Ahoy there and welcome back to Below Deck where everyone is drunk and I am super late! So like, basically same as every week. Let’s find out who our new charter guests are this week, are you ‘cited?? We better be, since sometimes we keep them for a whole three episodes sometimes…rolling Below Deck S7:E07 after the break! It’s Pirate Day!

Well. Lots happened the last bit, hasn’t it? Chief Stew Kate Chastain was set upon by drunk bosun Ashton Pienaar while out partying, to her dismay. Deckhand Abbi Murphy quit and was summarily sent packing. Poor deckhand Tanner Sterbeck’s been puking his guts out for most of the week, this deck crew is having a rough time! Let’s see what they can get up to this week!

It’s the morning after the night before and approximately 27 hours until our new charter guests show up! Wooooo! Second Stew Simone Mashile has a wee crush on Tanner, not helped by his asking her to cuddle, awwwww.

Kate is not in the mood for Ashton and his suggestion that they hooked up, stop saying it!

Neither do we, bruh. He says that wasn’t him, that was Smashton, awww, just like Whatshisface from Below Deck Mediterranean who used an alter-ego for his blackouts too. I wish I’d known these loopholes about twenty years ago, you guys.

Even though Kate told Ashton she doesn’t want to talk about him putting his tongue in her mouth again, she’s telling EVERYONE. Third Stew Courtney Skippon got a little peck last night from lead deckhand Brian de Saint Pern, but she refuses to play along with the gang looking for gossip.

Brian is adorable and super sweet, Courtney calls herself picky and not interested but maybe she just doesn’t like to air her shite out to the world. She does know that her interviews make her seem like a spoiled brat, right?

In a completely opposite display, Simone can’t contain her crush for Tanner any longer and spills it to Court. It’s just that Tanner likes older women, specifically Kate, but he has been kind of flirty around Simone. I hope it works out for her, they’re both adorable and good people. I mean, look at Simone:

She’s happy about EVERYTHING! And has a university math degree. Honestly. She’s really happy to be working on service instead of laundry today, but she’s slightly weak on bartending skills even though I’m pretty sure that’s why people go to university. Kate’s giving her a shot, but she finds it beyond belief that Simone doesn’t even know how to open a bottle of wine.

Chef Kevin Dobson is singing to himself again, I feel as though he and I could be great pals. I also do that when I’m prepping food!

Woooo Captain Lee Rosbach calls Kevin, Ashton and Kate to the crew mess for the Pre-Charter Preference Sheet Meeting where we get guest names and spelling, yay!! Who we got, coach??

Michael Blackton will be our Primary Charter Guests this time, he owns a helicopter charter business and went to Florida State.

*Quick quesh: who writes these preference sheets? Why do they say things like: “Florida’s premier party school”?

Kate’s already getting out the red Solo cups, good thing since the guests want a college-style party on the beach in school colours. See what I mean about only learning about drinking? C’mon Simone, what were you doing? MATH?

There’s going to be a stupid pirate-themed party too, yaaarrrr!

On to getting the boat ready! Maybe Simone can’t open a bottle of wine, but Courtney can’t iron, so they’re about even. Captain Lee even jumps in to give an ironing lesson while the Interior Crew watches, awww!

It’s the next day and four hour to charter! The good news is that Tanner is 100 percent and ready to support this deck crew excellence. The bad news is that they’re down a person AND Brian just realised he hurt his knee.

Provisions are heyah! Then everyone’s lined up and the guests are suddenly arriving!

The crew is not really ready, but Captain Lee laughs when he hears them singing about getting lit every night.

There’s Primary Michael and a Kelly, a Kayleigh, a Kimberley,  and a bunch of other beautiful women that make Ashton go “WHOA!”

The deck crew struggle under the weight of a tonne of luggage while Kate takes the guests on a boat tour. Everyone likes the toilet! Time to de-dock, chef Kevin’s got prosciutto-wrapped melon ready to go!

It’s not a one-way appreciation street we have here, the ladies want to know when Ashton’s shirt’s coming off, wooo! Is there…something on the booking form? Former male exotic revue dancer on board? Or maybe it’s that he’s so beefy.

*You know, I watched the movie Playing With Fire starring John Cena this weekend (not on PURPOSE), there was something so off-putting about all that…beefiness. But! I know people dig that and I’m not yucking your yum, I’m just going to say that was a LOT of man on display.

Also, I’d feel like shite if I was taking a bunch of beautiful dudes on a yacht and they spent the whole time catcalling the female staff.

Kate fills Kevin in on the guests, saying Primary Michael has a “Republican haircut” just as we cut to Primary Michael stumping for Tr*mp 2020. Then they start complaining about not seeing any pirates and BOY do I wish they saw some real pirates right about then.

Kate sends Simone out to check on the guests; Simone walks right by all of them without a word. They didn’t ask for anything! Aww, she must be hella shy. She does manage to deliver one drink, but does not follow Kate’s script and ask if they want a drink, perhaps some champagne, just tosses out a “are you good?” while walking away. Primary Michael compares her name to vomit, though, so there’s that. He thinks she’s cute.

Courtney takes care of Brian’s infected knee while Kate rallies Simone to go back to the guests and cleans dishes in the galley.

Chef Kevin is very excited about his upcoming meal.

