And we’re back  with Below Deck already because it’s cold and snowy here in Nowhere But Close To Somewhere, Canada. I need to look at the beautiful clear sea of the Mediterranean! Plus I think Jake’s probably sending out heat waves, yes? Rolling into my recap of Below Deck S9:E04 after the break!

We’re in the middle of a guest fight, Justin Richards is extremely drunk and haranguing guest Terri, who is also extremely intoxicated. Justin is definitely the more aggressive of the pair, so crew are in between trying to de-escalate. Bosun Eddie Lucas is great with Terri, who is tiny and crying and doesn’t deserve to be screamed at by a guy three times her size. I mean, she did threaten to kill him a couple of times, but I actually believe his threats.

Terri is escorted safely to her room; Justin remains in the salon.

Did I mention it’s not even midnight? Chef Rachel Hargove doesn’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuucare.

Chief steward Heather Chase wakes up guest Colin to help get Justin into his room; Justin is considered a danger because he’s so angry and literally threatening everyone. Colin gets Justin into his room: favourite part of the whole evening right here:

Is it, Justin? Is.It?

Third steward Jessica Alberta is complaining about being in the laundry room all the time; when does she get a day off? When does she get to do something fun?

Didn’t they just go to town the other night? Didn’t that just happen? If drinking your arse off with the bunch of random strangers you work and live with doesn’t DO IT for you, maybe you can break off and find a library or something.

*Not mocking, I would absolutely find a library and now you may mock me.

Eddie could not WAIT until Captain Lee Rosbach woke up so he can tattletale on the guests. Heather comes in with Captain Lee’s coffee and provides even more ammunition: Captain Lee is maaaaaaad.

I’m not going to nitpick (of course I am) but I bet pissed on chickens just feel..cold.

He’s so angry he can’t speak to the guests now, he’s got to calm down and that does not bode well for the rest of this charter.

Primary Michael Durham is up now and roaming on deck, sitting with fellow guests Sean and Curtis, they’re engaged! And also two of the less histrionic of our group.

Newly appointed lead deckhand Jake Foulger lays out the plan for today’s picnic and the rest of the charter to deckhands Rayna Lindsey and Wes O’Dell. Rayna immediately has a problem with her new schedule, she will ‘die’ if she has to work lates for the rest of this charter (between one and a half and two and a half days). Jake pushes back and Wes sighs. Jake is flexing and Rayna is whining, he’s stuck in the middle.

I am transfixed by the relentless snow!! It’s been 10 hours already!

With Jake pulling anchor and leading the crew, Eddie can actually be the First Mate I think he kind of is! I keep calling him bosun because that’s what he was, but now he’s learning how to captain a ship and he’s glowing!

Jake asks Rayna if she’s upset, which she clearly is, but she’s not ready to talk about it so he tells her there’s nothing to be upset about. Well then, yay! Glad that’s cleared up!

So awkward at the breakfast table in the morning even with Rachel serving up lobster Benedict. Terri made it to the table only to leave as soon as she sees Justin arriving; WHAT is going on with those two?? She’s a very attractive lady of a certain age, he’s much younger but age isn’t nuffin but a number, right?

After a smooth anchoring in the middle of the ocean (I think? There’s water), Captain Lee calls Primary Michael and Justin to the Wheelhouse. It’s time to Come to Jeebus.

Justin is almost in tears as Captain Lee lays down the law; he doesn’t want to get kicked off the yacht. He makes the mistake of wishing aloud for context, Captain Lee is not interested in excuses or “reasons.” If any of the staff are disrespected again, the charter is over.

Justin makes a shaky apology on deck, but it’s kind of like Lexi from Below Deck Med: everyone is still shell-shocked from the hugely inappropriate and aggressive behaviour, even if the perpetrator doesn’t remember.

Justin apologizes directly to Heather, which she accepts and offers him a blank page.

Rachel is far more excited about this roasted pork for the luau than I am, now that I’ve seen the poor pig.

Wes and Jake set up for the beach picnic, thanks to Captain Sean for setting up something crazy elaborate on shore they’ll never get away with a table and serving station again.

Jessica complains while helping set up, this working stuff is hard! Why can’t she be driving around, eating her burrito and listening to music instead? How well does that pay, exactly, Jess?

