Hi everyone! I’m TTM, your age-inappropriate recapper for this returning show The Hills: New Beginnings. I used to watch this show late at night so nobody could see a grown woman was engrossed in the goings-ons of the very young, affluent and privileged. I told myself: at least it wasn’t The Simple Life, right? (couldn’t get in Canada). Let’s see what the gang has been up to and who is back!

Introoooooo!! Okay, Audrina Patridge is back, my god people were mean about her. I’m not gonna call her Ceiling Eyes, so if that’s your jam, there are lots of other recappers who undoubtedly are. As you were! She’s so pretty, maybe not the best actress I’ve ever seen but she survived in that shark tank and that counts for something.

Oh wow, Speidi is back too. Spencer Pratt is one of the OG reality dudes, I remember him from David Foster’s first show: The Princes of Malibu with Brody Jenner (had a HUGE grandma crush on that dude). A lot of people had a lot of opinions about Spencer and his flesh-coloured beard marrying Heidi Montag, especially after Heidi had a metric tonne of plastic surgery. I will say this: not only did Heidi not look like herself any more, she didn’t look particularly human, either and I’m glad to see she’s mostly grown into her face.

Also: it’s not like people can control what colour hair grows out of their bodies, maybe Spencer thought he was rocking an early Jax special.

Oh sorry, we’re back to Audrina, who’s apparently just gone through a bad divorce where we all know terrible things. Off to Google, so I know what she’s talking about. It looks like a quick marriage with a longtime partner ended in an extremely contentious divorce with custody issues. That seems, unfortunately, not that unusual and yes, it takes time to get over these things, Audrina. I got you!

OOOOOH Brody Jenner is back!! And married to Kaitlynn, whom he calls a psychopath, so there’s that. That must be slightly confusing with his parent Caitlyn having a very similar name, yes? He and Spencer haven’t been bros since Brody dated Lauren Conrad, wait, is LC coming back??

Mischa BARTON is here?? Isn’t she acting any more? Must research. Wow. She’s been a machine, what’s she doing on The Hills? Talking of people being mean: she had a lot more nicknames than respect back in the day. Unfortunately, the thing I remember most about her is that Cisco Adler, the guy she was dating, has an enourmous droopy scrotum. That’s it! But gossip bloggers were savage.

Oh jeez, random dudes are everywhere! Brandon Lee, Justin Bobby. When did Justin Brescia grow up? He has lines around his eyes!! There’s Frankie Delgado too, he looks 100 percent as I expected him to.

Okay, no LC but we do get Stephanie Pratt, sure. Not to face-shame, but her cheekbones look like Heidi’s did right after her implants so I think they’ll probably calm down a little during the season. I will have trouble picking her out, so hopefully people shout her name when they’re screaming at her. Thanks!

We open to Bryce Vine’s “La La Land: ft YG with Audrina unpacking her moving van with a theatrical sigh. She arranges her clear plastic furniture and tells us how much she is enjoying finding herself again.

Heidi pulls up and enters Audrina’s new house after several meaningful poses with a gift bag.  Much screaming and drawn-out vowels ensue, there’s another blonde woman there inappropriately dressed for moving as well. Wait, WHAT. That’s Whitney Port! Why didn’t we getta Whitney intro! I loved her, she was so…reasonable/calm and I even watched The City.

We finally get one screen cap! ONE! She has a baby!

Heidi pulls out her phone and shares a picture of her son Gunner, awwww.

She’s struggling with being apart from her kiddo and I totally get that. I couldn’t bear to be away from my babies, would have a lot of anxiety culminating in attacks if it went too long, say over two hours.

Audrina’s been dealing with all of that PLUS a divorce on top of that with a custody battle and I never ever thought I would have so much in common with the glamourous ladies of The Hills!

Then they start shittalking Brody’s wife and all is as it ever was on The Hills. Audrina spills that the first person to reach out to her when the news of her divorce broke was….Justin Bobby! He wants to hang out!

*Much squealing* and that was just me!

Hahahaha Heidi said you know what you can get from Justin, so go get it. Hellz yeah ladies.

