Girls S6:E1 All I Ever Wanted Recap

We're BACK!! Girls is BACK! I shouldn't be so excited, that never ends well *coughTheWalkingDeadcough* but I AM! Who's with me? Let's start season six, Girls!

We open with Hannah (Lena Dunham) dealing with former BFF Jessa (Jemima Kirke) and ex-boyfriend Adam (Adam Driver) banging in the most Hannah-like way; by writing about how is affects HER. "Losing My Best Friend to My Ex-Boyfriend" is read by everyone, including her dad Tad (I love Peter Scolari SO MUCH), Adam and but not Jessa (who looks glorious) and ecstatically by REAL BESTIE Marnie (Allison WIlliams)

We're rolling with sitting on the can shots again right off the hop I see, awesome. But yes, Hannah is in print finally! Which is almost good enough for Ray (Alex Karpovsky)

Hannah looks happy, deeply grateful and as though that joy has almost completely swallowed her face into her neck.

Hannah is interviewing with Chelsea Peretti, she describes herself so perfectly that it must be transcribed fully so we can take a moment to bask in the completeness of it's glory.

"My persona is very like witty, yet narcissistic, as you can probably tell from my triumphant Moth monologue and resultant Modern Love column? The other thing about me is that like I give zero f*cks about anything yet I have a strong opinion about everything, even topics I'm not informed on."

*bask break*

Chelsea takes a moment to ask how someone comes back from that? How does someone move on from that? How do you even recover? It's not DISEASE, Chelsea

Hannah doesn't even have to sell herself, they love her writing, but really: they're hiring her for her look. I should mention that Hannah's current look is a lemon-yellow leather jacket with twisty hair pieces over a lovely dress and probably stupid shoes. Hannah has been waiting her whole life for someone to tell her they want her for her look, she doesn't even care about what the assignment is.

It's covering a female-only surf camp in the Hamptons, like a "Millennial Gidget" who was Jewish? That's not the point, it's about bored, rich women co-opting surf culture like they RUINT yoga and Hannah will be there for contrast in the mix.

She's dfw, because Shailene Woodley likes to sunbathe the inside of her vagina for skin glow, so.

Ray and Marnie are boning (ewww) in the most unlikely way possible (women on top is usually on top, not lying down, right? Biology?) then she leaps out of bed keeping the tatas covered (YAY!! One more season, Allison, you can do it! Don't let Lena getcher boobs on camera) and telling Ray to GTFO. She'd like to spend more time with him, just not in her space, all the time and the sleepover and all of THAT time, just...other time to be discussed later.

I get it, Marn, Ray is not for you. HE IS FOR SHOSH. Why does nobody talk about Marnie banging Shosh's ex and we all examine Adam and Jessa like they're adultery incarnate?

Speaking of Shosh! Ray's staying at Adam's, but he'd like to stay at Shosh's (Zosia Mamet) place, but Marnie shoots that down with a bunch of "baby"s on repeat and phrases like "manic energy" so Ray will be spending all his new time by himself still at Adam's, where they are always reheating fish. It's haunting.

Marnie explains it all to Hannah, who's packing for her trip, is it okay if Elijah (Andrew Rannels) uses her room while she's gone?

It's gonna be a really good way for him to network. Marnie suggest acting classes? He goes OFF, he's "gonna f*ck his way to the middle!"

Hannah's in the Hamptons! Where an angry beautiful woman can't BELIEVE Tamara isn't teaching this year *whisper* she's an amazing person! She wouldn't have signed up! And with a "f*ck this, F*CK this" she snatches her tote bag and is off.

Hannah doesn't get a tote :(, even with her sef-proclaimed "fun sense of humour." Just a bottle of water and papers and a recommendation to loosen her muscles before meeting back there in an hour.

