Hey everyone! Who's ready for the two night season finale of Bachelor in Paradise? Me either! But here we are, with several couples that may or may not have been dating for mere weeks under the hot Mexican sun ready to become the very next Janners. Rolling BiP S3:E10 after the break!
So who do you think will make it through? SPOILER ALERT, for all of you without TVs that don't follow Bachelor Nation stuff but still watch this show: Nick Viall has been cast as the next Bachelor, knocking out some dude named Luke and making Nick's part of this entire episode a good time to go get a snack and bevvie.
Grant and Lace are cuddling on a day bed, more circular talking about opening up to the love and not being afraid of the love and if Love to you is a feral cat who may or may not have rabies: you aren't ready for pet ownership OR a relationship. Lace and Grant would be a NIGHTMARE together.
Nick and Not Future Fiancee Jen are walking on the beach, he loves her giggle! The thing she would love most about him? Alone time for her to say he likes her with more than his lips.
We have our last arrival in Paradise, it's Tiara the Chicken Enthusiast and I'm sorry, Imma let her finish but Miss Fame is the Number One Chicken Enthusiast of All Time
But seriously, what? That's how they caption her, so it must be true!
Nick goes right over to Tiara to explain that she just needs a connection, even this late in the game which is totally not a game AND HOW COULD YOU SAY IT WAS A GAME?? Gawww. Everyone gossips about Nick daring to talk to Tiara, like, ALONE
Nick was only working Tiara for her date card, though, he wants time for him and Jen to figure out if they have a chance. SPOILER ALERT: they do not work out. He's been cast as the new Bachelor!
Nick and Jen's date is at a Carnival, yay! They're a cute couple but he isn't sharing enough verbally, so Jen drags him off to see a totally legit fortune teller. She has an accent and fringe and a table and she thinks Jen needs to manage her expectations when it comes to Next Bachelor Nick. Jen hears that as:
I like Jen, she's a straight shooter who cuts to the heart of things without using questions as a hammer, so I hope she heals well. They're both super cute, 10/10 should bounce in the ocean before leaving paradise.
They talk about stuff and drink beer and make out and then have a big cinematic kiss that ends in him grabbing her bum and THAT is what happens when you're into someone and are asking the Big Questions, not whatever Amanda and Josh have been doing this past month. Josh licking the inside of her mouth while moaning and them keeping enough room for 10 bibles between them.
Lauren's doesn't know WHAT she and her adorable midwest accent will be doing tomorrow at the rose ceremony; she takes Brett aside to ask him what he's thinking. He's a good looking guy, he just seems hella detached from everything. Is he promoting a modelling career or something?
He needs to tell Izzy that he's feeling Lauren more than her, I am absolutely sure that she will completely understand that the guy she dumped Vinny for based on how he looked is dumping her for someone else based on the other person's looks, right? She'll totally get that.
Brett takes Izzy aside; she thinks she's developing feeling for attractive, even MOAR attractive Brett and she hopes they make it to the end. He throws her in the friendzone and brings up Lauren, all while she's flipping her hair around, and he just would like to "move on from what we had...I guess" and what you HAD was about one and a half dates.
She understands, giving him a hug and going back to her room to collect her things calmly and maturely. Just kidding! She's crying before she hit the stairs and already talking about "unbelievably amazing" Vinny was. That's what we do, though, right? We run back to what is familiar and we want it back and NO. She can't go back, what is she gonna say? "I screwed up and the guy I THOUGHT I was much more attracted to than you dumped me for some blonde chick with a midwest accent who's OD'd on sunless tanner, but now I see that really: I was scared to be in a relationship with you. And I love you. And I TOTALLY didn't dump you on national TV for a guy I hadn't said 4 words to."
She cries to the girls while they cry back, how on EARTH can Lace see anything?? Eye tumours are a thing, a real thing and those lashspiders have got to be carrying enough bacteria to knock off a horse named Buttons. I bet Izzy and Lace workshopped Izzy's apology to Vinny: Lace: "go with scared, that's what always works for me when I act like a twatwaffle!" Izzy: "okay! I'll call it romantic, too!"
Izzy cry-packs (with no ginch, I was the only one who didn't catch that first time 'round) and Evan hollers from the balcony "go get your Vinny!!" and I had no idea how much I disliked Evan until right then. I can see why The Chad popped him one.
She will, Evan, she'll go get her Vinny because
She thinks her calling Vinny five seconds after she got dumped by the guy she dumped Vinny for is the "most romantic thing" she could have done. Let's make a short list of things that would be more romantic than that!
