Below Deck Mediterranean S7:E01 There’s No Place Like Home Recap

Heeeeey it's time for Below Deck Mediterranean already! I'm not done Below Deck Sailing Yacht but what say we jump in anyway? I love Captain Sandy Yawn in the macro although I've not always enjoyed her choices. Let's roll into my recap of Below Deck Med S7:E01 There's No Place Like Home after the break!

So we start season 7 of Below Deck Mediterranean in Malta with a season preview; they highlight the fact that the chief and second stewards look very similar but there is no way I'm going to tell the chef and one of the deckies apart. No.how.

Heyyyyy!! In addition to Captain Sandy Yawn returning, we've also got Mzi 'Zee" Dempers back: that was from my memory wooooo! I always liked Mzi, I hope he finally meets a young lady actually interested in him. Captain Sandy looks exactly the same.

We're on a huge new yacht that is very flashy and modern, not at all like the last few ships we've seen. First to arrive to meet Captain Sandy is chief steward Natasha Webb with an accent I can't quite make out...she is faaaar to happy to meet Captain Sandy for the first time, all bright eyes, adorable freckles and breathy anticipation.

Weird.

She mentions that she's just been working with chef David White for a month, they're so lucky to have him! According to the previews, she may be speaking of herself ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. Dave shows up shortly therafter, Natasha RUNS down to the galley to scare him by jumping out. Okay.

Captain Sandy has hired another female bosun, although it's not Malia White again. Malia is First Officer somewhere else, I guess working her way up to Captain?

Instead we have Raygan Tyler, a very young-looking woman of perhaps Swedish extraction with an asymmetrical lavender bob and facial piercings.

Wait. I've just realised that the superyacht is called Home? That's a yacht name??

Wait AGAIN. Chef David White has an Olympic gold medal for freestyle skiing?? That's so...random. And amazing, how fantastic. He talks lovingly about Natasha in some sort of accent; he has facial scruff and I already mixed him up with every other guy of a certain age with scruff and a bald head.

Deckhand Jason Gaskell looks surprised to see that his bosun is a tiny young woman of perhaps Dutch extraction; especially when she gushes about how tall he is. Because she is very much not. Turns out she's from Essex but lives in Turkey so allow me to shut up about my ethnic profiling. Jason is tall, lanky, scruffy and from Indiana.

The two other stewards arrive next; wow Natayla Scudder looks almost exactly like Natasha. Both have long brunette hair, slight builds AND they pretty much have the same name, somebody better grow a pimple or something so we can differentiate. Other steward Kyle Viljoen will have to be between them all the time so they don't Parent Trap us. He's young and has facial hair as well because apparently there are no razors in Malta. So sorry.

Captain Sandy calls Mzi; he's not there because he's stuck in quarantine in Malta. He'll be with us soon, and in the meantime we'll hang out with Raygan, Jason and Mzi's friend deckhand Storm Smith.

That's a NAME.

He looks just like the chef, too, I'm going to have to mentally add hair to one of them so I can suss nights out.

Storm and Mzi will be in tomorrow evening after charter starts.

Oh look, Natasha and Dave will be sharing a cabin. Interesting.

Captain Sandy calls the team for a group meeting and we get a very quick virtual boat tour. It's kind of like what they thought was futuristic in the 70s: stainless steel and white finishing touches.

Captain Sandy lays out the expectations; she doesn't like dirty floors and hey! The deck crew is responsible for the crew mess and I love that. I mean, right now there are only two of them and there's a lot of other stuff to make fancy but we'll see.

The departments break off into separate groups; by that I mean the Interior moves to the crew mess for a meeting and Raygan goes for a smoke, leaving Jason to chamois forlornly on his own.

Kyle is quite a lot right out the gate; he calls himself a 'service queen from the get-go' and refuses to take a third stew. I mean, not that Natasha asked him to, he's just going to be joint second-steward with Natayla.

Provisions are heyah! While we're unpacking one millionty boxes we learn a little more about Jason. He has a tiiiiiny braid at the back of his hair and paints his nails; he thinks both of these things show who he is as a person.

I mean, he's got a great smile but I'm pretty sure he's going to be our Kelsie of Below Deck Med, ya know? I already forgot him.

Wooooooo first Preference Sheet Meeting, that's my FAVOURITE!! Woooooo we're in the crew mess, who's coming aboard on the first charter of season 7?? Why it's Billy Rodriquez of course! His co-Primary is Chris Figueroa, also his fiance, awww. They're bringing drag on board woooooooo.

As for food, they like Japanese because they met in Japan and hate beets because they taste like dirt and I have found my new best friends.

Since we're down a couple of camera-ready deckhands, actually people working on the boat will be helping them get off the dock. That includes Chief Officer Ray and First Engineer Carlos calling distances for de-docking.

Raygan goes for another smoke while Captain Sandy shows Jason the best way to mop the teak deck.

The cabins are all done by midnight, that's when everyone calls it a night, Natasha heading to her bunk to cuddle with 'friend' Dave. He brings her a coffee in the morning toooooo awwwww.

Natayla asks if there's romance in the air and Natasha demurs, telling us she just got out of a relationship and not wanting to get into anything right now. *shy but somehow dirty smile* *cut to Natasha licking the tip of a banana*

What

More deliveries show up; Raygan smokes while Jason and Captain Sandy unload.

