Seven Hells! It’s the first episode of the seventh season of Game of Thrones!

Spoilers abound!

Woo hoo, after 400 odd days we are back, and let me tell you MY BODY IS READY. TTM and I are getting the band back together for this season of GoT (shotgunned the keytar), so let’s hit it!

TTM: year three baby!!

We open with Walder Frey (errrr, is this the right epi?) at yet another feast in that dang hall. We do not like weddings anymore. He gives a stirring speech to his Frey kin, encouraging them to charge their goblets with the finest wine in the land. This is SO NOT the Walder Frey (David Bradley) we know, I smell a rat. A rat with rather impressive eyebrows.

The speech turns scathing, as does the wine in their throats, and we all know who is in that Walder Frey suit now. It’s our girl Arya (Maisie Williams)! She peels Walders face off (strangely satisfying the way his eyelid stretches) and tells the girls she spared to spread the word that Winter has come. All over the Freys it seems, oh God SORRY (not sorry), it was there to be said TTM? Hehe.

TTM: THAT WAS GLORIOUS!! I did the same thing: er, isn’t the Head Rat dead? Where are we in the space/time continuum but then s/he said they’d gathered every single Frey and I knewwwwwwww. I still could cut glass by the end, Arya Stark is all growed up and taking no prisoners! And er, yeah, winter has came.

CUE THE CREDITS – DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN . . . . .

We’re out in the snow and fog, and it just keeps rolling in. Reminds me of my walk to work this morning, who is this emerging from the fog? Is it my boss? Although strikingly similar looking, it is not, it’s the Night’s King and his band of chilly men. On the march towards the Wall. With Wun Wun bringing up the rear. Good gravy.

TTM: Not Wun Wun!!

Meera (Ellie Kendrick) and Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) arrive at the Wall, big ups to Meera for pulling that sled all that way. I’m still not ever going back to watch the Hodor episode. Nope. Edd Tollett (Ben Crompton) is suspicious but lets them in after Bran reels off all the things he has seen in his visions, including the battle at Hardhome. Edd lets them in, you can almost see him contain his excitement at meeting yet another Stark. Quick shut the gate before more arrive!

TTM: you get a lot of people claiming to be Starks, do ya, Tollett? Considering everyone wants to murder them? Edd looks so much more mature all of a sudden!! I will probably never forgive Bran for Hodor. YOU hold the door!!!

At Winterfell, we’re with Jon (Kit Harington), Sansa (Sophie Turner) and the gang, stirring up the troops. Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) and his Free Folk are called upon to be the last line of defence, and you know what this will mean for my favourite beardy ginger. Better make some inroads with the Lady Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) while you can, fella.

TTM: I’m your second favourite (unbeardy) ginger, right?

Jon knows what’s coming and drops the bomb that it’s not just boys and men between 10 and 60 that will be fighting, the girls will be too. A few crusty old dudes, who I can’t remember the names of, start to grumble but OUR QUEEN Lyanna Mormont (Bella Ramsey) steps up to the plate and serves him up some feminist truth. No knitting by the fire for this ICON thankyouverymuch. Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham) approves.

TTM: #TeamLyanna

The subject of the castles belonging to House Karstark and House Umber, which are the last before The Wall, is brought up by Jon. Sansa rudely interrupts, wanting the Karstarks and Umbers to be stripped of their homes as punishment for supporting House Bolton. Um, exsqueeze me missy, there’s only one Lord Commander in the vicinity.  Jon Snow puts on his big boy pants and shoots her down and I am strangely turned on right now (he’s not a foot shorter than me, he’s not a foot shorter than me).

He gets the young heirs to House Karstark and House Umber to come forward and declare their allegiance to House Stark. I’m not tearing up, you are! Sansa is pouty and my bae Lord Baelish (Aiden Gillen) gives his best Smirky McSmirkFace from the back of the room. This show does weird things to me.

TTM: I’m with Sansa!! And then men are too, funny how Jon’s all: women are our equals! SHADDUP SIS THE MENZ ARE SPEAKING!! She could have picked her timing slightly better. One weekend with Lytylfyngyr. Just one. I like how the speech to the young heirs was all: THIS TIME YOU MEAN IT, RIGHT?? Like for reals?

