Let’s see what our fave profane café owner has in store for us this time; I’ve wanted to get back to it all week! Rolling Fleabag S1:E3 after the break.
We’re with Flea (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) jogging in a graveyard; in House of Cards one of the characters was called out for being disrespectful and running through a cemetery; what say you? Also, I did not think our Flea was the jogging type. Not nearly enough masturbation opportunities.
She’s meeting her sister Claire (Sian Clifford) to glare at their mother’s grave and reminisce. Flea had a fart just like their mum’s; door opening so I guess it’s creaking? LOTS more fart talk, see: ANYONE can make a fart and dick joke show not just the menz any more! Yayyy. Also, she WISHES she was getting their mum’s bum.
Flea’s brought baked goods for Claire’s birthday (“she won’t eat it” *Claire eats them*) Claire’s turned her birthday party into a business meeting, as an email CLEARLY explained. She tells Flea to be there by 7 for a 7:30 start, wear trousers and don’t drink too much. There’s a promotion in Finland on the line and since Flea is newly single (like for real, Harry (Hugh Skinner) took the dinosaur and EVERYfing), she asks if she can bring a date? Bring Arsehole Guy!
OH!! Claire says it’s really inappropriate to be jogging ‘round a graveyard, “flaunting your….LIFE” and we have our answer! She can’t wait to be old. If it’s any consolation, she looks older than she is, offers Flea? A phone call takes Claire away so we can find out that their mother died 3 years ago, had fantastic boobs and never came back from a double mastectomy. Flea was told her rack “would never get in the way” and that may have been wistfulness, Flea.
What’s Martin (Brett Gelman) giving Claire for her birthday? Hopefully sex (I fink) but he says he still has “that thing” on his penis (takes her a full minute to say ‘penis’ – “come on, you can do it”)) and WHAT THING?? And can’t you see it for yourself? You know, if you’re into that sort of thing, looking at penis growths. Will just say; if your husband is turning you down for sex on a regular basis to the point you’re looking forward to it with a bow on it for your birthday: something is up.
They walk past a loudly crying man, Flea thinks he’s a con, crying at a different grave every day. All Claire got out of that is that Flea is in the graveyard every day and hey, she thinks she just might enjoy this birthday meeting party tonight! A real smile and everything!
Flea calls Harry to see if he’ll come to Claire’s birthday party and there’s a weird moment with a dog…ohhhh she “can’t go out with a dog” so that must have been flirting. I’d love to see the checklist the writers are using; already crossed off: anal sex, gang bangs (Asian and / or otherwise), extreme age-gap sexing, obsessive masturbation, and now (almost) bestiality. If Flea goes on a date with another girl and just one cup, I’m oot.
Flea’s sitting in her empty café (looks lovely from the outside! Lots of room inside!) taking pictures of her vagina with her phone. Her ex before Harry would ask for vagina pics 10 or a11 times a day which made for a long day of temping.
There’s a hilarious vignette of her taking vagina and boob shots; so real, so awesome. “Sexy” shots take forever to get right (boobs together, lighting / angle correct for the biology / anatomy textbook pics) and then are just looked at for a second anyway before scrolling on to ask for more.
I take it her ex didn’t have a job, given all the middle of the day wanking.
Martin bursts in mid-vagina pic; WHY would she have her tights pulled down while doing so in the middle of the afternoon in a public (if not very populated) restaurant? Canoe clicks are strictly for the loo!
He needs to find the perfect present for Claire! And he’s drunk, which is his regular state, but everyone enjoys “fun drunk Martin” too much to admit he’s got a problem. Flea says he’s “one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate” but you can’t take offense, because he was just being fun, BuzzKiller!
Er. Pot: meet kettle, or is it the other way around?
More drunken shenanigans and we see Boo (Jenny Rainsford) and Hillary the guinea pig again; did she know they can die of loneliness? Couldn’t we just all? Martin thinks Hillary is depressed. He may be sexually inappropriate but he’s not wrong: Claire sounds slightly tricky to buy for. She found the SATC name-necklace, owned the book he bought, won’t wear any clothes if he gets them for her: HELP HIM! I bet Claire has something on order already; she doesn’t seem like the type to leave much to chance.
Flea can’t stand Martin, but he makes Claire laugh and that can go a long way. There also needs to be less things on one’s peni, however.
He wants her to help him!
F: Pay me!
M: No! How much!
F: 60 pounds!
Negotiating with drunk people is a delicate art.
They’re looking at shoes now: Martin doesn’t know which one Claire is! Who is Flea? I choose black leather bootie/shootie! She WANTS to be the jeebus sandals with gratuitous studding, she HAS been the red 6 inch stiletto (how to spell come fcuk me in the language of shoe) but most of the time she’s the black leather bootie! Woot! Chic? No, chic means boring (don’t tell the French)
And this man has no clue about his wife at all. You have to watch the show just so you can see the part about the golden sneaker! Everyone DOES want to be this person!! But I think it’s manipulative to get someone a shoe so they think you think they’re that person when they are clearly not that person and wow that sentence is painful.
