I’m late for Below Deck Mediterranean, I know!! I’ve been sick, work’s been incredibly busy, let’s just stop talking and get right to the nitty gritty, shall we? Join me for my recap of Below Deck Med S7:E07 For Tooth’s Sake after the break!

I just do not understand what is happening aboard motor yacht Home. Captain Sandy Yawn has never hit anything in her long career but we lost a bosun to bad radio calls a couple of weeks ago as Captain Sandy hit a concrete ‘dolphin’ and now it looks like our provisional bosun just did the same thing.

Except this time bosun Storm Smith allowed the yacht to hit a dolphin square on, much worse than the brush we had earlier. Captain Sandy must be losing her mind, let’s see what’s going on.

Oh and second steward Kyle Vilojen has a sore tooth but it’s making him talk about about his butthole less, so I’m mostly okay with it.

I’m so excited that our girl Courtney Veale is back on Below Deck Med, even if this time she’s on deck! Go Coco!

Let’s just say that deckhand Mzi ‘Zee’ Dempers is even happier…

We’re back at the boat hitting the dolphin and I was REALLY not wanting that to happen. Storm is just not using the radio properly.

Is he going to be fired?

There’s no damage?! Can we keep him???!

We get to keep him!!!!

Yay!! Captain Sandy sees it as a teachable moment because he’s a provisional bosun, yay!

I can’t tell if second steward Natalya Scudder (I literally have to look her up each time so I don’t mix her up with chief steward Natasha Webb, who is also her doppelganger) is actually mad at Kyle for him being so slow on account of his painful mouth or if she’s just joking.

Oh no, they’re fighting for real now, it’s like when my kids start out playfighting and then someone’s trying to gouge out an eye and all fun is gone. Kyle asked to be in laundry but he’s not working very fast right now so Nat is trying to help and apparently that’s offensive (??) so they both take turns complaining to Natasha and it’s all very fast in two different accents and basically: SEPARATE. Go do your own jobs and don’t talk to each other until later and I said NOW!

Kids!

Oh wait, we’re still on charter! Did any of the guests hear the super yacht crank off a dolphin this morning? Who’s here, anyway, let me check…Oh yes!! This is our cousin/sister gang! Our Primary Charter Guest is Kristina Rossetto, her cousin Dina Rossetto is there and a bunch of siblings are with us too. Woooo!

Let’s see how the revamped deck crew does with all the water toys! I love it when Storm loads up all the ladies on a giant blue banana and takes them for a whip about. So do the ladies and so does Captain Sandy!

Inside the galley it’s still very quiet between chief stew Natasha and chef Dave White. This is a long story, I’ll try to sum it up in bullet points, so just fill in the gaps with pain and anguish and some shower screwing:

– Dave and Tasha worked together on the last boat together, where they fell in like and started messing around

– Natasha was still dating someone at the time, but broke up with him shortly after she started shagging Dave.

– In getting ready to come on this charter season together Natasha and Dave planned to not tell anyone they were together at Natasha’s request. She felt it would make her look bad (Cheater McCheaterson) and plus: it’s nobody’s business but it’s super naive to think anyone wasn’t going to notice, especially will all the shower screwing

– Dave is extremely insecure

– Natasha did not give Dave enough reassurance about their secret relationship

– I don’t believe there is a creditable amount that Natasha could have reassured Dave so that he would not have felt insecure

– Dave started threatening Natasha with telling everyone they are a couple, culminating in a very drunken night out when he called her a bunch of really reprehensible names and threatened to out her to the crew

Now they have to work together and Natasha has gone back to her old boyfriend (who cheated on her) after fully disclosing that she had cheated on him.

This is EXTREMELY common, when guilt over infidelity is enough to return someone to the fold of a toxic or unhealthy relationship. It’s certainly easier than confronting the things that lead to the infidelity, right?

The water is getting unruly, so water toys are returned to safety on deck and we lose the stabilizers again. You remember what that looked like before, right?? The boat almost rolling on to its side? So gross. The crew isn’t any more excited about it than me, booooo.

Captain Sandy and chief engineer Carlos get it worked out after a few excruciating moments; the stabilizers and the air conditioning are fighting for power and in this heat when all the doors are left open: the AC wins.

Dave and Tasha awkwardly try to pretend everything is fine, it’s fine.

We’re having a Studio 54 party tonight, none of our young stews know what that is, hahaha.

