Below Deck Mediterranean S5:E01 I Like Big Boats And I Cannot Lie Recap

We're bacccckkkk, bebehs! It's not quite been a year, but we're with our Below Deck Mediterranean crew with new AND old faces! Well. "Old". Are you excited?? I love how Bravo has managed their timing so there is zero break between programming, we're never out of drunken shenanigans asea and rich people asking for shrimp cocktail at 3 am. Whewwww. Rolling into Below Deck Med S5:E01 I Like Big Boats And I Cannot Lie after the break!

ALSO: this is my personal 1000th post! 1000! That's a lot of trash

We open in Port Adriano in Mallorca, Spain, we're going to be aship The Wellington for this season of Below Deck Mediterranean! It's PURTY. I love place/boat names with a 'The'. All class. We've also got all kinds of returning crew, one of my very favourite captains is at the helm: Captain Sandy Yawn. Another familiar face is former lead deckhand Malia White, but she's now Bosun, wooo! I always thought she was very good at what she did. Also returning is chief steward Hannah Ferrier but it looks as though she's dealing with some major personal dramz in the preview and I'm worried that she's bullying a little stew I'll call Eyebrows until we meet properly. Let's find out what everyone's been up to and meet the new peeps!

Captain Sandy is alone on the boat until Hannah walks in, aww big hugs and we forget one of you almost fired the other at the end of last season!

(To be honest, they always want to fire everyone at the end of a season)

Captain Sandy told Hannah she was burned out, BUT

Hannah acknowledges that she's not planning to spend the rest of her life in yachting, but she's got a plan!

Hannah tells us a little about Mallorca, but doesn't speak Spanish and then I remember she's Australian, which is practically Canadian if Canada was 1000 degrees hotter.

Ahhh, Eyebrows is second steward Lara Flumiani, she has six seasons under her belt, which is amazing.

The third steward Jessica More has less experience, but isn't completely flying blind, so Hannah's optimistic about her as well.

(They're always optimistic in the beginning)

Let's meet our chef! This is Hindrigo Lorran but we're gonna call him Kiki. He's from Brazil, he's written a cookbook and most importantly: his name doesn't rhyme with Smadam Smick.

Captain Sandy warns him that she'll be checking his work, she had a bad experience with a chef last season, and the one before that and the one. You get it.

Malia arrives next, she's been working hard! She got her 210somethingcaptainsomething, wooo! Now she's back as bosun, she's gonna do great.

Captain Sandy shows Malia her crew, pointing out that Peter Hunziker might be a good choice for lead deckhand, but that's up to her!

Peter himself arrives as they're speaking, I don't think he's wearing that fanny pack ironically.

A reunion full of screaming for Malia and Hannah, they liked each other (made out while schwasted), hated each other (Malia did not appreciate being slut-shamed by Hannah) and found a neutral middle ground three years ago, has it really been that long??

Hannah had originally stuck Malia in with Kiko, because she assumed the bosun would have a penis and of course she did. Remember when it was assumed that the only reason Malia got the lead deckhand role was her looks? Awww.

Peter finally makes his way inside calling himself The Unit and now I have to revise my earlier statement about liking things named with a 'The'. He seems like your typical generic male muscular American of a particular age, but with extra self-stereotyping.

Another American deckhand arrives, hai Alex Radcliffe! You're another variety of generic frat boy, but you haven't referred to yourself in the third person as a building or genitalia yet, so I like you already!

We meet second steward Lara Flumiani, Hannah's already complaining, her second stew is really qualified to be a chief stew, like Bugsy, lo those many seasons ago.


Jessica More and Robert Westergaard arrive at the same time, welcome! He was a model.

Let's gather in corners and gossip about the bosun not having a penis! Alex and Pete like it, tell them what to do!

Jessica's been and done every line of work you can with little to no education (I mean, she may have an education, but none of her past jobs required a MBA exactly), ending with some spectacular editing from Bravo.

*slow clap*

Awwww, Alex and Jessica are pals! They worked together!

Robert is into Jessica immediately, but he's...okay, let's see how his personality shakes out/if he has one.

Provisions are heyah! Pete demands the heavy stuff and I'd like to hand him "Fates and Furies" by Lauren Groff but I haven't got all night here.

Plus: shhhh. We get it, you have big muscles, ooooo.

First team meeting in the salon! Captain Sandy shows us her big boat.

And again warns everyone that she's watching them, all the time. She trusted her last crew LOOK WHERE THAT GOT HER??

This is super deliciously awkward with one of the last crew listening and staring fixedly at the floor.

Their main goal is happy customers; they need to keep her happy or 'someone usually gets fired' (which happens like never, you guys are fine).

Captain Sandy introduces us to the people actually driving and maintaining the boat, hai Chief Engineer Marin, First Mate David and second engineer Warren! Now get off camera!

The deck crew meets outside to go over the plan for the season; Malia tells them to treat her like one of the boys and dubs The Unit as lead deckhand.

Then he calls himself The Unit and literally kisses one of his muscles and I'm not giffing it and you can't make me.

Is...Jessica always making that Instagram fishlip look? Like she's sucking air and narrowing her eyes all the time? So weiiiirdd. That could just be her face, which would mean I am totally not making fun! People do stuff to their lips all the time, why not? It's their face!

Hannah got dragged for her boring and un-inventive table settings last year so she wants Lara to fill that void. This is Lara's response to being told to unleash her creativity.

Think it might be on you again, Hannah! I mean, I don't speak Italian, but I'm guessing.