In the show store, helping a giggly someone try on shoes is a fella that makes Flea’s face fall on the floor. Her face has the same effect on him and oh, he was her and Boo’s neighbour and Boo fancied him? Was this the guy she walked into traffic over? Flea looks devastated; she doesn’t care about your stupid beige pumps, Martin! She runs out, she needs a drink, Martin’s ECSTATIC!
Oh and that was the guy Boo was trying to make jealous and that explains the double shots of whiskey Flea’s throwing back after. Martin is STILL kvetching about what to get for Claire, Flea’s finally had enough: SCREW HER! Ah but Martin is holding out, he’s not happy and would it kill her to take HIM out to supper for once? He’s right, though, deprived wives can go on and on about the lack of regular beef injections, but once a dude says it, we totally circle the wagons: HOW DARE HE?? Just. People need sex.
She asks if he’s having an affair? “Think you’re a clever puss, don’t you?” Eeewwww
A little advice from a married dude: get out there, “you’re juuuuuuuust tipping your prime” *thumb rubbing motion that I don’t understand*
No more drinks for her, she has a date! It’s Bus Rodent (Jamie Demetriou), is that who she was texting pics of her vagina to earlier? She takes him shopping for Claire’s party, but not at the divine soap shop he recommends, rather the sex shop. She is allllll about the shock and awwwww
The very attractive female shop clerk flirts with Flea, sending Bus Rodent over the edge into full fibbertygidget. He can’t even get the display vibrator turned off, let alone leave the fake p*ssies alone. They have a confusing conversation about whether she has a vagina with her (er) and finally snaps when shown The “quite relentless” Burrower (I WOULD NEVER WANT A SEX TOY THAT SOUNDS LIKE VERMIN WITH REALLY SHARP TEETH, you know, in case anyone is starting Christmas shopping early or somefing)
They’re walking along the street after, gabbing, when they hear Claire furiously honking at them. “Who’s that?” “My sister” and he freaks out, dragging Flea to hide, which is totally what any normal person would do when they think they’re going to a surprise party not organized by the guest of honour.
Claire’s a really, really good faker: she had no idea! Martin’s drinking heavily already, so Flea and the Bus Rodent get stuck talking to her Godmother (I LOVE OLIVIA COLMAN). Bus Rodent is a documentary maker and he calls Flea’s father Dad, the former fact making Martin laugh hysterically.
Some more awkward conversation later over terrible wine (Godmother’s face: I wish I knew how to do gifs), Godmothers off to find something more suitable and Flea chats her up during.
I seriously adore their talks, the bared teeth smiles and chit chat is just the thin smokey veil over a balls-out passive aggressive brawl of the most feminine variety. All the things that SOUND like compliments are barbs and all the agreeing is really like a kind of martial art where you use your opponent’s momentum to throw them in the shite. Like a c-word ballet. Harry’s new job (the Flea didn’t know about), being lonely not solely the bailiwick of the alone (Flea learned that from her dad), the missing statuette, on and on. Last blood belongs to Godmother with her “you know, you are the most PERFECT looking pair.” Beautifully done.
Bus Rodent’s blood is up now; he tries throwing Flea on the counter in a sexy fashion and ends up smashing rather a lot of glassware as loudly as possible.
Oh and Martin breaks the awkwardness with Claire’s present! It’s gold, so we think the sneakers Flea was insisting on, but no! It’s the gold statuette Flea stole from her godmother that Martin was supposed to be selling so Flea could save her café. Martin calls it a “shrine to her body” while Flea tries to block everyone else from seeing and then hides it in a drawer. Is he gonna pay her for her stolen piece of artwork?
Flea’s having a smoke outside when Martin approaches: he said he’d find her a buyer! And then gets inappropriate again, she should just lighten up! I get what Flea was saying earlier now, my bad. She says “she’s going to leave you one day” and then there’s this weird standoff where he moves his face towards hers and she’s not moving and he’s moving forward and then he’s kissing her and she looks like she just got sat on. He calls HER an asshole and runs away. WHAT?
She runs out the door, but she’s taken her sister’s jacket, so she gets a chance to pass over The Burrower ('doesn’t stop until you come!' Is a long tagline but I think it gets the point across well) and unfortunately gets snagged by the Bus Rodent. “Are we leaving?”
They shag in the café, and it’s awful and even he knows she’s faking it. He freaks out when he meets Hillary, though, GUINEA PIGS DON’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE RATS!! Alone later, she works up her nerve and hugs Hillary, remembering Boo and that’s a great way to get some companionship. I’m sorry, I loved when she grabbed Hillary’s wee paw in the flashback. We see her running through the graveyard watching the same dude from the day before cry at a DIFFERENT grave, she waves. I’m glad she’s making some new friends! We’re oot
LOTS of burrowing and vermin this episode! We've got the Bus Rodent, Hillary, The Burrower and even Martin trying to gnaw away at Flea's face. I knew that would happen sooner rather than later; there was a weird tension there and both like to play Chicken with their wobblies. Until next time, you guys: get the gold sneakers instead.
**top gif from thegifsiwanted Tumblr