I'm sensing a trend...

Kyle tells us he came out only a year ago; he says it's not accepted in South Africa where he's from. I'm telling you, there are four hundred accents on this boat and I sincerely hope they explain each just that clearly. But! He struggled with coming out but he's loud and proud and awesome now wooooo!

Wow, he was in a secret twelve year relationship. That's sort of soul-crushing, innit?

Somehow we're supposed to be ready for charter already, what?? Time for guest arrival!

The guests look exactly how you'd expect, with white linen and whiter legs floating everywhere. Natasha leads the boat tour with blue Jolly Rancher shots; the guests cheer but I'm convinced they are a choking hazard waiting to happen. Who wants to throw back a liquid with a hard candy to hit the back of your throat??

Natayla is wearing her glasses, whew! I'll be able to tell her and Tasha apart!

I'm so excited about this first boat tour of motor yacht Home!

Impressions:

  • I love the master bedroom with all those windows and the blue spread
  • The VIP suite looks like a closet
  • Everything else looks like every other yacht ever

Omigod I've become jaded about SUPERYACHTS! I need to spend some time in a cave somewhere and learn to count my hashtagblessings again, I can feel it.

Raygan does so little with the guest luggage that even Jason comments: why wouldn't she help her crew? Of one?

The de-docking goes smoothly; who does First Mate Ray think he's fooling calling out distances to Raygan? She's coiling up rope on deck, she's not looking at the extremely close buoys!

Raygan and Jason are themselves heading for a collision course already; Raygan encourages Jason to lift more lines while doing very little heavy lifting herself. Jason keeps it together until they are in the crew mess for lunch, which he is too tired to eat.

He complains about her not lifting the one suitcase; erm, that is your boss, sweetie. I absolutely agree with you, but picking at your boss Day Two is not a good look. They're down two deckhands and the bosun doesn't believe in actually doing any work, so they're up against it.

The guests sit for lunch, Primary Billy is already slightly sauced; complaining about the food and draining glass after glass of champagne in between arguing about whether or not he has cinnamon on his preference sheet.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Dave is serving 12 hour braised beef cheeks????

Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Paging Chef Leon from Below Deck season one?! Two?! Three! Someone get Kate Chastain in here to make fun of disguy as only she can!

Jason does his best to put out all the water toys as Raygan talks to Primary Billy; does she just have no presence or what? She's been in yachting for quite some time, is she new to the hospitality / customer service side?

Primary Billy is now drunk and convinced that Raygan is evil? Not his favourite and there is stink-face; but we didn't see any of that? She was just too quiet and not a great listener, no need to call her a b-word, Primary Billy.

Captain Sandy gets wind and comes to investigate the complaining; she explains about the slide not even being on the boat, which Raygan didn't mention. Neither did the Primary, to be fair, but still. Captain Sandy helps smooth things over and move things around, she's a very hands-on leader.

Natayla manages to move that giant suitcase that Raygan couldn't; look, am I picking on her too much? She just doesn't seem like an actual leader; she seems super checked out and it's early for that.

Jason and Raygan have to take the guests on the seadoos because they've been drinking; chef Dave hits the pots as I worry about his ability to please these guys.

Mzi and Storm are finally able to come aboard; they arrive at night as the guests move to the dinner table. Primary Billy doesn't like ANYTHING. Don't you know you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, Primary Billy?

Of course Primary Billy doesn't like his Waygu beef steak and sends it back.

Hi Storm and Mzi!

Natayla liiiikes the look of Storm, who is Mzi's childhood friend in a way I cannot fully comprehend. I also think Storm looks exactly like Dave so this is going to be messy.

How is Mzi doing?? Is he still falling asleep randomly? What was the name of his drunken alter-ego....Maverick? Was it Maverick? Captain Sandy directs their work as Raygan has another cigarette.

We've got a drag performer coming after dinner so Kyle decides to get his make-up on and Natasha dresses up like a man. Let's just say she looks more authentic than he does and that is saying nothing.

Oh. Natasha is English and that's shocking.

Trihanna Wilde puts on a great show considering how small her stage is; death drops and splits everywhere!

I don't remember drag being so athletic before RuPaul's Drag Race, do you?

Kyle presses Natasha about her and Dave; she insists they're not together but it sure looks like it. She knocks off work around 1:30 am and asks the guy she's not involved with if he wants to screw. Dave nods in a super weird way.

Dave gets a little cuddle from naked Natasha in the morning and heads to the galley to start making brekkie.

Captain Sandy looks for the anchor watch schedule from Raygan, which isn't ready. Nor are any of the toys in the water, so Captain Sandy calls Raygan up to the bridge for a chat.

Ahhhhh Raygan was bosun on a little tiny private Italian boat, her behaviour makes sense now.

At 12:21 the stabilizers break on motor yacht Home and Below Deck Mediterranean becomes a documentary. The boat is rocked from side to side with things flying everywhere and the yacht itself starting to dip into the ocean as Storm blithely rides by on the tender.

With every crew member holding on to what they can as Home rocks back and forth: we're out.

Holy cow! I will see if I can find an image of that shot of the damaged motor yacht appearing to slide sideways into the ocean, it's madness! Until next time, everyone, cheers!