears), does that make them the jerk for lying, or you the moron for memorializing someone who clearly didn't care enough about you to give you their real name? Let's talk about it in comments! Mark asks the shelter worker after Alexa, she has a cast and hangs out with Lorna over there in the corner.

Ally is NOT handling her hangover very well, getting sick and going inside the hospice to find Karl: she wants to GO. What she finds is Karl waxing poetic about how much he likes her to his dad, that's not awkward at all! This storyline, the You Should Date Guys From Work That Say Inappropriate Things And Talk About Your Ass With Their Friends In Front Of You, Again, AT WORK Because They're Really Nice Guys Underneath It All is so trite and such shite and all kinds of other things that rhyme, but it does appear that's what we're in for with these two lovebirds.

Driving back to work after, we find out that Ally didn't even have a dad; her mom went the IVF with anonymous donor route and good on her, THAT'S not an easy row to hoe. He figures that's why she's got such massive glaring Daddy Issues and now I'm wondering if they're actually related. I may have been watching too much Game of Thrones.

Mark is getting exactly nowhere with Lorna re: Alexa, but he does have that one girl who spoke out at the school, maybe Alexa(er) is staying with her, suggests Lorna?

Awesome Bro Karl has already told all the other bros at work, yaaaay. Danny looks as though he thinks he's living in an alternate universe, he can't believe his eyes. They go out to his car to find...Ray and Danny's youngest kiddo sitting there. "Don't ask" snaps Danny.

They're ALL in the woods now, Danny explaining how they have to rethink the entire escape (can anyone else see that and not think "esCAP-EE" from Finding Nemo? Just me? Oilright) route that Jesse took lo those 20 years ago.

Ally's distracted, though, watching Ray and Danny's kiddo playing: what's the attraction for families and parents and all of that? I will say that MOST people don't get to choose about the whole "having parents" thing, but as for why people have families, it's what we do, yeah? Unless we don't, and that's cool too. It's best not to think about it in metaphysical terms, I've found. I thought I couldn't have children for most of my life, and then all of a sudden it was as if we figured out what went where and we had just whacks of them and had to figure out how to get the spigot turned to Off again. I am grateful every day for my wee gang of hooligans, I wouldn't have them any other way, but I don't think I would feel as though I had a half-life without them. I'd probably dance on more pianos with my liver punching me periodically and sleep in more, but then I wouldn't know that I could withstand the sheer volume of bodily fluids I have coming at me on the regular. It's like Boot Camp!

Back on the show: Ally's heard Ray mis-remembering Jesse's disappearance and decides to question him about what happened, specifically where the case files ended up? She strikes gold, Ray's hid them in the basement after Marosi's conviction. Road trip to their old house!

Mark is hot on the trail of the beautiful young girl who he knows is friends with Alexa, er-ooh that sounds wrong. He's following her to find Alexa! And he does, she's been hiding out under a bridge overpass. He approaches, she screams, but his in with Slade helps her calm down a little. He explains about being hired to find Kenton, and tells her that she's not responsible for what happened with Kenton, she's underage and he's in a position of authority and then she drops the bomb. It's not what everyone has been thinking; Kenton's her dad.


Okay, let's review. Kenton is married to Laura, and has fathered Simon, who hired Mark. Kenton and Laura were estranged but reconciling at the time of Kenton's untimely (or timely, we just don't know yet!) death, could it be anything to do with the fact that he had a baby with Selena Callaway, Alexa's mum? Was Selena always a prostitute? Was Kenton a pimp? So! Many! Questions!

Okay, so it's a story as old as time; young woman gets pregnant, young man doesn't want to know, young woman has baby and goes on the game to support herself and the wee babeh. Nobody knows, including Alexa until a week ago. Sooooo. Why was she hanging out in closets with Kenton then? It doesn't sound like just once, or just a week ago. Hm. Why does Mark care? He tells her about Jesse's blood appearing at her mum's crime scene, as a witness, or as someone trying to help her...(help her onto his knife, maybe), that's why he's been trying to find her. She looks freaked the fcuk OWT.

Danny's back at his old house, asking to search the basement and the hawt Asian dude knows him! Oh, he knows his name from the measurements marked on the wall, and I had forgotten that Ray was such an abusive fuckwit, we get to see more flashbacks of him beating Danny and his mother. And now Danny has to take care of him. Families are complicated, y'all.

Alexa's got the memory stick out, she's telling Mark about it and how devastating it was to watch it after her death. Selena told her to go to Kenton, and she did, and that was when they saw he and she hugging in his office and turned it into so much more in their filthy, filthy teenage minds.

So. That means Slade is the real criminal mastermind, what with his killing Kenton and all. It's connected to Porter and Starr of course, and a Slavic looking gentleman grabbed her and that's how her arm was broken. She ran right to Slade's shelter, and didn't answer Kenton's call. Kenton left a message saying he was going to negotiate with Porter and Starr at the OldTown Hotel, where Slade shot him in the face. Huh.