- sleep with one of his not-close frat brothers, second tier kinda thing
- say she thought about washing his truck, but then remembered a hair appointment, so she couldn't, but she thought about it, like, more than once
- hanging her extensions on his golf clubs
Any of those would be more romantic than what she's about to do; let's see how he takes it! It doesn't start well, since he doesn't recognise her voice and right now I'd like to give a nice long round of slow applause for whatever producer talked her into doing this call and convincing her it would be well-received because that.is.unreal.
She tells him she wants things to be like a fairy tale, because THAT's an argument. He calls her shallow and he "just can't be with somebody like that...there's no coming back from what happened" and OF COURSE THERE ISN'T.
Izzy is almost hysterical now, she makes herself hyperventilate until they have to pull over on the side of the road so she doesn't puke in the SUV. She feels like a shitty person and I would argue that she just makes shitty choices. You're welcome, Izzy!
Tiara is literally getting just 15 minutes of screen time, since there weren't any menz for her in Paradise, we watch this Chicken Enthusiast eat wings on the beach. Like you would.
Shushunna in the green lace dress with the purple lips is not very confident she'll be getting Wells' rose tonight, did you realise this is the last rose ceremony this year? Everything goes individual after this, no more teams! This is the Wells' Rose Ceremony in reality, everyone else knows who's picking who. Wells has to choose between Jami, Shushanna (not a name) and Kardashley.
Wells chats with Jami first, she would LOVE a rose from Wells tonight
She's very pretty, with a Natalie Portman vibe. I may be biased because I think someone said she's Canadian. They hang out and kiss but there are two more "ladies" to "talk" to before his rose ceremony!
Ashley just KNOWS that she likes Wells more than Jami, of course she does! She gets him to touch her butt as she's walking, Evan and Grant admire her game, not that this is a game, of course it isn't, GAWW
More gross kissing and Shushunna is just not down for sloppy thirds. She doesn't chase guys, they chase her and we have a runner! Wells stops her, is she sure she's ready to leave? She's not a HUNTER, Wells! They come to HER! He blah blahs about connection and she doesn't DO waiting, Wells, if he has to think about it: she's oot. She's an aduuulttt, she doesn't FIGHT for guys. I hate it when I sign up for the wrong reality show!
I guess that means sweaty Ashley or JesusJami will be getting Wells' rose pleasebeJesusJami pleasebeJesusJami pleasepleaseplease
Super tall Oompa Loompa Lauren is really looking forward to Brett's rose, can you imagine what their sheets would look like? Stick to charcoal, huntys!
Roses in order: Josh to Amanda (I love yous and moaning); Nick to Jen (bad earrings and moving forward OR NOT); Grant to Lace (why does Carly look more excited watching them kiss than when she's kissing Evan?); Evan to Carly (blah blah blah gross kiss, eye wipe after); Brett to: nobody. He doesn't feel enough connection to anyone, even OrangeLauren, to whom he apologizes. He and his blue pants are oot; he didn't want to end up in a Fantasy Suite too soon, so he "did what I had to do." That's legit the first time I heard a guy run from a show pressuring him to have secks.
Now the rose we've been waiting for, Wells! Jami would like "aggressively accept his rose" but he chooses Kardashley instead. She's suuuper pumped to get a non-friendship rose and remember last year when Jared had to drag her along from rose ceremony to rose ceremony because she would cry if he didn't? So many things wrong with that AND Ashley, who's now eating a petal from her non-friendship rose.
Chris Harrison is back in the morning, time to get serious, y'all! Relationship testing time! Janner is invoked: that's the dream, that's what we're all hoping for! Go off and have a serious convo: are you ready to mush your wobblies together on camera or not? How do you feel about audio recordings? Go talk it out and meet back here in 45!
It's all grade nine dance back at the casbahs, ladies on one side and menz on the other. Carly's face was freaking Ashley out, but DITTO, ASHLEY but it's because of Kirk dumping her at this exact point last year. Evan is aware of her anxiety.
Nick is slurring at the boys about liking Jen, but not sure about whether or not she's The One. I used to not believe in The One, but who knows? Not I, said the TTM. That goes in to discussing taking Ashley's virginity and there is just so much wrong with all of this but Imma try not to buzzkill too hard. Nick says if Wells takes Ashley's virginity, Wells will become a national treasure (because sex and especially virginity is a Gift from a woman to a man) but Wells is legit concerned that a 26-year-old virgin might not be comfortable on an overnight date with a guy she's gone on one date with. You know what, Wells? Ask her! She has agency and EVERYTHING!