Jon reprimands Sansa once they head out, he can’t been seen to have his sister undermining him. Sansa argues that he may be coming over a bit Joffrey-esque. Rude! She insists that he needs someone with a brain about him in order to avoid following the family tradition of having his head lopped off.  She gives him the old you is smart, you is kind, you is important speech, and old Nothing Knower buys it for now. You gotta give that girl a direction to point all those smarts in Jon, before she points them at your back.

A raven arrives from Cersei, demanding that the Starks bend the knee, but no way in Seven Hells is that happening. Sansa warns Jon that Cersei should not be brushed aside, that biotch be cray cray. And a little bit awesome.

TTM: we all secretly wanna be Cersei, even if we tell people it’s Sansa. Without the incesty parts. Poor Jon, he wants Sansa’s approval so bad I can smell it all the way from here. Although it might be those furs. Gurl, you know he’s four feet tall, right?

Cersei (Lena Headey) is at King’s Landing scheming over a map some poor schmuck is painting, when Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) arrives. She points out their lack of allies, including bro Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), and Jaime gives her the “well stop killing everyone” look. She’s her father’s daughter though, a plan is in motion as we speak. They briefly mention their (herk) kids, but Cersei is over all that, seeing as they’re ashes now and whatnot. Sigh, poor Margaery and Tommen.  Who looks after Ser Pounce now?

TTM: Somehow I thought she’d be sadder about her poor, doomed unholy offspring

The plan appears to be crazy old Cap’n Euron (Pilou Asbaek) Pugwash and his Iron fleet. They found a shitload of trees apparently. And wouldn’t you know it they’re right off the coast!  Uncle Euron is willing to help, in exchange for a Queen.  Again, good gravy.

TTM: Jamie always looks kicked whenever his sister makes plan to bone somebody else

Cersei and Euron meet, and the crazy fooker is quick to lay down some compliments to Cersei, and some cracking insults to Jaime, one which makes his whole scalp move. They share tales of murdering kinsmen, and the enjoyment they got out of it. Euron agrees the Iron Islands aren’t much – rocks, bird shite and people more unattractive than most. cough*Theon and Yara*cough. She rejects his offer, but he is willing to prove himself and bring her a gift. Anyone else slightly worried for Tyrion’s prospects of keeping his head attached to his neck right now?

TTM: HAHAHAHAHA I laughed so hard that I scared the kids; then had to hide my screen because they wanted to know what was so funny. I thought Pilou was kinda dirtyhot (think Chris Pine in Smokin’ Aces) but nope: just dirty. Wait: did Theon die??

Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) is slaving away in the Citadel in Old Town, waiting to be allowed to become a Maester and access the forbidden texts in the library. What follows is the most disgusting thing I have seen on Game of Thrones, and that’s saying something. Let’s just say that Spoopy the Remix is unlikely to be the feel-good hit of the Winter.

TTM: Samwell wins worst job ever

Sam even gets to weigh the organs at an autopsy (joy!), and the Archmaester Marwyn the Mage (newbie Jim Broadbent), tells him that all men serve in the Citadel. He does believe Sam’s story of the White Walkers, but cannot be swayed by his talk of finding Dragonglass and other information from the forbidden books in the library. Cue “Denied” stamp. Until Sam swipes the keys and some books while Marwyn is snoring later. He so needs a cloak of invisibility! Or a Marauders Map at the very least.

TTM: Marwyn the Mage is my favourite new GoTter! That kind of levelheadedness re: the state of the world is exactly what’s needed right now *coughTwitterfeedcough* It’s just that…does he know this battle had a bunch of books written about it? Coz that seems important

Sansa watches Brienne train poor sex bomb Pod in the ways of the sword. Tormund swaggers over, jealous that Brienne has Pod (Daniel Portman) on the ground. She is still impervious to his charms and heads up to where Sansa is watching with Littlefinger.

Littlefinger tries to weasel out of Sansa what would make her happy, desperately hoping it’s a diminutive man with bell sleeves, a skunk stripe and Machiavellian moustache .

TTM: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Alas, this is not it, Sansa just wants to take a little bit of power back. After that shit Ramsay, who could blame her? We all know who is to blame. Brienne appears and Littlefinger swishes off to find a mirror to practice his moustache twirls. Brienne warns Sansa that he wants something, and Sansa replies with the equivalent of No Shit, Sherlock.

TTM: I am not gonna be down for any shown cosplay involving Sansa dressing up as her mom

Arya comes across a wee little leprechaun singing in the forest, it’s Edd Shyrryn (I don’t know his character’s name ok?).