Malia chats up the menz while they work on cleaning the decks, The Unit is 27 and has and 8 1/2 year old kiddo. Wow. Me too, but add twenty years! Good for him, right until he uses a really cheesy phrase to explain having a child with someone you know a week. Sounds like "young, dumb and full of"

He follows that by correcting what she's doing before calling her sweetheart and yeah: I'm already mentally blocking him.

Pre-Charter Preference Sheet Meeting! AKA: my only shot at finding out the Primary Charter guests full names. Hai Chris Harris from Seattle! This must be your sister, Jessica Harris and friend Chris Hinton. Wait. There are TWO Chris H.'s on the same charter? That's like 14 Avas in Kindergarten, I believe it. Chuck Wang and Aaron Poysky will be joining the siblings.

Hannah and Lara have a communication problem over whether there is beer on the boat or not. I believe...not? Nope, it's on the aft deck, crisis averted!

Robert shares his modeling photos, Jessica negs him with "you're quite good looking IN PHOTOS" then laughs and laughs.

I think Lara and Pete are flirting in the crew mess at the same time, she asks if he's ever had an Italian woman and he asks if he can, please. I. Whatever.

Time for bed in teeny tiny crew cabins! This boat is massive, has itty bitty living quarters for staff. I cannot WAIT for the boat tour!! Malia and Hannah visit in their cabin, Malia has a serious and seriously adorable boyfriend.

Hannah also has a long term bf, what? A solid year and she's on the road with a promise ring on hand. They do not show us a picture, so I assume he has some sense unlike walking cockyfunny up there.

The next morning is a whirlwind of activity and wiping things carefully in a full harness; suddenly it's twenty minutes to guest arrival!

The guests look...I don't know!

Are they bros? Hos? I can't tell! We're so close to our first boat tour aahhhh!!

So many pictures!

The salon
VIP area!

The Master!

So purty. But. Yet.

I saw Manchego cheese being portioned above, let's see what's going on with the food!

It's not a good first de-docking, Captain Sandy can't see her departure and Alex releases the wrong line so we're all over the place.

Kiko is working hard in the kitchen on Brazilian food but I'm still looking for the charcuterie. I find it on deck where the guests are explaining to guest Chuck Wang that the noise he hears is the water. Hahaha. He's a good sport, so is Jessica when everyone starts ordering spicy margaritas.

What the Sam Hill is a spicy margarita? Why would you do that? Jessica measures by counting seconds, so two shots is 8 seconds?

You know, they have a shotglass right there! Hannah laughs, at least Jessica has a great attitude. I feel like that's 50% of the job description of a third stew: be able to laugh at yourself.

Lara asks Kiko if he has a girlfriend (yes) so she can talk about how single she is and how she's never been dumped and she just forgets about men who try to treat her badly.

Lara sets the table while Captain Sandy drops anchor here:

But that's a boring, boring table setting.

One turtle? One?

The deck crew deploys all the water toys right away, Captain Sandy is adamant that everything be put out as soon as that anchor hits. Pete again calls Malia 'sweetheart', this time when he's wrong, she's got to address that soon.

The guests are seated at 1:46pm, Kiko is still having people taste test sauces at 2:35 and he's starting to have a hangry problem on deck. He bubbles around in his happy place, chitchatting with Jessica while Hannah tries not to lose her mind staring at the empty plates.

She hurries him up a little and the Brazilian dish moqueqa is served! It's not enough, the guest hoover that up and start looking for skunk b***oles to eat. I mean. You're on a yacht, you could probably get the rest of the skunk unless that's just how you roll. Do you, brah!

Captain Sandy asks the guests for a review, they didn't really like the texture of the shrimp so she does a taster in the kitchen. It's delicious! She can't stop eating it! To be fair, you could throw coconut milk on a skunk's b*****ole and it would also be amazing.

Hannah's already annoyed enough with Lara that she's put the much less experienced Jessica on service more than her official second stew. There's a further altercation about start times and wow, we're not even done out first day on charter, you guys!

The guests hit the ocean to play with all the water toys, they're super fun. They keep making Asian jokes at Chuck Wang's expense, that's like a lot.

The guests sleep on deck on massive cushions as the Interior staff starts to pull for dinner. There's not much on board for table settings, maybe Hannah could ask the provisioner on the next charter!

Jessica and Hannah get ready to serve dinner while the deck crew puts away the water toys again and Lara does turndown service. That really is a third stew job (I have a Bachelor's degree in Below Deck role requirements), Hannah fo sho does not like working with Lara.

I've never stayed anywhere that they wipe down your shower stall while you eat truffle risotto.

Primary Chris doesn't like the Filet Mignon at supper even though everyone else likes theirs, his was dry so Captain Sandy offers to get him another. He likes the second one much better but Captain Sandy thought the first one was awesome too, so she's not saying anything negative to our Kiko.

Lara asked Hannah if she could have supper. Hannah thinks 30 minutes is long enough for the eating and calls asking Lara to clear the dinner table. Lara does not seem to understand anything told to her over the radio and Hannah doesn't have the patience to repeat, things are escalating quickly.

We roll into a fight over Hannah asking Lara to acknowledge when she's asked her to do something, Lara's "whatever" is causing actual flames to blind Hannah with rage. These two cannot communicate whatsoever.

And we're out! To a preview of the season, looks like Rob and Jessica do hook up, The Unit tries his level best with Lara. If only he could remember her actual name. Until then! Cheers!