Can you believe we’re still on charter one on Below Deck Mediterranean?? I swear, Bravo gets chintzier and chintzier every time; we used to get a tip per episode. Now we gotta wait, but it doesn’t matter coz it ain’t gonna be good no matter how long we wait. Between a missing chef and understaffing in general, our crew will be lucky to clear 15k. Let’s find out for sure in my recap of Below Deck Mediterranean S6:E03 It’s Like Rain On Your Wedding Day after the break!
So we’ve got a handful of Primary Charter Guests this time around, starting with Terez Percenti and husband Lee Percenti, but also Clint Yoder and Karry Stevens. The latter two are supposed to be getting married but let’s just say they appear to have very different drinking styles. Clint gets cuddly and flirty.
Karry gets sullen and easily angered. They call off their wedding after a long day of drinking mere hours before the ceremony.
Chief steward Katie Flood overhears the drunken argument and scurries off to the galley to gossip with second steward Lexi Wilson who’s still bored-flirting with chef Mathew Shea. I want to like Lexi more than I do, there’s a sharp-eyed honesty I like about her but I find her too…transactional?
A late night leads to an early morning; Primary Clint did go back to his cabin so maybe we’ll get a wedding after all? Nobody knows yet, hahaha honestly. I don’t drink, not for the usual reasons, but whenever I see a huge mess like this caused only by alcohol: so glad.
Bosun Malia White is up with her crew, deckhands David Pascoe and Mzi “Zee” Dempers getting the swim platform ready for the day and shittalking the guests.
Third steward Courtney Veale is up and setting the table after cleaning up the laundry room (GORGEOUS), Zee has a little crush.
The guests make their way to the table for chef Mat’s delicious breakfast, except for Primary Karry. She’s last to arrive and it’s dead silent when she does.
Is there going to be a wedding?
I…guess? Primary Clint tells Katie a sunset ceremony will be lovely and Primary Karry doesn’t argue? Actually, she doesn’t say anything.
I can’t think of a worse way to get married the first time.
ZEE. BE CAREFUL WITH THAT WEDDING CAKE!
I don’t even like weddings but I hate wasted cake!
It’s almost noon when Captain Sandy Yawn pulls anchor and heads off for another part of Croatia, deckhand Lloyd Spencer aka Pornstache gets up and sings an apparently hilarious song about there being too many men in the kitchen.
Maybe it’s an English thing.
The sea is choppy, hot tub water is everywhere and somewhere in the back Lexi smacktalks with a tray full of drinks she’s not going to deliver in these waves.
Chef Mat gets anxious about every single thing, having to prepare for a wedding by himself is making him spin like a top. Honestly, this just may not be his line of work. He’s bringing up my level of anxiety every time I see him on screen, he’s always freaking out!
This bad weather means the wedding will be on the boat, Captain Sandy is marrying our guests and she’s hella nervous.
The deck crew sets up the Dollar Store arch that will be our romantic wedding location; barf. David tells us about his last relationship. He was dating another member of the crew, he thinks he was too nice so she felt she could do anything, including cheating on him with another crew member. Then he had to work with both of them for a few more months.
That sounds gross but I’m always suspicious when guys say they were too nice. Nobody knows what actually happens in a relationship, including those innit, really.
The arch is placed, Katie tells us a little about herself; she studied event management and thought about being a wedding planner even though she has no plans to get married herself. She loved former Below Deck Med deckhand Jack Stirrup, but thinks his face on her arm was enough of a commitment.
Pornstache has some good decorating idea; snaps Porny! The guests spend all their time getting ready (man I hate weddings, this is actually painful) while Mat tries to recover from the idea that the guests aren’t going ashore at all and it’s all him. All him.
Primary Clint waits for his bride, almost in tears at the ambient beauty. He thanks God for the rainbow and that’s when Malia taps out.
Pornstache and David explain their dating preferences; Pornstache has to woo with his goofiness and that can take weeks, months years even! David just wants someone who’s not a hassle, but Malia and I agree about one thing for the first time.
It’s all going great until Katie falls down the stairs, a full biff. Oooo sorry girl, r u ok?
Courtney makes super awkward small talk with the bride as they wait for the men to get into position; I’m surprised. She was in promotions (bar girl), you’d think she’s have a tonne of bantz ready to go instead of murking on about the weather.
Clint is drunk and emotional, Karry robotic, let’s get these people married!
It goes off without a hitch, now it’s just time to party, wooooo! Clint cries again, man, I love that he’s so emotionally available, there’s just bound to be parts of this he’s not going to remember.
But it’s on TV so it’s FOREVER!
Mat waxes poetic about his preferred marriage; he just needs to find two girls. He doesn’t do non-monogamy.
Why is that so popular all of a sudden???
Awww, Primary Karry explains why there was so much emotion around the rainbow being the backdrop of their whole wedding; a psychic told her mother that Karry’s grandfather would show himself at her wedding in that form.
Awww! That’s awesome.
You know, we could ridicule people for believing in psychics and the world beyond and on-purpose rainbows, but I bet it’s nice to believe in something. Anything.
I believe this is a beautiful boat but I am still confused by the colour. I know you CAN paint a yacht navy blue, but why would you? It’s the same colour as the water!
