Below Deck Mediterranean S3:E09 Panic at the Deck-O Recap

Hi everyone, look we're getting caught up on Below Deck Mediterranean! Then there'll be room for so much other Bravo programming on our PVRs, wooooo! Rolling Below Deck Med S3:E09 Panic at the Deck-O after the break!

Okay! Guess who's coming back for the THIRD time to Below Deck Mediterranean? Ken and Amber Novotny! They've actually appeared in several episodes, in order they are:

Below Deck Mediterranean S1:E5 My Big Fat Greek Threesome Recap

Below Deck Mediterranean S2:E6 Don't Cry Over Cut Onions Recap

Below Deck Mediterranean S2:E7 Mo' Onions, Mo' Problems Recap

To sum up: Kenny Novotny does not like onions or condoms.

Likes: threeways in hot tubs and pear vodka shots.

Oh sorry, before we get to the new guests, we have to finish the night out with our drunken yachties. Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier isn't in trouble for once, it's her almost-birthday party and she's busy making out with Bosun Conrad Empson.

Speaking of making out! Lead deckhand João Franco is kissing Second Stew Brooke Laughton, even though he just told Third Stew Kasey Kohen that he knows what he wants and is happy with her. For the record, João is drunk, this is probably not the best time to quiz him on his "feelings."

Kasey watches from afar with deckhand Colin Macy-O'Toole, he kinda liked Brooke and Kasey kinda liked João so they'll both have something to be mad about the next day.

Is Brooke just doing this for Kasey's benefit? Her face right after the first kiss:

Bedtime! João brings up a duvet onto the deck so he and Brooke can canoodle. He thinks he's committed now while Brooke tells us that she usually goes for the player type. She wants to help them!

We all did, gurl, check Katy Perry back in the day.

They stay up cuddling until 2:30 am and then they're up bright and early in the morning, no awkwardness, just chemistry. Awww, young love is kind of awesome. They don't even know how it so rarely ever works out because love is a trap designed to keep people in unnatural situations to propagate the species.

I totally don't think my divorce is affecting my thinking at all!

Colin asks João about Brooke, this isn't the first time Colin's lost a girl to a friend and that's harsh, bro. I had a whole string of girlfriends that used to steal my dudes, if stealing people was a thing. They're with you or they're not, better to find out before the ring hits the finger.

Pre-charter meeting woooo! It's Kenny and Amber Novotny as above and in case you didn't read any of those recaps, there was a big problem last time these guest were aship. Chef Adam Glick is sweating because he fed them onions time and time again after they specifically stated they wanted No Onions Ever.

The Novotnys have some high powered guests with them, one is Desmond Mason, a former NBA player celebrating his engagement to Rebecca Taylor. Also aboard will be Opal Taskila and Jessenia Sosa and I can't even imagine how many bottles of vodka they'll go through. Last time it was 8 bottles in one day but they tip GREAT.

Adam goes to the galley and throws away ALL the onions but but the garlic TOO??

Deckhand Jamie Jason takes it upon herself to ask João about Brooke, so totally not her business. João just says that he wouldn't have kissed Brooke if he didn't mean it, no more messing about.

Jamie isn't feeling well, so she's rubbing it all over everyone else. That's just poor manners. She's also being rude to João, about something that is totally not her business.

The whole crew is going to a resort for a day off, Hannah's rocking an awesome swimsuit and Kasey has on a tiny bikini, we're not going to know where to look.

Brooke and Hannah talk about João, she'd like Hannah and him to get along, but Hannah's not having that. I wouldn't give it up either if someone called me a "c***juggling thunderc**t" to my face.

Hannah is already tipsy and talking to Adam about Conrad, she really likes him! Adam is entertained but skeptical.

Colin wanders over to Brooke, who's been left alone by João so he can talk to Kasey. Kasey doesn't listen to João for even a minute, she cuts him out and then brags to us in interview about how she has her goods out in a bikini while "Grandma Brooke" is in a one-piece.

The gang go cliff-diving and lay out while Jamie coughs and coughs.

Colin mostly just stares at João and Brooke making out in the shade, Hannah pulls him over for gossip, she wishes Brooke had fallen for him!

Jamie has a different kind of shot gun?

Everyone takes a few shots in the mouth. Yeah buddy!

Kasey and Hannah loudly discuss Brooke's decisions at the table, she has to ask them to keep it down. Honestly.

For the seventh hour in a row, Hannah is talking about Brooke and João. Conrad's had enough and tells her so, to have her storm off to talk to someone else about something that isn't her business.

You wouldn't think Hannah was the one 7 years older in this relationship, would you?

Conrad and Adam play Buckaroo with a sleeping Colin, piling as many things as they can on him until he wakes up. Hannah takes offense to her Alexander McQueen bag being used thusly and barks at Conrad to remove.

Jamie coughs.

João and Brooke decide they want to hang out together after the season, she's going to head to Zimbabwe for a visit. It's not been a picnic there, he once saw his mum being beaten up while she was pregnant, he couldn't do anything.

Just talking about it is very emotional for João, he heads to his bunk and Brooke comes and calms him down. Ah João, he's so worried about his sister being in trouble and not being able to help.

Hannah is still stunting on Conrad, saying goodnight without a kiss or a cuddle then complaining that he's not trying to solve this by chasing her.

Conrad does as expected and gets up to chase Hannah to the dock where they make up. Hannah has some abandonment issues, she's always sort of waited for everyone to leave. Eventually it's Adam who calms her down and sends her off to bed.

Jamie coughs. She finally heads up to see Captain Sandy Yawn, who sends her to a doctor.

Brooke asks Kasey about the conversation at dinner that was obviously about her, they clear the air somewhat but Hannah is clearly still struggling emotionally in her bunk.

Everyone else is working hard on the boat, Captain Sandy has noticed that Hannah isn't among them. She calls Hannah up to the bridge to find out why, sending Hannah into another anxiety attack. Captain Sandy follows her down, worried, and to her credit doesn't flip out when she finds out it's about Hannah falling in love with Conrad. She encourages Hannah to not give up on love and tells her to rest. Hannah ends up puking in her bunk, Conrad comes to visit then has to go work.

The guests are coming! Hannah is able to dress for the arrival but then will go back to rest. Jamie comes back from the doctor with Bronchial Something, she'll be quarantined for the rest of the charter.

Kenny is coming!

Kenny busts Adam's balls for a minute then they head onto the boat for the tour, Colin is so excited about Desmond Mason!

Hannah excuses herself and heads Below Deck while Kasey sets the table and Brooke brings the champagne.

You know, I'm not going to tell you how to shoot, Bravo, but are you sure we need to hear it every time someone vomits?

Adam works like a machine in the galley, Kenny stops by with a #noonions hat while Kasey works very slowly but precisely.

The guests notice a cool little beach, hey, how about they have an unplanned picnic? Primary Amber Novotny points out that the table is already set for lunch, but they can do what they want, right? Sure!

We're out with a bonus preview of the rest of the season, lots of drama and bleeped shouting. Captain Sandy says quite clearly that she wants to fire Hannah, though, that can't be fancy editing. Until next time! #noonions!

Join us! One of us! One of us!