Below Deck Mediterranean S5:E08 Rise and Don’t Shine Recap

It's time for Below Deck Mediterranean with our very tired crew and their wealthy charter guests, who's going to get in trouble for snoozing on the job this time? Let's find out after the break in my Below Deck Med S5:E08 Rise and Don't Shine recap!

Welcome back to Below Deck Med on charter with Primary Bernardo and friends Giancarlo, Joel Leizan, Andrea Leal Chica and Jocelyne Miranda along with vegan Edwin Berrios. We have to mention the vegan separately because he's been driving our poor chef Hindrigo "Kiko" Lorran up the wall and he's just one person!

It's not just the vegan food that the guests are finding in short supply, it's any food at all. They finish (a very late) supper and send chief steward Hannah Ferrier to ask the chef for more grub. That's just embarrassing. Kiko sends out three more portions of sea bass with asparagus which seems to calm the jingling (literally shaking chains to jingle) masses.

Bosun Malia White is working lates on the bridge doing anchor watch, she arranged it like that so recently-demoted deckhand (he was lead deckhand) Pete Hunziker wouldn't be working with all the ladies. He just got dressed down and demoted because of the way he was acting around the female crew members on board, just trashy, basically. Sexist trash. Malia's never demoted and then worked with someone before, but she's still got deckhand Robert Westergaard and Alex Radcliffe at her side and working hard, so there's that.

The extremely conventionally attractive guests head up on deck to dance in the hot tub (for real) while the Interior crew works to clean up from the very long supper. Everyone is in bed by midnight, I love that in a charter guest!

The next morning third steward Jessica More with the broken finger works to get breakfast stuff ready for the sleeping guests, Captain Sandy Yawn pops into the galley to remind Kiko to work on his timing. He needs to be more assertive, she thinks, to fine tune his machine.

The guests start wandering in for breakfast at 8 am, of course our vegan wants avocado gluten-free toast with mushrooms. Of course he does. It's Giancarlo's birthday (literally everyone beams when they say it's their birthday, you have to acknowledge those special days, even for people who swear they don't care) and we're going on a cruise, woooo!

What...is this?

Second steward Christine "Bugsy" Drake has joined the team for service so Jessica cleans cabins with her lobster claw.

She's fine, she's fine!

Kiko meets with Primary Bernardo to discuss the menu; Kiko suggests sushi for lunch, Primary Bernardo would like ponzu sauce with which Kiko is unfamiliar. I don't know if Primary Bernardo meant to make this face or not, but it's golden "you don't know what ponzu sauce is???!!?"

Malia is working to get all the water toys out for the guests, but she's only got Rob and Alex working with her and they're not exactly...rushing. Rob hurt his toenail so goes inside to cover it with a bandage, managing to spend a solid fifteen minutes making out with Jessica. Alex was sent to find the manual for a flooded jetski, he slooooowly checks around and recovers it while Rob is still making out with Jessica. Everyone is just too relaxed!

Rob must have picked up Malia's annoyance that he's taken so long to fix his toe (and make out with Jessica) so he asks her to be polite to him (she was polite) and suggests that he's being castigated and shall now stop speaking. For the love of. Can you write your boss up for bring frustrated with your slow arse?

One of Bugsy's strengths is table settings, she and Hannah work on the table while a guest works out next to them. That's the thing about conventionally attractive people, most of them have to work very, very hard at it. Nobody wakes up and stays gorgeous (EXCEPT MOI), there's a lot of effort and I appreciate that.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE HOTTIES??!!??

Jessica is American and Bugsy is South African and while I can understand them both and Bugsy can understand Jessica, Jessica is completely unable to figure out what Bugsy is saying. That's bizarre, Bugsy isn't saying anything unusual or fancy in her South African accent.

The guests are seated for lunch at 2:30, one millionty platters of sushi of all varieties are brought out for the noshing. But no ponzu sauce, which is the first thing Primary Bernardo asks for. I looked up a recipe, you got this Kiko!!

He works on that, then mushrooms for Edwin then a salad then more sushi tempura then. Bugsy is great and efficient but she forgets sometimes that her energy can be exhausting.

Finally everything is served, Bugsy even had to call a guest back to the table to give him the tempura he ordered. I'm not sure what the problem is, why isn't Kiko getting enough food out? He just did a 72 course meal.

Jessica pulls Bugsy aside for a chat after service, can she please speak more slowly or clearly?

*I am carefully not mentioning anything about an American not being able to understand any accent other than their own, except for right there now.

This conversation gets so heated that Captain Sandy overhears and has to jump in. Jessica says Kiko and Malia can't understand Bugsy either, but I don't remember that.

Hannah slept for her break and called her boyfriend and generally had a lovely time while the kitchen melted down and caught fire.

Captain Sandy talks to Jessica about training her ears; she says later to Hannah that she knows Jessica is the weak link but you can't buy a good attitude like that.

There's a surprise mariachi band planned for the evening to help celebrate Giancarlo's birthday, I totally cried when I saw how excited he was to hear them. His boyfriend planned that especially for him and you could tell he was incredibly touched. The mariachi band instruments are GORGEOUS, huge chunks of rosewood carved into highly polished shapes, they are beautiful.