TTM: I was legit: HEY THAT SOUNDS LIKE ED SHEERAN! Sing Angel!!

He and his band of merry men harmonise like beautiful (dirty) hipsters, until they spot Arya. They offer her food and warmth for the night (uh huh), and she accepts, Needle at the ready. They are surprisingly friendly and non-rapey (Hurrah!), Edd even gets to say a couple of lines and have a little giggle. Especially when Arya tells them she’s off to kill the Queen.  Regicide, hilar!

TTM: I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but WHY aren’t they rapey / murdery? These are Lannister soldiers. There was a moment there between our Eyebrows and WonkEye, yes?

The Hound (Rory McCann) is with Beric Dondarrion (Richard Dormer), Thoros of Myr (Paul Kaye) and the Brotherhood seeking shelter from the cold. The Hound has not lost his touch for the hilarious insult, and is excelling in the splendid usage of the old See You Next Tuesday. He thinks Dondarrion and Thoros are full of it with their talk of the Lord of Light, just his luck to get stuck with fire worshippers. They find shelter in a house the Hound knows, having been there with Arya, the place deserted, apart from the remains of the family who died there.

The Hound questions why Dondarrion is brought back to life so many times, when he’s not even that good of a bloke. Dondarrion is as confused as the next person, maybe it has something to do with his badass eyepatch. Thanos encourages the Hound to look in the flames, they are the only thing that can show him the truth. He very grudgingly does, and sees the Wall where it meets the sea, a castle below a mountain shaped like an arrowhead, and the dead marching past by their thousands. Gulp. Sounds like Tormund’s new abode, Eastwatch-By-The-Sea.

Has the Hound finally found something to believe in? Man, this Cleganebowl is going to be epic if it ever happens.  Newly religious zinger slinger Sandor vs newly sewn together grunter Gregor.

TTM: ohhhhhhhh hahahahahahahah ohhhhhh just Tormund will be soon there, shouting “my girlfriend kicked your arse!!” The Hound is like a toddler with sleep deprivation, dropping truth bombs and flinging poop whenever possible. I love Dondarrion’s voice so much, he sounds like anyone in a 1930s movie with a transatlantic accent.

Um: who were the dead people The Hound buried?

Sam, Gilly ((Hannah Murray) and little Sam are in their rooms, Sam almost needing matchsticks to prop his eyes open from scouring all that Olde Timey text. He turns a page to reveal a map of Dragonstone. A map that shows a mountain made from . . . . Dragonglass. Who woulda thunk it? Stannis even told him about it for crying out loud. Better send that other lunkhead a raven then.

TTM: Yeah, that might have been one of those things you wanted to remember, Samwell

Sam is on his daily rounds, collecting empty bowls (hopefully) from the cells, when he is grabbed by a putrid, scaly fleshed, red and grey arm. The arm asks whether Daenerys (Emilia Clark) of the hundred and seven names has arrived in Dragonstone, and Sam tells him he hasn’t heard if she has! Oh Ser Friendzone, I love you but I’m so pleased we only saw your face in profile.I couldna bear it!

TTM: I LOVE YOU SER JORAH!!!

Speak of the dragon, it’s Daenerys looking as gorgeous as ever about to land on Dragonstone. She and her crew disembark, and she is home! Lemme just say, that location is incredible! I’m tearing up and I don’t even like Dany that much! The dragons circle, the music swells and she makes her way up to the castle. There’s stone dragon heads, huge pillars and a super stylin dragon throne.

TTM: Wait: how can you not like Dany?? She’s female, compassionate, tough as nails and all ephemeral looking! What’s not to like?? I won’t lie, I was mostly looking at Tyrion (COURSE) and Lord Varys because he was hilarious on Car Share (I’m sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop!)

Dany forgoes the throne and heads to the war room with that magnificent table. She needs to get some sage in there stat, smudge away that Red Lady voodoo.There hasn’t been a word of dialogue, until Tyrion looks over at Dany and she says . . .

Alright, alright, alright! Some epic scenes, a few clunky set ups, but things are moving rapidly now! I can’t really think of anything more they could have included in the first episode, can’t wait for next week’s episode “Stormborn”.

TTM: I love how we got so much Hound in there; I had no idea he was gonna be a factor! I just liked him with Arya and getting smucked by Brienne. A good set up to start us off, woot Game of Thrones season 7!*cheesyguitarriffoot!!*