Ahhhhh we get a little bit of insight into why Malia and her ex-boyfriend Tom Chekkets broke up, he cheated on her but still wants to be friends. Awesome.
We get another few minutes of Katie and Lexi politely arguing about table setting. Girls, girls, you both set pretty tables, just do what Katie wants because she’s the boss yes?
Mat drops the wedding cake.
We knew that was going to happen.
Mat likes to flirt with Lexi but his controlled arse does very much not like her laid back attitude to service and timing. He asked for a specific time call for his scallops, to be fired when everyone was at the table. She calls it too early and he’s sitting there with scallops ready for plating and exactly one person at the table. Scallops have a short window pre-rubbery.
Hell’s Kitchen has ruined any enjoyment I may have gotten out of scallops, I immediately tense up when I see their wobbly selves on a plate waiting to be seared.
Mat loses his shite in a controlled fashion, telling Lexi over and over that it’s fine but it will never happen again and now all communication must go through Katie.
Then we watch rich people eat a single scallop with one single piece of truffle popcorn on top and I think hey: Popeye’s is pretty good.
Captain Sandy goes down for the night; Zee is left on his first anchor watch. I quite like Zee, he’s got a great attitude and he’s eager to learn but I’m worried that he’s going to be alone and solely responsible for the boat three days into his yachting career.
Primary Terez does not eat pets so refuses the lamb main course…do people have sheep as pets? Mat has ratatouille for her, no problem. She’s also schwasted, this reminds me of the Tilted Kilt crew who got more and more selective and emotional about their food as the beer wore on.
There were only two tiny lamb pops on each plate, some of the guests ask for extra so Lexi is dispatched to the kitchen to grab some as Primary Terez throws aside her poorly plated ratatouille in disgust. Homegirl is eight sheets to the wind.
Mat’s a bit of a neat freak, you can see his temper building as Lexi walks twice through the pile he swept up, then stands there eating some of his food without asking AS he’s plating more for guests. When she tells him not to worry about the pile and just concentrate on food, he snaps.
Then they run out of lamb. She ate lamb while the guests were still asking for it and Mat and I will die mad about it.
Mat’s going to die mad about Lexi walking through his dirt pile, too and let’s just say there’s probably not a way to make me madder faster. I now have a broom that is attached to it’s own dustpan and I sweep it into it as I go so now no more screaming and yeah: Mat should get one of those and stop being so angry with Lexi about it.
Except for eating the lamb during service, that’s just…entitled? Selfish? Just dumb, really, and she’s not a dumb woman.
Mat was feeling embarrassed about his bought cake, but I guess it doesn’t matter if they’re just using it for a food fight anyway, right? I will never understand why people smear cake on each other’s faces while dressed up to the nines.
It’s the next day and the last day of our charter, we’re thisclose to TIP TIME wooooooo!! Zee is freaking out because this will be his very first docking but hey; Malia’s is a pretty good leader so she won’t leave him in the lurch and unsure of what he has to do.
Unfortunately, Zee is still asking for a lot of instruction AS they’re docking, which is taking people away from doing their roles, including his. Captain Sandy almost hits a giant concrete buoy called a dolphin, even with Malia calling constant updates to the boat’s relation to it. That was super close and I’m still surprised they scraped through. Or didn’t, rather.
Zee manages to throw the heaving line across, yay! Good job! A successful docking later (overseen by Primary Clint) and it’s time to say sayonara to our guests!
Oh. After breakfast. FINE. I am mystified that Mat is dancing around singing ‘show me the money, show me the MONEY’ when he is the reason there will be much less showing of any money.
Time to take all the luggage off the boat and hug people goodbye, fine, whatever, show us the TIP!!
Is that all ones?? It’s a two-hander!
To his credit, Mat does say everyone deserves a portion of his tip but Captain Sandy isn’t gonna do that. First a speech about how well Katie did blah blah blah. Come… ON…!! You know what we’re here for!
So I maybe lowballed it above….the tip is $25,800 USD or $1718 each, or $4 millionty CAD.
We’re learning about the crew still; Pornstache’s tip is going to his parents because he owes them a tonne of money for his yachtmaster certification. Zee is 26 tomorrow?? 26??? He looks 18 at BEST.
It’s pouring rain as our masked crew heads into town to party; anyone wanna place bets on the over/under as to how many deck crew members are going to forget their names tonight?
Katie outs herself as a ‘tequila slut’, calling it good vibes, and… okay. That’s just fastdrunk, not vibes but I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life, Katie.
David just stares at Malia all the time. He liiiiikes her. She’s completely oblivious.
Mat buys a round at dinner but he does not like the ribbing they give at all. AT.ALL. He doesn’t have any sense of humour for someone who smiles that much.
I don’t understand the rating system everyone is talking about. Mat is like a creepy uncle but even creepy uncles can *do something weird with their hands*. The girls like the off-camera crew, Jake could clean up! I think Mat is pansexual? I don’t even know. Kids.
Courtney keeps calling Zee ‘Daddy’ and he really, really likes it.
Lexi and Mat revisit their kitchen fight, which is the opposite of good vibes because once again, Mat has no sense of humour and neither does Lexi. We’re out!