Hannah's sunscreen exploded in her bag. I suggest labelled Ziploc freezer bags, they work for all liquids! A quick stop at the giftshop makes her swallow her lips at price tags, noooope. One of the instructors shows up in the parking lot, she's the only one there so far and takes a minute to insult how everyone there talks, but Paul-Louis (Riz Ahmed) totally has a smart voice, not like the rest of "Matthew McConaughey Hell." Erp. Now put on one of those rental wetsuits, sure! Every chubby girl's nightmare.

Ray comes home to a naked stoned Jessa eating yoghurt on That Couch, oh look, she and Adam jammed all of Ray's stuff in a corner, so he'll have to be sleeping where her vagina is, if that's okay. Sure! Full nude shot of Jessa; when the FUCK did we last see penis on this show??

Hannah could barely get that wetsuit on (TOLD YOU), but it's actually Angry's wetsuit anyway, her name is innit? Jenni? Written right there? Hannah strips down, but she took her bathing suit off before putting it on and lubing it up to get over her ass, so

I think it's disgusting to compare body types of women, because we're all glorious in our own way, but I adore Hannah's breasts.

Surf instruction time! These guys are tools

Paul-Louis isn't bad, he seems to be actually trying, but Hannah and her sprained "front arm" don't really want to surf today, do they? A quick check with the nurse (whose deadpan "you're a professional surfer?" was worth the price of admission) robs her of any excuse and she spends the rest of the day eating a sandwich like a small, feral animal and chilling at the pool. Oh and she suns the inside of her vagina, thanks for showing all of that, Girls. Twice

Paul-Louis finds Hannah in the bar drinking something that makes her tongue blue (she's like a giant profane sexualized child); they chat about the surf camps (total lesbian daisy-chains all over the place) and then more drinks and MOAR drinks and at one point Hannah is masturbating while laying on the dance floor while covered in many, many spilled drinks and I am seriously worried for her safety.

Paul-Louis gets up to spit a few rhymes while she's upright again, Hannah is so impressed, in between stealing drinks from other people (maybe she's not being served any more!), they're gonna try humping. Being Girls, it probably won't come together like you'd expect.

Well we get 30 seconds of kissing then straight in. After a couple of position changes (I'm not like really flexible, you know like Cirque de Soleil flexible?) they find their groove.

Ray IS staying with Shosh! They're so cute together, where's all this manic energy Marnie was talking about?

Oh there is is; Marnie shows up with coffee, but uh uh demurs Shoshanna, Ray doesn't drink coffee from multi-national conglomerates. Thanks for the idea! Shosh-Ay read the paper together, they're so the same person. Is that a bad thing? Being exactly like your significant other? I've tried the opposite of that, I think I might go that route next time.

Hannah is puking and with a weird sunburn. She doesn't remember much about last night, but she doesn't feel violated, so. He gives her props for her pubic hair... first rant of the season!! That's what adult women look like when they're using their pubic hair for it's intended use: to protect their vaginas. It's dope!

Tangent! Pass by if you aren't into recappers oversharing (WHO ISN'T INTO THAT???) but I've been conducting an accidental experiment the last six weeks and I think I know what underarm hair is for! So, short story long, I have lumps in one armpit and I was advised to STOP TOUCHING THEM, TTM, and wait and see after six weeks. Oh and no shaving in between. Whut?? Like, grow underarm hair? I couldn't commit to both sides, but since I'm getting divorced and nobody cares what my underanything looks like, I decided not to worry about it. I started running again around the same time; it turned out that the side that wasn't getting shaved: so much less sweaty than the other! Noticeably so! I think that's what underarm hair is FOR! It wicks the moisture away from your body and it doesn't require shaving or deodorant with a side of armpit-shame doled out by Dove antiperspirant! It's a MIRACLE!

Hannah's gonna go back to her room and write and cry for a while, she hates the beach. PREACH!!

I hate the beach! It's so hot! And there's nothing to do, I don't like being hot so I can't even read out there and I burn just looking at the sun and laying out: I would sooner perform experimental surgery on myself sans anesthesia. For real.