They have an excellent docking, whew! All dockings are fraught now, we must not lose Storm!

Kyle works on cabins while holding his mouth, there is no way he can keep on like this. Nat sends him down for a nap and asks her crush Storm to send a person to help in the Interior, which means Courtney!

They’re so lucky they have her in the deck crew, she rocked out the docking and setting away a jet ski in rough seas, she’s awesome. The guests are happy to see her and her infectiously happy energy on service, she’ll be able to work anywhere!

Captain Sandy sends Kyle to lie down, he’s going to have to see a dentist stat. At the hospital. Off he goes, we wish him all the best and hope he’ll be back to imitating his butthole noises super soon. No dentist at the hospital at dock, so he’ll be there overnight.

Mzi is also taking a larger role in leadership on deck, I just love him. He does so well and is so intentional in everything he does. He and Courtney get along really well, which leaves deckhand Jason Gaskell out swinging in the wind by himself, not laughing at Courtney’s ‘just-the-tip’ jokes.

Awwwwww Storm asks Nat on a date, they’re so cute together. I hope that works out, they’re lovely.

It’s already the end of the charter, this group was so lovely and unproblematic that I had to keep rewinding to find out what they were doing. Which was…not much. That’s okay! They leave a big envelope and you know how we feel about big envelopes!?! We love big envelopes!

I love how Bravo knows exactly what we’re here for, zooming in on the package more than once as we try to count the tip from home. I’m completely discombobulated, can’t remember the standard tip for Below Deck Med (because Below Deck Down Under is WAY different) so I will just throw out a random number: $22,500 USD. Locking it in!

Kyle makes it back! Yay! To pretend to hump Natasha who’s jumped up in mid-air to wrap her whole body around him while he murmurs ‘Daddy’s back, baby.”

We’ve covered that Kyle is super duper gay, right? 100%

He had two teeth removed! Two! He had this crackpot theory that it was because he ground his teeth in his sleep but no! He had two wholeass broken teeth in his face and no wonder he was in so much pain! You can go blind!

Onward to the tip meeting, where after we give Storm snaps for one superb docking and actually.hitting.a.dolphin, we get $20,000 USD! That’s almost what I said! That means $1800 each, not too shabby!

How is it that this was only Courtney’s first charter?? That means it’s her first night out and we getta maybe see her alter ego Coco! Or maybe Chloe? Anyway, I’m sure Mzi’s hoping she gets drunk, calls him Daddy all night and makes out with him in between twerking as either Chloe OR Coco.

It’s two very different opinions about relationships going on in the space of one budding boatmance; Nat thinks there is no such thing as love (I mean, she’s like 22 or something) while Storm waxes romantic about his last serious (8 month long) relationship.

More stilted conversation with Tasha and Dave in the galley, she finally takes him aside for a real chat. She tells him she’s gone back to her ex-boyfriend, yikes. She thinks she’s growing, not running from her problems and taking things head on.

Dave has a slightly different view.

You know when you feel like you hate your partner and you say a bunch of bad things about them when you’re slightly broken up and then you get back together and really good friends forget all that bad shite you said about the love of your life? It’s completely different when the person you were complaining to is the one you’re also shagging.

So Dave knows Tasha’s ex cheated on her multiple times and that they had ongoing problems and he does not understand why she would go back to him.

I am worried about how invested I am in Storm and Natalya working out, they’re so cute! But he’s just thinking about work, it’s such a good time in his life right now.

I really like both of them, I think he’s a really good guy and I dig that for her. She deserves a good guy.

He can’t get his head out of work, though, Nat’s irritated and him for ruining the vibe and not paying enough attention to her on the night of their first date.

Jason is bored and keeps to himself.

The night ends early, Natasha doesn’t know it but Dave has been venting his frustration at her going back to her ex. He watches her not at all creepily from an opposite doorway as she forages for food after their night out. I lied, it’s totally creepy.

Storm doesn’t know what went wrong with Nat, he turns to friend Mzi who’s there to buck him up. It’s quite sad, I really like them as a couple but Nat really needs someone who’s only going to focus on whatever they’re building and Storm is very career-focused at the moment.

We end the episode with a drunken Dave disavowing Natasha once again, AND this boat. He’s done with this, he can’t do it.

I’ll tell you what Dave can’t do. He can’t hold his liquor but he’s not alone there. He’ll be alright, cheers, mate, until next time!

But he’s a bit of a ticking time bomb, isn’t he? I mean really.