Now we’re onto Stephanie Pratt and I already don’t care. Spencer and his sister had a falling out so she moved to London and did that thing to her cheeks. Frankie Delgado is happy to hear that she’s back, he’s throwing a Stephanie Pratt is Back party!

*MTV does the best music and shooting in their shows and has better production values than a lot of (fully) scripted TV.

Why are we watching Spencer watch Heidi take a bubble bath in full makeup? Anyone? And why does Spencer look like an over-the-hill prizefighter gunning for a comeback in his satin robe? Where did his neck go? I know he HAD a neck. Aging is weird!!

I mean.

Spencer wants to be famous again so badly that he can taste it. I get that, I won’t mock him, everyone in the world wants fame on some level and he’s owning it. And he had fame, he worked it like a full time job and I understand him wanting another taste. Just. Maybe don’t be so fucking obnoxious this time, okay?

They moved to Costa Rica in 2011 to reset their relationship, I’m guessing it worked because: baby. Spencer’s going out on the town, but he has a strict midnight curfew, remember when he had two phones?

Spencer’s hanging out with Brody tonight, he says they don’t see each other since Kaitlynn came into the picture but I thought Brody dating LC was the problem, wasn’t it? Weird

They meet at Hyde, Frankie’s there and wow Brody is still hot. So hot. Frankie owns a bunch of clubs now, that makes sense. He brings up the Kaitlynn/Caitlyn thing hahaha

Spencer shows up, looking like a circus clown next to rocksexy Brody and chillclub Frankie, he immediately looks like he’s stirring shite asking about marriage ups and downs.

Brody answers honestly, which slows things: he and Kaitlynn differ on when they want kids. He always was better at selling storylines. He doesn’t want it as badly as Spencer.

Spencer pounds expensive tequila and mugs for the camera; was he always this insecure in Brody’s presence? It’s coming off him in waves.

They go into his issues with his sister, Stephanie has said some pretty terrible things in the press. To be fair, Spence, she was probably just trying to be famous again too.

Brody quips that Stephanie’s been looking pretty hot; this leads to a shot from Spencer about not being invited to Brody’s wedding in Indonesia last year.

*See? Brody knows how to sell it without overselling, bruh

Brody had a lot of closer friends in his life when he got married, I get it. When I got married, I asked all my old friends to be in my wedding and only one actually came because lives change over time and sometimes forever friends turn out to be We Were Friends.

Spencer doesn’t hold grudges…JK! For real, he says “JK” out loud, like he was texting someone and didn’t want to spell out all the words like “just kidding.”

Woooo, lookit Audrina’s French tuck! Tan France is everywhere, y’all!

She’s meeting with Stephanie, it feels like they’re never been apart! They’re already talking about Stephanie and Spencer fighting but Audrina thinks Spencer has changed. Audrina talks about her relationship and her past while Stephanie sits there with her mouth open and her phone calling her name from her hand. Audrina cries and still, not one word from Stephanie.

Apparently Audrina only got married because she was pregnant, ah how often does that work? Stephanie the Sphinx finally breaks her code of silence to ask about Justin Bobby. They’re gonna be together forever!

Well. At least for 45 minutes on a regular basis, one hopes.

Spencer and Heidi are drinking wine again in their kitchen talking about how happy they are until Spencer brings up Stephanie’s welcome home party. Heidi cries, but not because of the mean things Stephanie has said, but because she doesn’t want to leave her baby again. Guuurl, I feel you.

I will say that I need to learn to cry like this so as to not ruin the makeup I never wear.

Spencer doesn’t see a way they can not go to this party, but promises it can be very short. Can she not bring the adorable Gunner? He looks walking-ish age?

Now we finally meet Kaitlynn, Brody’s wife and it’s not off to a great start. He slept in the car the night before because Kaitlynn absolutely lost her shite at how late he came home. He calls her a terrifying psychopath, erm.