Yes, he made his own self drool talking about the food he’s cooking.

Kate and Kevin tease an oblivious Courtenay about her glow while Brian gets put through the same on deck with Tanner and Ashton. I forgot Brian and Courtenay went swimming together the day before!

Two of the guests ask Simone where the hawt deckhands are, they’re going through a divorce and need distracting (TESTIFY. Actually, things are okay right now, I take it back).

Primary Michael is meanwhile following Simone around in a way that is totally not creepy (totally is).

Oh wait! There’s more! He just broke up with his girlfriend before the trip, he found out she was a hooker. (well. duh). So he starts sizing up Simone’s finger, does he have a spare engagement ring just kicking around? His friend Kelly is watching the whole time, nodding. What.

And. Chef Kevin has decided he can’t trust Kate with service on the beach picnic and you have GOT to be kidding me. This twelve year old thinks he gets to decide whether or not he trusts Chief Stewardess Kate Chastain with serving a BEACH PICNIC? She could serve that and knock you out in her SLEEP.

The NERVE.

He tells Kate he wants to go over there to explain the food to make her have less work, seriously, Kevin, I feel like we would be besties but you’re f*****d up if you think you have to do any of this.

One of the guests going through a divorce, Shaely, really, really likes Ashton and isn’t the least bit shy about showing it.

Look how pretty!!

Simone is stumped by a guest request for a banana daiquiri, it’s like a daiquiri with bananas but she doesn’t know how to make one without bananas either. Courtney helps! Earlier we watched Courtney shittalk ironing, I see that Kate is trying to develop her team and I respect that because it would be a lot easier to let them play to their strengths.

Kevin takes over the beach picnic setup, directing the crew for setup and then actually serving the guests lunch when they arrive. Kate takes this very personally.

The guests have a lovely lunch while Courtney makes fun of their tragic frat-party ways at 40. So sad. That’s a little harsh, Court, I think it’s just the dudes who are 40.

Kate gives Simone a choice, go serve the guests some more or do clean up and our second stew jumps at the chance to clean. She probably needs a break from the baby-voice drink demands and dudes sizing up her ring finger.

She tells Brian and the fellas about liking Tanner too, this is getting very middle school but I still think it’s cute.

It’s time to prep for the college-themed party that night. If Kate rolls her eyes any more about it she’s gonna fall over. Courtney is on the jello shots!

Shaely’s not discreet at all, asking Ashton how long he’s gonna make her wait and his response “how much can you take?” doesn’t slow her roll for a second.

Brian’s knee is really bad, he needs antibiotics, not rest. Yikes. Captain Lee says he’ll take a look at it and breaks out one of his favourite old-timey-isms for us.

Simone chats with Tanner while the guests look in vain to get their buzz on, where did everyone go? Kate is the first to approach the guests to ask if they want drinks. Simone is STILL getting to know Tanner. And loudly, so the guests can hear everything too. Kate sighs.

Brian and Ashton finally tell Tanner about Simone’s crush, ehhh he’s not on the same page. Kate lays down the law to Simone about her chatting, Simone’s “I hear you” is followed by a “I hear YOU” and this is where Kate usually loses her underlings.

She’s too smart, too fast with a quip and she’s also their boss, so they can’t say anything back.

(Totally laughed, though)

The guests dress for dinner, Shaely’s out first, probably because she’s looking for her “boytoy.”

But. These guests. They keep saying they’re gonna get lit and referring to ocean breezes as bl*wjobs and. Yeah.

Brian’s knee is infected, which apparently is a pain in Captain Lee’s arse, he’s going to have to get a doctor out here again. That’s three times in three charters, right? Or four? Courtney nurses Brian, awww.

The guests finish up their supper and change for the lit frat party, starting with beer pong and beer bongs. Can you think of anything less legit than paying a hundred thousand dollars to have a stranger carefully pour beer into a beer bong for you?

Ashton has to dissuade a guest from kayaking down the slide into the ocean in the dark. They eventually go to bed and Ashton takes the slide down by himself in the middle of the night. Brian is up most of the night with his infected knee.

It’s Pirate Day!

Hahahahaha I laughed out loud. Kate calls herself an Irish pirate, a leprechaun with a hook! She reminds Captain Lee, he’s on it!

Oh. Shaely’s got a new swimsuit for Ashton. Beware all endeavors which require waxing!

And Courtney needs some pirate swag pronto! Kate sends her to get kitted while Kevin admires Kate’s attitude. “Such a b**ch!”

Brian’s been limping around all day, Captain Lee is over that. Either he sits his arse down, or Captain Lee will have his arse. Ooooh. Oh and hey Ashton, there’s a new deckhand coming today! It’s a her…and Ashton knows her, so I was wrong, it isn’t Kyle Dixon from Below Deck Med. So who is it??

It’s Riley, which makes Ashton really unhappy and me wish my lovely commenter hadn’t removed their extremely helpful guide for last year. I may have to go dig it out of email if I have it, there was a full rundown of who everyone was last season and what they did. Booo.

They end this episode with a preview of the rest of the season, it looks awesome and terrible and Real Housewives even! WOOOO! I am only going to remember the cat in the babycarrier, though, it has glasses!

Until next time, you guys! Cheers!