Because right now, she's discussing with her girlfriends whether or not she'll sit on your face and / or private parts and her answer is (as JSierra put it) "a hard YES." So to speak. She can't WAIT to get into a locked Fantasy Suite for 12 hours with Wells!
On the other hand, I think he's totally right to be wary of her emotional state, since she's been holding everyone hostage emotionally since she got there.
Ashley's ready to go to cherry poppin' town, though (her words! Paraphrased!), it's either that or a convent and she's even seeking advice from Carly as to cherry poppin' pain. Piece of cake after the initial LOSS OF YOUR FLOWER, hang in there, Carly advises!
They're on very different pages, Ashley's excited for their Fantasy Suite date; Wells is trying to work up the nerve to "break up with Ashley." But. But. You can't break up with someone you aren't DATING!! Can you? Did me and Hiddles break up? That would explain a lot
He's gentle, he's mature and I'm sure she will take it in the spirit intended. She's crying before she hits the stairs and she likes the way he carries himself and he's a nice guy and then it all blends into tears. Wells and Ashley leave separately and then there were 8.
Oh jesus Chris Harrison just said and now there were 8. YOU DON'T GETTA QUOTE AGATHA CHRISTIE YOU HACK! This is the last time they'll all be together, everyone's going on their dates and then mebbe Fantasy Suite later.
Lots of walking on the beach and thinking, thinking thinking. Lace and Grant have their date in a beach town, bombing around doing regular date stuff. He's ready to lock this woman down and I cannot say how bad an idea to would be for these two to carry on any further, They just fight and fight and she pouts and acts like a ahole and then withdraws so he can chase her so she feels wanted extry bunches and THEY ARE GETTING TATTOOS IN MEXICO. A combination of their names: Grace and please. Do not do this. Stop now.
Paul Bunyan tats Grant up but Lace hates tattoos! Grant is covered in tattoos, just about every available surface is inked that we can see and really? Now you want to get a tattoo, on national TV before your producers and everything? On the inside of her wrist too, where there is NO fat for cushion, great idea! Do your feet next!
Nick and Jen surf and blah blah: we know things aren't working out with these two.
Carly and Evan are doing sex art? Sex art on ABC? Really? A mostly nekkid woman with very large breasts shows up, they will be painting with their naked bodies! They smear paint all over each other's bodies and there is just noooo chemistry between them. She's freaking out, though, this is the exact day she got Kirked a year ago and she just couldn't handle it happening again.
Now, here's my Carly/Evan theory, which I have expounded on previously, but bears a repeat: I think Carly sees Evan as the kind of guy she "should" like and hey, once she muscled past her gag reflex when he tried to kiss her, all was well! She dipped her toe in the water when Forgettable Brandon came around and she scooted right back to Evan when she realised she wasn't going to find anyone interesting / interested on Paradise. She knew he's take her to the end and after last time...nobody wants to get Kirked. Plus bevvies!
Josh and Amanda have found a field full of children to hang out with; this is the Josh Would Be A Great StepDad Montage. He wants to coach, hey, her dad coached, she could be a soccer mom! That is not always necessarily as glamourous as the educational videos make it seem.
Romantic date time! Carly is so fixated on what Kirk did, it seems to be driving what she wants from Evan. Everyone says what they need; mostly it's to hear I Love You and What Do You Want?
Carly loves her and Evan's weird ride, she's always wanted to like someone like him! Sigh. On to the I Love Yous and yay they both say it and whatever, man. Go with Thor. She's so happy, she's found her Person and it's Fantasy Suite time! Everyone's mics working?
Jen cares about Nick, but they have serious distance issues: she's in Florida and he's in California. He's giving this relationship the shot it deserves! Congrats on your new gig, Nick! Have fun celebrating in the Fantasy Suite! Again!
Lace and Grant are eating...he needs to hear those three little words, Lace...not yet, on to the Fantasy Suite! And she says it, yaaaaaayyyyy. The crowd goes *mild*. It's too bad about her lockjaw making her unable to enunciate words longer than a syllable. She sure hopes nothing gets in their way!
Amanda and Josh might actually get past first base!!! Omigod omigod! They just talk about kids, of course, I've never dated as a parent but I imagine that would be priority Uno. Josh can't believe they've passed every test this relationship has thrown at them and I guess he's talking about shouting aggressively at everyone who suggests he has a temper? WHY DOES HE MOAN SO MUCH WHEN HE'S KISSING?? Is he thinking about pizza???? It's so WEIRD!!
And that's it, we're oot! 4 couples are up and we've heard 3 get rings passed around, my money is on Nick and Jen not getting married...until tomorrow for the finale of the finale you guys! Cheers!