He offers to show her around, sure! And my recording cut out and I kind of lost my mind. And I'm back: he shows her the water and docks and NO, there is nothing more creepy than a fish, Hannah and I are same page on that one.

Then it's all sandy beach sex and HE LICKS HER EYE. Is that normal?? Is that a thing??? This is totally normal for Girls

Some sand spitting and wipeouts later, they're smoking a j and hanging with Mr. Cooper. Somehow, they made the beach look fun. I always feel as though Girls is trolling whatever hot dude Hannah is banging, he certainly seemed dedicated!

He loves his life, he's just a guy from innercity Detroit; life goal... be anything his dad wasn't. He pretty much wanders full time and she is LOVING this! And sure, beaches are awesome if there aren't any people on them, I love being by the water (just not IN the water, stuff wants to touch me) and how they got a Hamptons beach all to themselves in relatively cool water is beyond me.

Why not love, it's so easier than hate, but that's how Hannah's friends back in New York define themselves. I said that to my friends once and THEY GOT SO MAD!!! It's totally true, though, if you say you're "the kind of girl that hates pink" because you think it gives you depth or makes you different, OR that your colour choices define your character: you're probably very young or super ridiculous.

Some more stoned chatting leads to the idea that "love gives vibes" and pleasure-seeking is what we're here for, like totally.

We're into the fun part of divorce with Marnie and Desi (Ebon Moss Bacharach); separation of assets! She's dressed in expensive style and groomed to an inch of her life while he's clad in a cotton sweater covered in holes and rocking a homefree-fro; how was this ever going to work? He's going to keep all the musical equipment, that all right?

Because stuff YOU want is always without value and whatever THEY'RE taking is worth all the monies. Their tour went very badly, no merch sales thanks to Desi's "therapeutic companion." They shouldn't be fighting, they should be putting this all into the music, like Fleetwood Mac! Marnie isn't feeling like Fleetwood Mac right now, but THAT is how he saw her before he saw her as his partner; as an artist. And THAT is the only reason they were ever together, Marnie desperately needed to feel legit because she sucks musical arse.

Then they hump, because I hear that is a thing for the recently separated. Hard pass.

Hannah was so sold on the beach life that she's thinking she'll move her for a bit, escape the "toxic negativity" (on which she thrives, not to mention the narcissism) and chill out, get to know him a bit.

Um. Isn't she supposed to be working right now? How's that article coming along, Millennial Gidget?

Paul-Louis thinks that's a great idea! His girlfriend Ashlyn is coming Friday, Hannah can meet her! Wait, so, wait, he has a girlfriend? Yeah, but its open, except for like on trips, like when they go to Kilimanjaro next month, no outside f*cking allowed. You see, Paul-Louis is like the beach: you can't stay there, you just have to enjoy it while you visit, then you pass it on to the next visitor to enjoy. Except in Kilimanjaro.

She's mad and he's sorry, but she stays in the bed, so he doesn't know what to do, other than start a tickle fight she does.not.want. Time for a beach bonfire to wrap up alls the cliches! Teo (Nick Rehberger) sings neo-classic "She's So High" while watching his ladyfriend makeout with someone else. Hannah gets a kiss in and looks happy for a nano-second before reverting to the edge of tears and we're oot.

It's so awesome to see the Girls back again; Marnie and Jessa tend to fight it out as my least favourite, but Marnie insisting Ray move out and then micro-managing his choices pushes her into pole position this week. Hannah having sex with Paul-Louis hours after meeting him seems totally normal to me for that age range and makes me think of Apple Tree Yard and the anonymous sex 10 minutes after meeting. Some people feel that was unlikely; I totally disagree. I think people should avail themselves of sex as often as possible (says someone knocking exactly zero boots) and I applaud this new direction. Moar sex! Less vagina sunburns! And maybe next time we getta see Elijah's networking orgy? Pretty please? Until next week, cheers!