Danny is finding all kinds of things stuck up inside the coal chute in his old basement; including a very old pack of smokes and all the Jesse case files. He also finds the clothes he was wearing that fateful day, AND a baseball bat he was carrying. Do you think Ray was trying to protect Danny?

Mark leaves his umpteenth phone message for Slade; he's found Alexa, call as soon as he can! He appears to have been overheard by Pain (Payne?).

Ally has reached Cranky on the Hangover Scale, it's just after just after Hongray and right before Making a Fuss So I Can Go Home And Sleep. She's short with Danny's kiddo and Ray advises her that alone is better on this job. So would gingerale and a burger and eleventy thousand hours of sleep at this point.

Mark and Pru are comforting Alexa at the shelter when Laura calls; Simon's having a meltdown and needs an update on his dad's case. Alexa goes outside to have a ciggie, to be approached by the stalkerazzi following Mark. Stalkerazzi says Kenton's alive and if she wants him to stay that way, Alexa will go with her. One call and Kenton's dead, move. Get the tag, Mark! Oh and while he's running out after Alexa, so is Payne (Pain?)! Er-ooh, what's this? He doesn't work for Porter and Starr any longer? So he claims, and just then up rolls Slade, it's all lads together after Alexa!

Danny is confronting his dad about his old adolescent clothes he found in the coalchute, moved to the point of anger and aggression. Ray says Danny was so....destructive when angry...bashing things. With that bat. And they saw Jesse too, he was across the street from Danny's house and he went after him mid-destruction spree. He didn't come back for hours and wouldn't say anything and maybe that's why Ray destroyed all the case files and hid the evidence; he thought Danny did it. Danny didn't do it, pfft. I mean. He was mad at his dad because his dad was an abusive fuckwit, he didn't just randomly start bashing things.

Alexa has been brought to see FauxJoe, he says he used to help out her mum and breaks the news of her dad's death very coldly and matter-of-factly. She tries to run, but she's on a massive grounds with an architectural-looking building on it; school or mansion? Someone has money, anyway. Stalkerazzi takes her money and leaves.

In the kitchen is one of our masterminds, Porter (I think?) is explaining to Alexa why her mum died, the bald guy that grabbed her also killed Selena. Huh. I didn't get a good enough look to see if he looked like Jesse. Also, my bad, the Slavic-looking Payne (Pain?) is Scottish AF, not the least bit Slavic. It's the cheekbones! Say Wednesday!! He and Slade suggest a diversion, not calling the police and they're off.

Porter and FauxJoe find the memory stick in Alexa's cast immediately, I just hope Mark made a copy first. I don't think he had time, but it's a matter of time until they figure out the encryption code. Mark's following behind Slade, huffing and puffing "when did you become Bruce Willis? This is riDICulous" ahahahahaha. I love English accents, you can really tell the disdain just on an extra octave or so.

Tall, Skinny and Scottish has made it past the front gate, but Useless Mark couldn't remember two numbers! Two numbers! You had one job! Payne gets shot right after, through the knee and it was a beautiful shot, if you can say that about someone being shot through the knee. They're making a right bloody mess out of Porter's fancy house, aren't they.

Slade has been flushed out of hiding and Porter is monologuing at him, he's acting in self-defense! They killed one of his men *cue stagey slo-mo killing of FauxJoe* lots of shouting, more monologuing and bleeding and I'd like to take him seriously, but he's a ginge, see... Also, Mark is creeping up from behind, I have less than no faith that he'll be able to do anything.

Alexa coughs up the encryption code, just as Mark slowllly makes it over and tackles Porter, shouting: who did you send to kill Selena?? Who? My brother's DNA etc etc and then Payne shoots Porter in the head. The police have been called, Payne is planning to take the fall for it all, he was a de facto dad to Alexa and it all looks very grim right now. Everybody who was in Alexas's life is dead or going to prison.

LOL okay now. Slade takes them to... Kenton. It's all over, Alexa's in the van and he can go home now. Sure! They all go home to see Laura and Simon and it's Happy Families once again.

Now we get to find out what really happened; Kenton was in the hotel room with Yellow Car dude, and THAT'S who he shot in the face. We should check that crime scene for Jesse's blood! Slade had remarkable presence of mind, getting rid of the body and moving the car and putting Kenton up in a safe house. When he saw Porter, the P in his phone, he knew that he and Payne were arguing about Alexa, and then that's how the rest came off. How did a guy running a shelter become Bruce Willis, as it happens? Me and Mark wanna know

Slade blames his lack of being forthcoming on wanting to keep Mark clear and unsullied, unlike him, which leads to him confessing to killing Jay, which we already mostly knew. So. Lots happened this episode, we found out all kinds of things, and several red herrings have been introduced, including young Danny as a suspect in Jesse's disappearance. Scottish, and not Slavic, Payne (Pain?) is now wearing a White Hat, Slade has come clean (as far as we know), and Laura and Kenton have doubled their dependents over night. Until next time!