Supper is fraught again, the guests like the first course but the Edwin the vegan didn't want any pasta so I guess Kiko better rustle up some more mushrooms. The mariachi band plays, nobody liked the prawns and the other person eating pasta didn't like it and didn't want any other food, thanks.

Sigh.

Captain Sandy in a hot red lip polls the guests as to how supper was. Giancarlo tactfully says it was maybe not okay for others, another guests calls it 'average' for a yacht like this.

I will just say this: Captain Sandy has a great management style, but once someone's confidence is shaken it can be difficult to regroup. Watching every single dish being plated and constantly polling the guests is not going to bring Kiko's confidence back, it can only get worse from here on out until he manages a reset.

Hannah sends Jessica on break after supper and hits the laundry (I've literally never seen her do any laundry before ever) while Bugsy gets swarmed by the happy guests up on deck. Are there any cute boys that can be sent up? Edwin has his eye on Pete, but Joel still holds a small candle in a high window for Kiko. They make Bugsy play F***, Marry, Kill, she chooses Kiko, Alex and Pete in that order while they chant "BUG-SY BUG-SY BUG-SY" over and over.

These guests are just beautiful, male and female. It's difficult to look directly at them; I need to make one of those pinholes in paper like we used to do in school for an eclipse.

6 am comes bright and early the next day, the deckhands are at it right away as are Jessica and Kiko getting ready for breakfast. Hannah is also on the early shift, when Jessica tells her Giancarlo is gathering the guests for a 9 am breakfast she sends Jessica to go vacuum and heads to laundry.

Nobody sees to the guests, who are all seated at the table.

It's 9:20, the guests have to pour their own water (GASP), Hannah and Jessica are still down in the laundry room casually discussing why the vacuum cleaner doesn't work.

Captain Sandy wanders out on deck at 9:25 to find the guests alone, she's not happy. That is all on Hannah, is she just dopey from whatever pill she took the night before? She mentioned Valium then we got a clear shot of her ingesting something at bedtime. That's like Bravo using a huge neon arrow.

Captain Sandy goes so far as to wake up Bugsy two hours before her shift starts to get this party started, she mad. Then she goes into the galley to yell at Kiko for not having more food available to serve, which confuses me. He's got something like four fruit platters, croissants, cheese and he's been scrambling eggs forever. What is she talking about, no food?

Okay, this is not a good cheese plate, she's got him there.

Captain Sandy is savage, she's tearing everyone a new one every moment. Hannah is just dopey, she doesn't even take an egg order until 9:50, the guests have been sitting there for 50 minutes. It took her twenty minutes to make two iced coffees, what's going on??

The other problem is that the guests are leaving this morning; the deck crew has been hard at work getting the water toys and slide out but will they have time to enjoy? How about when they get their eggs at after ten am? When they're getting picked up at 11?

Oh, they're heading out at 11 and it's Captain Malia driving the boat! Captain Sandy was always great at giving people chances to try things like that, I'm happy Malia took it and ran as far as she has so far.

Hannah is still in the laundry room, Captain Sandy says they'll be having a chat after the tip meeting. Hannah asks Jessica if she has any more to give or is this max speed? Jessica is unsure of the question, she feels like she's flat out? That's all Hannah needed to hear.

Since Hannah alone will be deciding whether or not Jessica will be replaced because of her broken finger, I think that was a very important question that Jessica just flubbed.

I don't know why this charter fell apart so spectacularly, the guests were nice and couldn't be called high maintenance for a super yacht, why did everyone forget how to serve and cook?

They made a big deal out of the tip being low last time for the Skyline Group, but I have a feeling we're about to reach a new bottom this week. I'm betting on $12,000 USD.

Wow, Primary Bernardo just gave the best You Sucked BUT I Had A Great Time Anyway With Shitty Food And Service Except We Love Bugsy speech.

I give him the props for saying it to the Captain in front of Kiko and Hannah, that's not easy to do but he was charming with it and well within his rights. I do not expect there to be much in that tip envelope.

It's a gloomy Tip Meeting, I don't even feel like shouting. Captain Sandy thinks the reason they failed this charter is that they're choosing themselves over the client. Everyone looks exhausted and telling them you might fire one or two of them isn't perking anyone up, Captain.

Okay, they got $15,000 USD, which is $1,230 each which is more than I expected!

Hannah's just about to pour herself a glass of wine to drink while she works when Captain Sandy calls her up for a chat on deck. Sighing, she heads up to meet Captain Sandy in full flow. When the captain gets a bee in her bonnet, it's just better to smile and nod. We know this is a classic Captain Sandy rant because it starts with vague comments about Hannah not being herself and asking for a re-committment to the Interior.

Hannah is exhausted, she nods and says very little. Captain Sandy goes for Kiko AND YOU TOUCH ONE HAIR ON HIS HEAD, LADY...I like Captain Sandy a lot but coming for Kiko is not on. He's this glorious Brazilian golden retriever whose slightly off his game due to a loss of confidence, he will be FINE.

Captain Sandy calls Kiko up to the bridge next, we all hold our breath while the gossipers on the deck crew talk about the kitchen failing this last charter. Shaddup, Pete.

Captain Sandy lays it on the line: she loves him, she needs Wow food. Personality is second, she needs excellent food she can give to the clients every time, they pay a lot of money for these charters. We're out! Cheers!

Okay! I'm trying something new, I've done an audible version of the recap in the next post, tell me what you think?!!