Brody Jenner DJs? I seriously have to do something about the cringe inducing quality of my crushes. I love that he has a wrinkly forehead now, no Botox there! Maybe some eye work…

Wow, we’re really gonna see Brandon Lee’s butt in the shower before we’ve been properly introduced? He looks like a real life Chuck Bass and has been a friend of Brody’s for ages. Who’s his mom? PAMELA ANDERSON

I LOVE Pamela Anderson!!! Love her! I’m not getting into her politics, so no fighting, but she’s AWESOME!! And she’s Chuck Bass’s mom!

That’s also why Chuck Bass looks like Tommy Lee, got it, got it all right now. Why aren’t they showing us Pammy’s face? Okay whew! She looks much the same, but I would know Pamela Anderson’s voice anywhere! She and Tommy are still supporting of each other at least.

Brandon Lee doesn’t talk to his dad currently, but the family connection explains why he has his own house. Okay, his mom just said he has to pay his own mortgage, so I take it back. Disguy is modeling? Okay, I get it

They sage each other, which is the absolute problem with people taking important ceremonies from other belief systems and bastardizing them for their own purposes.

We’re on to Mischa Barton! She’s meeting Stephanie Pratt on the beach because apparently Stephanie is our fluffer for everyone’s storyline this week. She got hugely famous at 17 when she starred in The O.C., interesting that she’s hanging out with the reality version of that show.

They talk about gossip blogger Perez Hilton, he really went after her. Also Sienna Miller, whom I can’t think of without silently adding his nickname for her, but there were so many. Nowadays Perez is much calmer and after getting punched in the face by The Blackeyed Peas he seriously rerouted all his nastiness into some more positive things. He is still seen as a parasite on some level, but you have to remember how all-encompassing his fame and influence was back around the early oughts. He was haaaaated by celebrities and adored by readers who really egged on the bullying.

Back to the beach! Mischa and Stephanie visit, Stephanie fills us in on some of her recent past. She was arrested when she overdosed on drugs while shoplifting. That’s rather a lot all at once.

So is the news that Mischa was involved in a nasty revenge porn case; someone she thought she was in a relationship with sold a tape of them having sex. To be clear: she did not film a sex tape with this guy, he secretly recorded her then tried to sell them. What a scumbag.

Audrina’s meeting Justin Bobby for food and wine (it’s not a date! It’s so a date). Her sister is watching her daughter Kirra.

*Everyone keeps pushing Audrina to hook up with Justin, there must be some undercover info floating around out there.

He’s still adorable, even with that haircut!

Aw he’s so cute. I could just look at him. He rolled his sleeves! Tan France is EVERYWHERE!

Then he talks and I remember why she broke up with him. She asks if he’s seeing someone and he answers that he “feels” something coming on” like a cold, or wife and kids.

Audrina is still at the stage where she only wants to talk about her divorce and her ex, Justin is hanging in there.

So what does he do for a living? They can’t all be models, can they? We get a montage of him surfing, who cares what he does never mind.

Audrina meets Brody’s wife Kaitlynn at a poolside cabana to talk about having babies, oh wait, Brody and Justin are surfing together, what? Did I mistake the stubble? Brody makes Justin admit he and Audrina didn’t hook up the night before, he tells them they should just get married! Just do it!

Married people just wanna mess everyone else’s life, right?

Everyone dresses up and shellacs on the goo to get ready for Stephanie’s party, I love that they’re recycling 80s bridesmaid dresses for the show!

The Pratts get ready with their personal assistant Jair. JAIR. and Gunner’s assistant Abby awwww, Gunner is so adorable. I have a softspot for small blond boychildren.

Mischa gets a text while waiting for Audrina to get ready, Heidi and Spencer invited Perez Hilton to “clear the air.”

*Obvious Storyline Alert*

Huh. That’s gonna go super well!

Everyone shows up for the party, there’s a red carpet and velvet rope and allls the pretty people and we’re oot!

So what did you think? I love how slick the MTV production values are, you can’t beat them for that or how well their beautiful people follow direction. They maaaaybe overuse the slow-mo cam. Was it as fun for you to revisit as it was for me?? I’m just telling you right now: I am not reading gossip sites to keep caught up, that cult of no-personality is fun to watch but can be extremely time consuming to keep up with.

Until next time!