The pig’s face catches fire while the guests are on their way to the beach, Rachel flips it over and all is saved.

Pig’s face *sad horns*

Rayna is the only deckhand left on board, she calls her mom crying because Jake was ‘disrespectful’ to her. I feel like that can be a loaded word, he was definitely condescending and not listening, so maybe that could be considered disrespectful?

Heather is from Hawaii, she is loving this luau! So are the guests, job well done, crew!

It’s dark and late by the time the picnic is packed up, I just feel like the guests are going to want food for sure shortly. Maybe Rachel could stop farting and start cooking?

Jake picks at Rayna as soon as he’s on board, telling her, to her face, that she’s not pulling her weight. Wtf, dude, give her a minute, she’s walking back and forth as much as anyone, don’t attack because you’re tired and she’s whistling.

Later, she and Jake talk it out a bit while she smokes and he continues working.

Jessica complains that the boat is rocking.

Rayna pouts enough that Eddie notices; he asks he what’s wrong and she whines that she doesn’t wanna get anyone in trouble, buttttt. Eddie doesn’t really support her in the way she wants, but he does listen, so it’s a mixed bag for her.

Jessica and Wes chat in the crew mess while Jake stands in his room facing the crew mess with nothing on by underwear. They’re really pushing Jessica and Wes as a couple but I’m seeing zip for chemistry, regardless of how the producers push in interview.

She does spend two and a half hours talking to him instead of going to sleep, though, so…maybe? Remember Madison on Below Deck Sailing Yacht? She kept getting in shit for that, there is only 8 hours given between shifts so if you spend half that chatting, you’re going to be in rough shape the next time you work.

Madison was fun, I hope she’s doing well.

Anchors are away, it’s crab for breakfast! Rachel did not have to feed anyone last night, my bad, so she got to fart all night uninterrupted and is now throwing two types of crab AND huevos rancheros at everyone to pump up the tip.

The deck crew is extremely unprepared for this docking, they even lose a fender cover overboard.

I guess that was Wes’ fault, but it seems like a bunch of people were by those fenders and could have fixed that.

Guest departure, yay!! That means we’re gonna see THE TIPPPPPP. After everyone says goodbye to this charter, guess what they’re saying!

Wow, second steward Fraser Olender has done absolutely nothing to stand out this week, I’ve got nothing! Maybe he’ll mix it up later when the crew goes out!

Tip Time!!! I’m going to guess $20k USD because it really should be that much.

And it’s: $19,800 USD! I WAS SO CLOSE!! $1650 each woooooo!

Jessica stops complaining for one moment.

Eddie bonds with his crew for a little bit, telling them his past. 6 years ago he slept with third steward Rocky/Raquel a bunch of times in the laundry room, and says he blew up a good relationship in the process.

Eddie, perhaps you have forgotten so I will remind you: your girl had cheated on you and was barely talking to you. Rocky/Raquel was an ill-fated revenge fling.

Yay, time for a nice night out! Everyone stay relatively sober! YOU TOO FRASER. Although you’re funny.

There is a Truth or Dare Jenga in the middle of the table; this is going to go south so fast! Wes owns up to wanting to make out with Jessica, I just don’t SEE IT. Jake gives Eddie a terrible lap dance hahaha it’s so bad. I don’t think they’re supposed to hurt!

I mean, I’m not an expert.

How is it possible that Jake didn’t know that Fraser was gay? How.

Fraser does have a killer American accent, though!

Hot tub time! Oh this is going to be bad. Heather’s body is insane, she’s 100% a swimsuit model and what is she doing here?

I would like people to stop rubbing their butts on people’s heads. Please. Thank you.

Rachel, Jessica and Eddie head to bed first, separately, Eddie calling his girlfriend because he luuuuurves her. She does not lurve him picking Heather up, throwing her onto his shoulders and then dunking her into the hot tub. I think they break up during that phone call.

You shouldn’t get your ears underwater is all I’m saying.

Rayna asks Fraser and Jake to kiss for her; it turns into all three of them kissing because apparently that is a thing.

Heather and Wes bail, leaving the messy three behind.

Wait. Jake is engaged? To a person? Rayna is MAD, she leaves the party while Jake drunkenly slurs about her not understanding the full story. Um. Do you really need to understand more? I guess we’ll find out next time, cheers!